Realised this week that this is his main issues - he just cannot cope with being ill.
This week he swore blind he was really ill, wasn't sleeping etc etc. Of course, when I get there he's got a minor cold - not even that bad! Not the first time.
In the last few years, he's called ambulance many times, called his GP to his house many times. Both of which now refuses to come.
He's feigned chest pains/can't breath more than once to both me and the professionals. He argues with doctors who say they can't do any more - usually re: his knees (which at 84 aren't going to get better). (In all honestly, he's not too bad for 84).
He once had a chest infection that doctors told him about 10 times he needed to just rest. He was convinced he needed to be in hospital - they refused. Next day he "hit his head" on the cupboard and ended up in hospital (Where he wanted to be all along). 99.9% sure this was self-inflicted to get his way.
He gets into a state too because he's ill. Makes it 100x worse. He had an issue with swallowing. Doctor told him it was a stress related thing. He wouldn't listen - he always says theres no such thing as mental illness, depressions, stress etc- its all made up by people who are attention seeking. (yeh right Dad!)
Part of the problem is he's got an idea in his head that if you're ill you go to the doctor they give you a pill or something and you're cured. Simple as that! Obviously, its more complicated than that.
As he gets older I worry about how he's going to be. He has a cold now and he tells me how ill he is, how he's not got long left, and how down he is.
In all honesty, I hope he goes when his time is right and I'd hate to see him have a long period of actually being properly ill because he wouldn't cope at all. Is that awful of me?
Don't ask dad if he wants to go. " I'm taking you to lunch today, dad. Hop in the car".
In my experience, trying to get someone of your dad's age and mindset to agree to something he's made up his mind about is useless. You have to show him. Not tell him.
"Dad don't you think it's time you thought about living somewhere you can be better looked after?"
"Dad, we're having lunch at a place called Llys Enfys* today, get in the car."
Once there, you do have lunch first; and then you leave it to the people who know what they're doing to show your Dad round. And if he doesn't take to it, what have you lost?
*e.g.
It didn’t sound as though his main issue was that he couldn’t cope with being ill - more like he couldn’t cope with not being the centre of attention. My own last post to you was to stop worrying about him, and your reply actually agreed. Now the more important issue, and the one that you can control, is how you and your wife and children are going to cope with him as his trials progress.
I am sure that this is very hard to handle – you have been socialised into this for your entire child and adult life. But you are an intelligent man. Think about it.
That he wants to go to hospital seems like he would be a prime candidate for AL or senior housing or even a LTC facility. He can have his needs met and have as much interaction with others as he pleases.
I would focus on getting him placed sooner than later. I bet he is as happy as a clam once he gets in and settled.
I agree he'd be better off but as in my other post hes set in his ways and won't even consider it. I know he'd be better.
When he has been in hospital he loves it. Goes on about how lovely the nurses are etc. That Dad to a T - he likes to be fussed over.
Being somewhere where a nurse/carer could fuss him every single day would be ideal for him.
That doesn't mean he ought to have been admitted to hospital for treatment. If he has chronic lung disease it's going to flare up from time to time and it's not appropriate to treat it in hospital. It means he ought to be living with more support.
You can pat his hand and say poor you and let what will come to pass come to pass.
Or.
You can look on this as an operational project: source the right care home or sheltered housing; go and look at it; talk to the admissions manager; organise an assessment for your dad; take him to it as a fixed appointment and fait accompli; and essentially boss him into moving.
It doesn't matter which route you pick, but you'll be more comfortable if you plump for one or the other.
No he doesnt have lung disease at all.....
People want to know that others care and and that's why they call the dr., go to the ER, want to get hospitalized... They then feel that they're being cared for.
If you are able to simply be empathetic to how your father feels without discussing his "illnesses", you may have greater ease in your life.
You could say something along the lines of:
"I understand, Dad, how sick you feel. It's really hard to go through this feeling that your body is falling apart on you. Being elderly certainly isn't easy and I really admire how hard you work to stay healthy. It's a real challenge and I admire your resilience in dealing with everything that happens to you."
If he says that you should then take him seriously and get him to the hospital, tell him that you understand his frustration that the hospital and doctors don't seem to fully understand the extent of his complaints... Since he doesn't believe in depression or emotional/stress induced symptoms, I'd simply stay focused on validating how he feels that he cannot get the help he so desperately wants.
I have found that when we validate how someone feels we can help to ease some of the pressure and tension and reduce some of the demands and perceived emergencies...
Wishing you ease... and we breathe
I did all of this one Xmas day. Spent hours and hours at his house when he was down like this - Literally saw my 3 year old for about an hour or two that day. Its not something I am willing to repeat - its just not fair.
Warfarin is an anticoagulant. So is aspirin, and so are all aspirin's descendants - ibuprofen, diclofenac, naproxen, all the NSAIDs. So if your father takes NSAIDs with the warfarin he's at risk of a serious bleed. Hence he's stuck with paracetamol (which I happen to know is not regarded as a painkiller at all in Eastern Europe, as my Romanian dentist told me), codeine or, if things get extreme, tramadol. If he's not taking co-codamol as advised, I'm not surprised he's not being offered anything else.
I must admit that during last night's conversation I wouldn't have lost a bit of sympathy. I would have got in my car, driven over there, and stuffed them down his throat. Sue me. My father used to drive us up the wall like this - he'd be having rigors with 'flu but would he take a couple of aspirin? Would he heck as like. Much sooner howl the house down with how dreadful he felt. He "cured" his swollen knee with a packet of frozen peas, and wrapped a shot in a tea towel to use as a weight for strengthening his quadriceps. It wasn't until their excellent GP managed to get on top of a dose of gout, and he came gambolling down the stairs saying he felt like a spring lamb, that he believed any medicine had value.
You could rehearse: "Dad. I'm sick of this. Take two co-codamol as directed, and the senna before bed. Don't call me again unless you've done that."
You have to say it like you mean it. But you'd be doing him a favour.
The idea behind the 2nd opinion was for someone else to tell him the same thing and it might sink into his thick head. Like I said he asks me what he should do? I say listen to the GP!!!! I don't know - Im an IT consultant. I can tell him about Virtual servers in Solaris but sod all about pain meds ;-)
Yes I know he needs to be told...
I do say no to him a lot more now. Admitedly, some times its easier to just say no I'm working. Probably should just tell him straight.
I guess part of me is coming to terms with the fact that its not me being selfish and heartless towards him. Probably why I post what he does because everyone agrees that his behaviour was not right and that I was right not to fall for it.
But the mistake is to think that you can solve it, just because that's the answer he reaches for the whole time. There are better answers, that will work better for him. Your not going nuts with frustration and overwork is just the icing on the cake. The actual cake is better quality of life for him.
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