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What do you do when you have a mother in law whom you live with, has Alzheimer's, dementia with psych issues has cancer. My husband and I live with her 24/7 we see her decline rapidly daily. Other family offers no support and refuses to help or place her in nursing home. They see her maybe one hour a week tops they see her declining but will do nothing to helpCaregiver support when nursing home is NOT an option., they don't have to be here but we do. What can I do? It has already put my husband in the hospital from stress. he has a bad heart and I am afraid this will kill him. he gets angry saying he will not abandon her but admits this may kill him HELP !!

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Why is a nursing home not an option? Is it because of your husband's attitude?

He should NOT abandon his mother. Absolutely not! Placing a loved one where they can get good care from three shifts of skilled people is not abandonment. Or it certainly doesn't have to be. Let others do the hands-on care while you visit often and provide emotional support. Be her advocate.

Dementia, Psych Issues, and Cancer? Good grief! I think this dear woman deserves 3 shifts of rested and trained care people, don't you?
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Worried; you need to apply for MEDICAID for an indigent parent. MEDICARE will only pay for 21 days at full cost for REHAB after a qualifying 3 day hospital stay...then the patient pays at 20% copay for an additional 80 days. That's for REHAB.

For long term care, Medicaid is what covers, if your parent doesn't have the means to pay with private funds. Please read the information here on the Elder Care tab, "paying for care".

Also, if her SS places her slightly out of the eligibility for Medicaid, consult with an elder care attorney about what is called a Miller trust in some states. It's a pooled asset trust that is NOT a DIY project.
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I'm sorry you and your husband are going through such a difficult time. It always amazes me when non-supportive family members think they can dictate care to the people who are caring for the elderly parent. It's like saying, "We won't help but you can't get outside help either." You deserve better.

There are facilities that offer respite care. Find a facility in your area that offers respite for a few days. Your MIL stays there while you and your husband get a break. Then you bring her back home again.
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You say that nursing home is not an option. I would reconsider that notion. You say that she was placed in one, but did not do well. I'd explore why. Certainly, a facility with trained staff of several shifts of people have the ability to properly care for her. It sounds like you are already convinced that a long term facility will not work. I might examine why I felt that way. Why not locate a place that is better suited to help tend to her needs?

Providing around the clock care for a person with her conditions is extremely difficult for just two people who are already exhausted and pushed to the limit. The stress is unbearable and long term and it will take a toll. I learned first hand. I learned that the best thing I could do was to place my loved one in a safe place where she could receive around the clock care. Realizing your limitations is not a bad thing.

If the other family members only offer limited support, maybe that's all they can offer. I know that I am not able to pull on a patient in bed, lift them up or spend an entire day cleaning. Some people are not equipped to handle that long term. I have a home and a full time business that I run. My love can be shown by arranging for her care. If they refuse to agree to that, then turn her care over to them, give them a deadline and place her in their custody.

Who is in charge now? Who has her Durable POA and Healthcare POA? That person should make the decisions. Is that your husband? I might suggest that he read a lot of material about people with his mother's conditions so he might understand more options and realize that he isn't letting her down by getting help for her care. Is Hospice involved? They can be a great help, if she has reached that stage.
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worried13, A nursing home isn't an option for financial reasons? Huh? Are you in the US?

My Mother's sole income is $800 a month. That's it. No assets. How on earth can she afford a nursing home? She pays a little more than $700 a month to NH and Medicaid pays the rest.

If your MIL has income and assets she should be using them for her own care. If she is broke (like my mom) she can apply for Medicaid.

"Can't afford it" is very seldom a legitimate reason not to get the care our elders need and deserve.

It may be true that you have rejected the option of NH care for your loved one, worried13, but that is different than saying it isn't an option for financial reasons. Your reasons may be very valid. You may be making the best decision under the circumstances. Just acknowledge that it is a decision -- it isn't a case of not having other options.
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My fail safe if my mom's care gets overwhelming is the hospital. I know if I call 911 they will come and get her and that once she is gone I don't have to accept her back and it will be up to them to keep her or find appropriate care in a facility. I hope I never have to use it, but it helps just knowing the option is there.
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kathyy1, why don't you consider NH care an option for MIL?
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kathyy1, please come back if you are still on the forum as we are curious why a nursing home is not an option for your Mom-in-law.

What is in her best interest? Someone who is exhausted from working 3-full shifts 168 hours a week, or being in a place where the caregivers work 8 to 12 hour shifts, then go home for a good nice sleep to be refreshed in the morning. And this isn't their first rodeo, they have been around patients with Alzheimer's and are familiar with all the different stages.

What would happen if your hubby had another heart issue and never came home? Then he would be abandoning not only his mother but also you. That doesn't sound very fair, does it. But I can understand him not wanting to upset his mother.
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Also, you need to talk to her doctor, or to a geriatric psychiatrist about her agita8and combativeness.
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Is her geriatric psychiatrist aware of her continuing behavior issues? It sounds as though her meds need to be recalibrated.

I would not entertain those phone calls. If she's in the hospital, there might be a need for her son to check with the nursing station once a day. Don't answer her calls. Let them go to voice mail.

YOU do not afford the NH. MILs assets or entitlements ( medicaid) pays for that. Not you.
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