Dad has dementia. Mom is very frail and has health issues but keeps track of Dad's needs very well. She still drives him to doctor visits, keeps on top of his meds, helps him with meal selection, tells him everything he needs to do with regard to hygiene, etc. He is completely dependent on her for these things.
The other day a caregiver saw an incident where it appeared to her that Dad was about to strike Mom. Dad and Mom had just gotten into the elevator to leave for an appointment when another resident appeared down the hall. Mom attempted to press the "open" button to give them time to get there, but Dad was very anxious that they would be late. He tried to press the "close" button, and in the tussle that followed, it appeared to the caregiver that he was going to strike Mom. Mom says that was not the case at all. For some background here, Dad has always had anger issues, and there have been a couple of incidences in the past year or so when he grabbed her arm because she was trying to do something he didn't like. He is on antidepressants and they've recently been adjusted (again) and he's been doing well recently. It is a situation that I monitor closely, however, because while he is high-functioning in many ways, with my mother's frailty and their interpersonal dynamics added to the mix - their situation could demand a change at any time. Mom knows this, but I think we all know that it is going to tear her apart when she is no longer able to take care of Dad.
I received a call from the retirement home after this happened telling me that I needed to either bring my father home with me that night or come and stay in my parents' little unit because they could not be allowed to stay there alone together. I was not able to do that. They ended up taking my father to the Alzheimer's section to spend the night which was terribly distressing for my mother. They scheduled a meeting for the very next morning to discuss my parents' situation in which I presented my case that my father was not such a danger to my mother as to warrant his removal from their apartment. The upshot of it was that my father was "released" and able to come back for the time being.
I am confused as to whose "responsibility" it is to protect my mother. The staff there claimed that they moved my father that night because they have a "responsibility". Had they been willing to talk with me on the phone, that drastic step of removing my father from their apartment that night could have been avoided. It was very traumatic for my mother. She feels they are trying to "get him" into the memory care section. She, of course, is trying very hard to keep him out. I always felt that ours was a collaborative effort, in which I would stay in touch with them and talk with Mom and make sure she was doing OK etc etc. But this "responsibility" talk by the retirement home makes me wonder who DOES get to make the final call. And I'm not sure I trust them after what happened the other night.
It may be, that with your mom's frail size, Sabahmom, some coaching is needed to help your mother to manage her distance from her husband so that no accidents occur. And/or coaching to him, that if he is upset, he can practice saying so, without so much blaming her, and not touch her, for accidents can happen. The caregiver feedback is important as an alert to, but try to ask some less volatile questions than, is this person violent. I've found the question itself can led to suspicion and mistrust which alienates - I'd try find an observant, gentle but alert person nearby, even another caregiver, or someone outside the medical system, to visit them a few times - share your concerns and ask that person to observe whether they act comfortably around each other or not. That would add an extra input, other than just your mother's assertions - even though her assertions are vitally important in this - but if she is anxious around him, it should show a bit in other times. Sometimes professionals seem to get over-eager to avoid any suspicion of risk by intervening more strongly than is needed. Yes, the opposite can also happen, but if there is general trust and familiarity between the two, and respect, and care - and they want to continue living together, I'd try to add some outside supportive presence and checks, and only take next steps further if you see more risks.
A psychiatrist is the person to see and have evaluate both your dad & mom. My mom has dementia. Where she lives both can move into the memory care unit but the one who does not have dementia gets the code for the door, to come and leave the floor as they wish. It is not uncommon for violence to enter the picture with dementia. Do you really want to take a chance of your mom being hurt, possibly crippling or worse? No matter who you are and especially for long time spouses, making the decision to enter into memory care is very difficult. Denial is also a huge issue in these types of situations. Until you get to the appropriate doctor for an accurate assessment and treatment program, I'm sorry to say, I believe you are playing "russian roulette" with your mom's well being.
Milesaway,
Get them both to the appropriate independent (not affiliated with the facility) doctor for evaluation. It is not unusual for the afflicted to fight "tooth and nail" in defense of their independence. I used to think that paranoia was just the beginning symptoms of dementia. I really think that the afflicted person, knows that they are "losing it" and is fighting what they fear and know to be their future. For years before we acknowledged/accepted my mom's dementia, she accused us of what we thought were horrible allegations of taking her money, home and putting her away. The fact is that she was totally accurate in fortelling her future. After my dad died, I tried to have her come live with me. Her struggle for independence created issues that I couldn't handle, so we found a beautiful assisted living facility for her to live in. We "took" all of her assets and "put her away". We manage her finances in order to provide her the quality and style of life that she was accustom to, prior to my dad's death. She does complain about not having the freedom to walk out the door when she wants, but she also thinks she is living in a beautiful place where people wait on her hand and foot. When I go to take her out, she is very excited to go, but in a very short time of being away, she starts to talk about getting back. She falsely believes my sister was behind her losing her independence although I am the one who fought with her bitterly, moving her in. She is not rational and it is not her fault.
"Sometimes professionals seem to get over-eager to avoid any suspicion of risk by intervening more strongly than is needed. Yes, the opposite can also happen, but if there is general trust and familiarity between the two, and respect, and care - and they want to continue living together, I'd try to add some outside supportive presence and checks, and only take next steps further if you see more risks."
That is exactly it. And that is pretty much what we were deciding to do. But if nothing else, this incident did highlight to my mother that things really were changing and that we needed to get more help for them. We were in the process of continuing that conversation in the hopes of arriving at a mutually agreed-upon arrangement when something unrelated to my father's dementia happened just a few days later. He passed out and crumpled on top of her. This set off a chain of events that has ended up with his being moved to the Alzheimer section of their retirement home after he was released from the hospital just the other day.
So many of your comments have been helpful. At least it is "nobody's fault" that Dad got moved (least of all my Mom's for deciding this). It was clear to us all that they could not stay together given their current living arrangements. But we have the sudden trauma to deal with now of the way this all happened for Dad while simultaneously dealing with Mom's injuries and need for extra care. CandyKane57, as you said, aging is not for the faint of heart, for your or your loved one. As much as we'd all like to think that we can do it "right" and prevent anything bad from happening, life takes twists and turns that we don't expect. We certainly did not expect this.
Thank you for your helpful comments. Good to know others have walked this. Wanted to let you know that the initial "problem" has been "solved". No doubt we will be doing some serious regrouping in the days to come and I will probably be back here again ...
I went through this w/ my father. He did not like my decision, but it was the best for him and our family. In the 'board & care' facility I chose, he is clean, well-fed, and safe.
Aging is not for the faint-hearted, that's for sure, whether it's you or a loved one.
Best of luck...
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