I hope it's ok for me to post here since I'm not actually the caregiver. My sister is the caregiver for our elderly father. He lives at home and is bedridden. My sister lives with him and takes care of him full time. She has an aide come in fo relieve her for 8 hours a day. I work a full-time job and live more than an hour away from them. I have sciatica and constant pain, so I am unable to give any physical assistance. I visit once a week on my day off to spend time with him. My sister is experiencing extreme burnout and she takes it out on me. I feel really bad for her situation and have spent an hour or more every day talking her down. I've taken days off of work to visit. I've also tried to offer solutions many, many times, but she won't listen. She says he's running out of money, but she refuses to share his financial situation with me and has refused my offers of money to help out. He wants her, and no one else, to be there for him 24/7 and she obliges. He can be very difficult, which leads to tons of texts and calls from her telling me how miserable she is. Consequently, I feel horrible guilt about having a husband and a job. I've fallen into a pretty bad depression because of this and it's affecting my both my marriage and my job. My husband and I are planning to go away for a couple days, and I think we should cancel because how can I have a good time when she's always miserable? I feel selfish. I don't know what I should do or feel anymore.
You will find many on this forum that are in your position and you will find those who are in your sister’s shoes.
I would say that both of you are burning out. Have you ever suggested that your father be cared for by a professional staff at a facility? This way your sister can return to being his daughter instead of being his caregiver.
Can you ask dad directly about his finances instead of asking your sister about the financial situation?
Best wishes to you and your family. Please don’t skip your vacation! You work hard and deserve to have a vacation. Have a great time while you’re away. Don’t dwell on what is happening at your dad’s house because it is futile to do so.
My sister refuses to hand him over to a facility. She is a medical professional, and doesn't want anyone else caring for him. She also wants him to live the rest of his life in his own home with her.
My dad doesn't really know his financial situation anymore. She has power of attorney and handles everything.
My husband and I will go on our vacation, but I won't be able to erase the constant dread of the next lengthy text about her misery. Do I sound like a bad person?
You say, "My sister refuses to hand him over to a facility. She is a medical professional, and doesn't want anyone else caring for him. She also wants him to live the rest of his life in his own home with her." There you have it.
You forgot to say your sister also wants to vent to you CONSTANTLY about her misery which is taking a big toll on you, which she may not realize. My mother was what I call an Energy Vampire. She sucked the energy out of me and drained me dry by chronically complaining and by me absorbing all that negativity into my soul. She somehow made me feel as if her issues were MY fault, which is what your sister is doing to you.
It's not your fault that dad is old and sick.
Its not your fault sister chose to burden herself with all of his care and finances, refusing to share any of the details.
It's not your fault you have sciatica and cannot physically help (try ICE for the pain)
It's not for you to apologize for being married or having a job, OR for wanting a vacation!
My advice is to set down some boundaries with your sister right away. Do not take all of her calls or read all of her texts. Decide when you'll speak and for how long. Decide what time a day to look at texts, and skip over those that give you palpitations. Create your own safe haven. Remember that she took on this burden and can place dad if she chooses to! That she refuses doesn't make this your problem.
Go on vacation and turn off your phone. And have fun!
Stop trying.
You have explained you do not live there and are unable to participate in care.
Your sister, if she is spending her OWN money in your father's care is making a grave mistake.
If you offer to spend money of your own that is also a mistake.
The answer to your sister is quite simple really, and only one sentence:
"I am sorry you took on hands-on 24/7 care, and I am sorry I am unable to help you; I hope you will now consider placement for dad, but that choice, as the caregiving choice was, must be your own choice".
Period.
End of sentence.
When you are honest, this is all quite easy, if heartbreaking. But beating round the bush doesn't help the heartbreak; it exacerbates it.
This calls for blunt honesty.
Your sister has taken on Martyrdom and seems determined to throw her own body on your father's funeral pyre. You can't do anything about that but inform her that Sainthood is a very poor job description for anyone.
I forgot to mention that she has borderline personality disorder, which means she sometimes flies into frightening rages without warning. I have to walk on eggshells around her. I blocked her for a couple years and that upset my father so much. I told him that she emotionally abuses me, but he literally begged me to never block her again. (That was a few years ago.) The reason I won't block or ignore her is because I don't want her to unleash her rage on him. It's to protect him.
"He wants her, and no one else, to be there for him 24/7 and she obliges." I see 🤔😔
This.
Break it down.
1. "HE WANTS.." sure. He can want what he wants - doesn't mean he can HAVE it.
2. "and no-one else".
Is that reasonable? No.
3. "Be there for him 24/7" Again, reasonable? No.
4. "She obliges"
Is very hard to make deals with people with UNreasonable ideas. Let's call them *rationally changed*. You have to IGNORE their crazy & do what is reasonable for yourself.
For some reason your Sister is being as stubborn as him!
SHE is the one that will need to make CHANGES.
I would somehow direct her to this fantastic website about FOG.
https://outofthefog.website/
It is up to your Sister to step our of her FOG.
Take that holiday. Being phyiscally away is excellent to gain a new, clearer perspective.
When a live-in caregiver is stuck - care needs grew too high.. but where will they live & on what income if the elder's home is sold to pay for care?
Frankly my dear, you need to be gone with the wind and have a great time!
Enjoy your few days away, it will feel a bit different for you, but take your lead from your husband, watch his smile return, and you smile back. You can do the hard work of letting go of the negative thoughts. You can do this!
Don't let sister guilt you over this! You are a caring daughter who has made room in her life to include dad. The problem is that sis thinks she has bitten off more than she can chew and wants to spit out the bitter taste at you.
Go have a wonderful vacation. This problem will still be there when you return. However, use the vacation to reflect on what sis is trying to do to you (blame, vent, make you miserable). And resolve not to let her do that to you anymore.
Don't answer the phone, Ignore texts. Tell sis you'll be coming to visit dad once a week and will catch up with her two evenings a week via 20 minute phone calls. Inform her that you're depressed and need to engage in self-care. Be firm.
Or cut off sis and her whining altogether. You'd be justified to do that.
I'm truly envious of sis. She has an aide to help her eight hours a day! What does she actually DO that makes her so needy? She can go out if she wants, presumably. An aide would help with moving dad and feeding dad and cleaning dad. I don't see that sis has much to complain about, frankly.
Your dad is bedridden. You have no control over that
Your sister needs more help than she has. You have no control over that
Your dad only wants her to care for him. You have no control over that.
The next time your sister calls or texts, reply with "what is your plan to address that, sis?".
SHE needs to throw in the towel, say "no" to dad and get him more or different care. Stop trying to solve this for her.
YOU didn't create this mess. Guilt is not the appropriate emotion. Grief, sadness, frustration, yes. Guilt, no.