Dementia and a bank book. How do we deal with Dad's paranoia?

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Dementia and a bank book. How do we deal with Dad's paranoia?

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Hi everyone it is nice to be here. I have a question about agitation with my mom and dads bank book. My dad has dementia and always thinks me, my sister and my mom are trying to steal from the bank book and tries to hide it in the house. We are afraid we will not be able to find it and when we say let mom hide it somewhere, he gets mad and accuses us of trying to steal. I hope someone here has advice on how to deal with the paranoia and agitation. Thanks

Alzheimer's & Dementia Delusions Paranoia

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I still use bank books to pay my husband’s expenses. It is a way to keep track of expenses for tax and medicaid eligibility purposes.

In any case, my husband had the same issue. I gave him an old checkbook from an inactive account that looks like the real one that I use. He is still happy, and so am I.

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We had the same issue with my mom. We took care of her for 5 years and 3 months, once Alzheimer's (and paranoia) took hold. We told her that she could lock up her purse in a locked drawer. (My husband and I also had a copy of the key.) She was very possessive of this purse, even though it only had $5 and a lipstick in it! One day she locked her purse in the drawer with her key in it, and then found our key and hid it. I searched that room and couldn't find it, so Hubby had to drill through the drawer. My mom also tore out the phone number of her accountant from her address book, lest we find it. I must say that my name had been on everything since I was 20. She and my dad made me Power of Attorney, and she even said, at the time, how much she and my dad trusted me, (since I never gave them any reason not to.) I tried to reason with her once paranoia and Alzheimer's hit, reminding her of how much mutual trust and respect we had for each other, but it was like talking to a brick wall. Even her accountant tried to reason with her, to no avail. We also made frequent trips to the bank. Luckily, the staff was very accommodating. I even wrote a book about our travails, as much to help myself as others. It's called, "My Mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale." When my mom would get accusatory, I had to remind myself it wasn't "her" any more. Maybe that's the best advice I can give. Also, maybe you could talk to your dad's doc, to see if medication or a change of medication can help. Sometimes it does, and sometimes it doesn't. I talk from experience. You might want to keep an eye on his checks, so he doesn't write them to strangers. Best of luck.

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Mom passed away about a year ago and she had a bank book. (Who knew those things were still around!?) She'd had a bank book all her life and it was important to her and it made her feel good and important when I took her to the bank for some spending money so she could buy us lunch. I was her POA in all matters.

What I did was have a checkbook that she knew about--but I didn't remind her of it very often as I didn't want her to access that bill-paying money. I kept about $300 in her account with her bank book. The book was always in her Mom's-all-important purse. If another of us kids took her to the bank, they always told me what the money was used for, taking them to lunch, filling up their car with gas, etc., as a way to ensure the money was properly spent (since a granddaughter like to beg and plead for money).

If Mom was ever afraid her money was gone (she grew in a dirt-poor family and she went hungry so us kids could eat) I'd hand her her purse, she'd dig out her bank book and we'd review it. I'd also show her the checkbook and that all her bills were paid. That would ease her mind, and I always assured her she'd never be without money. Then she'd reminisce how hard life was for her (no complaining, just factual).

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My mother was same about her finances. Normal actually. Go to the bank & have mother get a new bank book with current balance, etc. Or do it online. You can monitor everything. But I wouldn't frustrate your father anymore.

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Does your father actually write any of the checks out of that account, say for bill paying? Set as much up on auto pay as possible. Then let him have the bank book and replace it with a new account in your mother and your name to manage finances. We had this problem with my father and as long as he had the account book, which he would hide and then not be able to find and then accuse us of stealing he was some what fine. We also gave him keys to the house and car that didn't work but it made him feel in control. It is so sad to see our parent get this way but we must manage as best we can.

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I'm kind of surprised your father even has a bank book, banks here haven't used them for years. It should be a simple matter to get his account number and keep it in a safe place, if you need to access his accounts you shouldn't need the actual book - I do hope someone is named as his POA?

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How aware is your husband? Does he still know what is in the bank book? Is it possible you can get a duplicate from the bank and have him keep it while you or your mom keep the real one? Or sign up for online banking so that even if the book does get lost, you still know what is happening with the account.

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My 88 yr. old mom was always very cautious and controlling of her finances. Even though her dementia has been progressing for about 5 years now, she'll still occasionally bring up money, and checks, and bills, etc. It's sad to see her so confused but telling her that everything's done on the computers now and "we'll look at the statements at the end of the month" seems to calm her down and we can move on to something else. Of course it comes up again and again but each time assuring her we'll check the computer monthly alleviates her anxiety and confusion at that moment. (earlier on in her dementia, she'd sometimes remember and ask to see the statement so I'd "develop" a realistic statement and that would help. Now, no statements are necessary, just the reassurance that we'll see one later.)

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Let him keep it. Just keep the bills and charity requests away from him, and do all the real banking online, where he'll never notice...

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Bank book? Checks? Is this a post from the '50s? ;)

Let him have all that. Why do you need it? I haven't used a bank book since I was a kid. I haven't written a check in 10 years. Everything is digital these days.

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We're dealing with older adults, some who are not in the digital age and do not have or cannot afford computers or have read enough to not want to use ATM cards etc. Some people even use checks and keep check registers and balance their accounts monthly! Just because you and some others prefer electronic methods, not everyone does.

Dementia and a bank book. How do we deal with Dad's paranoia?

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