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My father is 80 years old and he make me do things for him by threatening that if I don't he will call 911 and report elder abuse. Is there any legal protection for caregiver from abuse by elder?
When my sons were teenagers and couldn't do whatever they wanted, they'd threaten to call the ACS and say I was abusing them. The first time I screamed "You're gonna have to make it to the phone!" and grounded them. That didn't work because when you ground your kids you're grounding yourself too. A week later, because I wouldn't let their girlfriends come over to "hang out" while I was running errands, they told me the police was on its way and that I was going to jail. I laughed and said "They're not going to come for me, they're going to come for you and put you in a foster home." The third time, without saying a word, I told them to come with me and took them to a strange building on 161st St. in The Bronx. It was Family Court. When they asked "Papi, what are we doing here?" I told them I was going to fill out some forms so I could turn them both over to the State. They realized I was serious about it, and got scared -- tears and everything. I had no problems after that.
My point? Refuse to be abused, even if it's your father. You're not his maid. (1) Whenever he threatens to call 911, don't say a word and hand him the phone. (2) Get a list of AL and NHs far from your home and ask him which one he'd like to go to -- permanently. Stand firm, don't negotiate your sanity, and enforce your boundaries consistently.
There needs to be an understanding between you, but above all there has to be respect.
I would be tempted to tell him go ahead. Then tell him they will just put him in a nursing home, and maybe he would be happier there. I'll bet that stops his threats.
What type of things is he making you do? Perhaps 'anger' is his way of dealing with not being able to do things for himself.
So many times 'threats' are hollow, but sometimes they are not. Be careful and if Dad lives with you, install a camera that will record his interactions with you.
This may sound like an invasion of "Dad's privacy" but I assure you that the authorities tend to believe a 'sweet old man' (or lady) before most caregivers. I had to document my mother's 'meal's since she would tell anyone that would listen, that she didn't have a THING to eat all day!! LOL When she was with me, she ate more than I did!! But who would you believe, a 92 pound grandmother, or a daughter almost twice her size??? LOL
All kidding aside, this is a serious matter, so try to get to the root of the problem, and see if there is a medical/emotional reason for Dad's threats.
Let him call 911 and if they call you, say "He did WHAT?! I was just there and he was fine...." Chances are he won't call 911 and if he does - so what! The "authorities" take these allegations seriously and - provided they believed him - they'd investigate his claims and find them false. Then the "authorities" would begin to wonder if he was still well enough to live at home. Tell him that...
Don't let your father manipulate you this early on in your care giving role. If he does it now, it will only get worse and you'll REALLY suffer! If he needs help be realistic about it - is it help or company he really wants? If it's company and the help is the sort of thing he could find in assisted living, perhaps that's the best place for him. If this manipulative man were MY dad, I'd never even consider him living with me or any other sibling. Your mental health and family well being is more important! It's very sad, however, it's all his own making.
Keep a diary. Document EVERYTHING!!!!! I know it's a pain but you have to cover your backside. The other alternative is walking away permanently. This may take some legal action on your part (notification letter, arrangements, etc.) Don't live with threats!!!!!!!
Consult an attorney and find out the consequences - legal, financial, etc. of any course of action before implementing it. You may not like losing all control over what happens to your father should the authorities step in. He may not be able to afford to pay for the financial consequences and tyring to do so might place another burden on your family. Educate yourself first. My father in law admitted himself to a SNF because he was not feeling well and was lonely and we had to agree to provide 24/7 care in order to get him back out. We wish we had known that was a possibility beforehand. But once you know all of the possibilities - do what you can to prepare and protect yourself. Then hold firm on not being abused as others have suggested.
Thank you everyone for sharing your thoughts and advice. Based upon your advice I met my lawyer and the information I got from him is summarized below. 1) My lawyer suggested that I should let my father call 911 so that he gets the taste of it and might stop using that threat in future. 2) When the officer shows up he or she will examine the situation and might not even file a report, the officer will probably just give some lecture. 3) If the situation warrants filing a report he may do so but only 5% of such reports are serious enough for district attorney to press any charges. 4) Charges of abuse are generally pressed in the case of financial or physical abuse. 5) If the charges are serious enough a restraining order will be placed and he will be taken away to a nursing home or elder facility which also means he loose the privilege of living in comfort of home.
So the bottom line is that if we believe we are not causing any abuse we should not worry about the threat. My father does not have dementia or any other impairment, he is in perfect health.
Thanks for the info. sakhter. Far too many of us have been threatened by our parents in this manner. None of us should be manipulated like this for doing the RIGHT THING by our parents. I would still say to keep a log / diary though. We must protect ourselves even when we know our care is beyond reproach. We never know what they will do in those failing minds.
I have read a lot of answers here, good ones too. But its harder than that, my mom is like that. She is abusive to me, and has been for a long time....all my life. but I on the other hand put up with it now, she only has so long and I want to spend as much time with her as I can. but thats a sorry trade off......
When my Mom was living with me she was able to walk marathons so to speak as well as climb out windows. The local police were very understanding because they were aware of her condition. It got to the point I would call and say my Mom got out again. She would tell me I'm going to have you arrested when I was simply trying to get her to get in my car or in the house. One day a young officer unaware of the previous scenerios believed my Mom... she said I was hitting her, I was acting angry and upset natrually because I was losing it but I would never do the things she was saying. Luckily I asked him to ask the other officer what was the real deal and he assured him it wasn't me it was Mom's condition. So you may want to get it recorded at the local police office of his behavior prior to any crisis situation.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
When my sons were teenagers and couldn't do whatever they wanted, they'd threaten to call the ACS and say I was abusing them. The first time I screamed "You're gonna have to make it to the phone!" and grounded them. That didn't work because when you ground your kids you're grounding yourself too. A week later, because I wouldn't let their girlfriends come over to "hang out" while I was running errands, they told me the police was on its way and that I was going to jail. I laughed and said "They're not going to come for me, they're going to come for you and put you in a foster home." The third time, without saying a word, I told them to come with me and took them to a strange building on 161st St. in The Bronx. It was Family Court. When they asked "Papi, what are we doing here?" I told them I was going to fill out some forms so I could turn them both over to the State. They realized I was serious about it, and got scared -- tears and everything. I had no problems after that.
My point? Refuse to be abused, even if it's your father. You're not his maid. (1) Whenever he threatens to call 911, don't say a word and hand him the phone. (2) Get a list of AL and NHs far from your home and ask him which one he'd like to go to -- permanently. Stand firm, don't negotiate your sanity, and enforce your boundaries consistently.
There needs to be an understanding between you, but above all there has to be respect.
Let us know what happens.
-- ED
So many times 'threats' are hollow, but sometimes they are not. Be careful and if Dad lives with you, install a camera that will record his interactions with you.
This may sound like an invasion of "Dad's privacy" but I assure you that the authorities tend to believe a 'sweet old man' (or lady) before most caregivers. I had to document my mother's 'meal's since she would tell anyone that would listen, that she didn't have a THING to eat all day!! LOL When she was with me, she ate more than I did!! But who would you believe, a 92 pound grandmother, or a daughter almost twice her size??? LOL
All kidding aside, this is a serious matter, so try to get to the root of the problem, and see if there is a medical/emotional reason for Dad's threats.
Don't let your father manipulate you this early on in your care giving role. If he does it now, it will only get worse and you'll REALLY suffer! If he needs help be realistic about it - is it help or company he really wants? If it's company and the help is the sort of thing he could find in assisted living, perhaps that's the best place for him. If this manipulative man were MY dad, I'd never even consider him living with me or any other sibling. Your mental health and family well being is more important! It's very sad, however, it's all his own making.
Document EVERYTHING!!!!!
I know it's a pain but you have to cover your backside.
The other alternative is walking away permanently. This may take some legal action on your part (notification letter, arrangements, etc.)
Don't live with threats!!!!!!!
1) My lawyer suggested that I should let my father call 911 so that he gets the taste of it and might stop using that threat in future.
2) When the officer shows up he or she will examine the situation and might not even file a report, the officer will probably just give some lecture.
3) If the situation warrants filing a report he may do so but only 5% of such reports are serious enough for district attorney to press any charges.
4) Charges of abuse are generally pressed in the case of financial or physical abuse.
5) If the charges are serious enough a restraining order will be placed and he will be taken away to a nursing home or elder facility which also means he loose the privilege of living in comfort of home.
So the bottom line is that if we believe we are not causing any abuse we should not worry about the threat. My father does not have dementia or any other impairment, he is in perfect health.
Far too many of us have been threatened by our parents in this manner.
None of us should be manipulated like this for doing the RIGHT THING by our parents.
I would still say to keep a log / diary though. We must protect ourselves even when we know our care is beyond reproach. We never know what they will do in those failing minds.
but thats a sorry trade off......
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