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By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Is it normal to feel anger and frustration around a very needy mother who thinks you should be her entertainment 24/7. I feel so bad for feeling like this! Any suggestions?
Well, if it's not normal to feel this way, then we're ALL a bunch of big fat losers around here LOL. All joking aside, though, of course it's normal to feel annoyed and frustrated with an elder who seems to be sucking you dry! We all feel that way sometimes, me included. I guess your mother lives alone, according to your profile......it's hard to tell. Hopefully you don't live together so you can limit your contact and get away from the neediness that way.
I don't think there's much to feel bad/guilty about, either, because in reality, we're all human. We all have our breaking points, too, and can only stand so much 'togetherness'. My mother was always the smothering type as well, so I never did appreciate that kind of behavior. My suggestion to you is for YOU to call the shots. Decide when you will visit, how long you will stay, what activities you can do together to limit the complaining.
Remember that you can't be anybody's entertainment 24/7, either, that is unrealistic. Look into a senior center for your mother who's still pretty young, and see if you can get her interested in signing up. There's also Silver Sneakers and other exercise classes available at the Y and other places in your neighborhood. See what she might like to do, other than count on YOU for fun.
thank you so much for your response. Unfortunately my mother has never had many friends or hobbies. My family and I have suggested senior centers, exercise classes, hobbies.....she says she'll do it and NEVER does. I'm 48 years old and the only daughter left in the area to help her. She recently had a broken leg and Dad went into an Assisted Living facility.....so it's gotten worse. Her whole life she took care of people and had no life of her own....depending on her kids and family to entertain her.
I can relate, my dad wants my company a lot too. The trick is to set boundaries and stick to it. Also, can she go to an activity center or adult day care? That might help to keep her occupied.
Another option is to hire a care person to keep her company for a while.
The short answer to your question is YES! It is normal to feel as you do. Most of us can say, ‘Been there, done that.’
If there isn’t a legitimate emergency you don’t have to be available every time she wants you to be there. The more that you are. The more that she will expect it.
Try to have a ‘matter of fact’ approach to it. If she is trying to get a reaction she won’t receive one.
She may truly be bored, lonely but you can’t be everything to your mom. You can offer to introduce her to things.
For instance, I know an older woman who calls me and ask me to do things with her and I occasionally will spend time with her but she is the type if I give her an inch she wants a mile.
So I limit my time with her. I recently told her that I will go to the senior community center with her to do a chair yoga class and lunch. I will get her started because she is very shy around new people but then she is on her own.
As someone who has done this recently; set some boundaries, then hang on to them tooth and nail! It takes some effort, but it's worth it. Example: "No mom, I can't come into town today, but I can see you Wednesday"; doesn't get her way, but has to settle for it. Or: "The pharmacy delivers, mom; I don't need to get your prescription and bring it to you, they can bring it tomorrow." She doesn't like these answers, and sometimes in the beginning when I got there, she had finangled someone else into getting whatever (didn't call and tell me), which was maddening, but things are much better now. You CAN weasel a life of your own out of this situation.
I don't do needy well. I feel is just another way to manipulate someone.
As said, Boundries! From the day Mom had to give up her license, we did things when I wanted to or had the time. I worked a p/t job. Appts were made when I could do them. Once a week we went shopping and did errands. But, my Mom had a life of her own. She had Church and friends who invited her places.
Think this way... the less u do for Mom the more AL may look better to her. 3 meals a day, laundry done, cleaing done, meds given, activities.
Good advice! This is a healthy balance. We can’t always please others. It’s give and take. We make sacrifices for others and they accept doing things according to our schedule.
What are your boundaries? You have stated that your mother will not move in with her husband, it comes to a time when what she wants really doesn't matter, it is what is best for all involved.
She can live for another 10-15 years, do you really want to strap yourself in for that period of time? Keep in mind, she will not get better, the more you cater to her neediness the more she will demand.
I would sit back and think the entire situation over, you have a family too, and, they must be your priority, not her. There is an option for her, why not take advantage of it. Good Luck!
From your profile: "I am caring for my mother JOY, who is 78 years old, living at home with age-related decline, anxiety, arthritis, depression, diabetes, incontinence, and mobility problems."
Does she live with you? You say you are the only local daughter. Are there any local sons?
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
I don't think there's much to feel bad/guilty about, either, because in reality, we're all human. We all have our breaking points, too, and can only stand so much 'togetherness'. My mother was always the smothering type as well, so I never did appreciate that kind of behavior. My suggestion to you is for YOU to call the shots. Decide when you will visit, how long you will stay, what activities you can do together to limit the complaining.
Remember that you can't be anybody's entertainment 24/7, either, that is unrealistic. Look into a senior center for your mother who's still pretty young, and see if you can get her interested in signing up. There's also Silver Sneakers and other exercise classes available at the Y and other places in your neighborhood. See what she might like to do, other than count on YOU for fun.
Good luck!
Another option is to hire a care person to keep her company for a while.
If there isn’t a legitimate emergency you don’t have to be available every time she wants you to be there. The more that you are. The more that she will expect it.
Try to have a ‘matter of fact’ approach to it. If she is trying to get a reaction she won’t receive one.
She may truly be bored, lonely but you can’t be everything to your mom. You can offer to introduce her to things.
For instance, I know an older woman who calls me and ask me to do things with her and I occasionally will spend time with her but she is the type if I give her an inch she wants a mile.
So I limit my time with her. I recently told her that I will go to the senior community center with her to do a chair yoga class and lunch. I will get her started because she is very shy around new people but then she is on her own.
It could help her make some friends and maybe find some interests.
As said, Boundries! From the day Mom had to give up her license, we did things when I wanted to or had the time. I worked a p/t job. Appts were made when I could do them. Once a week we went shopping and did errands. But, my Mom had a life of her own. She had Church and friends who invited her places.
Think this way... the less u do for Mom the more AL may look better to her. 3 meals a day, laundry done, cleaing done, meds given, activities.
She can live for another 10-15 years, do you really want to strap yourself in for that period of time? Keep in mind, she will not get better, the more you cater to her neediness the more she will demand.
I would sit back and think the entire situation over, you have a family too, and, they must be your priority, not her. There is an option for her, why not take advantage of it. Good Luck!
Does she live with you? You say you are the only local daughter. Are there any local sons?