I live in another state and my dad lives in California. My adopted sister wants to have my dad placed in a nursing home although he drives takes care of his home at the age of 80 and he’s has early dementia. The problem is she doesn’t want me staying in the house to basically care for him. I have flown twice in one month to be with him and he’s coherent drives himself to the doctor’s appointment when ever he has one. She tells me he needs a professional with him therefore she’s trying to force him and he’s adamant about not going. He says he can do for himself and the home is very clean. I think she really don’t won’t me there with him as I told her I’m going to stay with him. But she says she’s not letting anyone stay in the home but it’s not her house but it his. Can you give me some advise.
But this is not about the relationship between the two of you it is about your Dad. Could she physically and emotionally care for Dad? Does Dad have enough funds to hire caregivers/drivers when he needs them? Is she trying to position herself to get the major inheritance when Dad passes? Is she afraid you are trying to move into Dad's house so you will get the major inheritance?
You are entitled to have different views but if you both love your Dad, you both need to settle down and come to a meeting ground. Time for exhalation and introspection; where did the relationship with your sister go off the tracks" Has it ever been "on track"?
Does Dad have his VIDs (very important documents, Will, DPoA and Advanced Medical Directive) in place? If the two of you keep up the squabble, Dad will make someone less emotionally involved (a friend, his attorney) the holder of all those documents and you can sit and glare at each other. And remember, Dad's money is to take care of him; if your last name is not Rockerfeller, DuPont, or Astor.... you can take the word "inheritance" out of your vocabulary because there may be nothing left to inherit once Dad's needs have been met.
I hope all three of you can some to some peaceful ground so that you and your sibling can at least be civil to each other. That would probably make Dad than six professional drivers and the best facility in the world.
Wishing you all peace and tranquility.
In Massachusetts the person given POA does not have any right to make decisions unless the patient is found to be incompetent by a neurologist / or another MD specialist. This may require some neuropsychic testing. As you may know there are many types of dementia and many levels of disabilities and rates of decline. Perhaps your father wants to age in place as long as possible. There are driving tests designed for seniors. Many towns offer medical ride and rides for shopping as well as food delivery.
I also would like to complement you and anyone who is willing to give their time and energy to become a full-time caretaker for another. This means self-sacrifice and compassionate care. I feel this can be done for short term or long-term depending on the circumstances.
I have found it is always possible to make arrangements for a nursing home if the patient has been hospitalization. Please know that many states have financial help and services for aging in place through Private ins, Medicare and Medicaid and Social Services.
I would start with the following: Visit with an elder law attorney so that you understand the legal and financial side.
Request a copy of his medical records (and read it). Request copy of his POA. (if any exists) Get papers in order including a Will. Arrange medical visits with neuropsychologist and other subject experts (such as cardiologist etc.) for exams/testing. Get medical recommendations from all medical experts for the type of care that is needed now and what may be needed in the future ..including medications and rehab possibilities and look into respite for caregivers. As some have suggested you may want to look into assisted living and if I may also suggest congregate living for seniors. I wish you the very best of luck. I hope you can keep the line of communication open and friendly with your sister.
Maybe gone. Moved into Dad's, become his caregiver, found it too much (dementia way worse that thought) moved him into care, flew home.
It makes no difference whatsoever if it was a stepsister, father's friend, girlfriend or wife that was doing what she's complaining of.
This must be in place first.
Why is the sister making these ... arrangements or trying to?
Does she have any legal authority.
If not her house, how is it that she is making these decisions?
Does your dad have a social worker?
Sounds like you need to get an attorney and figure out what your legal remedies are for yourself and your dad.
It also sounds like the sister (adopted or not; what does that have to do with this?) needs to step aside and someone else, with your dad's best interests in mind, take control of the situation - with his consent, if he legally is deemed competent to do so.
The sister - from what you write - says he needs 'a professional with him ..."
- This is very - what 'wishy-washy' language.
- Is there an estate / money involved (that the sister will inherent?). This is important. She may just be tired, not want to take on too much / any responsibility for his care - and so dump him at a nursing home.
(No. No. Not okay). Something smells like a rat here.
There are several steps before moving into a nursing home. Find out why she says this - how does she back up her position ? care for your dad?
He may certainly need support and some caregivers in to assist him, as needed.
He may be resistant to the care he needs although you need to find out what is going on.
As you live in another state, you will need to discuss arrangements with your dad. Does the sister live with him? If so, she needs to get out of there.
If I were you, I would get an attorney in his state and go see him immediately, with an appointment with your dad.
Is your dad officially medically considered incompetent?
If not, you need to get clear on what she is talking about / degree of dementia or 'forgetting.'
Get an attorney and go see him (your dad) - and the attorney immediately.
Do you have a key to the house?
Will she lock you out?
She is bad news. If I were you, I would get his locks changed and tell her she isn't allowed to enter the house ... without permission from ... who, you? The attorney?
Gena / Touch Matters
Secondly, no one can force your father into a nursing home unless he's declared mentally incompetent.
Thirdly, your sister can not legally keep you out of your father's house. But by referring to her as "adopted" I can clearly see why your sister don't (sic) ever want you there.
Finally, if your father is a risk for falling, forgetting vital medication, putting things on the stove that shouldn't be there, etc. then by all means the best place for him, your sister and yourself is an assisted living facility.
Your father can get additional in home care when needed. It sounds like he is doing all right now. But, he NEVER has to go into a nursing home! There are programs available in every state if he needs help paying for care. We have one here called IRIS. It would allow your father to choose whoever he wants for care... including family.
Don't let her push you or your father around!!!
Who is POA for him?
If it is your sister and she obtains medical documentation that he is not cognizant then she can place him in a Memory Care facility
If you are his POA then it is you who will determine when he should go to Memory Care, Or you can have caregivers stay with dad so he can remain at home.
BUT if no one has POA and your sister does not think he is safe, and if she can get documentation from his doctor that he should not be living alone at home she can petition to become his Guardian if that is granted she can place him. You would get notification of any court hearing that would determine this and you would have the chance to petition to be his Guardian.
The fact that your sister is adopted has no bearing one way or the other. Legally she is his daughter as much as you are his daughter.
You might want to consult with an Elder Care Attorney.
If your Sister holds POA then Dad put her in control to a point. That does not mean she can ban you from the house. If you want to move in and Dad is still competent to know what that means and says OK, she really has no say. POA is a tool. It gives her certain responsibilities. She would have the ability to place him. IMO, if Dad can afford it, an AL would be my choice if he is in early decline. Anyone, even early on, who had Dementia should not be alone. Its very unpredictable. My nephew came home to find that Mom had left a pot on the stove and burnt it up. Your Dad could decline overnight. My Uncle drove to another State he gambled in frequently. Got lost, forgot how to get home.
Your sister sees your Dad every day. I go with having Office of Aging evaluate Dad. If their findings show there is cognitive decline, then a Neurologist is next. He may only need an aide. But, he is not ready for Long-term care and probably will not be excepted if Medicaid is needed.
If Sis has no POA, may be the time to get it while Dad seems to know what is going on. With no POA it will be hard to place Dad. With no POA, she has no control over you or Dad. But I think its time for a sit down because Dad will not get better. Yo
The pain I felt over her loss (she had blue eyes and blond curly hair), absolutely EQUALS the loss I felt for each of the miscarriages.
A loving caring well thought out adoption, as well as that subsequent loss, is the same as losing an unborn child. Age doesn’t matter. Love does.
Are you planning to pull up stakes and move in with him? Not a good idea if you have a spouse/kids. It seems like your sister lives near her dad and is seeing the handwriting on the wall that the brunt of caregiving is going to be on her and she doesn’t want to do it.
And he must not be driving anymore. Someone needs to take the car keys or disable his car.
Also referring to your sister as adoptive suggests there is animosity at play. I’d suggest putting these feelings aside and work with your sister to figure out what is best for your father.
It's not up to your sister to decide if you can be at your father's house and become his caregiver. How is it that your father and the rest of the family are allowing her to make that decision?
Does she have his POA? If she does then it would be a good idea for you to rake him to a lawyer while he is still lucid and have that changed over to you. That would be in everyone's best interests if you're planning on moving in with your father and taking care of him at some point.
Dad saying that he “ can do for himself “ (to still live alone in his home ) means SQUAT. Just about all say that . People with dementia as it progresses are not aware of the issues they have. They think they are fine but they are not. Also they can sound coherent in conversation but have difficulty with executive functions . You need to learn about dementia .
What do you mean you are going to stay with Dad to “ basically take care of him “? What does he need help with ?
What reason has your sister given you for not staying at the house ? Were you planning to move in with Dad? Or is this just a visit ? Does anyone have POA ?
Moving in with Dad is a bad idea . He will need more help than you know. Do you work ? It will become impossible to work ( especially outside of the home ) as dementia progresses .
More information would be helpful , to give advice.
Does your sister live near Dad and see him often ? It seems like she is more aware and understands what Dads needs are for her to suggest he needs professional care and that you are listening to what Dad wants .
What the elderly want and what they need are often different . Furthermore you saying that you are going there to “ basically take care of him “ means he needs help and should not be driving . If he needs help he’s not as independent as Dad is telling you that he is .
if dad needs you then what sis is saying holds more water.
Is this about Dad? Or about your Sister?
If it is about Dad - discuss why Sister thinks supervised care is needed. Ask, find out, listen. Think about what she says. Do your own research on dementia too.
Think about why you think he should stay home. Tell her your reasons. Discuss them. Hopefully you will gain some insight to each other's point of view.
Obviously the issue is much bigger than where you stay when you come to town.
Problem is when it stops working.
Some of the results I have personal experience with, all whom dx with MCI (mild cognitive impairment: early stage of brain changes, earlier than a dementia diagnosis).
- scraps, scratches, dints to car & street poles, other cars. $
- driving into closed garage door $$
- driving into garage, not braking & hitting end wall at speed (survived but fractured neck)
- single car collision on freeway (died)
Please think about the driving issue seriously.
Thank you for saying this. I was taken aback by this too. We adopted our oldest daughter. Then we had a biological daughter.
Never in her life has our biological daughter ever said, ‘adopted sister’ to other people or to us. She says ‘sister.’ Nor have we ever said ‘adopted’ daughter. We say ‘daughter.’ Our oldest daughter never says, ‘adoptive’ parents or ‘adoptive’ sister. My oldest daughter says, ‘Mom, Dad or Sister.’
You are exactly right! They are both equally our daughters. They are equally sisters. They love each other. We love each of them identically.
When families only have biological children they certainly don’t introduce them by saying, ‘Hello, these are our biological children.’ Nor do adoptive parents say, ‘Hello, these are our adopted kids.’ Doesn’t make any sense to me. Unless it is a specific reason like a doctor appointment and we were talking about a disease in our family history.
You are what is called a seagull. Come in, sh*t on everything and then leave.
Your father’s brain is broken. You cannot care for him by yourself. He is unable to make decisions because of his broken brain.
I suggest you read up on dementia as you seem to have no clue about it.
He even found his voice when the LPN kept him by her medicine cart; she offered him water, he wanted more in a bigger cup, NOW. 🙂
You need to reconsider and learn more about the option your sister is providing.
Does your sister live in the same state as your dad? Or the same home? Does she see him more often than you? If so, perhaps she knows his habits better than you do and feels that your dad shouldn’t be living alone.
How often do you see your dad? Do you want to move in and care for him full time? How will you support yourself? Do you plan on working?
You can suggest to your sister that you would like to contact Council on Aging in dad’s area to do an assessment of his condition. They can help you and your sister plan for his future.
Best wishes to you and your family. I hope that you and your sister will be able to work together to do what is best for your dad.
me too