Reality: My father-in-law is extremly unhygenic, rude and nearly impossible to spend any time with. He chews and spits tobacco, hacks and coughs all day due to copd ( in final stages ) and has some obsessive issues. He disregards anything his doctors tell him and lies all the time. The most simple task that I do for him turns into an arguement.
My husband and I finally convinced him to hire an aid to come in once a week ( he will not pay for more ) to wash him. He refuses to get in the shower or bath, so any attempt at getting him washed is done by the sink only. The aid told me that he was the nastiest person she had ever cleaned. He only agreed to do this because I was getting ready to leave the home for good!
My husband promised me that when the time comes, he will be placed in a nursing home, which I see very soon. We have medical power of attorney and just enough money to pay for this. The signs we both agreed on was when he could no longer use the bathroom and or was falling. I have made it very well known to my father-in-law, that I could not provide that type of care when needed. He has refused a lifeline alarm, because he is worried that we may leave the house for a few hours. I really think he gets some kind of pleasure out of me worrying about him.
He refused Hospice, because he still wants to continue to see his doctors. we all feel he is in a lot of denial about his disease. He is also an alcoholic, so I do not see him being around much longer.
I am getting sick on a daily basis, due to his deplorable lack of hygiene. I feel guilty because I do not spend any time with him other than preparing his meals, paying his bills or cleaning. I live in the other half of the house and my husband and I have our own bath and some privacy. No other family members ever visit him except my stepson.
It is difficult to tell when my father-in-law is using his illness to manipulate me or if he is really feeling bad. I know that he is exhausted due to his disease and weak, but I was told by his care team to encourage him to do as much as he can on his own. As bad as he says he feels all day, he always manages to get up at 5pm and start drinking.
How do I deal with the guilt I feel for essentailly, emotionally abandoning him? I don't ever say anything to him unless he asks me a question ( to which I must always agree ) because we just end up in spats. I am really a very paitent person, but how much of this can a person take? What can I do about throwing up all the time? I look terrible and I think I am depressed ( I am seeing a therapist soon). I have told my husband my honest feelings and even he cannot spend much time with his dad. It's really sad.
What can I do? Thanks.....
How does he get the alcohol? Does he shop for himself? Do you get it for him? If so why? You don't have to put up with his childish behavior. If this was your teenager you would have kicked him to the curb by now. I have told my son that if my behavior becomes unacceptable if/when I get to this stage of life he is to place me in a nursing home and I've only asked that he visit me as often as he is able. I don't want him to lose his health or marriage over my loss of reason. How do you want your kids to handle this situation? Whatever your answer is that is how you should behave.
I thought I had it bad, with almost the same issues, FIL and MIL both in our home.
It's been a daily adjustment. I agree with some of the previous advice, great ideas!
We found a daytime caregiver as well as a once a week at night caregiver so we could have some peace. The senior centers also offer daytime care giving, which we use a couple times a week. Bingo and just visiting with other elders seems to help.
They of course appreciate zip, which has been a hard hurdle for us, we want to make them happy, which I've determined is not our job. Safe and fed, with clean clothes and a some hygiene, seems to be the bottom line.
I automatic motion lights and fans for safety and to keep the air flowing. They go on when they walk by and stay on for 30 minutes. The smell is a biggie, I did similar to the vinegar suggestion, found automatic air fresheners (sprayers) for their room and bathroom. We've put alarms on all the doors so we are alerted if they go out of the house.
One item might help to give you and your husband an hour or two, there's a monitoring product that works with your cell phone.
We plug it in prior to leaving and we can watch them when we go to the store or out for breather.
It's taken almost 4 months but the routine is getting a tad easier.
Also Degrey, we started recently eating by ourselves a few times a week. I know that sounds bad, but it gives my wife and I some together time.
God Bless, you're doing all the right things, just realize that you're objective is to keep him safe, fed and somewhat clean.
Mondieux
You can set the camera up and use an Android app, even Skype will work.
I tried both Android and a Windows phone and had lots of issues. Most of them just me or my home network.
I then discovered the Apple Izon camera. It hooks into your home network.
You can place the camera where you are concern about your loved ones' safety.
I put in two units and am planning on a couple more just to be extra safe.
Then you load them up and you can view the camera on your Iphone. Shows 5 minute clips of what they are doing while you are at the store or out for a walk.
It takes a bit of patience to get all the kinks out, but what a relief to get out of the house for 5 minutes knowing that they are okay.
Hope that helps.
Also Patricia, have you looked into respite care. I know it's expensive, but that will give you the peace to know he's okay and you can actually leave. You can also respite care in your home, that's expensive too. No easy answers. They will try to control you, that's for sure. Guilt and all kinds of emotions. You're going to suffer (for lack of a better word) either way, staying or going, you might as well go and suffer less with your friends.
God Bless !
My FIL (oxygen, wheelchair, totally incontinent) and MIL (alzheimers) are staying with me as of 2 months ago. My husband died 3 years ago.
I am 63 yrs old.
I am so frustrated because it feels like they are pushing me right out of my house. I have to go to the basement to get away from the blaring LOUD tv which they play till they are good and ready to go to bed. It's my big screen tv in my living room. And today, my FIL said I WANT TO SIT IN BILL's CHAIR. (That's my husband's chair............and since he died, I sit in it in the evenings as it brings me comfort. Now my FIL's "diaper covered butt" is sitting on it - yuk. I think he did it on purpose - to upset me. So instead of his wheelchair which is perfectly comfortable, I had to go through the ordeal to get him in my husband's chair. I was able to quickly throw a blanket on it before his butt landed ...........but still..........ewwww. He also pulls his false teeth out of his mouth dripping with stuff and says......'here put these in a cup." Ewwwww again. I won't even discuss toilet time.
My question to you all is...................."Does it sound like he's doing this on purpose or do I sound crazy"?
You mention Alzheimers in your profile, so I'm not sure if both in-laws have it or just your MIL. But that changes brains and if they both have it, their brains aren't working right, so I don't think they're actively trying to make you crazy with their requests. Look up Teepa Snow videos on Youtube.com to learn more about how to deal with folks with dementia. She has wonderful insights.
You need to get some help so that you can take a break and get away from them or you will go crazy. You're a sweetheart to take both of them on. Can you get them into some daycare, so you get a break? Keep us posted and let us know how things go.
FIL must agree to the following in order to continue house privileges, if not, or if he violates, then he will be moved to hospice or NH immediately.
He must bath every other day. Period.
No more tobacco in the house. You can concede outside, but if he doesn't spit in designated area or container and dispose of properly...he goes to NH.
No more alcohol. Period. You will not tolerate since it could interact with meds, he could fall, etc.
You will hire a cleaning service once a week for his living area and HE WILL PAY FOR IT. If he refuses...he goes to NH.
Following above, you and hubby will evaluate the situation monthly, if its not working for you, then he will have to go to NH or hospice...STICK TO YOUR GUNS! Your health is what matters and you have paid your dues and been a good DIL. Your husband should be supportive and backing you. Surely, he doesn't want to see you have a breakdown emotionally or from exhaustion where he might have to take care of both of you. More than that, this stress could seriously affect your marriage and its not right of dad to jeopardize your relationship with husband.
Many hugs sent your way.