My sister is the live in caregiver for my 85-year-old mom and refuses to communicate with me. Can my sister keep me from my mom?

my mom in the nursing home and im not her power attorney and they call me all the time the nursing home does I have one sisiter and brother my sisiter goes maybe once

Yeah uh huh. Well, call me jaded, but It would be nice to hear the other side of this.
I'm taking care of my 84 year old parents. Mom has dementia and had cancer last year. Dad is still getting around okay but needs a lot of help around the house. My wife and I moved in with our 3 children a few years back. My parents wanted to stay in the large home they loved and I wanted to go back to school to be a nurse. We agreed that we would live there and help them with their daily living stuff while I went to school. I do most of the care and I have a female CNA coming by 3x a week to shower mom and help her with her female stuff. 
My wife is a pharmacy tech. I'm a CNA and starting an RN program this fall.
I have 3 siblings who all live 5-800 miles away. The one brother is a belligerent, unmanageable alcoholic who acts out and steals stuff when he comes to visit. Then there's 2 sisters. One is a diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic on SSI who believes Mom and Dad are holding out some huge fortune and that secret agent guys are following her around in black trucks. The other sister is pretty well off. She's a nurse and makes a really nice living. However, she's also a sociopath drama queen who will outright lie through her teeth to make whoever she doesn't like at the moment look bad and herself look good. She's also good for doing cool stuff like getting in your face and blocking doorways with her body so you can't leave the room and blocking driveways with her car so you can't leave. In my teens and early 20's, we had some ugly family blow outs with each other , but around 2010 or so, I thought we buried the hatchet and got past all that crap. Guess not.
A little less than 2 years ago, her and her adult daughter came here for a visit and while my wife and I were at work, tried to pull some sort of intervention with mom and dad to "save" them from us. They said we were destroying their house and they should just get rid of their house and find a smaller place that we won't try and "squat" in. She never really articulated a clear plan on what to do with them after getting rid of us since they do require in home care, but hey, if she got us out of here, that would be a win for her and that's all that counts. When I found out about this I was shocked, then sad, then really pi*ssed off, then just flat out done with her 2 faced, vindictive, backstabbing self. I sat down with my parents and stated that I wanted to continue to stay there and take care of them(they're taking care of me to btw. This is a very nice, large house for my family to live in), but it is unreasonable to expect that my family w/young children should have to be subjected to having people come in from out of town just about every holiday season bringing drama and crapping on us for being here. We reached an agreement where as long as Dad could safely drive and mom was ambulatory, the sister could just grab a vacation rental and they could go visit with her there. If one of them were to become immobile, then other arrangements could be made when necessary, but for now, she can just keep her drama out of this house. We also went to a lawyer and had a Will, POA, Med-POA and caretaker agreement drawn up. 
 
If my sister really wanted to move closer to take care of mom and dad she could easily get a $60-85K a year job at the local hospital or even a $96K a year job at the prison. She's been single for decades and her daughter is over 30 years old. She's obviously not willing to do that. She is however, more than willing to come up here multiple times a year and talk crap. She has already lied to family and friends about me engaging in abuse/neglect. Oddly enough, she has never bothered to call DHS and have a social worker come out to do a welfare check or home assessment(I've suggested that they do so and we've already had multiple assessments done by the home health nurses who were treating my mom. Everything here checks out fine ). 
My father has financial problems, I've gotten him to go see an accountant to handle his money stuff. I also wanted to have some outside party providing some oversight to cover my butt in case one of my siblings accuses me of financial exploitation. 

Last year around christmas, my sister barged into the house, against my father's directions to "just pick up some wine she had shipped here". Before doing so she told her daughter "he's not keeping me out of there".
I told her to immediately leave, she then immediately lied and said "dad gave me permission to be here and you're not the boss of anything". I said "Leave now. I am calling the police". She kept on going off about how much of an A-hole I was until I picked up the phone and dialed 911, then she finally left. A police report was made and she hasn't come in here since. Neither one of us can afford to get in any legal trouble. To do so could very easily either ruin her current or my upcoming nursing career. 


I'm sure there are plenty of cases out there of loser, alcoholic, drug addict adult children totally screwing over their aging parents and isolating them from other family members so that they can get away with it, but I bet for every legitimate case of that, there are multiple cases of self serving  dysfunctional family members trying to push a false narrative.

Vickey, your parents must tell your sister that they wish to see you; and they must make arrangements for you to visit. Once they have done that, if your sister still refuses you admittance to your parents' living quarters - can they be reached without entering your sister's house, by the way? It would help if they can - then your parents can take formal legal steps to force the issue. But the point is that it's your parents who have to take the initiative, here; and I suspect that's where the problem lies, is it?

I still do not have an answer. My sister owns the house, built on an addition and that is where my parents live. There are many, many childhood issues. My parents want to SEE me in the square footage they reside in my sisters house. Is it elder abuse to keep me from visiting in the pie square footage? They are 86 and 81 and unable to get out

Some siblings do it to be spiteful.

Background:
I lived in Florida with my three children and got a phone call from my mothers daughter sobbing that she needed help with our mom so I moved from Florida back to N.Y. Thank goodness my now husband lived out in New York and I had a place to stay. He also helped me financially with the move.
From the time we stepped foot back in N.Y. we were at my mom's house every saturday(only day off) making repairs to my mom's house. Then there was a fire and my mom came to stay with me for 6 months.

I barely heard from her The only time she called is to let me know my mom had a doctors appointment which was twice in the whole six months. My other sis would actually come to pick her up.

We never asked for a penny for taking care of her. When it was offered by my other sister it was declined. She wasn't the POA she shouldn't of been offering it. Regardless, I wasn't taking anything from anyone. Our parents took care of us when we were young. Its our job to take care of them when they are older.

My mom goes back to the home that she lived in after its fixed up. Brand new. Her daughter has moved in. After throwing my brother and his kids out. Just to take over the house. Now all of a sudden she's complaining again that nobody helps. Nobody does anything. She has to do everything by herself. Blah blah blah. That's the same ruse she used that made me move back home.

Fortunately, I was able to see it was a load of crock. The whole family was helping. The whole family picked in. When my mom was in the hospital she was never left alone not even for a min we took turns staying with her

I later found out that she was leaving her then 9 year old daughter in the house with my mother Alone. Sneaking so she could go clubbing. She's 53. My mom had one time tried to beat her daughter with a hammer.

In late February while with my mom in the hospital I was told by the doctor my mom had five months left. I was distraught, I was there by myself when I got the news. Basically he said giving our mom blood transfusions is not helping. We were only making her live in pain. I wasn't the POA. It wasn't my choice.
So, my mothers daughter through out this whole experience from the time I came back to N.Y was just nasty all the time constantly cursing, belittling everyone. Complaining no one was helping or giving her money. She was suffering paying all my moms bills. Yet, she was recieving my moms ss payments, pension, and also recieved a settlement from the insurance policy on the house. Her and her children were and still are living in my mom's house 2 grown and one still a child.
All that complaing but she could afforded her expensive weed habit( the amount of blunts daily was equivalent to half or pack of cigarettes ) cigarettes, liquor, threw parties, fake lashes, 400 sew ins every month, going to concerts,clubbing.
I'm sorry I wasn't giving her a penny towards her habits. I rather personally buy what my mom needs and take the tags off.

So, I didn't come around for 2 weekends. One of the weekends my family took her to church. I had to process what I had been told and also it was the 2nd year anniversary that my old two children's father had past. It was rough. I had a panic attack.

When I finally do come back around. She's being nasty not letting me know what's going on with my mom. So I asked my she's not telling me what's going on. She says " you never call me you only call our other sister."

She was right. Every time I did call to see how my mom was doing she was constantly moaning and complaing about everyone and everything. I couldn't take it anymore. She was under the impression that we were here workers and when she said jump we should say how high.

Anyway, there was an argument. I told her I wasn't there for her I was there for my mom. She was a pompous jack*ss. She said she runs this. Typical power hungry response so, she tried to hit me... and oh boy. I opened my mouth and let loose and confronted her on a lot of things.

So, after that I was banned from my mothers house. Missed my mom's last three months she was still alive. In july i Went to my moms funeral. Then went to my mom's house for the get together. Never stepped in was just on the block in the front. She came out screaming and yelling go find your real mother(I'm adopted). Your not family, my mom didn't leave you anything. Then continually tried to attack me ( I was five months pregnant. Threatened to kill my unborn son, hoped that he died. Threatned to jump me to be able to kill my unborn son.Threatened to have me arrested if i showed up to my moms buriel. Her reason for all this was because I called her a pompous jack*ss three months prior. And the fact my mom had no will and she wanted everything for herself.

She went for POA a years after my mom was well into her dementia. She no longer could remember her name. I was on florida at the time.

hello everyone i can see that the care givers r very angry with all the care and no help my mom was always with me even though my father was in the picture. i left to puerto rico with her she came back with me my father the great gambler and smoker always left mom with me we r 4 brothers and 1 sis 6 all together i am the oldest one day out of the blue my brother wanted my mom and dad to move in with him to help with the mortgage i would go visit she ended up crying telling me she didnt feel safe there mind you they have a person living there that got shot in the head drug dealing when i used to go there he would scream to shut the h*ll up. mom always locked in the room she ended up having a heart attack dementia hit her hard and fast when i went to pick her up one day i was told that they would call the police for knapping they use all her money my dad gambles all his they get paid 24hrs a day for her care i want to know if i could take it to court to get to visit my mother somewhere not there too much smoking drinking and its digusting the smell and now even on mothers day they hid her from me i dont know what their hiding but of the six im the ugly duckling the only one not doing drugs and the only one my mom always lived with and when she got the dementia they took over her, can i have visitation rights like with children as soon as i buy a home i am taking her with me they want to visit i wont take that away but i want to see her now and not walk into a house full of smoke smelly house with alchol all over the place and my mom in front of a tv all day i dont want money they could stick that up their bum i just want my mom safe she never slept with dad her dementia he jumps right into bed isnt that rape?

Remember there is always two sides. These stories are tragic but some of this needs to fall on the parents for not setting things up prior to needing the help. Parents also push buttons between children. When siblings don't get along going to the others house or parents house with them living there can only make it worse. Add money to the mix and no one wins. My point, if your a parent fix the problem before it's a problem!

In agreement with Churchmouse when she says:
"Anyway - don't overreact. Don't jump the gun. Don't freak out. Make consistent attempts over a reasonable length of time to contact your sister. "
However, failing that, change "contact your sister" to "contact your Mom".

Gen, It has been working for us to just go over there and visit as a guest, ignore the remarks of others, bring food, visit less than 40 minutes, and come back soon, with the permission of your loved one. However, it is the loved one who owns the home. Try not to cause trouble, threaten APS, lawyers, or 911 if at all possible.
This is just a different and a temporary fix that allows you to assess the situation overall, imo. However, it may not be possible if there are blatant abuses.

Never mind your legal rights, Gen: it is, as you also realise, a question of your mother's rights. Your mother has a right to see you if she wants to.

First of all, take a deep breath.

Now then. How long has this been going on? When you say "my sister is not letting me have access to my mother..." that sounds like an ongoing situation. But is it actually the case that on one particular day, e.g. yesterday, your sister dodged your calls? Because that's a different issue: not great manners, but not abusive either.

When was your mother in hospital for this kidney infection? Don't get too hung up on the mother saying that sister saying etc etc round and round... Your mother is compos mentis, your sister may get "crazy", but your mother remains in charge of what she says to whom.

You may have to get a lawyer (I hope not). But before you do, text your sister and say "I am trying to call mother to wish her a Happy New Year. Call me back when it's convenient, please." And see what happens.

If nothing does, after a day or two, send your sister another text saying "call me as soon as possible, please."

If that doesn't work either, and you have to go further, how far away are you from your sister and mother's home?

The gist is that you need to sort this situation out with your sister, and my first guess would be that your sister is 'evil-ing' you in her mind because she is under the considerable strain of looking after your mother while you get off scot free but then ring up and criticise. Your sister is wrong, but having been in her position I can understand why she might feel like this.

Anyway - don't overreact. Don't jump the gun. Don't freak out. Make consistent attempts over a reasonable length of time to contact your sister. Maybe you could call to speak to her, and ask her how she is doing, come to that. Your mother does have a right to contact with you and that's what you're aiming for, but you want to get there without steamrollering your sister. Your sister deserves your support and encouragement.

If you really really have to, there will be recourse to law. Long before that, contact social workers or elder care departments in your mother's area and seek their advice about what to do.

My sister is caring for my 86 yr old mother who still has her senses. She had an injury this summer and my sister was caring for her while she healed. My sister is not letting me have access to my mother over the phone claiming there is something wrong with it so i called my sister's cell phone and she was abrupt and hung up. i tried all day to call, the house phone is constintly busy and my sister will not answer her cell phone. My mother is afraid of to say anything because my sister gets crazy at my mother, I've see it. My mother was in the hospital for a bladder infection which caused a kidney infection and my sister told my mother not to tell me, so when my sister went for a walk my mother called to tell me and made me promise not to say anything to my sister. I want to know what my legal rights are as my mother wants to see me. I might have to get a lawyer.

My sister has been caring for my 86 old mother for a few years now and has recently moved in.My problem is that my sister is trying her best to keep me out of the loop as far as my mother's health is concerned. Now today I cant reach my mother because my sister says there is something wrong with the phone lines. My sister is not answering her cell phone and she did not inform me that my mother was in the hospital Dec 31. My mother was ordered by sister not to tell me. My mother is afraid to say anything to my sister because my sister screams at her and my mother is afraid. My mother calls me when my sister goes for a walk.My sister is looking me out of my mother's life. I am concidering going to an attorney to see what my rights are. Can anyone give me good advise on who to handle this..

My sister and I have not seen eye to eye basically since our mom has gotten sick and unable to make decision for herself. My mom kind of know she was slipping from the disease and let my sister handle her financial affairs. We decided to move my mom in with my sister but then things change with my sister is started spending my moms money on her own personal house item. When we mention it she said she was entitled to it because we didn't need anything. Long story short me and her are fussy all the time but she tell me I'm not welcome at her house anymore. So i did contact the state for elderly exploitation but they didn't follow up with anybody just take my sister word and because of that she doesn't even call me when moms goes to the hospital. I really just want to know if i have any rights.

Missmazda, so your mother lives with your brother and your sister-in-law, is that right?

The thing to concentrate on is that your mother has a right to see you. Depending on how advanced her dementia is, though, it may be difficult to be certain that she would benefit from your visiting, especially if you and your brother find it hard to be civil to one another.

I sympathise because, although I was the caregiver so it was sort of the other way about, relations broke down very badly between myself and my sister-in-law and to be honest I would have loved to have banned her from the house. As it was I gritted my teeth and put up with their visits (very rare, fortunately) because seeing my brother was important to my mother and they came as a package; so I suppose I feel that if I had to, they should too!

In an ideal world, resolving the dispute that arose when your father passed away would be the answer; but I'm guessing that that is a lot easier said than done. So, since nobody has time to waste, the only thing I can suggest is writing a careful letter to your brother and SIL together. Say that while you regret that there are issues coming between you this must not be allowed to prevent your mother's having contact with you, and you therefore hope they will agree to your visiting her at a convenient time. Suggest a few dates and times that you genuinely think would not upset their normal routine. Ask them to telephone you to make an arrangement. If you think it would help rather than stir up trouble, you could offer an undertaking not to discuss the thorny subjects. Cross your fingers and see what happens, but give them a few days to think it over before you assume they won't budge.

My mother has dementia and lives with my brother. Back in April of this year my father died and we had a falling out.(brother and sisters law) now I am not welcome at their home and am unable to see my mother. What can I do? I need to see my mom! Thanks

My sister is a recovering drug addict. She stayed with mom off and on between jail and boyfriend live ins. She refused to let my sister see my mom. My sister called protective services but mom told them she wanted to stay there. My sister is very mean to my mom and even broke her ankle. My mom is brainwashed. My sister got mad at me in April. They had a fire and I took her computer home that night. It was partially melted. They had total loss. My sister thinks I did that to computer even though her other computer had same results. She refuses to talk to me or let me see my mom. She has power of attorney. No one knows how terrible it is unless they have gone through it. Is there any way I can see my mom?

fhs, what do you mean?

abusive housekeeper claims to be caregiver, no training or certiications hired by my sister as housekeeper, slowing attempting to take over , i was told that my sister has changed docuemts and that i have no right to see my mother. sister does not want me to see what is going on in my mothers life

Half sister harassing Dad in nursing home

Minnie, I hate not to give you the answer I think you want. But there is a more important question: what are you going to do to facilitate your Dad's seeing his son?

Is your Dad able to visit your brother? Is there anyone who would be prepared to accompany your brother during visits and remain with him and your father while you go out for a while? There will be ways round it that don't involve you going anywhere near direct confrontation with a man who bullies you (you don't say if your brother is abusive or bullying towards your father - is he?). But there's more to it than just saying "fine, sure, ban brother from the house."

My brother who has been abusive towards me want to visit my Dad who lives with me. I am his sole caretaker. He had his lawyer put it in writing that my Dad would live with me as part of the settlement we were involved in, to save his own skin from his lies. Several times he has screamed in my face, chest butted me into a corner and wouldn't let me move, until I told him I was going to call the police. He thought he could just stop in whenever he wanted, without a call. I gave him options, but he refused them. Then he tried to get the church involved. He pretends he is a good Christian, blessing people, olpatec, ashes in his pocket, all the while he is a con man, bully and rageaholic, liar, thief, and has guns. Do you think I am wrong in not allowing him to see our Dad?

Not knowing the whole story, just a thought. My husband told me that his last wife's mother was a hypochondriac and drove the whole family crazy always claiming to be ill, she was finally put into a nursing home after many years of care always calling the kids claiming to be very ill. It got so bad that they started to not pay to much attention to her claims.

I guess the whole family was on vacation and she passed away, it was at a later date that they found out that she had lupus and that is why she always said she wall ill. They had no idea just though she was calling wolf. I have no idea what lupus is but it just came in my mind when I read your post.

I have a similar situation that I am just beside myself with. My mother cries wolf a lot and after years of running to her house, calling the ambulance only to have her released from the hospital with nothing wrong, I've finally taken a stand and last week I didn't run to her. I called the P.D. in her town to do a wellness check on her to make sure she was ok and of course she wanted to take the ambulance to the hospital. She was released the next day because there wasn't anything wrong. My two other siblings are non existent. My mother lived with my brother for about 6 months but she moved out because my sister-in-law was so controlling and my brother went into a deep depression. He blamed the depression on the fact that my mother was there. My own sister rarely speaks to my mother, so I'm the only one who does the running. As I mentioned after so many years, I just couldn't take it any more. If there were legitimate reasons, I would be there in a heartbeat. Mom is a registered nurse who likes her percocets/pain killers so she knows what to say to the docs in order to get more. I've tried so hard to communicate with her docs to get them to realize that she has a problem, but when one stops prescribing, she just goes to another. The most recent incident of crying wolf has deemed me the "bad daughter" in everyone's eyes because I didn't go and rescue her. Now, my brother won't communicate with me to discuss what happened and my mother is incredibly angry that I didn't go to see her. Brother is in control of all of her finances too. I feel so lost, as if I don't have a family, but then again I don't think I ever did. Can he keep info from me? I still love my mother, but I'm trying to find that balance of taking care of myself and not getting sucked in to her crying wolf all the time.

Pattifeliciano, That is insane!!!! Can you call the Police? I have no idea what to say about something like this, seems like there is something legal that you could do. This is the second story that I have read like this today. People are crazy when it comes to money, it sickens me the way people behave. With his history of emotional and physical abuse does he have a record that you could maybe seek legal advice and have him removed from the house?

How was your brother able to move you out of your parents home after your dad died? I understand your mom has Alzheimer's; what is the legal situation there and where did you go; where are you now? Whose name was/is the car in? How did he get the keys to the house? Are you and the brother her only children? Is his history documented? I went 2 yrs. without seeing dad's grandson after he died because of his history of abuse. Did he file the restraining order? And how could he keep you from your inheritance? Would your family back you up in trying to get this situation resolved, especially considering your mental illness history he's brought up?

My Brother moved me out of the home of my parents after my father died and he moved in, he had not been allowed in the their home for almost 20 years cuz he is very violent and has beaten my father up and myself. She has alzihimiers and i was taking care of her during the day from my home till she got real bad. He has taken control of everything, even came and took a new car my mother bought me and i paid part for, he took my keys to the house and rendered me homeless. Nobody is allowed to see her, not her two brother's, her neices and nephews, her grandchildren, her long time friends and members of her church! I have not been able to see or talk to her in two years, i do this cuz i am seriously petrified of him he is emotionally and physically abusive and has a long history of it. His latest thing was that i could revisit the visiting Mom thing every 6 months but, if i had an attitude problem or was my crazy self (im bipolar and on meds far from crazy) he may let me see her for 5 min. but i come alone and when i said what the hell, he said thats it your psycho crazy whore im filing a restraining order on you! He also said he was going to make sure i dont see a penny out of my inheiratance which is completely insane since there is a two million dollar trust being split three ways. My family is all beside themselves because he is so vicious most are scared of him and he puts a lock on an iron gate to keep people out there is no way of getting in. what should i do im scared she will die and i will never get to say goodbye!

There are 2 sides to the story. My sister has done NOTHING to help me take care of my mother, she lives in PA and I live in Texas even when we take mom back to her house which is only an 8 hour trip my sister and niece do not even take time to show up to see her. However when she calls she wants to quiz me on everything, I have been left now for three years to take care of everything BUT she wants an accounting for every dime that is spent and believe me its not very much at all, she gets upset if I take Mom on vacation, she only pays her part and we usually cover all meals and anything else. She is totally out of had so I have chose not to speak to her for my sanity. I have ask her to take Mom for 2 weeks so I can get some rest and there is always a reason why she is to stressed.

Its very upsetting to me that my family has turned out this way. I have no issue taking care of Mom and happy to do so, at this point I really don't trust them to take her. I have told my sister that I have to start eliminating stress from my life just to get by and she is the main added stress. I have also told her that she is more than welcome to call Mom, when I see her number I just pass the phone to Mom but she never calls. She also has the caregivers phone number and can call in the day which is far and few that she ever does.

I find in a lot of cases everything is thrown on one sibling, its a shame that people can't step up and do there part it would make it so much easier. I wish you both luck and hope your case is not the same as mine but I can see why some people just have to make the decision to break away form family members.

there could be reasons, Mjasso, I had POA for my dad but it was his grandson who actually took care of him, living with him with dementia and a cancer-like condition; he was getting to the point of staying in bed almost all the time, except when it flipped and he started wandering, so bedridden is probably actually easier, but I still ultimately made the decisions, even though I didn't take care of him full-time; however, I did when crises hit, so that might make a difference for you.

my sister has power of attorney for my mother, and I am the one that has taken care of her for the past 7 years, my mother lives with me and has alzheimers, and cancer she is completely bed ridden. and she wants to make decisions when she hasn't taken care of her for 1 day in the past 7 years.

My sister doesnt allow me to see my mom. As my sister and i had words and she banned me from going to the house which my mom rents of her. I am not even allowed to lift my mum to take her out. As well my father died earlier in the year and i havent been at my moms over 6 months. So sister canbe horrible