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Mom is 83, lives alone in own home with assistance from me and a dtr-in-law. She puts on a good act with other people and her doctor so they think she is "of sound mind." We take very good care of her, but in some instances, she will say things to other people that I know they are thinking otherwise. How do we get her to stop doing this. I've called her out on her untruths, and she seems to be contrite, then the next time we are with someone else, will repeat the lie. What to do?

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I don't know, but my guess is that the legal authorities are too busy to run around investigating complaints where no actual harm to the elder has not been abandoned and no actual harm has been shown. That said, it must be really aggravating to be putting out so much effort to take care of someone and have them bad-mouthing you or even trivializing your efforts. I would be very upset, but I wouldn't worry about legal action. My mother is somewhat of a drama queen and I could see her exaggeration minor issues to get attention or sympathy. If your mother has dementia, maybe she's lost the ability to distinguish between fact and fantasy. I'm sure people can tell that she's being well taken care of, regardless of what she says, so I wouldn't worry too much about their reactions or possible legal action.
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Sure do wish we could edit our own posts on here. I hope you all can read through the misplaced language in my post above.
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If someone were to report her allegations to Adult Protective Services, I think they'd certainly make a visit to her home. Yours wouldn't be their first rodeo, though, and your story is far from unique.

It must be said, though, that they certainly COULD deem her unfit to live alone. That, after all, is part of what they do -- safeguard people like your mom.

I would make sure the house was getting regularly cleaned by you or others...that there was always fresh food in the fridge...and that obvious fall hazards were addressed to the best of your ability.

Just.in.case.
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Your mom might have some level of cognitive decline, and if so, so she's beyond being able to watch what she says. My mom will sometimes say slightly inappropriate things just to be making conversation and I cringe inside. But I know she doesn't have the ability to filter what she says.

I will on occasion remind her right before we go somewhere (like the bank) not to say this or that. She can remember it in the moment...but only if I tell her right before we are there.

If your mom looks well cared for, is clean and not losing weight, I doubt others will put too much stock into what she's saying about her care. If you're with her, you can just "Oh mom, you're exaggerating" or whatever is closer to the truth. Good luck - it's hard to take care of these seniors and maintain our sanity sometimes!
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I too have seen that older folks complain of treatment, just to get sympathy. What's equally problematic is their complaints to others when something does happen but failing to tell their primary caregiver.
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Thanks for all the comments. I feel a little better knowing I'm not alone. It does seem that her "filter" is damaged and I know she does a lot of it for attention...the "drama queen syndrome." Thanks for listening...I love this site and the support given.
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I read something on Facebook the other day about some research done on memory. What a person remembers is not the event itself, but they remember their last memory of the event. It makes sense when we think of fish tales and how that fish gets a little bigger each telling. The fisherman would probably be shocked to see a picture of the real fish -- gosh, the thing's a minnow.

It makes sense with dementia, too. I've seen confabulations become the new truths, with these truths changing through time. I've had my name smeared on several occasions by these "truths." It isn't harmless, because I've seen some people act more suspicious of me. I could say something to my mother, but it would just fix the new "truth" more firmly in her head. It is important to her not to be wrong in the eyes of other people, even if it means hurting her daughter.

Something else that is very sad I've learned is you can do things for a person with dementia every day all day long, but then they will say you never do anything for them. I think it is because they don't remember the day before. They see only the present time. However, if something is negative, they are more inclined to remember it. Go figure!
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JessieBelle - what you said is interesting and I think it applies to my situation too. A few days ago my mother complained about me not paying rent at her house and literally did not remember that I did pay rent the entire time I was living there with her. I actually helped her with her bills for at least a year before I moved in with her, because she hadn't sold her old condo yet and was paying on two places. I couldn't believe it because we've had many conversations about this - how could she forget? But apparently, she did!
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The same type thing happens with me, Carla. The bad thing is that I can say yes, I did do something and it only makes her mad. She'll yell at me and tell me that she knows I didn't. To listen to her, you would think that not a word of truth comes from my mouth. There's no point of arguing, so I just let it drop and go hunt down my well-worn helmet. I do hope the authorities never get involved with some of the things she says, because she will not back down. I don't know if this is because her memory is faulty or because it is important for her to be seen as right.

It is an uncomfortable feeling to know you could be thrown under the bus at any time. If it does happen, I just hope the authorities have wisdom to see what is happening.
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JessieBelle and CarlaCB - What you say could have been written by me! Mom always has to be right and you can't convince her otherwise. I just get so sad sometimes because this is not my mother. The mother I knew is fading away (personality changes) and it's a long grieving time to the end when she will leave this world.
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d56ers, you CAN be charged if she says she is abused, don't kid yourself. All it takes is ONE person to believe her and call APS who will make your life totally miserable. Good Grief tell her MD she is making false reports. Ask him to order the VNA once a week to document her delusions. Protect yourself first and foremost. Document every lie she tells.
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I'm not a lawyer, but I did read my state's regulations about leaving a person with dementia alone. I was concerned because my husband's hospice nurse used to threaten me that she might have to turn me in to the police if I left him alone. The state's criteria said the caregiver need only do whatever a prudent person would do under the circumstances and that the caregiver would be considered negligent only if he or she had "intent to harm" the patient.
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JessieBell and Carla sure wrote some truth and explained it well. Same with my father. He swears he lived alone, no one helped him, how he was neglected. How my husband (his son in law) verbally abused him and how ill-treated he was from everyone (even tho my husband was not allowed to be in the house because it would have taken attention from my dad). He is now in a care center, thank goodness. yet he continues to tell everyone how wrong and mistreated and alone he was. I took a leave of absence from my job, moved in, lived there 24/7 for months, waited on him hand and foot, took all of his abuse, hired almost-daily home health care people to assist. Yet, like the rest of you write, he only dwells on the negative.
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This is for CarlaCB
I couldn't help but notice that you said you wished we could edit our own posts here. Well, you can by looking it over before you submit it. That way, it would be the way you would like it. P.S.: I did like your response, especially about the drama queen issue. My mom used to say things also that I knew were not just right (sometimes not true), but I knew that her dementia was causing her to be someone she wasn't. It is a horrible disease that robs people of their dignity (maybe it's a good thing they don't remember anything most of the time)! Take care of yourself and good luck with everything.
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My mother likes to bash me in public or when family or friends are around too--saying things like "my daughter never calls or visits me." Close friends and relatives know this isn't true, I call on a daily basis and visit often. But strangers surely must think the worst of me. I'm growing a thicker skin though and not caring what strangers think anymore. However, accusing me of not calling or visiting is not the same as your mother accusing you of neglect. That must be an arrow through your heart! I've no advice just wanted to commiserate. It is hard.
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I had a MIL that had a problem with the truth. It was a mental sickness that I dealt with by staying away or having my husband with me. If I visited without him, she would tell him I said such and such. She would take what I said and turn it all around where I looked bad. Everyone thought she was a sweetie. My BIL said the problem was, she believed what she said.

Maybe she needed a neurology check up. The neurologist will be able to see if there is some dementia. Then u can explain that to people.
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That was suppose to say it Mom not she.
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A complaint😄, the block for writing in needs to be bigger so u can see more of what u have written. Hard scrolling back all the time and I swear my words are changed and u don't see it until posted. Can't be my typing.😄
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My mother is in an AL with cognitive problems from strokes. She got a black eye by looking under a table in her bedroom for her door keys and coming up too fast. Since I was in the living room I felt awful. I put ice on it but got very nasty looks from staff as well as a call from the administrator the next day. Stranger yet as the weeks went on and her back eye grew to where it started to look like she was in a barrooom brawl, other residents began going to the nurse saying they had seen my mother take a terrible fall in the mail room. Another version spread that a nurse no one likes had slugged her. Curiously as she is 93, she get identical bruises on her arm and legs and no one seems to notice buit me - as i'm the one who applies arnica and acream from her dermatologist, But certainly glad i took her to the nurse when it happened and her memory was good.
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my dad likes to play emotional games w/me...and i'm toooo tired to respond most of the time...and honestly,"i don't care anymore what he thinks!!" if anyone looked at me funny...i would tell them to take my parent home and care for him...see how they like it. i take care of the house inside and out, bills, medical, my mother w/severe dementia and everything else, have a brother in the house, does very little, but it helps.
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I don't know if it would really help, but I keep a simple journal about my MIL. I jot down a little something about each day with her. And if there were mix-ups or lies, I note those as well. Sometimes they come out after the fact i.e. she was in the ER 3x last summer. Months later in talking about those visits she said that Dr. Harris (her neurologist) was there to see her each time. I corrected her: I was there with you, he was never there. Also, it was after midnight, on a weeknight, each time, he works days. I can assure you he was not there.

But there was absolutely no convincing her. She argued and accused me of lying. I did make a note of the conversation in the journal, and the fact that she BELIEVED it was true. I summarized the argument and her false accusations of me. It just documents her failing mind. This way if something comes up with a police call I can point to my journal and say, she has a problem with the truth. I don't know if she is lying, or remembering wrong, but she has a problem with the truth on many occasions, here are some examples, and this is the truth about what she is saying to you today. Hopefully that will help the officer understand that he needs to take what she says with a shaker of salt!

For me, those around her don't seem to "get it" that she is lying and her mental state is slipping, until she lies about them. Says the neighbor has been taking her newspaper (when she is bringing it in herself, but forgetting she already did), or the granddaughter left all those dirty dishes in the sink (when granddaughter left for college weeks before). Once I let the person know what is being said ABOUT THEM, they suddenly begin to see that maybe everything she says about ME isn't completely reliable and they should hear my side of the story before they determine what is going on.

Good luck, it sure is a tough spot to be in.
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The APS can charge you or even try to charge you even if it is an untruth. They can try to put you in a behavior Unit if your mother said she is not being abused. They can practically garnish everything you own in your house and get control of your money. The can put you in jail. The can even go to court and gain the right to be your mom's POA. Another words How do I say this the APS can ruin your reputation even if you are not doing anything wrong. Ask the doctor to put her in the hospital for a couple weeks and have a psy document her delusions during that time distance yourself until they get her into a facility.
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own456 --
Would you please explain APS? I assume it's an abbreviation I'm not familiar with. Thanks.
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Arianne777 it stands for Adult Protective Services - the agency that watches out for elder abuse. Here's more about what they do: napsa-now/get-help/how-aps-helps/
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My post got away from me and I hit SENT too soon. My father called the police on my husband once. We were both home, encouraging him to get dressed so he could go to 'Daddy Day Care'. Every time I had to explain to my father where he was going, why, how much fun he has there, how he loves to go...every single time. They had prayers and singing (his favorite), a home cooked lunch, bingo, games, this place really was NICE. He only stayed there from maybe 10 am until 2 pm. And NOT every day. Yet each time it was a new experience for him. And it was HIS WAY or NO WAY his entire life, so nobody was going to tell him where he needed to go or when. One morning he decides he is NOT going, a day when I had a doctor appointment and he absolutely needed to go. My husband was trying to coax him into getting ready, so my father called 911 screaming that we were trying to kick him out of his home and the police showed up....this part is funny...and not....policeman comes inside, asks my father 'what is the problem?' and my father automatically defers to his son in law, 'well, tell the policeman why I called him!'. My husband stayed calmly seated and replied 'you called, you tell him'. Silence. he didn't know why. Anyway, after showing POAs and doctor's diagnosis on the FL2 form (he had been in a nursing home before we brought him home to try home care again), the policeman left, but the morning was shot to heck and nobody went anywhere that day. When he broke his first hip (living alone, 110 miles from our home), I left work and moved there for 2 months for his surgery and rehab. He told the doctors, ER, Rehab, everyone, that I pushed him, he thought it was funny. He has refused to be responsible for any bad thing that he ever caused so it was automatic for him to cast blame elsewhere, to say that someone pushed him, not that he was careless and injured himself. it was not funny when I had to prove I was innocent. So you could possibly be under the microscope at any time for any reason.
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I worked on a Geri-Psych unit for 9 yrs and have been the primary caretaker for my elderly parents for the past 5 years. Mom's behavior is probably part of her baseline personality- (she may be prone to some exaggeration or embellishment under the best of circumstances); if you can document significant statements: "on a particular date, mom stated....and I clarified...." and if anything serious occurs, you'll have something to present that indicates an on going pattern.
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To answer Arianne777 question APS is Adult Protective Services and they work with the Department of aging in each state and they are located in each visiting nurses drop in office. They are supposedly Licensed Social Workers and they investigate and report to the Department of aging and the local police department and the district atty.
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I wouldn't worry, as long as her doctor says she is capable, it's just stories. Not nice, but not harmful. I'd continue to let her know when you discover an untruth. If adult protective services are notified they will visit her and see she is being taken care of. It's good to keep a journal of all the things you do for her, along with the dates, you can refer back to it if you ever have the need to.
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Wish I could answer your question but I have the same situation with my 89 year old mom! It concerns me knowing she tells lies to caregivers and hospice workers but I've learned over the past three years to quit worrying! She has dementia and I've been told the lies go with it! She's always been a truthful Christian person and I was totally shocked when it started! Remember you aren't alone!
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It is amazing that dementia can be hidden for short periods, but then pours out at the most inappropriate times. This is just the beginning. She will accuse you of things like: stealing her favorite black bra, her keys, HVAC thermostat, etc. My mom wanted to call the postal inspector when her mail didn't come. She thought I had it! (It was a holiday.) You are not alone. Tip: Always make her doctor (or caseworker) appointments in the late afternoon. The more tired she becomes, the more obvious it is she has dementia. In the beginning, it was hard for me to convince my mom's doctor something was wrong until we got his last appt of the day (4 pm). She was a mess and he understood.
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