My Mother passed away 6 months ago. Mom paid all the bills, cooked, ran the household and drove prior to her death. My 88 year old Father was frail and in the early stages of dementia so asked him if he would come live me and He readily agreed. After a mourning period of about 3 months I started taking Dad to the local Retirement Center to meet some people. Dad met a 71 year old woman and in a short period of time has started a relationship with her. At first I was happy about this but several worrisome issues have cropped up:
He has decided he can drive again and has started driving his old 1992 Cadillac. He drives very slowly and has left the car running and the doors wide open when he comes home. I worry about him hurting himself or others.
He has started spending most of his retirement checks. He has no bills but he draws out about $2,200.00 cash each month and it is disappearing. He told me he was paying for his girlfriends bills, buying her groceries etc. To make matters worse she has a 50 year old brother who has been in Prison twice for armed robbery. Her brother is currently living with her and he uses her car to get around and also borrows money from her. Dad is consumed with anger toward this Brother and tells me that he is going to have to handle the situation somehow. Dad has a permit to carry guns and has two of them in his car. It is a volitile situations.
Another major concern is that Dad seems obsessed with sex. He has started taking Cialis and I am worried about his heart. He also talks about sex in an inappropriate way around me and my husband. Apparently he and his lady friend have been pretty active in this department.
My Dad is former Military and has always been a little rough around the edges, but he was a good Father and Husband to my Mom. I am seeing a totally different side to him and I'm wondering if it could be attributed to his dementia. I'm really worried about him and don't know what to do.
Getting an elder declared unfit to drive is extremely difficult. The police really have no power until he gets in an accident. DMV don't seem to have any power as long as he passes the vision test at least in our part of NYS. The Drs can . tell their patients they are unsafe to drive but can't enforce it. The only redress is to disable the car so it can't be driven.
It was very nice of you to offer to have your father live with you after your mother's death. perhaps you can have him pay a substantial amount each month for his board and keep and you could set that money aside secretly for his future needs.
As far as the guns are concerned capthardass answered that question in another post on a way to disable them which was not apparent to the owner but I can't remember his advice and don't know if it would work with an old soldier.
And finally you need to contact an elder care lawyer to see what your legal options are.
The girl friend and her brother may be extorting money from your dad but you would have to find evidence that they are doing something illegal.
As far as sex and the cialis are concerned. Only six pills are allowed each month so that may limit his activity in that department. Also consider that he may not have been very active with his wife in the final years of her life and feels the need to "make up for lost time" as far as inappropriate remarks about sex in your home, it is your home and here you and your husband set the rules so simply do not allow it and if he persists simply leave the room. also be aware that he may be contacting sexually transmitted diseases from this woman.
My Brother has obtained POA and most of Dad's assets are in a Family Trust and not easy to access so I don't worry about the bulk of his estate. I hope and pray my Dad gets better but we will probably be more involved in managing things for him.
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