My parents have come to live with my husband and I. They are still independent, but have been struggling with the basics of day to day life and will probably only need more help as time goes by.
My siblings and I all noticed that they were forgetting things and having difficulty navigating their two story home. Now that I've helped my parents move and have lived with them a few weeks, I realize that it was worse than we knew. My mother is getting confused easily, which she tries to cover up. My father's temper is getting out of hand. Those are just a few examples of things I wouldn't know if I didn't live with them every day.
My siblings and I have usually kept up with one another through our parents, but now I feel like I should be communicating with them directly about how my parents are doing, though I'm not sure all of my siblings really want to know.
I imagine that hearing about it might make them feel guilty. It isn't my goal to make them feel bad or to martyr myself. (Personally, I hate whining.) I just want them to know what is going on, and that there are realities that have to be dealt with on a day to day basis.
Does anyone have any suggestions on what works to keep those siblings who are interested in the loop? What doesn't work?
Maybe a text every 3-4 months and ask the recipient if they want to stay in the loop or not. Then go from there.
Maybe once a month or so I would send out an email with a nice simple greeting followed by "Just wanting to keep you up to date on how the folks are doing:"
Then just bullet items you want to share. Avoid paragraphs and a lot of verbiage...stick to the basics:
*Mom tries to call people using the TV remote.
*Dad is yelling more and using cuss words when he gets upset about something.
* Dad denies having breakfast when he has it every day.
*Mom forgot to turn off the stove Tuesday when boiling a couple eggs.
Include updates of dr visits, too.
The emails will be a log of what's going on and eventually a justification of the need for a higher level of skilled when and if needed.
Even if she didn't respond, it keeps me organized, and I feel better after writing a little bit every few visits. My mom has alzheimers, and it helps me keep track of some of her physiological and cognitive changes too.
Give them time to adjust to a new environment. Moving is difficult on elders.
If you have kept in touch through your parents, be sure they have their own phone, and support any efforts to continue this family tradition. People can tell when talking to someone they have known for their whole lives that there are glitches or a decline in their parents.
Don't be surprised if siblings call you up to check out a complaint that Mom might have exaggerated and shared about you! (Not everyone declines in this way, but it happens). There are so many reasons for protecting their independence, dignity, and privacy. And finding a way to continue to have your own privacy.
Guess I am going to recommend this to you at first:
THE PHONE WORKS BOTH WAYS.
Whenever I would start asking, my family member would go underground with information. If I did not ask, she would willingly share. And, as always, there is the "Why don't you ask him yourself", a good idea.
Unless siblings can help out with caregiving, sharing should be on a need to know basis. imo.
She does, say, though that she feels guilty she can't be here doing more and has offered to buy whatever our dad needs. I take her up on that. If he needs something, I tell her and she buys it. He gets what he needs, I get what I need, and... I guess she gets what she needs?
What works for me, though, is going with what feels right. I think you'll find out from your siblings just how interested they are, and then you can adjust accordingly. And, in those moments when you can't believe they aren't more interested, you can drop a subtle comment on just how much 'needs' doing, not even how much 'you're' doing.
My suggestion would be to call each one of them. Ask how they would feel about maybe a weekly/monthly text. Tell them you have seen things in your parents that no one seemed to see before. You r not trying to guilt them just don't want them to have any surprises if they should come to visit. You won't make it lengthly maybe sometimes you may not need to text because its just same old same old. That way they hear the inflections of your voice. If a few say thats Ok don't need any updates then you just say OK thats why I am asking.
Don't tell them how you are handling things. If they ask be honest, more than I expected but its doable. Or, if u think the sibling is really concerned you could ask if they could care for parents while you and hub get away. Or run an errand. Less info the better.
My BIL was POA and lived 7/8 hrs away from MIL. We knew she was not going back to her house. So for the two weeks we were there we were cleaning out her house to be sold. BIL had hired someone to get things together and have an estate sale. When SIL would call I'd tell her what we had done to help get ready. After I had done this one or two times I was told point blank that she really didn't need the info. She is a nasty person on a good day. I wasn't trying to make it sound like "look what we r doing" just wanted her to know for the lady running the sale.
best wishes
When they inquired into his $$, I told them it was not my information to share and they had to ask Pop. I only told them that he was able to support himself and needed nothing from us children financially.
If you email with your siblings, just answer the questions put to you. Ditto on texting. If they are interested, they won't wait for you to give them a report, they will ask.
When my DH started his decline, I sent an email monthly to alert his 3 children on his condition. Only 1 ever replied. Looking back, I should have waited for him to ask - because today I realized, he never asked about his own father.
But you should have heard the crying after he passed.
Too little, too late, as he was now gone.
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