I'm 58 years old, married and I live 350 miles away from my parents, siblings and adult children from a previous marriage. I don't work outside the home because I homeschool and care for a 19 year old highly functional on the spectrum (done since age 10). (We've never had emotional or physical support of any kind from family regarding his diagnosis or our life plan for him).
Mom (86) and Dad (89) have always been in good health. Mom can do many things for herself but no driving. Her memory has also suffered greatly from the stress of this and she depends on my Dad entirely. Dad had a mild stroke 2 weeks ago. He has all his mental faculties, thank God; but had lost use of his right arm and leg. He has since recovered those things and is now home with Mom getting Home Health Care and PT.
My brothers who live close by resent that I have not dropped my life and moved in with the Mom during this period to help her. We drove two weekends with 24 hour turnarounds to be with them. We did things like run errands, clean house, do laundry and just be there for emotional support. No one seems to understand that I can't just leave to care for them or be there physically on a long term basis. I feel bad that my brothers and my sister in law and one of my adult sons is doing all the errands and such; but I can't be there to do that. My adult son even called me and said I could do more and he basically berated in a very passive aggressive way.
I really don't know what to do. I try to offer help via research and online information but no one wants to talk with me. I call the folks all the time and try to offer emotional support from here. I'm not surprised at the fact that I'm not getting information from my brothers because they have never been close to me but the fact that my son has such judgment on me really hurts. I want to be there but i just physically cannot do more than I am doing. I plan to go back for a weekend each month to help and I always tell my SIL that I appreciate everything they are all doing...she is my only point of contact...brothers don't communicate at all. I get very robotic texts from son about factual update but nothing else - very cold. I'm quickly feeling estranged from them all and it feels terrible.
Any advice on how to handle this?
Quite honestly, if your family doesn't think you're doing enough they don't know when they're well off. Heavens to Murgatroyd! - the forum is full of families that leave one child coping alone with everyone else chipping in nothing but criticism and accusations. They have one another, and you have already taken on practical tasks, and you have made specific offers of help. They have nothing to complain about and you have nothing to be ashamed of.
But. I doubt that they do intend to make you feel bad, as such. Very much wanting you to be there - thinking of your son, especially - is not the same thing as condemning you for not being there. What's happening is that *everybody* is feeling anxious and upset at the moment, there must be a lot of uncertainty about how to proceed, and you're all at a dangerous moment when communication can go wrong and serious damage can be done to relationships. People lash out, behave thoughtlessly, and talk for effect instead of with a constructive purpose. Keep your head down and try not to respond when you think that might be happening.
Your life, your child, your home, your husband are where they are. Your parents are where they are. The rest of the family, they all no doubt have their needs and priorities too. What you have to remember is that people under stress are not as thoughtful or as fair as they normally are; and your family seems to have been a bit disconnected from your second marriage even to begin with. They don't appreciate the realities of your life because they haven't been involved in them. But that doesn't alter the fact that you have commitments which are, correctly, your priority.
Do whatever you can to steady the ship until there is a clearer plan, I suppose is what I'm saying - but what am I thinking? Kipling put it so much better:
"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs and blaming it on you..."
Welcome to the forum.
Just trying to clatify
Is your dad your mom’s caretaker? More or less carrying it all and then had the stroke and everyone is now realizing that your parents need more help?
Whoever has DPOA and Healthcare POA may need to explore how things should go moving forward. Sadly, seniors becoming infirmed often stresses families to the point of discord. To me, it's often because some stay in denial and have UNreasonable expectations. They are unreasonable in their expectations of what an ailing senior can do in the home and UNreasonable in their expectations of what other family members should do. I don't think they understand that taking care of seniors who cannot manage their own household or healthcare needs is like a full time job.
I doubt if your brothers have put that proposition in terms like that to anyone, not even in their own heads; but that is the conclusion their sentiments ultimately lead to. Call it a plan? - I don't!
Is there one big obstacle we haven't yet talked about in the way here? - namely, are your parents of the "we will be here in our family home until we are carried out in a box" persuasion?
Well, now that one of my brothers is handling all finances, family (me) IS getting paid. It goes quite a ways in making me feel better.
So I suggest that your local family get compensated for what they do for your parents. There are also easier ways of doing things like grocery delivery services, etc. My mother refused to ever consider that, as she was so controlling that she would have to pick out every little thing in the store (and spend MY time...it took HOURS...doing so).
You are doing a good bit already. But only your sibs can decide to take the necessary steps -- even if the parents don't like it! -- to make their lives easier.