My husband had kidney cancer 25 years ago that spread to his brain. He had his kidney removed and then a brain tumor removed. Then whole brain radiation. Cancer did not come back, but the radiation has done terrible things to his brain. He's now in a wheelchair and totally dependent on me. I miss him terribly even though he's still here. We always went on road trips together with our kids every year and did things together as a family all the time. He was a wonderful husband and father. When I look back, I sometimes wonder if I appreciated it enough back then. I sure hope I did.
Probably sometimes for awhile and then we move on and either ignore or take things for granted.
Does it really matter that we dont consciously enjoy good times as they happen ?
that's what each of us can ask ourselves but actually isnt it good that we enjoy those times by looking back even if we didnt say that to ourselves at the time.
We live our lives, we are happy we can do the things we do and go the places we go but it is not until things slowly or sometimes quickly change that we look back and wonder.
Do you think your husband wonders the same? The home that you kept, the children you and he raised seeing them go on with their lives. The fun you had, the vacations some went well others you have stories to tell about what went wrong. This is life.
The care you provide for him now, the comfort you give that all comes from the heart,
Get the past tense out of your thinking .
He IS a wonderful father.
He IS a wonderful husband.
You look back and wonder if you appreciated it...you DO.
I am sure there are still things you can do together. They may not be the same things, the same adventures. But everything changes. Appreciate what you have, appreciate the future you do have.
Now...go give him a hug, a kiss and tell him you love him. That he can appreciate and you can as well.
((hugs to both of you))
By the way I had all the same "we shouldda done this or that" but that is wasted energy on something that can not be changed.
He was so active never still for
a moment. A Boat captain of a Florida deep sea fishing boat the Double Eagle in Clearwater Fl . A helicopter pilot ran his own tow truck business until going blind in one eye.
I tell him what we use to do as if we had just done it again. He can’t carry on a conversation at all . He wants to know I’m always awake , our TV in the bedroom never goes off he needs to hear it at all times.
please go on YouTube and type in music for dementia and disabled people . It’s amazing how they put ear phones on the disabled and they remember the words of the songs their bodies come to life it’s amazing . The music calms down all aggressive behavior. I hope you look it up.
I know just how hard it is to remember all the fun and romantic times spent together. Rick only knows me and he wants to know I’m near at all times.
your lucky your husband can sit up. I would be so happy to get Rick up into his lift chair again.
Don’t put a guilt trip on yourself. Your doing a wonderful job caring for him. People have no idea what a caregiver really faces caring for their disabled spouse. It breaks your heart
watching them continue to deteriorate.
I pray the mighty blood of Jesus over him and me . I use olive oil to anoint the sign of the cross on his forehead . As a blessing from our Lord . I had to turn my terrible depression over to God . I hope you have family that help you . I have no one other than people I have to pay to do any favor I need.
I pray God heals your heart and strengthens you so you know you are
a blessing to your husband . That without your care what would happen to him then? Always remember those wonderful years and as you do share
that time with your husband even though he may never remember it will stimulate his mind. I really hope you try the music it’s wonderful what it does for disabled persons. I pray our Lord sends his guardian angels to bless you and your family to keep you safe. To give you inward strength to continue your loving care of your husband .
God be with you . Please text me any time , I would love to share my life story with you if you would like . I’m thinking of putting it on here also. I have no family that can give me a hand . I have to pay for any help I get . But I continue to thank God for each day I get to spend with Rick and I keep praying I am able to continue caring for him as I have all our years together . He’s always been so spoiled.
Take care
🙏🙏🙏💕🌺🌺
It's fine, it's normal, it's human. You were too busy being together and living your lives together to stop and (mentally) stare at it. But I'm glad you have those happy, happy memories to sustain you now.
Hang onto those precious memories and maybe document them. Even though your husband may not understand continue to tell him how much you love him and how much you value your relationship.
Prayers that you are blessed with peace, grace and love.
Of course you miss him terribly. Even though he's still living, you're grieving the loss of him. Be kind to yourself. Take care of you because being a 24 hour caregiver to someone is no easy task.
Nobody gets out of here alive--and hopefully we all have been blessed with enough love and care that 'leaving' is not awful for anyone.
When I went through chemotherapy, I truly came to find out who was 'there' for me and who was not. No anger, no judgment, many people can't handle 'sick' of any kind.
Life is so short. I hope my LO's know how much I cared for them. I have no idea how most of them feel about me. It's not a contest, nor a goal. I believe life on earth is brief and challenging, but it is what it is.
My daddy spent about 3 years being 'unaware' of most things. I spent a LOT of time with his as he was bedridden. Nothing can take that from me.
What's that song? "What the world needs now is love, sweet love, that's the only thing that's there's just too little of".
We're all human, but it makes no sense to go over the would haves, could haves or should haves in our minds. All we have is today, so please make sure you're making the very best out of it. and be thankful that you still have your memories of the good times shared. God bless you.
It sounds like you have precious memories of your husband and children. It is true, sometimes we don’t know what we have, until it’s gone. Don’t you think part of that is because we were young and busy with raising our children, along with many other things.
Here’s another take. my mother in law was the dearest woman in the world. She was so very kind to us. Well, whenever she was around our daughter, she would look right past us with a giant smile on her face that lit up the entire room. She would say to our child. “Come see grandma!”
My husband and I would look at each other and giggle. My mother in law’s love for our daughter was so touching. We would joke around saying, “Gee, we remember when we got a big hug and kiss before our daughter was born, now we are invisible.” We are grateful that our oldest child knew her. She died before the youngest one was born. My parents did the same thing. They were fabulous grandparents, but we knew they didn’t forget about us.
We absolutely knew that we didn’t hold a candle next to a precious child and we didn’t mind one single bit. After my mother in law said hello to her granddaughter, we got our hugs. We knew that she loved us! I have no doubt that your husband knew that you loved him and knew that you were busy with life and raising your children.
One of my favorite quotes and mantras is from the book "How Green Was My Valley" --
"...there is no fence or hedge round Time that has gone. You can go back and have what you like if you remember it well enough."
Treasure the memories of the good times, because they haven't been taken from you.