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Taking care of both my parents, mom 83 who has Parkinson's and limited mobility and dad 83 has dementia and can get into everything, I'm still working a stressful tech job, I'm responsible for their complete well being, I have an aide that we pay out of pocket about 25 hours Mon-Fri each week, and on the weekends it's all me, I get up at 6am 7 days a week to give mom her meds on Sat and Sundays I can go back to sleep till 10 am then she's ready to get up and take her shower and start her day. Originally I was just taking care of my Mom and my brother had my dad at my parents house, until he tried to commit suicide leaving him unable to help me with anything, I am so frustrated and exhausted of dealing with this entire situation, but I keep pushing everyday I don't have time for myself and definately not getting proper rest, mom's been at my house since 2018 and dad since December 2019, I moved back to their house in 2016 to help out but my dad was so mean to everyone that I had to buy my own house. There are times when I just want to give up and find a home for them but my mom is worried about paying out her and my dad's retirement and I guess I'm worried about the care they may get somewhere else.


Is it normal to be so drained and tired all the time.


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Oh yeah killing your kids sounds like a better solution than spending your retirement funds.

You need to step back and let them fail, then the care they receive from a facility will seem amazing.

You need to put your foot down, you are going to be a statistic if you don't. How is your brother? You know that the stress from caring for your demented dad played a huge role in your brother not being able to cope right?
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Patathome01 Aug 2020
That may be correct.
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Put them in a home before you end up like your brother.

Full stop.
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My suggestion is find a decent facility for both of them. It is too much for you. Sorry about your brother, very sad, indeed. How is he now? Caregiving only get harder as they decline. Need help from others, your health is at risk.
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Patathome01 Aug 2020
Her life is at risk, too.
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If you came here for sympathy, you have mine. I feel for you and understand how hard it is. Yes, you should be exhausted, mentally and physically, doing what you're doing. It will only get worse. If you came for advice, well mine would be to find a place for mom and dad where they will be taken care of 24/7. That's what their retirement is for at this stage, given their conditions. Good luck!
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ARRcare....
I agree with the others here who have posted their answers....You should be wiped out, if you're normal. This is way too heavy of a burden for 1 person.
Please look into a " decent" place for your poor parents....if there's enough resources available, perhaps hiring someone like a nanny, a live-in type of nurse/caregiver to be a constant help to you....This is too much for 1 person.
I'll be praying for you in the days to come, and as the Lord leads.
Turn to Christ, repent/turn away from your sins and make Him your Lord and Savior.
Then begin to ask Him to help you....He hears, He knows, and He knows if you're sincere, or not.
He can and will make a way for you to find a good solution, and in the meantime He will sustain you.
God bless you and Shalom. 🌺🕊🌺
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My advice is to find a place for them both ...@ the same facility. One parent may need higher level of care than the other but they can be at same place & see each other daily! You need to recover your health before you get something you’ll need help with too!!! I know just taking care of my 93 yo mother with dementia...immobile, incontinent...& violent sometimes...& I have private pay aide 25 hrs a week. I’m 61 but in pretty good shape...& I know I cannot do it too much longer!!! I made decision to take her out of SNF 3 years & 5 months ago. Everyone at SNF told me she’ll get worse...they were right. I didn’t listen...PLEASE put your parents in a facility so you don’t kill yourself!!! Hugs 🤗
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ARR,
I didn't heed the advice and warnings that I received here.
Now I am paying the price! Because I am stressed constantly and exhausted, physical things that should be manageable have blown up and snowballed.
There is no shame in placing your folks into memory care!! As a matter of fact, it might actually be better for them. They will be with staff that is equipped to deal with their needs. People who are trained to deal with Dementia.
You won't be able to help them if you end up in the hospital.
Please take care of yourself!!
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Yes and you haven’t even factored in the stress from Covid concerns.
You've been given great realistic suggestions.
I’d somewhat concerned about your work situation..... it sounds like your running on autopilot; coworkers can be quite accommodating even helpful but at some point in time some young gunner will not have a bit of charity for your situation & come after your job. (Unless you own the place)

Right now you can’t efficiently plan for a change as you don’t have time to do whats needed or evaluate options. I’d suggest that you speak with the current caregiver to see if she has a coworker who can come in on Saturday and a few evening hours twice a week both for oversight on the folks and household help. Maybe for 6 weeks so you can start your research on facilities for them and sorting out their finances, meet with an elder law atty AND have some time for yourself. If thier funds are not enough for 2 years or so, you need to look at places that will admit them as private pay and then has Medicaid beds to transition to. Personally I’d get them into a SNF rather than AL or MC this way they don’t have to move to a higher level of care later. The facilities can advise you as to if a needs assessment has to be done for admission if they are coming in under private pay.

I’d try to set a date, like by Oct 1st to get them moved. There will be another wave of Covid this winter. You want to get them into a place before that hits so they have time to adjust and you have time to visit and get to know the all the staff imho.

Also whatever the case, all caregivers costs must be getting paid from your parents funds. It’s unclear if that is what is happening..... really it needs to be from thier resources, not yours or your brothers.
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Omobowale Aug 2020
You seem quite knowledgeable! I just contacted an elder care lawyer. I was “guilt-tripped” into coming to live with my parents and giving up my dream job overseas. (I admit to very poor decision-making on my end!). “Since I was retired”.my father told me they needed me “more than the people in Africa you are working with”. (Same sentiment of a few other family members as well...and a few that warned me against being guilt-tripped!! I am a widow and only 62...and was working a paid job...trying to put off taking SS too early.) I came home where I was given my old bedroom with ONE drawer cleaned out! (I now have my own furniture in the room and also have use of a second room). I am expected to do this “for free”. In a recent conversation I was told they thought giving me “room and board” was enough. They have 10x the savings I have! They have had the option (and have turned it down 1-2x) to enter a local VA facility that is beautiful...and 5 min from their home. They also refused to pay the help I had arranged when in was overseas. There conditions have worsened over the year. They don’t need 24/7 care yet. But they do need daily help with meals and house upkeep. They don’t want to spend “your and your siblings inheritance”. The other day I had a frank conversation and said while it’s great they are “saving”” so much...I am
losing ALL my salary of the job I gave up!! In addition I now have expense of heath care, car, etc that I did not have at my last job!! My dad asked if I had any bills I needed “help with”. I said I wasn’t asking for charity. But I was very hurt that he had never asked what I needed...nor did he ever offer me any type of compensation. If they didn’t have money it would be a different situation. As it is. If they passed, my siblings would all get their “fair share” and I’d be out a year (and counting) salary! Mom
chimed in that my dad didn’t know how much caregivers were paid. He did. He rearranged the 3days/week we had set up and switched it to the person coming once every two weeks!! (Because he didn’t want to spend the money!!) LOL. I just burned my veggies I was steaming in the stove while I was writing this!! Yes...over-stressed!
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ARR, please save yourself! I agree with all replies here. You just will not be able to keep this up physically or mentally. Please think this through and put your health first before it's too late.
take care and be safe.
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Check out some options. Can they pay for care at home? I think as children we should do all we can to keep them at home. It’s the “all we can” that we each need to decide on. You have a lot of responsibilities and need to take a breather. This is a marathon not a sprint. Take care.
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Good Morning everyone, thanks for the informative responses, I'm going to set some goals for myself and look into other options, i think about this everyday, what's best for them, my dad sits on the couch watching TV looking like he's so board as he's always be a very active person and now confined to the house due to covid-19 and i don't have the energy to take them out after working a 10 hour shift.
I am 58 and would like work a while longer, and for those that asked about my brother is 50 he's living in my parents house with his daughter but has limited use of his hands, I actually have looked into some homes for my dad in the past but most of those places cost were way over what he's retirement is. The Washington DC metro area is so expensive, and they don't qualify for medicaid.
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xrayjodib Aug 2020
ARR,
For what it's worth, I had to move my Aunt from assisted living into memory care 3 weeks ago. I was scared to death that this move was going to send her on a downward spiral. Since then, I cannot get her on the phone because she is constantly out doing activities. The Director of the memory care tells me that she is busy playing cards, calling bingo and helping others. Although it frustrates me to get her answering machine, I realize that she now has purpose. When I do speak with her, she sounds happy. I know now that this is so much more than I could do for her if she was in my home.
God bless you on your journey!!
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It's a wonder that you have the energy to submit your situation to this site! Please know that you are doing too much & may endanger your life also. I'm so sorry for what happened to your brother. Caregiving is not for everyone. You need to help them & yourself (with their consent or your power) to use their retirement funds to place them in a facility (hopefully the same one) that will care for them! That's what their retirement funds are for. If they refuse, tell them that they need to hire full-time help 24/7 as you can no longer deal with it. You don't need to compromise your health or job! Seek out resources to help you with this.
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ARR, you are trying to be superhuman. I won't repeat the solid advice you have gotten here but I would like to add a new thought. Having your entire body hurt for no apparent reason is a sure sign of depression. Please give yourself the kindness of seeing your primary care provider for an evaluation. Getting treated for depression can make a world of difference in your continued ordeal. Just remember, most meds for depression will have an effect pretty soon but will take up to 8 weeks to be fully effective.
And keep searching for a place for Mom and Dad. All of you will benefit.
Best of luck to you.
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My dear ArrCarr,
I agree with the others who say you must not sacrifice your own health, both physical and mental, to do what you have decided is the right thing to do. Sometimes what we think the right and moral thing to do, turns out to be impossible. I am finding this out myself! If you keep up working and caring for your parents you will not survive it. I know that sounds blunt but I believe it to be the truth.
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Listen to your body and make a decision to get more help or move them somewhere. You need to be healthy. If your health fails there is no one to oversee their care. Admit you cannot keep this schedule and touch everything.
It's ok to allow others to provide their care. God help you!
I had my parents( 84,85) and an elderly aunt(91) to care for. Hired in home care and even then it was hard through dad's many hospitalizations. Never could I have managed without these sitters. Dad passed in June and I am still recovering!
Thankful mom and aunt are still in their own homes.
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Sorry about your brother but you will probably need to sell the house to pay for your fathers care. You could look into a reverse mortgage to provide funds in the short term but that may be problematic if your father does not actually live there and the house will need to be sold at his death anyway to pay for the loan. If both parents move to a facility, they will spend down their assets and will then qualify for Medicaid so be sure they move to a facility that will allow that after a period of private pay. This is difficult and you don’t want to go against their wishes but your life is severely impacted by a problem that is not actually yours.
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DeeAnna Aug 2020
If I understand OP correctly, she used to live with her parents in their house, BUT her dad "was so mean to everyone that I had to buy my own house...mom's been at my house since 2018 and dad since December 2019, " So she does NOT have to sell HER house to pay for her parents' care.

Her brother is living in their father's house with her daughter after he attempted suicide. So that complicates things in case the parents' house needs to be sold to pay for parents' care in a facility.
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Everybody needs to have their basic needs met - even yours. If you can not get enough rest, adequate nutrition, medical care for your own needs, or time to have other relationships... the care of your loved ones requires more people. Consider getting help a little more so you can have "a day from caring" weekly and a weekend "off" occasionally to pursue your own leisure. Family, friends, and paid help can all be utilized. If additional help doesn't alleviate your symptoms, please see your doctor.
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Preach it sister! Except my father won't accept the idea of any outside assistance. I work close to home, but during the day he depends on my 92-year-old mother for assistance and I get phone calls throughout the day. I spend the weekends and weeknights doing nearly everything and I am short-tempered, unable to concentrate on anything, and yell at the drop of a hat. Fun times.
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YES. You are doing more than one person is capable of. I care for both my parents, and I love them very much. But it is incredibly hard—draining, tiring, sometimes you feel unappreciated, and not to mention you have no life. Any folks are 93 & 90, Mom has dementia and I suspect so does my dad. So far i’m able to care for them with some help. J hope I do not have to put them in a home, but you can’t let yourself drop dead either. I feel your pain, believe me J do. God bless us both.
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YOU have taken too much on. Please seek some respite as soon as possible. Trust me your health will start to deteriorate quickly. You will not be of any help to anyone if you are sidelined. I was getting to that point but after suffering a stroke my mom is now in a SNF and will soon be moved into AL. I can no longer take care of her as I work F/T and am a single homeowner. She was with me off/on for almost 20 years and for the last 3 years. She was starting to suffer dementia and having outbursts - constantly on my heels so to speak. There was no pleasing her and I had no life basically. I was getting completely drained. Please looking to State programs - Department of Aging. Or paying for some additional care. Good luck to you!
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I think you know the answer you just need confirmation.  It is time to move them so they can receive care elsewhere and you can become their daughter again.  You can only do so much and you can already see that this has consumed you.  It is hard to let go but who will take care of them when something happens to you.
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Dear "ARRCare,"

You are in way over your head and burning the candle at both ends. It's no wonder you are burned out physically, emotionally and psychologically. Something has to give here (and I don't mean you!).

I can't think of one person who is a caregiver who doesn't feel drained, tired, frustrated and some days feeling sheer exhaustion - so yes, it's normal and actually, it should be expected because caregiving is anything but a straightforward routine. Your sleeping habits are probably askew from the different schedules of your parents plus your job.

I am truly sorry that your brother tried to commit suicide and if it had anything to do with taking care of your dad at your parent's house that should be a warning of how dire things can become if you don't figure out another way to handle your parent's care.

I'm sitting here just typing and my upper back and neck are killing me. I happen to carry all my stress and tension in those areas so I have to do neck stretches to help alleviate the pain. So yes, the body "feels" all the stress and tension we are under causing your body to ache. Your body is trying to tell you something so you should listen to it and take the necessary steps in order to continue to be able to do the things you have to do.

It is also normal to worry about the care (or lack of care) they may get somewhere else. There is no "perfect place" and there is no "perfect situation" in the caregiving arena. You will be in my thoughts and prayers - may you have wisdom to know what changes need to be made for all concerned.
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Yes it is normal.

If you can get a caregiver to spend a night or two with her so you can get away and get rest.

Otherwise you are going to burn out and then it will be a disaster.

Covid or not the only other option is to put her in a home.
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It’s normal, it takes a lot to do, self care and supportive family is a big key to minimizing being drained physically and mentally- do you feel you get some or adequate support? It’s the type of position that support is so key unlike many other careers of course everyone likes a little support in their job but it’s not the same as those who work in many other jobs
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Yes it is normal to be exhausted and time for help now!
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Yes and to even say or dare to call it "normal" is an understatement. I am 33 years old. And my whole, entire mind, body and soul is tired and worn out. And God knows that I wish I could say to you or tell you. That this too shall pass. Or my personal favorite that nothing lasts forever. But no one knows just how or even what your feeling. Until they are or have become you. Being a caregiver is a thankless, demanding and gut wrenching job. Were you are on call 24 hours a day. And it will drive you to the brink of your own mortality. And yes it hurts. It is probably one of the most painful and agonizing things you'll ever have to endure. And when a parent has/have delusions and/or suffer from dementia. That only increases the high level of stress. And when there is little to no help from family. You quickly find yourself in a broken situation. That is very difficult to navigate. My heart goes out to you. And I know you want to do what is right for the both of your parents. Sadly there is no perfect or clear cut answer on how to accomplish that. In the end just be completely honest with yourself. Take first into account your own heart. And worry not for tomorrow. But just only for the day you've been given. That fact doesn't help. But it doesn't hurt neither. You know your strength. You know just how much you can take. And trust regardless of what may come. You can trust that you have done your part. And that when its all said and done is REST.
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Imho, it is IMPERATIVE that you make changes now, else you fall faint and ill. You require respite badly. The worrying that your mother is doing over her retirement is impudent. Time for facility living for them, I am also very sorry about your brother.
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Oh sweetheart, I feel so bad for your situation. Can I suggest you call your state's Adult Services to ask for advice? Does their or your doctor employ a social worker? How about their health insurance provider? How about your parents religious affiliation? Contact local SNF and ask for their advice, most employ a person who's job it is to advise on these issues.

I know from my own experiences there can be a lot of help available is you just ask the right people. The Covid situation makes it harder now but please start making phone calls.

Catholic Family Services provided me with a lot of good advice and direction, you don’t have to be Catholic to get their help either. The more people you talk to the more able you will be make some choice.

And don’t you save for retirement for this very reason? My mother’s only investment was her house which was sold to pay for AL and now SNC. With luck, SS, and a small military pension we hope that will cover her costs for a few years. Then Medicaid if needed.

Never be ashamed to ask for help, no one should be expected to take on this kind of burden alone. Best wishes, let us know how things work out.
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