Dealing with resentful feelings towards deadbeat siblings.

Kristen246, it is amazing how family comes out of the woodwork, not for Mom or Dad, but themselves.
2 of my siblings understand, so far everything I'm doing to care for Mom and her property/house. A few weeks ago a nephew showed up out of nowhere to come see his Grandmother before she dies. Really?! Where have you been over the past 15+ years ya druggie sh** head? That goes for his sister AND their Mom, I have 3 sibling.
#3 was in prison for almost 1.5 yrs (white collar, oh hell she was helping illegals get fraudulent identities). I received a text this AM from her asking me who owned the boat/truck parked on the driveway. Neighbor's to help make it appear someone is living in the house beach! I wanted to ask her why she was at the house instead of visiting with our Mother. I'm legally responsible for Mom, finances, property, fighting step-siblings for fraud, live out of State, go back home every month for a week to visit Mom/Step-father, hire contractors for repairs, deal with attorneys, have Trust Officer do financial budget(s), I do the other reports for the Court yearly, talk with the doctor, communicate with assisted living facility manager, legal research so I don't sound like an idiot with the attorneys, fear everytime the phone rings, husband who is doing his best to understand, BUT she wants to know who owns the damn boat/truck and as far as I see on the vistor's list, has only seen Mom ONE FRIGGIN TIME since May. #1 has only been to visit a few times, asked the same question, #4 only once, asked same question as well as why does the pool look so horrid or not covered for Winter? Contractors had not been there yet for all the needed repairs. LOOKS GREAT NOW!
I changed the locks to keep the step-siblings out and I'm happy that none of my siblings have a key.
Not 1 of them (#3 can't have anything involving finances) has asked if there is anything they can do to help me. My absolutely wonderful and favorite Uncle (Mom's youngest of 2 brothers) visits Mom at the very least once a week. He and my Aunt buy Mom new house dresses, slippers all of the time. They take sugarless candy (Mom is diabetic) for Mom and our step-father.
Really?! Their only question is about the boat /truck at the house?
Oh I forgot, if #1 goes to visit and the TV in their suite isn't working why hasn't the manager had it fixed? Step-father keeps pushing in-put button on remote so provide has to come and reprogram. I've paid for the comfort of their dog, fencing, doggie door, grooming mobile vet hence the issues with step-siblings not paying the required by Law 50% for Community debts.
Whose boat/truck are on the driveway?
YES, I AM THE MIDDLE CHILD. NO I'M NOT A MARTYR, I'M THE 1 WHO CARES ABOUT OUR MOM AND I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN THERE MY ENTIRE LIFE FOR HER AND SHE FOR ME.
She is my child now and I am her Mother. My job is to care for her just like she did me. Do I want to SHAME my siblings, damn straight I do. Why you may ask, because just like many, THEY WOULD NOT TELL ME ANYTHING ABOUT WHAT WAS HAPPENING WITH MOM FOR 3 YEARS! #1 convinced them/Mom that I was going to place Mom in a home and take all her money. #1 committed fraud, but she doesn't know that I know and I have all original legal papers....3 people are going to be very surprised. Yo I'm going to make an addendum to Mom's DNR so they have a chance to say their goodbyes and private conversation before I will have to let her go to her next home.
Our current Society does not "love" family and everyone thinks they are "owed" something from their family. NO WE ARE NOT, WE DIDN'T WORK FOR IT AND IT IS NOT REQUIRED TO LEAVE WHAT THEY WORKED FOR TO ANY OF US.
If it takes every single penny Mom has to care for her, that's called life and I will have done my best for Mom.

Love. Listen. They are doing what they know. You know better. Delete them for now and focus on you not the resentment and take care of those in need. Do good things happen and in the end we all are disappointed by others. As long as you do right. That is all that matters. I'm sorry for I completely understand and felt this but it's too draining at such a critical time. Good luck I know its hell.

My sister and I have decided that the best thing to do is not to involve our other two siblings. Our other sister is psychotic when unmedicated, and either borderline or narcissistic (and entitled) when medicated. She is someone we wind up having to provide care to in addition to our Mom, who has Alzheimers.

We both live 2 hours from my mother and have set up a plate spinning system to make sure she is checked on as she resists care. I handle all of her finances.

Our brother lives in a cabin in the mountains 2,000 miles away and hasn't worked since being released from prison in a country 12,000 miles from here 10 years ago. He's always seconds away from an explosion (his record time was when he flew in from his home, came into my house on Christmas Eve 2 years ago when my father had cancer and my sister was psychotic, and after a couple of innocuous sentences, gave the finger to my mother and I, and bolted out the door in a minute's time). When our father was in hospice and near death, he couldn't be reached, and reaching him is always difficult. We don't think he's reliable enough to help, and wouldn't want to have to deal with his temperament and other problems if he could.

There is plenty of financial/paperwork help that my brother could help me with (my father left behind 30+ years of disorganized documents), and my mentally ill sister is supposed to be well enough to provide some respite, but often doesn't show up.

Sometimes, you have to go it alone, and if the deadbeats start causing trouble rather than help, you have to have a come-to-Jesus meeting with them, and lay it on the line. They've made their choices, they aren't going to help, so I do what I can now to avoid them (to the point of skipping holidays, making sure I'm out of town when my brother is in town, and forbidding my brother from coming into my house).

Your situation may differ, but don't expect anything of the deadbeat (and probably loser) siblings - they probably aren't going to give you anything but hassles, and let them live with their consciences as your mother ages.

On your part, do your best to help your mom. If your siblings won't help at a time like this, they are no longer part of any family you want to be in after your mother is gone.

If you are going there daily then you mom is not living independently. You made the choice to do this. You don't get to make choices for your siblings. I am saying this as an only child. Either your mom needs to move to assisted living or she needs to hire help and take the burden off of you. Neither of these are your siblings fault. It is time to have a talk with mom about her future care.

I have a different problem than all yous, I am 3rd of 4 kids, mum signed #1 as POA, long time ago, Mum lives with #2 (Her whole life), [we don't know when] sis took mum down and had her sign the trailer over to sis - without telling anyone], 3 weeks ago mum fell and was in the hospital, that's when #2 tells #1 - "Oh yeah by the way, I took mum down and had her make me POA, since she lives with me and I'm the only one who takes her to the Dr.s or anything," Now the problem is #2 does not communicate or relay ANY information about mum, if we ask "When is her next Dr. appointment?", we are told she already had one and the next one isn't for three or four months. So we can't help out taking her places she needs to go, If we try to clean, make dinner, do wash to help mum out #2 gets extremely mad (as in screaming and throwing stuff), because we are "Going through things in HER house!", then she changed the locks on the door and only she has the key, when I want to go see mum, I have to text and ask if mum is awake so #2 can unlock the door. {last week she got into a screaming fit because I made the comment I didn't want to wait around for over an hour if mum was still sleeping} and when I talk to anyone they tell me there is nothing I can do because mum lives with sis, and mum is somewhat cog. / If mum wants things to change she (mum) has to speak up and say something. Only she (mum) wont. I feel she is a prisoner in her own home. I can not afford a lawyer and elder social workers are no help. So I can feel your frustration and anger towards DEAD BEAT siblings. Hang in there.

Hi Kristen. What your feeling towards your siblings is normal & a common complaint from the primary caregiver. If they are long distance they can call ask questions and show sincere concern. Your feelings run deep. Maybe they weren't as close to your parent as you were growing up. With each sibling their is a different dynamic. Be direct with them. Create dialog, ask them questions to illicit support from them. They assume your doing it all and your OK when your really not. Tell them. See what they.

You might find your siblings are happy to have your Mom’s money pay for her care. That is truly what it should be used for. My mil lives next door and we have caregivers and a lawn service. My husband’s brother always tells us to hire someone.
If your Mom is resistant to outside help, just tell her the care keeps her at home.
The resentment really affects only you. It’s not good for your health and emotional wellbeing. Don’t allow others to put you in that spot!

Isn't there some program where you get paid to be a family caregiver? Not sure how that works. Your doing the job anyway.

On another note you can always say here are the things I need to have done or WE WILL pay someone to do.
Make a list. Like housekeeper, yard maintenance, and the cna/carer so many hours a week. You need time off too. When siblings balk, say they can step up, and pull out a calender. You are then ready yo pencil them in for what days/hours they will be available. Lol.

Have you tried talking with your siblings?, Maybe they don't realize how stressful it can be, make a list of things that need to be done, when they stop by try mentioning "Hey here is Mom's "To Do List" that she needs help with!!", sometimes people "see" you handling everything and assume you have it all under control. / If that's not the case, Then I'd suggest what my mum did, Have her go through things before she dies and give them out. That way the recipient can show their gratification. Hope things work out for you.

Kristen246
NOTHING. You need to help yourself mentally. I have the same issue(s).
For me, I keep a diary to express my concerns, feelings and that includes my husband because he has never dealt with this himself nor will he.
I also have a therapist I discuss my feelings about EVERYTHING in my life, but 99.99% is regarding Mom/siblings.
YOU WILL NEVER EVER GET THEM TO CHANGE!! Every family has 1 member who takes responsibility for family issues when it involves one's parent(s) and it is usually the middle child, that's my position in my family. We are the "ignored" child...too young to do what older sibling is doing....too old to do what younger sibling is doing.....can't even go there when it comes to the "caboose".
My older sibling lived 10 yrs free of rent/utilities/maintenance with Mom. This sibling became so irritated with me when I showed up without noticed I would be dead if looks could kill. I went thru all the bills from 3 baskets to 1 single tray in order of importance. I questioned her about how she could say she helps Mom with the bills when they were 30-90 days due. I pulled out 1 bill and showed her how easy it is to read what's due or delinquent. She began to yell at me, pulled out Mom's checkbook to show me that bill was paid. I showed that she was correct, but if you subtract that from the "owed" amount guess what....the bill is still delinquent. It went from bad to beyond worse. She hadn't lifted a hand to clean anything, not even the bathroom she used as her own. She convinced Mom and the other 2 siblings/step-siblings I was going to take everything and place Mom/Step-father in a nursing home!! They ALL cut me off. This past April I received a call from a step-sister that my sibling had moved out about 2 weeks prior and the house was infested with bed bugs. I dropped everything I could and drove back home (I live out of State). I received an email from sibling telling me that I should have been taking care of everything the WHOLE time, but the other 2 disagreed!🤔🤪.
I took the responsibility on as I had always promised Mom and I am still digging out of the pile of crap I was given. #1 I took over paying bills. Things became really bad with Step-siblings by the end of April. I had to get my siblings to agree for me to become Mom's guardian/conservator because the others were getting ready to "steal" from Mom. So far the biggest transgression is just under $40.000 from Mom's account!
I had to place both in an Assisted living group home (killed me) went to Court and now no one, even step-siblings can't do ANYTHING without my permission.
ALL that said, go to Court to become guardian/conservator for Mom. You can't change her Will, but you can "control" the situation. IF they contest, make sure you have record of everything they have or haven't done for Mom compared with a record of everything you've done. EVERYTHING!!
Unless State law requires you be represented by attorney, you can get all the information, docs handled with a paralegal who really knows what to do, mine should be an attorney. I represented myself and I wiped the floor with step-sister's attorney, Court appointed Fiduciary as well as educating the probate "judge". NOW, I have hired an attorney to go after the money step-sister stole using her Durable Power of attorney fraudulently.
It takes a lot of time and some money (using a paralegal), hire the attorney AFTER you're appointed because that's when it's going to hit the fan. Those buzzards are going to circle you waiting for you to make a mistake. I have 7 waiting for me!
ZEN if you can. CRY when you need. SCREAM if necessary. GO OUT with a friend just to get away for awhile. It helps if the friend has been in your shoes. I'm blessed to have an Uncle (Mom's youngest brother) who is my eyes/ears/calls to let me know of any issues. You can only do what God has empowered you to do. It took 6 yrs for me to finally understand why He waited to answer my prayers.

Oh I am so there. I recently texted my siblings explaining Dad’s removing his ostomy appliance & walking around the bedroom. I was on my way to the airport (travel for work) clean up was minimal so I asked if one of them would please go over while I was away & use the deep cleaning vacuum as it’s way to heavy for Mom. Well I never heard from them. Mom tells me they were “offended” that I would ask this of them and that I “had a lot of nerve to try and make them feel guilty.” All I asked was could you clean the carpet. WTF. Both are right there when there’s an audience to praise what great kids they are but tea & crumpets crowd for sure. Unfortunately Mom & Dad won’t allow any “strangers” in to clean or assist. So when I land I get to come home, maybe get a bit of sleep and then try to clean up the mess that builds up while I’m gone. Mom does her best but she’s 81 with her own health challenges.
So yeah I totally get the feelings of frustration and resentment.

I have a question for you. Why are you going every day? You are choosing to do that. If she really needs daily care, she probably needs to go to assisted living.

Or as others have said, get some help for her paying for it with her money. Tell her if she only wants you, that you can't do it, If she won't have outside help she needs to go to assisted living. Simple as that. If you want to go every day, that is your choice, don't put your choices on your siblings.

Remember, harboring resentment is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die. It will only give you headaches and stomachaches.

My brother, the golden child, did nothing for my mother, that was his choice. My mother lived in one of my rental houses, I saw her once a week. We would do grocery shopping for the week. While I was there I Iooked at her checkbook. took her to lunch. She didn't have access to the stove because she would go to sleep and let the food burn. She thought it was broken. It was electric and I turned it off at the breaker box. She had a microwave and toaster oven that had timer on it like the microwave. I would bring beans or a roast or something else that took a long time to cook. The rest was frozen dinners. The house would get dusty, so what? she refused to have someone help her and I realized that dust wouldn't kill her. She could dust and it was good for her to move around. Mom had one of those "Help I have fallen down and can't get up buttons" I insisted she wear (it was that or go to the dreaded "home"). She live alone until 2 weeks before she passed at almost 95.

Pretty sure you will come to realize that the more you do, the less they do. Typical of most families. Some are caregivers Some are not. Sounds like they have assumed since you are the closest one near mom that it should all fall to you.
Make sure you are set up as POA if you are the one who is carrying all of the responsibilities and probably are the one who knows her best and what SHE wants.
After a while the resentment will fade. It will turn into a sadness to see such selfishness that your mother's own family thinks it is such trouble to be bothered

My brother and I take care of our father and we are both his POAs. I live with dad and do the day to day care with my brother giving me assistance as needed. The two of us discuss what needs to be done make the decision, then we notify the other siblings. It’s a done deal. It seems as if you are the main person in your mothers life, if you don’t have POA at this time, get it. When it comes time for the AL go find one, if you are able to take your mother with you so she can have her input, then the two of you can tell the siblings it’s a place your mom likes.

Start spending her, make that HER money now.
If she needs help with the housework, get someone in 2 times a month. More often if it is needed.
If she needs help with the lawn, or other outside chores, hire someone. (or if your hubby does it, pay him but write out a contract so it is "legal")
If she needs help with ADL (activities of daily living) get someone in to help out. If seems as if she needs more than a little help look into AL facilities. Or if she does not need that much help now maybe a retirement community where she can socialize, take a day trip here and there.
If this is the way it is more likely to go get together at a family meeting. DO not do this in your home or Mom's find some place that would be "neutral ground" If your Mom has any thoughts one way or the other take them into consideration but you have to keep safety in mind, is she safe to remain at home alone? and who will determine when she is not?and what will determine if she is not? Will it be a fall and break, wandering, failing to bathe, leaving the stove on, scalding herself when trying to take a shower or wash the dishes?

You've said it - you do what you do for your mom as a choice. Shouldn't your siblings have that same choice?
They may see you as an enabler of your Mom staying in a lonely and unsafe environment. You've decided that what Mom THINKS is best is actually best and you're expecting your siblings to commit to YOUR decision.
Flip the narrative here and take a look. Apparently, they've decided that Mom should be in a community living environment with socialization all day and constant monitoring of her wellbeing. Why are you standing in the way of their plan?
Mom can no longer live independently. Meals on Wheels and your daily visits are proof of that. So, Mom must have support and once that is the case, she is no longer the sole decision maker. Your commitment to honoring her wishes is understandable, but probably not in her best interest and, apparently, not what your siblings have decided that they are able to commit to.
You're in the thick of it. Try to step back and take an objective look. Using only love as a guide, doesn't always lead to the best decisions.

Moms money is for moms care and quality of life, not an inheritance.

Please use her money to get caregivers in place so she is well taken care of and not alone or lonely. You will need to monitor the aids, which you should get compensated for.

You will read how one person handled everything and when the parent was gone, all hands out and you will get the equal share as all of the deadbeats.

This creates a ton of resentment from all I have read and if mom can afford it, you should avoid it by getting paid for services she would have to pay someone else for.

Get a housekeeper and a gardener, if needed, a companion sitter, someone that will cook her favorite foods. This will be money well spent and you can enjoy visiting with your mom.

She may fuss but it is important for her to understand that for her to remain in her home there are things that need to be in place, let her know that you are exhausted with it and can not continue, the help is as much for you as her.

Lay down your resentment towards your siblings, it is only hurting you. They are not going to change one iota, if not being there for dad didn't wake them up nothing will. Their right and loss.

You will feel so much better when you get mom the help in home she needs that you may even forget those old deadbeats.

Hugs for all you do!

I personally think the deadbeats realize how stressful & heartbreaking Care giving parents is thus their absence. They see exactly what you are going thru & don't want to make that kind of sacrifice. We are all adults now. They know....

I have given up my home & lifestyle to move in with Mom post stroke 3 yrs ago....still working also. My bro & SIL live 5 doors down and do absolutely nothing...they don't call or visit but once or twice a yr....all I asked for was a casserole once a week and my bro to mow her lawn...takes 30 min! I would continue to upkeep the flower gardens & weed eating. Mind you I have to do all of those chores @ my now vacant house as well.

Mom gifted us both several thousands of dollars yrs ago and this is the appreciation he shows her? I have NEVER asked them to do any hands on care.

A cousin who lives in Denmark once suggested that maybe it was my approach. Are you kidding me? That's just another excuse to do nothing. They can come visit when I am working if I am so intolerable! Come on!

When people ask what my Bro does to help I am honest & usually add that I have "no head space" for him meaning I don't want to hash out why he "no shows" Mom.

I think subconsciously I was giving him yet another chance to "man up" as they are both retired now for over a yr. This past Mothers Day when we had the once a yr get together even Mom pleaded with them both to visit. Still nothing!!!!

Our solution was to cut him completely out of the Trust. That is his contribution to Moms care. Should he ask I will thank him for his contribution with no gulit what so ever. I no longer harbor any resentment .....in fact I feel a weight has been lifted!

I hope you can come to some sort of peace too what ever that should look for you in your situation. Hate rots the vessel in which it resides.

xxx000

When the parental glue is no longer there, the family dynamic has been turned on its head.

I agree with Country Mouse. We are family, but individuals with different experiences, expectations and ways of relating to our parents. You can ask for help and will get whatever they can or want to give. It’s also difficult when siblings are retired or near retirement. They’re dealing with their own perceptions of their future end of life.

It seems to be the norm that there’s always one family member who wants to take charge and care for a parent, which, somehow is interpreted by the rest as permission to keep on with their own lives. Also, the main care giver has a tendency to be very sensitive and protective of the parent that may raise personal expectations of what siblings should or shouldn’t do..

I also agree with another response about managing the process by designating duties you need help with and then repeatedly following up with requests for help. If you don’t ask, they won’t know. They will respond or they won’t. Please don’t waste your time with ongoing anger and resentment. It can make you sick.

If you have and maintain a good relationship with siblings, those that will help will show up. There’s nothing you can do about those who won’t help. At the end, you and your siblings will be all you have. What kind of relationship do you want them at that stage?

There is nothing you can do to change anyone else's behavior.

Write it off mentally and do what you know to be right for as long as you can.

Thankfully, when you look in the mirror, your's is the only face you must face every day.

I have been them all in the last 8 years — a resentful caregiver (mom); a shared, overwhelmed, long-distance caregiver (brother); an unappreciated & treated-like-dirt caregiver (FIL); and now a hands-off, you-do-it non-caregiver (MIL). While in the 1st stage (resentful), this forum and a local support group helped me to realize that I can’t expect others to have the same desire, wherewithal, or sense of responsibility that I had. Resenting them was just a waste of precious energy. And it wasn’t my responsibility to plug the holes in her care that I felt were there because my siblings weren’t stepping up to the plate like I thought they should.

Someone here once wrote “”Look after their needs, not necessarily their wants” which was the start of me realizing there was a very big distinction between the two. Heck, we ALL want to stay in our own home until the end. That is normal, just as it is normal for us to try to respect that wish of others. My brother was 600 miles away (he moved there), alone, and battling Stage IV lung cancer. He was adamant about staying in his own home, which caused much stress to the rest of us who had our own lives to live. We were also sharing caregiving/visiting with Mom who was now in a NH. During the last year of my brother’s life, 2 of us would fly down for a week at a time to help him, with the visits getting more & more frequent. For the last 2 months, the 1-2 days between visits we paid someone locally. Was it perfect? No. We did the best we could given the circumstances.

From there we went to assisting FIL who found out he had lung cancer. Since I was semi-retired & had “experience”, his family thought it was “logical” for me to be the primary caregiver/coordinator for both FIL & MIL. With no pay of course but with lots of criticism. The favored daughter who wasn’t working was paid for her little assistance & time though. OK, resentment is now building again! Hubby & I took a little vacation & while we were away, my mom took a turn for the worse. Rushed home to be with her before she passed; 5 weeks later FIL passed.  

In less than 9 months we lost all 3, leaving my NPD MIL left. She moved in with her 2 (divorced) daughters that live together in a very large house & also have 2 friends living with them. The 2 friends do the cooking, laundry, cleaning, etc. in lieu of rent, so it’s a win-win all around. One daughter works FT, the other doesn’t work; yet, they all expected my husband & I to manage everything for MIL but her money.  Money they wanted & MIL freely gave them only thru the years. They expected my husband to project manage the unneeded addition to their house that MIL was going to pay for.  

Which is how we arrived at the hands-off, you-do-it, non-caregiving stage. As someone else here wrote, “If they can’t manage to show you respect, you can’t manage to help.”  

I say all this because going thru the different stages was an eye opening experience. How I thought at the very beginning changed when my role as a caregiver changed. We all have our lives to live and are entitled to LIVE them. I suspect you are at the stage where you want to live your own a little more & can’t figure out how to back off in your caregiving responsibilities so you can enjoy your own life. I know the feeling — been there, done that. I wish you well and hope you figure it out before the resentment eats you up. You can’t force someone else to do something, much as we try.

This also helped my husband & I when it came to my in laws: HELPING is doing something for someone that they are not capable of doing for themselves.  ENABLING is doing things for someone that they can and should be doing for themselves. Again, needs vs wants.

Ahh yes, the hawks will fly and spy from above and swoop down... Yes, your siblings will do it. Get ready for it. The key is have everything lined up and ready to go. If your mom has her final will all set keep it with you. If you manage her then you have a clear understanding of what is needed.

In our situation each family member has done what they can for mom who is now in an memory care facility.  However, a couple of siblings want to dictate when and how often each person should visit and how that visit should take place.  Of course, this is extremely stressful.  How do you handle the guilt trip put on you when you receive very nasty, hateful texts always telling you that you don't do enough and that you don't see mom enough to know what is going on.  They have no clue as to how often anyone visits mom.  Each person has provided mom with what she needs and especially the love she deserves.

Hello you can tell them nicely how you feel. Send them an email, but be nice about it, so it's not going to lead to more stress and a fight. State you would like more help in these areas: 1,2,3. That way they know. Just asking for help won't do. They may do laundry and you wanted help with the lawn. Make it so everyone knows exactly where the help is needed and why.

They probably don't think about doing chores when they come. They are there to visit. If the room looks neat, one doesn't think about who and how it got that way. Write exactly what you need help with. Maybe they can chip in and get a cleaning lady. Maybe they will step up and mow the lawn. Sign her up for meals on wheels. Set food aside and freeze it for mom. Tell them the things you need help with. Just saying you need more help doesnt give them a clue what to do.

My sibling controlled what happened with my mom. I didn't have any say in anything. Never asked for any input. Put down if I gave suggestions. I would be told no to whatever it was. Then she could say look at all I'm doing and she's not. When you can't help, or it will automatically critiqued what's the point? If the person is a control freak one can't do it the way they want anyway. You soon give up.

If your stepping up to take control, they may feel it's being handled. That you want to do it, or are a martyr, or a control freak. Or will say it's not supposed to be done that way. Getting their imput and starting a dialogue will help.

So you just need to ask yourself if you may be doing anything to push them away. I'm not saying you are. I have no idea. I dont know your family. They may be glad it's being handled. They may think you want to be the one in charge. They might be clueless on how to help. Or may feel they aren't included, or consulted in the matter. Maybe a family gathering and meal might help. Maybe skyping to keep everyone up to date may help. Let mom Skype. If everyone knows it can be better to be on the same page.

A nice email is not threatening and perhaps others will step up to the plate. Their way of helping might not be your way, but at least they are trying if they do.
Good luck and I hope you get help you need. Caring for a loved one is hard.

OH I get this so much! My MIL is now under the Guardianship of an elder law attorney. My husband was her DPOA but he was diagnosed with vascular dementia and is not able to carry on. I was doing all the work for MIL and for him.

The sister decided she wanted nothing to do with MIL's care and resigned as an alternate.
However, she called to tell me what I need to communicate to MIL's guardian and by the way, when can she come and clean out the apartment and get the 'stuff' SHE wants.

I got very resentful of her and angry. I don't 'want' anything from my MIL. I just want her to have good care.
SIL and MIL's grand daughter are both good at telling me what to do.
I can now refer them to the attorney.

But for daily things, I still check on MIL and do errands for her when I can as I take care of my own husband too.
Sigh.
Take care.

H'm.

As a mental exercise, can you think what your siblings could do that would change how you feel about them?

You give the vacuum or dusting as an example of small chores. But your mother doesn't see these children every day, and when they're there I expect she'd rather they sat still so she can gaze at them, don't you think?

So what you actually want is for your siblings to duplicate what you do and what you're like, so that you can all share the work equally.

But they're not like you, and they're not in the same situation, and they don't have exactly the same feelings about your mother that you have. That doesn't mean that their feelings are equally valid, you know; it doesn't even mean they don't love her just as much as you do. They see her differently. They see their own roles differently. They see life differently.

They have every right to - and you have every right to think they are scapegrace ingrate mercenary rat-bags. Thoughts are free.

I do sympathise. I had a sister who dropped in every couple of weeks, a brother who approached my mother as though she were root canal treatment without anaesthetic (yes, of course, he was her favourite), and a brother whom mother eventually forgot (I mean literally. She had vascular dementia, and saw him so rarely that he did drop off her radar). I suggested phone calls, emails, post cards; typically, there'd be a little flurry of enthusiasm and then... tumbleweeds.

Your siblings may be privately hoping that your mother will die before she suffers pain or indignity, you know. If they're that bit older than you, their perspective on old age and death may have altered since you all last discussed it. Just a thought.

Can I ask - how did you get on with them before this phase in the family's life?

Kristin246,

I can totally relate and understand your situation. I worked for an assisted living and saw in other families & experienced in my own family- that the largest part of the responsibility for caring for parent(s) often falls upon one child. For whatever reason, the other(s) usually never or minimally contribute towards the help. Having said that, I would keep them informed but give up the resentment- it is a total waste of time, only hurts you, and distracts you from concentrating on the best thing you can do- taking care of your mom. I spent upwards of a year resenting my sibling, who lived 20 minutes away, and contributed only lip service to everything- choice of doctor, hospital visits, home care and all errands. In the end, I was the sole caregiver. The hurt and resentment really bothered me, and as a Christian, I prayed about it and the Lord gave me peace that I was not in charge of siblings but myself. He gave me resources and His wisdom to take care of my parents.
If I were you, I would stay laser focused only on what you can do, and if possible, build community through your friendships, Church, mom’s doctor, etc that can assist you on this journey.

Caring for our parents is very much in His will, and if He leads us to do something, He will provide for us in it. I can tell you many examples where He provided for my parents and used me to initiate the situation or get help where needed. Your mom has a true blessing in you, and the Lord Jesus will bless you for helping her. He advocates for the elderly! Many blessings and a prayer are being sent to you from me!!

Geewizz's answer is worth following up in more ways than one. Tell your siblings that you have run out of puff to do all the things you have done up to now, and that if mother is to stay at home you (and she) will be hiring help to support her, for which she will pay. Give a list of all the things it will cover, and the approximate costs. Include a $ payment for your time in doing and organising whatever still falls down to you. Say that doing so will give you the chance to be a daughter again, not a care giver, and to enjoy the socialising times with her that mean so much to your siblings. This with luck will mean:
1) They get a better understanding of what you do, the $ value of it, and the impact on you.
2) They may decide to do more, to save her money for their inheritance even if not for better reasons. If they follow through, it would help you and her.
3) By telling them in advance, you give them a chance to come up with better options, and you protect yourself from future arguments about 'where has the money gone'.
4) If and when it comes to AL choices, they should at least have a better idea of what is needed.

Good luck!

Visiting nurses in our area provided in home foot care for my mom and dad. Also checked their blood pressure, asked them questions to make sure they had adequate food intake. They were very helpful and no charge.

Not to defend your siblings, but, just to try to explain, that it can be stressful, monitoring and assisting a love one who is struggling in their home. Plus, the more they hear and see the help she needs, the more responsibility they have to help. So they choose to ignore it.

Also, people just don't get it. They seem to think that things will magically happen. Plus, mom is a trooper and she can manage, may be their mentality. Has anyone been blunt with them? I doubt it would matter. I agree about hiring the services that a LO needs to come in, if she can afford it. It takes a lot to run the household of a senior, when you are working full time and running your own household, it's not very feasible.

I would make sure that mother has her affairs in order with DPOA and HCPOA, appointing someone who is committed to being her advocate, despite other siblings interference. I'd try to build some tough skin if that is you and get ready to stand your ground. I've found that being resentful isn't that productive and I don't have the time for it, either.