Caregiving is stressing us to death. I cared for my husband for 8 years till he passed away in 2009 from early onset dementia at age 61. I then transitioned to caring for my parents, Mom in a nursing home and Dad suffering from cancer- needing treatment and multiple dr appts. Mom passed in 2014. I took Dad into my home full time after he fell the same year. At the time, my 2 sisters were living with me and the 3 of us shared responsibilities for Dad. My younger sister has multiple medical conditions and my older sister had grand parenting obligations as well. During the last 5 years I also suffered with a second diagnosis of breast cancer. To say this has all added up on us is an understatement. In the meantime, my nephew (younger sisters son) was struggling financially and I bought him a pickup so he could work, etc. he does construction work- carpentry, tiling, plumbing, etc. When I wanted to redo a bathroom, I offered him the work. I paid him every day $2-300=trying to be very generous. After halfway through the project, he “blew up”-suffers from ADHD that he refuses to treat. He screamed at me, called me a mother f...Er and I threw him out. He was screaming at his mother and everyone in the house. My now 94 year old father was horrified. I told him to take all of his belongings and never set foot on my property again. I must add, he has had difficulties with many members of our family, creating major rifts between them but I always thought it would be different with us. I helped him pay his child support and kept in touch with him when he was in prison. My sister knows her son and his problems. She knew he was never to come on my property. Last week, she got a call (she now lives elsewhere) while she was here caring for my Dad and I heard her say” well good, now you can come see Poppy”. Next thing, she was asking me if her son could come in because he missed “his Grandfather”! This incident happened 2 plus years ago!! She knew I would not create a problem in front of my Dad so I walked by her and said “three minutes”. As I left the room, I saw he was already in my house and she handed him money!! That was the real reason for the visit. I sat in Dads room waiting. After 12 minutes, I went out and caught my sisters eye. She knew why I was standing there and got up so her son did too. As he walked by me he called me a b*tch and a dozen other horrible words. I told my sister that he was not welcome in my home and that she created the problem. I further said that if he came again, I’d call the police. We have not spoken since. Each of us has assigned days to be at my house to care for Dad. I have twin grandbabies and I watch them 3 days a week at their home. My older sister travels away for 4 days a week to care for her grandchildren. Not speaking to my sister is uncomfortable because we have always been close but her life is full of drama and I do not want it in my life. She has now texted to my older sister and me that she is having major surgery soon and will be unavailable to help for 6 weeks. We will figure out my Dad but I feel very bad for her going through this situation but, I am not willing to re-ad her drama to my life. We had stopped talking a few years ago because of her daughter and finally when this happened with her son I told her I did not want to hear either of their names in my home, let alone them. How do I deal with this estrangement especially because she is at my house from 9 am to 10 pm every time shes here with Dad? I am not comfortable in my own home. I really believe we are all suffering because of this obligation with my Dad. Moving him out is not an option. She has forced me to treat her like I never thought I would. But, the elimination of the stress is very welcome. Help! I need ideas.
I am sorry for this situation. Sibling stress is one of those things that makes caregiving harder. I mean no disrespect but the fact that she will be out of the picture for 6 weeks will be a respite for you.
Maybe you can use that time to find a caregiver who can come in the times your sister isn't there and then when she is better you can tell her you're good, you don't need her to come.
I know with sisters the hurt is so deep and so profound but you have to take care of yourself and I don't mean that in a finger pointing way. You really do. You are just as important as anyone else, you don't need to sacrifice yourself for others. Good luck and hang in there.
Your life is absolutely FILLED with stress. I am a 31 year old survivor of breast cancer myself. Stress becomes a drug, and we become junkies to it. I do not honestly believe in anything as a cure EXCEPT relieving stress and understanding your limitations. If you read about the level of cortisol in the blood with stress and blowups you will see how negative it is for any system of the body, and for those with cancers especially. You are playing with your life. Who do you think will care for you? Why are you doing this to yourself. The sister and son should be living together wherever they like, and to me the son sounds dangerous, and has been enabled, is still being enabled. This is the kind of person who breaks and causes things that are not pretty.
This is now YOUR CHOICE. No one will give you the Martyr's picture complete with halo. No one will give you so much as a thank you. It is your choice for your life. I hope you make a wise one that will afford you some years of peace and happiness. So sorry for all you are going through. But the tough love part of me needs you to hear that this is your choice.
It's a win-win situation. Change your thinking and change everyone's life in the process.
Best of luck!
it. Thank you for your very smart answer.