Where do I start. Mom is 89 and Dad is 91. He still drives, but shouldn't; he has told us (three siblings) that even if we take away his license he would still drive. Dad is very very mean; no this did not become of lately, he has been mean all his life. His way or the highway. This has become increasingly worse. He is VERY independent and does not like when you explain to him you want to help, Dad will take it as he is weak. Yeah he is weak, he is 91. But in his mind he is 51. Most of the times I can let things role, but yesterday broke the straw. My husband and his brother planted our garden with everything Dad wanted. Every row is marked with what it has in it. Dad was already planted over the carrots and yesterday he planted right over the okra and beans. He wanted his OWN role of okra, so with no regard to my husband and his brother, he planted his okra. I know all of you will say it is just a garden and to be glad he can still do it, BUT this is with everything. He breaks things constantly around the house. We have "old-aged" proofed it, but things seem to find him. When he breaks our stuff he hides it or tries to fix it (always looking horrible). He never apologies and will never replace it. I have had it up to my eyeballs. I am wanting to move, but I will still be the one taking care of them. My older sister has a husband with bipolar, brother has a wife that is, well not stable, and my other sister just lost her husband and has her daughter and three grandchildren living with them. So I am in a pickle. I feel guilty about not wanting to help, but I am being honest. My poor husband deserves the gold metal for having patience with them, but he is able to walk away from them more than I can.
My heart goes out to each and everyone of you. This is not easy and until someone walks in our shoes, they do not understand. I am glad I found this site where I may vent. I cannot talk to my siblings cause they have their own problems and I do not want to burden them with more.
Thanks for listening. Have a wonderful day.
Jett
Just wanted to share my story with someone who can probably relate.
Lini
I only have one brother and he doesnt do anything to help.
My husband and My children are saints for bearing with me on a daily basis because my mother keeps me so stressed out. My mother is so strong willed and maniplitive. She is addicted to sweepstakes and the lottery. I have done everything I know to do to keep her from being taken by this type of fraud but my mother tells me that I am stealing the only joy she has and she says she enjoys the sweepstakes although she has been taken for thousands and thousands of dollars. My time is consumer by her financial affairs, and just her daily life in general.
I feel sorry for my husband, children and grandson. I would love to spend more time with them but I mother is constantly calling, or creating some type of crisis to insure that I stay focused on her.
I hope that I never place burdens on my children the way my mother has created burdens of pressure in my life.
My dad is 80 and now he is having health problems...I will be the only one to take care of him as well.
I never thought I would live my life like this...I can understand people whom would want to take there own life.... When I feel so consumed I call on the Lord and He gives me strength to do what I need to from moment to moment.
I just know ...this too shall pass.
OK all my brave words why do I still feel so guilty I can't sleep???
Yep. Been there. Still there. Grew up there. Haven't been able to move away from there. They are so selfish. We give, and give, and give, and they take, and take, and take...and WE feel guilty. So is something wrong with them, or is something wrong with US?
My mother always quoted some erodite guy about how you can 'never escape your early beginnings.' They reared us up with the notion that we are responsible to them and they still expect us to be their parents. I have been bringing them up all my life.
Obligation is the strongest and most powerful of all emotions. It is supposed to be love. Sometimes I wonder if I am inadvertantly doing to the people that I actually love, the things that my parents are doing to me. Somehow that cycle must stop. My brother has no problem walking away...but that is his way of taking. Three takers one giver. It wears you down. I don't think I have much left to give. My husband calls it family equity, but they never deposited.
Bless you all. Not all parents are good parents... but we are good people and this is what we do. A hug to all of you.
Well now mom and dad are in assisted living in an exquisite facility. But I gotta tell ya I had the most priceless moment this weekend.
My mother is the mean one. She's ridden my fanny over my weight gain for so many years it became a joke between my husband and I. My mom would tell me about all sorts of diets, cut out articles, insult me in front of others, and the list just goes on and on.
Well, the hospital put my mother on Megace (appetite increaser) because my mother dropped down to 74 lbs trying to starve herself (too long a story to go into). Well in about 8 weeks she went from 74 lbs to 121 lbs. I laugh because she's NEVER been over 115 lbs in her life!! What was priceless you ask?
When I saw her this weekend, she started complaining and I quote, "I can't believe how fat I am!" I looked up at her and told her flat out (I have my husband who can testify), "What goes around comes around. Perhaps you should talk to your doctor."
OH MAN did I get the glare between those chubby cheeks. It was vindication at its finest! Patience always brings it back around, but its just a matter of how long can one hold on?
Keep hanging in everyone! Selfishness is a disease and learning boundaries and to say no while they hurt is one of the toughest things you'll ever have to do.
Jett, I wonder how people get out of pickles? May all your metals be gold. I hereby crown you queen!
And here's looking at you, Rita: priceless!
Lini, I pray you have a blessed and happy marriage. Enjoy and cling to HIM!
alicmb, you're a treasure!
Good point gvergrl. Family equity? (funny!) More like family deficit.
Stay a hero BABYBOOMER!
Bless you kyredhead12!
Thanks for the laughs, mitzipinki. I think your Mom and mine exchanged notes. Aren't we awesome to put them in exquisite facillities? Good looking out!
This thread made me smile, even though it hits so close to home and heart. I'm glad I can still laugh. Thanks, everyone. Wouldn't it be a hoot to all get together at once? I mean for real? Hawaii? Heaven? Hope to see you there!
I'm with you...I can't believe the guilt! My mom was rarely there for me as a child...she didn't go to my high school graduation and she didn't act liked she cared when I graduated from broadcasting school!!! She seemed as if she had better things to do than listen to my demo (for commercials). And now she expects me to be there for her every blinking moment!!! Argues all the time and dosen't want me to comment back...tells me im being disrespectful!!! Well she wouldn't let me speak my mind as a child and I'll be bleep, bleep, bleep if I'm going to let her do this to me as an adult!!!
Hey Anne,
Yes, it would be great if we all could get together and go to a fun place to let out some steam together!!! To laugh and cry...more laughter though!!!
Hang in there!!!
Jazzy
My brother doesn't help and really doesn't know how.Anything I did was not to her satisfaction and I was the bad kid. The baby my brother is the angel. No problems but he is a chronic liar.Has got caught many times and he still gets away with it. I truly beleive if did something seriously worng he walk away scott free just becuase he is the baby. She spoiled him rotten and I did too but that was becuase we went through allot of foster homes and I was the oldest taking care both of us.
When she adopted him it was all about the baby. She forgot me and my dad and I had a sweet relationship wish I think to this day she still jealous of. So, I people I understand they all can be selfish and run us to the ground. I wonder what it is with this generation just reading what people write about they all seem the same did they all come out of the same hole( like that Wendy's commercial He-he) Yeah your right Anne we would have a ball and laugh our heads off and praise one another.
Lord help these broken ones that have endured the pain of this group of people. We love them but we are damned if we do and damned if we don't. I am sure God is watching us all. So , we keep being the disciples we are to our parents. Maybe one day God will help them to see the Light.
Amen
Now I hear the stories and her "demands" and they scoff. Now when the med techs see me or the caregivers, we have a good chuckle. Sometimes we go to visit just the staff and they ask "Are you going to see your mother?" I look at them and reply, "Do I look sick to you? Take my temp!" we all chuckle and I do what I need to do then leave.
My mother's selfishness led me to a lot of problems emotionally. Denial about my childhood, anger about her treatment towards me, and a struggling marriage because I did not see a normal marriage growing up. Make sure you get GOOD counseling! In my case I only recommend a Christian counselor, but hey. The one thing I can tell those of you who deal with a vindictive cruel parent... you can't get blood from a stone. Don't expect something you will never receive. Just move on and find a way to cope. Seriously.
Thank you all for being here and showing we are not alone. It makes the days so much easier! Neon if you're reading this, I'm glad you're surfacing again. I hope you are doing better!!
My Dad wasn't mean, just distant. And angry at times. My Mom was the selfish, mean one. Egg shells don't make for good flooring. There were always elephants in our living rooms and other wild beasts in the rest of the house. My sister and I both still struggle today. But after 12 years of marriage, and lots of good Christian Biblical counseling, my husband says I'm doing better than I was. You know we have to in order to show compassion to the ones who were not so nice to us at times. But you know, I was a brat, too. I can't just blame my Mom totally. Yeah they bear some of the responsibility, but not all. It is just time for me to grow up. And forgive. And take care of the ones who once cared for me. I thank God I can do it. It is a privilege, and a way to honor them, even if I don't like Mom at times.
It's hard to do for someone who's difficult to please. But when my thinking is right, I remember we are commanded to love our neighbor. It's easy to love the nice ones. It is definitely harder to love and show compassion to the prickly pears. But Jesus did it. He loved me when I was lost and broken and ugly and mean and selfish. He loves you, too.
upthecreek, God can heal the broken ones. (I know, because he's working on me.) But it does hurt, and it does take awhile.
And this site has been a Godsend. You ladies, too.
Here is a song for everyone to enjoy. Dance in the Rain by Marvin Mumford hope his Music blesses you all.
Have a blessed day.
My husband is always trying to tell me that I am not going to get what I want from my parents. He is correct. They are in the twilight of their lives. If I have not earned their love, respect, or trust by now, then I should not go there expecting any. If I could only break the cycle, do what needs to be done with dispassion, then perhaps I could be more to all of us. Leaving hurt, and angry, and furious at myself for being the good guy, and yet beating myself up for not being 'good enough' for them...as I wipe up the pee around the toilet (He must see double and picks the wrong one)... It has to stop. Perhaps It is Stockholm syndrome. But if we do not do this, then who will?
My grand parents were so loving and kind. It was easier to care for a kind grateful person. My parents never said I love you. no hugs, no compassion... after 46 years, one would think I would have figured it out that they aren't normal. Something is missing in them, and I need to realize that it won't develop anytime in this life of theirs. It is funny though, mom calls dad a 'lump" and dad calls mom 'unloving.' They see it in each other but not themselves. That would take introspection, and perhaps the realization that they aren't the center of the universe. gasp!
Everytime I want to give up and just let them reap the thistles in the garden they've sown, my husband (the better of the two of us) reminds me that we have to do what is best for them because we have to live with ourselves. He just wants me to do it without emotion, distance myself. I understand what he is saying, but it is so hard to do.
So we count our blessings. I slept so much better last night knowing that I am not alone. Many of you are going through a worse time of it... a glimps into the future,*sigh*, but this site is a comfort. allies in the trenches.
Do not forget to tell your husbands and children that you love them. That they are special to you. Let's break this cycle by giving to those who recipricate and love us back. We need to go to the wells that have water, and stop looking for it in the dry ones.
I found out a little too late in life that my "good Christian" home was dysfunctional as all hell. Since all this happened, I have had to deal with all these different hurts on all different levels due to mom's disease of selfishness. What makes is worse is the stigma hearing the word "Christian" associated with dealing with these hurts because then the usual "Christian-ese" isn't too far behind. Yes God heals, but anyone one of us still has to get through the pain of this latest mountain of crap to climb. It's a pain in the butt and then to hear how God will heal us. Sometimes God wants to teach us as well, not necessarily heal.
For me personally, what I will say through all this pain, hurt and anger, I have watched God do some miraculous things in the past 6 months. When I can step back and breathe for a minute, I thank God for all His provisions and the lessons learned. It doesn't stop me from getting mad, frustrated, etc, but it helps me grow past all those hurts.
Jesus can heal, but that's for anyone He chooses not just those on the "right path". We, as believers, still have to do our part in forgiveness, letting go, and learning from these miserable of circumstances (whether by our doing or not).
My path looks like its a little more extended, but I can rest assure you that in order to deal with this horrible disease of selfishness, you can't get blood from a stone. Go about getting through this and try and find the forgiveness for those that do hurt us. Find something each day to enjoy. Don't let what has destroyed our parents, destroy us.
In the mean time, I enjoy the vindication that God gives me when it comes. I love the fact that my mom complains of how fat she is when she used to give me grief over my weight gain. It was priceless. When those chubby little cheeks look at me, I just thank God for His justice, not my brand of justice and then I can move on to the next level of healing.
Thanks all for your support!! Anne, I'm always around in some form! Being a realist helps the humor move forward (twisted as it may get)! LOL
Well said and you are correct our frustrations are there in care giving. God never promised life would be easy. Wish he did but that not going to happen. We grow through our trials .I believe he is probably crying with us. Neither, did he say we would be perfectly made. I beleive some times we forget that life can give us these blows. How we handle them is up to us and our choice. God doesn't tell you you or youur parents what path to take he just guides. Which when we look at this way we can then determine what path to take whether frustration , or mad or upset or one day at a time or the servant hood of Jesus .We have those choices to have these feelings and make them what they are. Again, we make those choices. I have a child with special Needs and I tell him you make your chioce not God. He shows the road. Our parents
did not get the way they are over night they too have had pain and frustrastion
through their lives and the way they have handle I beleive materialize in time.We will be tested over many trials. With their attitudes the way they are from there choices they made. Truthfully, in their heart is the only way they can fix it.We can not fix it becuase it is their choice. So these husbands that say don't try to fuel the fire are correct. My mother is ugly to me but she makes that choice. Whether it hurts me she doesn't care she knows she does this and so she lives in the path she takes. Frustrated and mad at the world .So in prospective they are not taking it out on just us but the world around them.
I think the cause of some of this generation to act this way is the paths they took along the way and whether they left the Christian life or not was their choice .Now they try to figure it all out and it is hard to them and they are still frustrated as we are inside in time time maybe God will reach them and maybe not . Hopefully we realize that we don't want to be this way while caring for them. The important thing is we see this in our parents and it hurts truthfully all the way around. We just have to remember we don't want to be in this state when we are their age and continue on the right path now matter what with God by our side.
prayer make life allot more easier and trusting Him. He is all knowing sometime we just have to sit back and watch what he does. Even people who are not Christian have to do this take one day at time and wait. What choice they may is their choice.
I am sure that not all realize their own selfishness, at some level. Than you have those with cognitive deficiencies, etc. Illness, stroke, etc., and various other diseases cause it. Take dementia, for instance. That parent literally cannot help themselves. They are rude, demanding, prideful, sharp, bitter, angry, whatever... But it is not always by choice. My Dad has Advanced Stage Alzheimer's. He went through and angry and threatening stage. Now he's only angry if provoked. He doesn't realize what he's doing. He can't help himself. He gets lots of grace and forgiveness and compassion.
My Mom, on the other hand, is Queen Selfish. An only child, coddled by doting parents. ME, me first, I want, is her mantra. My sister and I both suffer. Talk about dysfunctional. And Mom and Dad fought all the time. She wouldn't take care of her husband, and she rarely even went to go visit him when he was close by in a Nursing Home. It outraged me. I lived 200 miles away and saw him more than she did. But whenever she wants something, she expects me to give it to her, because I'm Conservator and Guardian. Her pets, and her this, and her that, and I get the grief. If I don't do what she wants, she yells, "Abuse!" That is pure unadulterated evil selfishness! I hate it.
At the same time, I am required to provide for her needs. Both legally, and by God. Love our "neighbor" as ourselves, and honoring our parents. Now you can argue, "give honor unto whom it's due." But, I was commanded to love, not just the easy ones, but the hard ones, too. I have to be careful to provide for her needs, not wants. Though, sometimes compassion makes me give more. I also have to be careful, because Mom is genius at taking advantage of my compassion.
I struggle. Their financial lives are a mess. Their physical home is a mess. I don't have time to go do it for her, and she makes everything so difficult. Won't let me throw away broken TV's, etc. It's a total nightmare at times. My sister does nothing but criticize me. Talk about selfishness! My mother will not clean up the mess. Someone has to. Yet my sister wants the goodies (inheritance). She wanted to take the seats out of her car and get some furniture when Mom was hospitalized. No one will make my sister help her mother, but they will make me split the estate in half in the end. After all the work I do to help the parents who raised us. It is evil, wicked, selfish, and just plain sin! (How we try to soften it by calling it selfishness.) It separates, divides and destroys. And it hurts.
OK I vented a lot.
Someone in another post mentioned growing up walking on egg shells...I thought that was my house. Those were the words we used.
But going back to the original 'original' thread...no, we are tired, and we don't want to do this anymore. But we need to cope because It isn't going to go away. The good die young and the selfish will watch the sun burn out. and we will be dragged behind them trying to make their lives better, because that is really why we are here, because we want to help. Or we wouldn't. We'd be eyeing their furniture.
Anne, I think you hit on a really key point. We are raised with the "honor your mother and father" and we think or believe that it means taking the abuse that is purposely dished out (not by those who can't help it).
I have come to live with I have honored my parents by taking care of them in the assisted living. I could not do what many of you do 24/7, but the emotional drain has stolen enough from me. I have honored them by putting them in a nice facility and not thinking about what I lose financially. Their care is most important to me. I have honored them by protecting them from the nuts in their lives that cause more harm than good. Regardless of what my parent's think of me. I know that I have done everything possible, legally, financially, and emotionally for my mother and father.
We can't think of honoring our parents equating to being a doormat for them. Sometimes tough decisions are made to do what is the best for our parents. It isn't always easy when you hear family or outsiders complain about things, but know that we made choices as well. Choices that regardless of how selfish our mother or father is, we can hold our head high knowing we did what's right regardless of each of our situations.
God bless you all for your daily choices!!
THE world of NPD, A VERY REAL SITUATION people can find themselves in. Know that you are not alone, that this "sorry you will never please me" malady is real and can be futile to fix or fight! Study up on it to release yourself from that guilt demon. Some guilt is understandable and healthy but the false guilt you have been programed with as control mechanisms is just part of narcissistic personality disorder your parent could have, with in your case plenty of invalidation as a side. Bad side order, send that one back too! Tough love is what you will be forced into here for self survival of your marriage and children. Do what you need to to cover your loved ones, there is a time to reap what has been sown, even for a beloved cantankerous parent.
If your mom has dementia, then we can give her some slack as it is a real disease and she can't control that as much as she or we would like her too.
Nevertheless, you might be better off spending less time in a setting with her. A pedicure on one day, the oral surgeon on another. Of course you might feel it best to do the marathon and be done with it for the week. Not sure what your daily schedule with your mom is or what you want it to be.
I'm sure you will do the right thing for your mom, but in order to have some peace, you need distance too and time for your family.
In 2009, we visited my cousin in Wales. During one day, her husband received 33 phone calls from his mother. She threatened him that she would call social services if he did not call her back. She had and continues to have dementia. She was 92 when we were there. You can't reach her because her illness prevents it. She was well advised that he would not be available during our visit. She had in home care and meals, but it didn't matter.
Its sad what so many of us have to endure with our parents. You are doing your best so be kind to yourself and appreciate that you are only human and your mom is not in her right mind.
I posted on your wall. Sending love and white light your way. Hugs, Cattails.