Hello everyone. So this might be kind of long. Four years ago, my mother-in-law asked my husband and I to move into their home with her and my father-in-law. We had discussions about sharing and dividing space, chores, and the fact that my husband and I would eventually get the home. My husband, our son, and I rented out our house (which is right next door), and moved in with them to help them stay in the home. They adamantly did not want to live in a nursing home or assisted living. In the fall of 2020, my mother was diagnosed with cancer and her doctor told me that Mom would no longer be able to care for my father (who had dementia) and that he would need to go into a nursing home. I found a good home for Dad even in the midst of the pandemic and Dad started living in the home in January 2021. March 2021 I was diagnosed with breast cancer (caught blessedly early) and opted for a bilateral mastectomy. Dad passed away in May 2021, followed by my father-in-law in September 2021 and Mom in April 2022. Did I mention that I also work full-time outside the home, and was the primary caregiver for my mother in her final days as well as being the executrix of her estate? Also, in the final three days of my father-in-laws life, I was his primary caregiver, even so far as sleeping in my in-laws bedroom with them both and holding his hand so I could feel any agitation. None of his children came in those last few days, not even my husband, who was out of town for work. My mother-in-law is healthy except for some mobility issues. She is 90 and still drives well. She is used to being in charge and quite frankly, I am miserable. She still cooks big evening meals even though both my husband and I have asked her not to. She treats us like she is offended if we want to be outside in the summer instead of eating a heavy meal (which I have to clean up after). To date, my husband, son, and I have two bedrooms and two bathrooms. This is a four bedroom, four bath home. She did not clean out any closets or cupboards. I even had to clean out the closets in our bedrooms. I am extremely unhappy with our living situation and want to insist she follow the agreement. I think I might need a spine because she is formidable. My husband tells me to just take what I want. If I want space, just start cleaning out space and telling her she has to get rid of things. And, yes, all of our belongings with the exception of our bedroom furniture, clothing, electronics, and some books, are in storage.
Thoughts???
Time to 'grow a spine' as you call it, and put your foot down in terms of what YOU want now!
Wishing you the best of luck taking your life back, you deserve to. It always irks me to no end hearing about how a strong woman like you has laid down her life for so many others while suffering yourself. When is it YOUR TURN?? How about now!?
I would hate for you guys to be burned after all you’ve been through.
She obviously can manage without you living right on top of her.
Seems like there is a simple solution to this problem.
Oh and BTW, are any of the promises of inheriting the house in writing? Because unless they are you just may end up with bupkis.
And it has not occurred to anyone that it is perfectly okay.
I feel you have such a big heart. Had to give so much to so many for so long & now lost too many people 😥.
Taking the the time to stop, look around, to breathe is good.
Is it time to put your own oxygen on first now?
What would you really like to do?
I can't quite get over how YOU were the one to take care of and hold fil's hand as he passed, when NONE of his own children cared enough to be there? And you'd just had cancer surgery six months prior?
Would you and your H and son be living with mil if she hadn't promised the house to you? And, like others have said, do you know for sure the house is going to go to your family? I bet not. Vague promises that turn into nothing at the end.
I've had it tossed casually at me.. I assumed it meant *do this thing I want & I'll reward you... one day*. Such BS - it will go to blood offspring (or be sold for a NH bed).
Rather have my freedom - like ex-royals Megan & Harry.
The "promise" for her to never go into a facility is null and void since neither she nor her caregiver could ever imagine the toll it would eventually extract (inheriting the house or not) at the time of this promise.
Unless you see a copy of the Will and the house goes to your husband AND you (since you did all the actual work) then I'd be very skeptical. Also, the siblings won't be happy about it. I've had the exact same thing happen to my cousin who cared non-stop for her 2 ailing parents, giving up so much, living with them 24/7 and then having her siblings sue her for the house afterwards. If I were you I'd insist she sign the title over now (or whatever legal transaction is appropriate for ownership) even is the care is going to end. A promise is a promise. And I bet she won't do it.
If your husband is not his mother's PoA then I'd also be very skeptical of how anyone is going to be able to legally manage her affairs if she develops dementia (and it sounds like she's well on her way since "stubbornness" is a hallmark early symptom. Or, she could be very deaf and no one realizes it. Or both.) So, her assigning PoA to you and your husband should be required for any care to continue.
You can decide that you're done and go to bed with a clear conscience. Have the renters move out and go back to your own home and don't attempt to manage 2 households. Tell your husband you no longer want to do it — don't say you *can't* do it because they'll desperately try to figure out ways to get you back into the mix. They can't solve it if you *won't* do it. That's a boundary.
I think you need counseling for boundaries and also for your marriage. You are a doormat (which is what a modern-day martyr actually is). You're not responsible for your MIL's happiness. Give your husband a chance to step up by moving out of the mix. NO ONE can legitimately criticize you for bowing out. You must act in your own best interests now because it's apparernt no one else is going to defend you, so you must do it yourself. I wish you clarity and wisdom and peace in your heart as you find and erect strong boundaries!
Time to tell the renters that you will not be renewing the lease. Time to tell DH that his Mom is capable of caring for herself. Actually, maybe she should start downsizing and sell the house and buy a smaller one. If yours is smaller, maybe trade.
Also, time to tell DH that your Caregiving days are over. That if his Mom ever needs care, that will be his and his siblings responsibility.