After broken shoulder, gall bladder surgery, fibromyalgia, bad knees and arthritis of spine andlgl leukemia. She is bedridden for nearly a year now, can't even sit up without assitance let alone use commode by bed, so diaper changes all time. Have nurse once a week and therapy 3 times week, after 45 days in nursing home which showed no improvement. I have become very resentful of taking care of her with no help from anyone, Nurse and therapy will stop coming soon and I will be totally alone again. I fly off in a tirade at the slightest things. Have not been physically violent yet but i can see it coming. She is as good as she will ever be in my eyes, and I am getting worse with each passing day. I cannot take this anymore, I want a life. she is 72 I am 62 and still working so needless to say I am always exhausted physically and mentall, which she does not understand. I don't think I will be able to contain myself much longer. What do I do, where do I turn? With all her physical ailments, she can't even get sit up in bed by herself. Now I have to give her meds to her one pill at a time andmake sure she takes them as she is unable to do it on her own. And she takes only one at a time and takes quite a while with each pill which agravates me to no end, i don't have time for this, especially in mornings when I have to get ready for work. I am at wits end and need relief one way or another. She is also a hoarder, which has been a brutal battle for years, she has stolen my life from me living in a warehouse not a home, and I am very
hateful about it all. I have no life, no one even been in our house for 20 years except her family. I have managed to clean the kitchen out, which has become my safe haven but as soon as i go there, she starts hollering for me, which i ignore alot. Is only a matter of time before I dont know what is going to happen. But I know it is coming. Im 62 I have a chance for some type of life yet. I have no friends to call on, because of her hoarding and her family is all that matters to her, mine are, according to her, nothing at all. Where do i turn, what do i do, how can i control me and not end up ------------?
It sounds like there were some issues here going back decades. The hording which made it impossible for you to entertain friends as you would have liked, and some kind of a disconnect from your family in favor of her family. Somehow you stuck it out together without resolving these issues, but now the additional nightmare of your wife's disabilities has put you at the edge. As everyone has said, get help. I'd start with social services. Or ask to talk to the social worker at the rehab facility. Or contact a religous organization. Pick a place to start and then get the ball rolling. Do some online research tomorrow and start Monday making contacts. Take time off work to do it if you have to. This is critical.
You do indeed have a chance for a good life yet. As you reclaimed the kitchen you can gradually reclaim the rest of the "warehouse" and return it to a home you can be proud to relax in and entertain guests. You can start to reconnect with your own family. This can't happen overnight and it will take a lot of effort. You can't work full time, take care of your wife full time, and reclaim your environment and your family ties all at once. Get help taking care of your wife. This is not optional.
Were you able to cope better while your wife was in rehab for 6 weeks? Since she is bedridden and needs total care (what happens when you ar at work?) would placement in a facility be the best option? If you were relieved of the maintenance chores of giving her her pills, diapering her, bathing her, feeding her, you might actually have some energy to reestablish a more loving relationship with her.
If not in a care facility, then in your own home get help to provide her needs. Get a hospital bed that she can sit up in. Get advice from the therapist that comes now about what you could do to make care more convenient in your own home. Then follow up on that advice.
You deserve a chance at a better life. I have a feeling that things are not going to get better on their own. And it sounds like you are afraid they are going to get worse. Please, please take some steps to get practical help immediately.
And let us know what you are doing and how it is working.
3 suggestions: (1) drop by Social Services and explain your wife needs a level of care you can't provide alone; (2) contact her family for assistance; and (3) once you've set some kind of support system reach out to your own relatives for emotional support.
Now about the marriage vows I hear so much about in this forum. My wife and I supported each other in every way. When she walked out for 1 1/2 years over her inability to be a "normal" parent, I kept the boys and the door open. Instead of having fun like every young adult, we got married and had kids. So I could understand her desire to catch up with whatever she missed out on. To make a long story short, she passed away 1 year after we reconciled. ... All in all those 9 years of marriage, however, were the best of my life. I have no doubt our paths will merge again.
You don't sound like the quitter type, so don't even think of throwing in the towel. There are options you won't be able to exercise until you communicate your needs. Asking for help doesn't make you any less of man.
Jackienickname, going to a religious counselor, whether you believe that faith or not, is a quick and low-threshold way to get help. They will know of resources in the community to help. Does your wife's family have any capacity to help? Tell someone how close you are to meltdown. For everryone's sake, sending good vibes.
Carol
This is vital so please call now.
Carol