My dad is bipolar and has dementia. He’s been living in an assisted living facility for two months. He thought he was only going to be there for 30 days or until he “got better” and doesn’t understand why he can’t come home. When we explain that my elderly mom could no longer take care of him he says he is better and doesn’t need someone to help him. Which of course is untrue. He has used my mom as a servant their entire marriage. He can’t cook, clean, use the restroom or barely walk without someone assisting him.
He harasses my mom everyday (because she visits) to spend the night. He doesn’t understand why she won’t stay longer then a couple hours or allow him to come home for a night every once in a while. He doesn’t understand that she was unhappy in the marriage for years and is just beginning to put her life back together. He was a hoarder to top it off and we’re just beginning to clean the house so it’s livable. We thought he would eventually get used to the facility and stop harassing her but he hasn’t. He says he doesn’t want to be intimate, he just wants to cuddle. They’ve been married for 45 years but my mom doesn’t want to stay the night. How do we answer him when he asks? What do we say when he gets upset when she says no and then he asks us to leave? Maybe she needs to stop visiting for a while?
Thank you!
the daughter
Make a new plan; visit X amount of times in a month and no more. Plan the visit around meal time so there's something to actually DO besides sit there and talk about sleep over's and why she can't and making up 'therapeutic fibs' and all that jazz. Sit down to a meal at the ALF, and then go for a nice walk around the grounds, or sit down for a rousing game of bingo, and voila, it's time to leave. Sorry dear, it's against regulations for me to spend the night, as much as I'd love to. See you next time. And off you go. Substitute some in-person visits for phone calls, keep the duration short, and end the calls when the subject gets around to When Are You Coming to Visit and Spend the Night? With dementia, their attention span is severely limited ANYWAY, so hopefully he'll forget and let the matter go. The key with dementia folks asking repetitive questions is to redirect them; change the subject; draw his attention to something else. Bring along a photo album and pop it out when the talk gets back to sleeping over. Bring a few snacks.........it's amazing how a snack can divert a person's attention ENTIRELY away from the subject he was obsessing about 2 seconds ago.
I know it's hard for your dad, but it's hard for your mom, too. Let her know it's okay for her not to devote all her time and energy to him in the ALF. He's fine, he's being taken care of, and his needs are being tended to. There is entertainment, activities, friends to make and chat with, and meals and snacks to keep him busy.
And finally, Google dementia coping techniques and you'll find a ton of helpful information on the subject.
Wishing you the best of luck moving forward
When I was a caregiver to my mom she went into the hospital after a fall. I was like your mom and went daily to visit her. Why? I knew that she was scared. I was concerned and I went. If it had been moving into a facility permanently I would not have gone daily. When she was in rehab I went nearly everyday but skipped a couple of days. We had issues that I needed to monitor, follow up with and be her advocate. Otherwise, I would have taken a bit more time for myself.
Anyway, I was exhausted in the evening and couldn’t wait to go home and get sleep because I hadn’t had the house to myself in years.
The very first evening that mom was in the hospital she said to me, “Why don’t you spend the night instead of driving home when you are tired?” I was shocked that she would suggest spending the night and was about to answer, telling her no that I would not spend the night, when the nurse promptly told her, “Your daughter is exhausted and needs a good night’s sleep.” Mom would not dream of contradicting her. After that mom did not ask.
I think she was thinking about how she spent the night with me when I was 12 to remove my tonsils and expected me to do the same. In many ways, we do become their parents but I never wanted mom to lose her dignity because I cared for her. She had been in the hospital before without someone spending the night. I think she had a certain amount of fear. I felt bad that she was scared but I knew that she was in good hands.
Sadly, she didn’t feel the same for me. She felt it was okay to treat me as a child in my home instead of a grown woman.
When your dad starts to complain....redirect the conversation. He doesn't sound like he was ever a happy go lucky, content, self sufficient person and assisted living is not going to make that happen. Odds are he will complain the entire time he lives there. Make sure they have him appropriately medicated to treat his issues.
At the time she was admitted to AL, she was able to do many things for herself but that changed the first week in the ALF. She fell out of bed in the middle of the night and hit her head. She went to the ER and had blood tests and X-rays that showed a significant decline in her health. In addition to dementia, she has COPD and congestive heart failure. She was admitted to hospice when she was discharged from the hospital. Her condition rapidly declined to the point she is so weak she can’t sit up, use the toilet or feed herself. She begs me to take her hone with me every time I go see her (2 times a day to feed her). I tell her I’m not able to care for her physically or mentally in my home and I think it’s time she goes to a nursing home where she will get more help and have a roommate for company. She says she is scared at the ALF she’s at now. She has hallucinations of being somewhere besides where she is and people she used to know.
I'm going to get her set up today at a NH and pray that she understands. She is good at making me feel awful for not taking her home with me. I think we have to do what is best for ourselves bc they have lost all ability to be rational. They have become childlike. Would we let our children tell us they don’t want medical care?
Good luck to you and everyone having this situation with a parent. It is the hardest thing I’ve had to do since her headaches has declined. 🤗🤗
I agree visit less. She doesn't need to go everyday.