Luckily I'm retired and can visit often, sometimes even twice a day. But I'm getting tired of going every single day and also now I hardly stay an hour. Then I feel guilty leaving. Everyone once in a while he's with it enough to share a story or memory.
We have nothing to talk about. He doesn't understand when I say something and usually I can't understand what he is trying to say. Sometimes we look at pictures together. Or maybe he's good enough to make a video call and I'll help him get through it (mostly it's me just talking to the other person myself). He's not only got dementia, he is nearly deaf.
I take him for a wheel chair ride. I'm trying to think of other things to do so that he knows I'm there and he's loved. Any suggestions? How much time visiting is "enough"?
Going for a wheelchair ride is a nice idea, but you could sit near him and read, watch t.v. together, organise his underwear drawer - the activity is less important than the Being There.
Hugs to you, you are doing a brilliant thing.
You also asked for suggestions. It sounds like you're doing everything you can, so I don't have any suggestions, just a story. My dad usually thought I was his dad (sometimes one of his brother's and infrequently his son) and he almost always asked me to take him home where his mom was waiting for him (or us, not sure). I learned to always tell him all I had was a bicycle, so it was too late today, but we could go home first thing in the morning, after a good night's sleep and a nice hot breakfast. That usually satisfied him, but when it didn't, we would walk the halls together looking for an exit and a ride home. Often other residents would hear our conversation and they'd want us to take them home, so I'd tell them the same fib about going first thing in the morning and that would usually satisfy them, too.
It's been a little over two years since my dad died in my arms and I think about him every day and the things I did well and the things I failed to do well. I'm grateful the pandemic didn't begin while he was alive as I don't know how I would have handled that. As it was, I feel twin guilts of not having been with him enough and of neglecting my family too much.
Kudos to you for visiting your dad as often as you do. I suspect it makes more difference to him and to the staff than you might think it does. Best wishes for both you and your dad.
You can’t really do a ‘conversation’, you are really ‘entertainment’. My FIL wasn’t too deaf, and I read aloud to him. One option was the poetry he learned at school and half remembered. In Oz, I started with The Man From Snowy River. Perhaps in the US, Hiawatha is the same sort of thing. I remember once in the room of old men patients, you could hear a pin drop as they all strained to hear as well. After that I spoke louder! Another thing that is very familiar is the Sermon on the Mount (Mathew Chapters 7,8 & 9, I think). You can see the face light up when they recognise a bit.
A different option is to take something for him to feel, a different thing every time. Touch is important. It could be your child’s soft toy, it could be Rubic’s Cube. It’s a different sensation for him, and something to talk about for a few minutes. Take it away, it can come back another time.
The one that never fails is just to sit there and hold his hand. Little strokes and squeezes every minute or two. Yes, the visit length isn’t so important, and he may remember it for longer than you think. Best wishes, Margaret