Dad is 90 years old with vascular dementia and very crippled knees. He needs 24/7 care due to falling and other health needs. He is in deep denial that anything is wrong with him. He is highly agitated and angry with my sister and I, he thinks it's our fault he's in assisted living. The fact is, state elder care, pretty much forced him to be put there. (long story) He's been living in Assisted Living for 6 months and my sister and I are now in the process of organizing an auction and renting his home to assist with the cost of his assisted living. Due to his anger and anxiety, his doctor thought we should not tell him. The nurse at the facility said we should tell him, due to our small town, he'll hear it from someone else. We are now confused on what to do and if we do, how we will discuss it with him, due to his high anxiety and anger, toward us. Although he is angry and shows great anxiety when we visit, Assisted Living Nurse and other caregivers there say he's doing great. Was wondering if anyone else had a similar situation and how they handle it.
If it does need come up I'd mention that renting the house to keep it in good shape and bring in some money seems like a good plan "for now", it's not like you've sold it. I'd steer clear what has happened to his possessions if possible or mention that you sorted through some of the stuff that wasn't needed but you know where everything he needs is (true).
I suggest you keep very good records. If you r auctioning off furniture than it must be worth something. If you ever need Medicaid, they will want to know what you got for his stuff.
Could it make him less trusting, more suspicious, more agitated?
I think the nurse’s intention may be honorable, but no, it wouldn’t have worked for MY LO, the last of a wonderful family who occupied the same home for 130 years, now in the process of being sold.
Her lawyer suggested that she be taken from the AL where she has slowly s l o w l y adjusted, to the home in which she was born, and shown the things she grew up with and loved in case she wanted them distributed to any of her nieces and nephews........
She was SO STRONG, and worked SO HARD to stay in that house, then because she couldn’t deal with the stairs and the rugs and the checking account and the laundry.
She knew herself that the house was no longer safe for her, and when she left for the AL she constantly wanted to get HOME, and finally we had the good fortune to have access to a quiet, gentle psychiatric PA., who recommended the smallest dose of an anti anxiety/anti depression medication, and.......we began to see her again as more like herself.
If you choose NOT to tell your dad about his losses, you may need to cover anything said to him by visitors by telling a small fib. Or a large fib. Whatever makes him comfortable and peaceful.
If you are uncomfortable “fibbing”, imagine how uncomfortable he must be with what he’s hearing as his dementia tainted “truth”.
Caring for a dear loved one with dementia is making the best choice among a bunch of unimaginably difficult choices, and remembering that he entrusted his care to you because he knew you’d make the hard choices out of your love for him and a desire that he be well cared for by compassionate professionally trained experts.
Be grateful that he’s “doing great”, and spare him stress that isn’t necessary for him to be even trying to understand.
I would let anyone who might come to visit know that he isn't able to really understand and process the need for additional income and you made the decision for his wellbeing but you haven't tried to explain it to him and ask if they would not tell him.
If he finds out you can explain that you felt it was in his best interest to use his house to generate more income for his immediate needs. Which is true, unless specifically brought up I wouldn't mention selling his stuff. It will be a bigger loss for him to know everything is gone.
You are doing a great job, don't feel bad and remember he does great until he sees you. I actually watched my dad without his knowing and I personally found that he was indeed fine but the staff exaggerated the good and he exaggerated the bad and the truth was a happy in between.