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Must say that I had the most wonderful parents in the world, and am now 81 and s/p being both a parent and a grandparent. For me, isn't this the norm?
Do kids every listen to their parents? Do parents ever listen to their kids? And do grandkids ever listen to either one?
I am having a funny-bone day here, but the truth is that our elders/we AS elders, are facing down loss upon loss upon loss. Start at the top, the brain, the hearing, the eyes, the teeth, and stop at the deformed feet we can't bend down to trim the nails on. Losses of continence. And that last loss of our autonomy over our own decisions, our own finances, our own living choices. The losses have no upside. Not like we can say "Oh, I will grown out of this".
It's a terribly painful time. Our children wish to help us and we wish they would basically stop trying to parent their parents. It's a time of struggle. A time of fear. A time we as kids stand witness to the grief of seeing a parent we once needed, descend into a parent needy of us.
There's no good answer to this one. Sadly. Life is full of beauty. And life is full of pain. And this is on the pain side of things.
There are many of us who had to "parent" our parents since we were children ourselves. There are struggles in every stage of life.
No one is born elderly and needy. During all those years before the neediness and old age, is when you should treat your family right. To make old age plans for your own care so as not to be a burden to your kids.
Then there's the kids who grew up in dysfunction and abuse. We don't owe our parents a damn thing. Anything we give is a gift. It's that much gravy because it's not owed.
- are they hard of hearing? Has their hearing ever been tested? Would they comply with/understand a hearing test? Can they afford hearing aids? Would they even wear them if they got them?
- have they ever been medically tested for dementia (tested by their primary doctor)?
These are the most common reasons why elders act the way you describe. When my Mom's hearing started to rapidly worsen (and she was in denial) I told her that I would resign my PoA if she thought I was going to yell stuff at her all day long. She got hearing aids and I make sure she wears them. It's a game changer.
If you are attempting to care for 2 people with cognitive/memory issues, you may burn out in the process. If you are not their PoA and/or they don't have the financial means to afford AL or MC, please consider contacting social services for their county to discuss options. They may be eligible for some in-home services, like light housekeeping, food prep, hygiene.
If you are not getting paid to care for them right now, this should really happen (but would require a written contract and non-cash payments so that your parents won't be disqualified for Medicaid in the future).
Also please educate yourself on dementia so that you can learn strategies to have better and more productive and peaceful interactions with them (see Teepa Snow videos on YouTube -- she's an expert on caregiving people with dementia).
If you can get at least 1 of your parents transitioned into a facility, it would help you immensely. If your parents have some financial means, you can use it to hire outside aids to give you a break. If you're an only child (like me) you do not have to bear this burden without help -- that would be utterly unreasonable as well as unsustainable.
Hi, there. Yes, I have experienced what I think you are asking about. I sometimes think my 88-yr-old dad could hear the exact same thing I'm saying from someone else and be just fine. But coming from his "kid"? Oh, heck no. He'll do as he pleases, thank you very much, 🙄 Part of me admires his spirit when it doesn't annoy me. 😂 That said, if the result was ever putting him in an unsafe situation I would find another way for the info to get through. Not sure if that's what you're going through or not.
Is it the parents who are getting angry, or you getting angry. Well, #1, realize you can only control yourself. If parents are getting angry, not much you can do per se If its you getting angry, then, Yes. I still do despite trying to work on this. I dont think the change comes overnight. Rationally I'm trying to tell myself that what my parent does is due to the dementia/ brain disease, plain and simple. So logically, I should immediately stop feeling angry at things. But I still do. Although its slowly lessening. I think it takes time for us caretaker's minds to adjust. Also the more time you spend on caregiving, and the less breaks you have, the more stress there is, and the more drift towards burnout, and I think burnout tends more to going into anger.
Being a caregiver for TWO 93 year old stubborn parents is not possible to do without snapping like a twig.
They aren't going to listen or care what you say. You are torturing yourself and letting 2 elders (that have lived a very long life) take away the prime of your own life as a caregiver slave. Getting yelled at and disrespected when you are giving so much energy to protect and help them constantly is torture, and will eventually make your own health tank.
If they are constantly getting mad, acting rude and ungrateful for all you do, verbally abuse you, or have constant anger toward you, time to go. There are many ways to get out from under this train wreck situation you can read here.
Of course folks will tell you to "get used to it" or "be patient" or "It's the disease and not really them meaning it." I say put yourself in reverse, and let them find another family member to abuse and disrespect. Or they can pay big money for professionals. Good luck in getting freedom and your life back.
Thank you for your input Dawn88. To give a better view of the situation, I'm on disability due to a head injury 40 yrs ago, almost dying + coma, and after going through years of suffering through the after effects of the head injury and surgery, I gradually reconditioned myself to be functional, and more self sufficient. My father was angry that whole time with my getting myself better. Over the years I went to mental health support groups, and was a participant, later on becoming a group facilitator there. Mostly because we all became comfortable with each other there. After my injury I learned how to calm myself, and that extends to others I'm with. Everyone, even my family was used to that over the years, until I had to change. I could list many instances, basically when I speak up for myself, even the smallest example, that's when they get angry. What kind of people get angry, when you are trying to get help for yourself? Threats for calling my doctor, and asking me, if I'm taking my medication, when I speak up myself setting boundaries. I pay 800/mo in rent, also used to pay for a new car used to go shopping, easier to get in & out of, for doctor visits, and personal use. Previous cars were 21 & 14 yrs old, father said they were still good cars. He was angry because he did not want me to have a new car, while he knew my old car had technical glitches, his was 21 yrs old. I cleaned & maintained those 2 old cars. Traded in for an affordable one. I clean, do laundry, the shopping, trips to the doctor, landscaping & tree trimming, house & pool maintenance & repair, roof cleaning, everything to maintain the household and property, mainly because both parents don't want to spend the money to have it done. They've always complained about how much everything costs. (They grew up with little, potatoes to eat, an outhouse in the back). A few years after my head injury, and after their retirement, my folks said they'd have the inheritance to me after they pass, and my 5 brothers and 2 sisters were all accepting of that, because they had their own lives, and I missed out on mine. When things were not so good, starting a few years ago, I went to my sisters house, 2500 miles away, to see if I could get my medical insurance there, yes, and I also got 2 of my brothers to start their will. The older brother has POA, and my other brother is a back-up. Either way of looking at the situation, I learned how to do things the hard way. live and learn.
You have no info as to how or why you are a caregiver for them. If they are cognizant they pretty much can do what they want to do. Your brother is POA so you have little to say in the choices they make. I think that you should stop spending ANY of your money on doing any repairs, maintenance and work around the house. If the POA is in effect you tell the POA what needs to be done. I would do that in the form of a letter so that there is proof of the communication. If the POA fails in the duties you contact the back up POA.
If you think their choices are not safe you can try to obtain Guardianship or you can report unsafe conditions to APS.
By the way them verbally telling you that any inheritance will pass to you is meaningless. Their wishes have to be written. Any of your siblings may decide that you inheriting all is not fair.
Hi Grandma1954, I'm the caregiver because I've lived with my folks since they retired in Florida, shortly after my accident/head injury. the rest of my family stayed up north. I don't use my money, just my time & effort.
my parents are 95. My father went into NH last year, my mother in September.
Very hard because no decisions were made — wills, revocable trust on the house, POA proxies until February 2023. My parents did not trust their daughters to do right by them and did not want to put their affairs in order.
I shared responsibility with my sibling taking care of them when they lived “independently “ 🤣 and even splitting it was crazy making.
I am waiting on my mothers Medicaid, hoping for a positive decision so I know for sure that we don’t have to start in all over again dealing with her having to come home. I am anxiety ridden over this.
I no longer want to do anything for her or my father. It’s been since 2020 that we have been at this and I am tired of it all.just want to visit a couple of times a month.
Oh my goodness, yes! You are not alone…..so much so I’ve been told to get out of the house and get out of their life! Not allowed to be involved in thei health decisions and it’s so unfortunate because they really need help!
Because they are losing control and you are the child. Its hard when the roles are changing. My daddy did not argue with me he just said awful things about me to strangers. I already had POA and he knew down deep inside that I was taking care of him. When he was in a home he would be willful of things and the home would call me and I would talk to him telling him if he was not good I would not be able to come see him and he would calm down and I would bring him a treat the next day. The last week of his life he looked at me and told me he loved me and I knew he did! These diseases that we have to deal with SUCK and sometimes we have to do unconventional things to keep them safe. So if you have to lie, go behind their backs or whatever as long as you are caring for them more power to you! I did and I would not change what I did cuz my daddy was safe and taken care of. Blessings
You are not alone! My mother is 85 and as stubborn as the day is long, but sadly her common sense is gone. When she was in the hospital recently she only wanted to argue with me on everything. The minute she started I just waited for a break in her tirade and told her “I’m gonna go, mama. See you tomorrow”. She was very surprised that I would remove myself from her arguing, but she was a bit nicer the next day when I went to see her. In her opinion, I am still her young child who has no life experience or knowledge LOL. And that may be part of the problem with our elderly parents who don’t want to listen, they still view us as the “young children”, not full grown adults.
I always say it’s like having a toddler I can’t discipline. My mom has Alzheimer’s, so she won’t do better and she can’t learn. She makes messes but I don’t think she can see them. She eats too many snacks. She used to eat 5-6 snacks while I was cooking dinner. Can you imagine getting even 1 snack when you were at your mom’s house and she was cooking…NEVER happened! lol.
Of course! It’s the rule, not the exception! It is very much like that for my mom and my in-laws. All are 87 and similar at where they are at in cognitive decline. Count on it getting more challenging and exercising more patience. I agree that there is a regression in behavior in that they become childlike in disposition. That said, I count it a privilege to help our parents. I am even more pleased that we are able to prevent so many unscrupulous entities from taking advantage of them even when they fight against it. Godspeed in your journey.
I don't think you can avoid bouts of anger. As we get older, we try to hold onto any ability to make our own choices, even if they are not always best for us. It's hard not to remember who you were. Thanks for your service.
No one has an unlimited supply of patience. I have a long experience in caregiving. 25 years in homecare. In that long experience I can honestly say that it's better if family does not care for needy and aging family.
I've been a caregiver for countless stubborn elders with some kind of dementia or other. Most of the time they saved the behaviors they have no control over for their family. So it's better for most families to hire outside help or even care facility placement.
I remember one client I had. An old lady with dementia who lived with her son and DIL. She detested her DIL long before she was formally diagnosed with dementia. She'd be nice as pie with me all day long. I'd tell her throughout the day that she needed to go to the bathroom.
Every single day, the moment her DIL's got home from work the client would crap herself. It's hard to believe, but she saved it for her. I wouldn't have believed it if I didn't witness it firsthand myself. One day I told her DIL to ring the house phone and say she was in the driveway and could I help her carry in some packages. She actually had to day off and her MIL didn't know because she left for the day. She called about three hours before she normally came home.
Her MIL heard that she was in the driveway and I was eaving early, she crapped though everything. A lot of the time, a person can still have self-awareness even when they've got dementia. This woman certainly did.
The MIL was put into AL after the DIL threatened to move out. She dod very well there.
I was a part-time caretaker to both my parents. I had split the responsibility with my sister but they are now thankfully in a NH.
My have parents are now going on 96. Three years ago I suggested to my mother that she remove the bathtub in their only bathroom. They owned this home since 1962 and is in no way set up for eldercare. I suggested they install a shower because it was an accident waiting to happen for either of them to get into or out of that bathtub. I worried a lot.
My mother got so angry that I made such a horrendous suggestion, telling me I always had such grandiose ideas of how to spend other people's money. And how dare I suggest something like this. My father was never capable of an independent thought so he did not express an opinion or agree with me. It took two years for them to get that damn shower. Bathfitters charged about $10,000 to install a handicap accessible shower and I thought that was not a bad price considering the plumbing was not up to code and needed to be redone.
My mother had to fall and end up in rehab before that shower was installed. She finally listened when my sister suggested it. They only used it for about a year before one and then the other went to the NH. What a waste of money, it could have been enjoyed for much longer, but no that's not how my parents' roll.
My mother was and still is so angry. I seem to get the brunt of it. My relationship with my mother is complicated. I love her only because she is my mother but I don't like her, never did. She is a miserable, mean-spirited person who thinks she is better than everyone else. She was an abusive bully when I was a child.
I have distanced myself from her by living 3,000 miles away and choosing how much of her vitriol I will explose myself to.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
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You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
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For me, isn't this the norm?
Do kids every listen to their parents?
Do parents ever listen to their kids?
And do grandkids ever listen to either one?
I am having a funny-bone day here, but the truth is that our elders/we AS elders, are facing down loss upon loss upon loss. Start at the top, the brain, the hearing, the eyes, the teeth, and stop at the deformed feet we can't bend down to trim the nails on. Losses of continence. And that last loss of our autonomy over our own decisions, our own finances, our own living choices. The losses have no upside. Not like we can say "Oh, I will grown out of this".
It's a terribly painful time. Our children wish to help us and we wish they would basically stop trying to parent their parents. It's a time of struggle. A time of fear. A time we as kids stand witness to the grief of seeing a parent we once needed, descend into a parent needy of us.
There's no good answer to this one. Sadly. Life is full of beauty. And life is full of pain. And this is on the pain side of things.
There are many of us who had to "parent" our parents since we were children ourselves.
There are struggles in every stage of life.
No one is born elderly and needy. During all those years before the neediness and old age, is when you should treat your family right. To make old age plans for your own care so as not to be a burden to your kids.
Then there's the kids who grew up in dysfunction and abuse. We don't owe our parents a damn thing. Anything we give is a gift. It's that much gravy because it's not owed.
- are they hard of hearing? Has their hearing ever been tested? Would they comply with/understand a hearing test? Can they afford hearing aids? Would they even wear them if they got them?
- have they ever been medically tested for dementia (tested by their primary doctor)?
These are the most common reasons why elders act the way you describe. When my Mom's hearing started to rapidly worsen (and she was in denial) I told her that I would resign my PoA if she thought I was going to yell stuff at her all day long. She got hearing aids and I make sure she wears them. It's a game changer.
If you are attempting to care for 2 people with cognitive/memory issues, you may burn out in the process. If you are not their PoA and/or they don't have the financial means to afford AL or MC, please consider contacting social services for their county to discuss options. They may be eligible for some in-home services, like light housekeeping, food prep, hygiene.
If you are not getting paid to care for them right now, this should really happen (but would require a written contract and non-cash payments so that your parents won't be disqualified for Medicaid in the future).
Also please educate yourself on dementia so that you can learn strategies to have better and more productive and peaceful interactions with them (see Teepa Snow videos on YouTube -- she's an expert on caregiving people with dementia).
If you can get at least 1 of your parents transitioned into a facility, it would help you immensely. If your parents have some financial means, you can use it to hire outside aids to give you a break. If you're an only child (like me) you do not have to bear this burden without help -- that would be utterly unreasonable as well as unsustainable.
Well, #1, realize you can only control yourself. If parents are getting angry, not much you can do per se
If its you getting angry, then, Yes. I still do despite trying to work on this. I dont think the change comes overnight. Rationally I'm trying to tell myself that what my parent does is due to the dementia/ brain disease, plain and simple. So logically, I should immediately stop feeling angry at things. But I still do. Although its slowly lessening. I think it takes time for us caretaker's minds to adjust.
Also the more time you spend on caregiving, and the less breaks you have, the more stress there is, and the more drift towards burnout, and I think burnout tends more to going into anger.
They aren't going to listen or care what you say. You are torturing yourself and letting 2 elders (that have lived a very long life) take away the prime of your own life as a caregiver slave. Getting yelled at and disrespected when you are giving so much energy to protect and help them constantly is torture, and will eventually make your own health tank.
If they are constantly getting mad, acting rude and ungrateful for all you do, verbally abuse you, or have constant anger toward you, time to go. There are many ways to get out from under this train wreck situation you can read here.
Of course folks will tell you to "get used to it" or "be patient" or "It's the disease and not really them meaning it." I say put yourself in reverse, and let them find another family member to abuse and disrespect. Or they can pay big money for professionals. Good luck in getting freedom and your life back.
I pay 800/mo in rent, also used to pay for a new car used to go shopping, easier to get in & out of, for doctor visits, and personal use. Previous cars were 21 & 14 yrs old, father said they were still good cars. He was angry because he did not want me to have a new car, while he knew my old car had technical glitches, his was 21 yrs old. I cleaned & maintained those 2 old cars. Traded in for an affordable one. I clean, do laundry, the shopping, trips to the doctor, landscaping & tree trimming, house & pool maintenance & repair, roof cleaning, everything to maintain the household and property, mainly because both parents don't want to spend the money to have it done. They've always complained about how much everything costs. (They grew up with little, potatoes to eat, an outhouse in the back).
A few years after my head injury, and after their retirement, my folks said they'd have the inheritance to me after they pass, and my 5 brothers and 2 sisters were all accepting of that, because they had their own lives, and I missed out on mine.
When things were not so good, starting a few years ago, I went to my sisters house, 2500 miles away, to see if I could get my medical insurance there, yes, and I also got 2 of my brothers to start their will. The older brother has POA, and my other brother is a back-up.
Either way of looking at the situation, I learned how to do things the hard way. live and learn.
If they are cognizant they pretty much can do what they want to do.
Your brother is POA so you have little to say in the choices they make.
I think that you should stop spending ANY of your money on doing any repairs, maintenance and work around the house. If the POA is in effect you tell the POA what needs to be done. I would do that in the form of a letter so that there is proof of the communication. If the POA fails in the duties you contact the back up POA.
If you think their choices are not safe you can try to obtain Guardianship or you can report unsafe conditions to APS.
By the way them verbally telling you that any inheritance will pass to you is meaningless. Their wishes have to be written. Any of your siblings may decide that you inheriting all is not fair.
Very hard because no decisions were made — wills, revocable trust on the house, POA proxies until February 2023. My parents did not trust their daughters to do right by them and did not want to put their affairs in order.
I shared responsibility with my sibling taking care of them when they lived “independently “ 🤣 and even splitting it was crazy making.
I am waiting on my mothers Medicaid, hoping for a positive decision so I know for sure that we don’t have to start in all over again dealing with her having to come home. I am anxiety ridden over this.
I no longer want to do anything for her or my father. It’s been since 2020 that we have been at this and I am tired of it all.just want to visit a couple of times a month.
I always say it’s like having a toddler I can’t discipline. My mom has Alzheimer’s, so she won’t do better and she can’t learn. She makes messes but I don’t think she can see them. She eats too many snacks. She used to eat 5-6 snacks while I was cooking dinner. Can you imagine getting even 1 snack when you were at your mom’s house and she was cooking…NEVER happened! lol.
I've been a caregiver for countless stubborn elders with some kind of dementia or other. Most of the time they saved the behaviors they have no control over for their family. So it's better for most families to hire outside help or even care facility placement.
I remember one client I had. An old lady with dementia who lived with her son and DIL. She detested her DIL long before she was formally diagnosed with dementia.
She'd be nice as pie with me all day long. I'd tell her throughout the day that she needed to go to the bathroom.
Every single day, the moment her DIL's got home from work the client would crap herself. It's hard to believe, but she saved it for her. I wouldn't have believed it if I didn't witness it firsthand myself. One day I told her DIL to ring the house phone and say she was in the driveway and could I help her carry in some packages. She actually had to day off and her MIL didn't know because she left for the day. She called about three hours before she normally came home.
Her MIL heard that she was in the driveway and I was eaving early, she crapped though everything.
A lot of the time, a person can still have self-awareness even when they've got dementia. This woman certainly did.
The MIL was put into AL after the DIL threatened to move out. She dod very well there.
My have parents are now going on 96. Three years ago I suggested to my mother that she remove the bathtub in their only bathroom. They owned this home since 1962 and is in no way set up for eldercare. I suggested they install a shower because it was an accident waiting to happen for either of them to get into or out of that bathtub. I worried a lot.
My mother got so angry that I made such a horrendous suggestion, telling me I always had such grandiose ideas of how to spend other people's money. And how dare I suggest something like this. My father was never capable of an independent thought so he did not express an opinion or agree with me. It took two years for them to get that damn shower. Bathfitters charged about $10,000 to install a handicap accessible shower and I thought that was not a bad price considering the plumbing was not up to code and needed to be redone.
My mother had to fall and end up in rehab before that shower was installed. She finally listened when my sister suggested it. They only used it for about a year before one and then the other went to the NH. What a waste of money, it could have been enjoyed for much longer, but no that's not how my parents' roll.
My mother was and still is so angry. I seem to get the brunt of it. My relationship with my mother is complicated. I love her only because she is my mother but I don't like her, never did. She is a miserable, mean-spirited person who thinks she is better than everyone else. She was an abusive bully when I was a child.
I have distanced myself from her by living 3,000 miles away and choosing how much of her vitriol I will explose myself to.