My parents divorced when I was 9. I am an only child. My mom remarried and is still with my stepdad today. They have no kids together and he has no kids from previous marriage. I live about 45 minutes from them. My dad remarried two more times and was divorced from his 3rd marriage by the time I was 19 years old. I lived mostly with my dad growing up, until he moved to California when I was 18, then I went home in the summer from college and stayed with my mom and stepdad. Then I dropped out of college but I did return about 5 years later got my degree and much later got an MBA. None of my parents are college educated. I paid for most everything in my life - college after the 1st year (parents could not afford to pay any longer), my car, living on my own at 19, paying for everything. Growing up I feel like my father raised me, and I feel like my mom never really wanted to be a mom, never really seemed interested in the goings on with my life...just did not take of care of me like a mom, she was not nurturing, supportive or motherly. About 2 years ago or so my mom was diagnosed with dementia - and I would say she is now in late stages, and is no longer capable of being at home (with stepdad) and can't take of herself - she needs 24/7 care. I think my stepdad has been blind to how bad she is - she is non communicative (yes, no only, a few other words....she calls me by his name), soils herself, can't properly clean herself, etc...she has fallen once or twice but no one witnessed it - we just see all of the bruises all over her. Now she is in the hospital b/c we thought she broke a hip (she did not), had a UTI, has kidney stones. But the hospital wants to try and release her home. My stepdad and cousin (she is a social worker professionally) are trying to find her a nursing home / assisted living place. My point for bringing all of this up here - is I feel like my cousin and my stepdad are trying to guilt me into feeling bad for not doing more - I do visit her in the hospital, I spent 6 hours there on Sunday and 1.5 hours there the other day and plan to visit her tomorrow again. She is about 40 minutes from me. My point is I can't financially help in any way, plus I can't take responsibility for finding her an assisted living space. I am married and w/two stepkids here half time. I am breadwinner at home right now - I pay the mortgage, etc, and do stuff for my family. I have a 200K+ student loan bill (yep you read that right). My stepdad's only responsibility is my mom - they have been married for ~35 years. My mom retired at 55 (from a low income job) so she could then stay at home in the chair watching soap operas (that is how I recall it). I guess my stepdad supported this. Plus they did not take care of themselves physically - don't exercise or have the best diets. When my stepdad's mom need care/caretaker - his sister took over that - she was of sound mind and pretty capable of taking care of herself until she died in her late 80s. But I will be working until I am 80+ to take care of myself and my husband (I am trying to save for retirement for the both of us...he does not have it; he owns his own construction business). Plus I am going to need to take care of my dad - he has no one else (no other kids, no nieces, no wife to help). I feel resentful that the comments at me are intended to make be feel guilty. I am resentful and angry, at both my stepdad and mom (for different reasons). Do I have a right to be???
They are how a person feels.
The question is: Are you able to reframe how you understand your situation to feel compassion and set boundaries? I believe often a person 'feels angry due to being unable to assert themselves and set boundaries' - to then not deal with feeling guilty or other feelings.
Key is to be aware of how you feel. Take care of yourself. The only way you can take care of another is when you take care of yourself first.
You may have deep rooted triggers / wounding to feel as you do. I would encourage you to get into counseling / therapy to understand how you feel and what you need to do or will choose to do for all concerned.
Gena / Touch Matters
I really do have a problem with that because I have that same problem in my family with my siblings, but I don't ask them to do anything for mother because in the end, God will judge them, not me. Yes, I struggle, yes, I cry but I know God got me. Mom and I were not always the closest but she is the best mom that I can have.. I thank God for blessing me with her and I will continue to take care of her forever.
Just pray and ask GOD for deliverance and be ready for the truth!!!!!!
Just because it's working out for YOU to take care of Mom doesn't mean you can guilt people coming in here for help, "young" lady. Oh, and prayers.
OP's spending a lot of time at the hospital as it is, and after that the mom is to go into a NH/AL. No, it's not on her to pay money toward her mother's care, that is what her own money, presumably controlled by stepdad, is for. If there's no money, then that is what Medicaid is for and there's a social worker in the family to help navigate this.
There is really little for OP to do here regarding her mom's situation anyway. Why are you guilting her?
* You are interpreting comments made as you FEEL guilty. No one can make you feel any specific way. If 10 people are in a room with the same common denominator, there likely will be 10 different responses - why? Because we are are triggered or wired based on our individual background, upbringing, wounding, psychological, emotional - combinations.
* The question you might want to pose is "why do I feel guilty" and realize that only you can change how you feel.
* Some part of these interactions / relationships are triggering you. If you are able to understand 'the why,' you may come closer to releasing the hold others' comments / opinions / intentions / perceptions have - you let it go saying (to yourself: this is how they feel, it has nothing to do with me or how I feel).
- From my point of view, this doesn't necessarily absolve a person from taking responsibility for their part in a situation. Still, in order to do this - you need to come to the table as a whole person so you can more humbly and objectively 'see' the big picture. And not allow others to dump on you.
As I say "you teach others how to treat you" - while this may not be specific to the discussion / point here, how you respond to them may - likely play into how they approach / communicate with you. In other words, if you 'put your foot down,' they may back down.
I am resentful and angry, at both my stepdad and mom (for different reasons).
Do I have a right to be?
The red flag here is that you are asking us if you have a right be feel - as you feel.
* You feel as you feel, right, wrong, good, bad, indifferent. There is no 'right' or 'wrong' feelings are feelings. Period. And feelings are triggered or emerge as they do based on how you feel about yourself, your unfinished emotional and other business (onging inner work).
* You equally have 'a right' to do as you please even if it is difficult (due to your conflicting feelings muddled with guilt). Not only do you have 'the right,' you have the OBLIGATION to yourself to feel self-respect and self-love --- not to mention, ackowledging yourself for all you did all your life - on your own, being successful, having a husband / family - and taking on all that financial responsibility.
* I hope that you give yourself a huge break (and a huge self-hug). Learn to love yourself as you would have appreciated / wanted to be loved as a child. Many of us need to learn to love ourselves unconditionally. I recall about 30+ years ago when I realized that a part of me had to (wanted to/became aware of) be the loving mother to myself that I never had . . . because she didn't have this inside her to extend to me. She was broken and didn't work on herself. Woman didn't do that in the 50s esp if not educated and as my mom, cross-eyed and poor at age 16.
Take care of you for your rainy day and when you want / need to take care of your own dad.
I would strongly suggest therapy to deal with your inner pulls / conflicts.
I learned in counseling training (psychosynthesis) to see myself - the situation on a tv screen ... and then seeing myself change the channel. It is time you change the channel.
Gena / Touch Matters
Your responsibility as as an adult child is to make sure your parents are cared for. In the USA, you do not have to pay for it or to do the caregiving yourself. Just make sure she is placed somewhere that her needs can be met.
We should be willing to help, if needed, but, there is no obligation, legally or otherwise. Not when they have a living spouse.
to point out that her life is her life and I have no right to ‘interfere’. I too have felt resentment and fury that now she is in her 80’s and has no friends left willing to put up with her difficult behaviour, that I am her sole carer. My brother and I are estranged - my mother has pit us against each other in order to get attention for decades and told blatant untruths about the other, I’m only just realising. I would say get clear what you are willing to take on. I no longer pick up the bill, although I took over her finances some years ago and was astonished to discover she was not living in penury, but has an adequate income, if managed right. She is now solvent and can afford the things she needs to live comfortably. I have given myself permission to provide the care I want to, given my values, but also to get external care support. One thing I realised is that no one knows how abusive my mother has been to me throughout my life, apart from my husband. Also, that continually trying to please a narcissistic parent means this is an impossible and hopeless goal which has blighted my otherwise lovely life and been detrimental to my own mental health. Consider taking a step back, what support do you feel able/want to offer, without resentment or anger? Offering anything else may leave you unfit to offer anything at all, not only to your Mum, but anyone else either, especially yourself. Trying to get the approval/good opinion of people who are not important to you is a waste of your energy and life and will ultimately leave you feeling unfulfilled and empty or frustrated. Even if you gain their approval, what will it give you if you don’t value them? We can’t be liked by everyone, and many people will put their agenda way above your well being. Make your own choice carefully, based on your values, and you probably won’t feel so angry and resentful. Anger is a useful emotion - it signals your boundaries are being crossed, so perhaps don’t ignore it. Sending good wishes and encouragement - set yourself free from the weight of opinion of people you don’t love or respect.
I have realized though after much thought that I CAN choose to be the caretaker of my mom and appease everyone else or I could choose to love my mom, when the time comes, from afar. The choice one makes is different for each one of us. I choose rather to spend the time, effort, and self care to empower myself, live as healthy as possible ( mentally, physically, and emotionally) so that I do not follow in her footsteps and become bitter and a obligation or burden on my own children. I have chosen to let this weight stop with me.
I understand that bad things happen to people in their lifetime. Few of us get through without anything bad. It is how one responds to what happens to us. We cannot fully control our future, however we can have a good mindset and self-love to be our best so when the time comes that we are no longer able to take care of ourselves, we have already been a gift to our family..
I want my children to WANT to take care of me when I am old and can no longer care for myself. I also want my children to feel free to choose whether they do or not. Ultimately, my welfare is my responsibility.
I love it that I see my dad with his grandchildren desiring to spend time with him in his last days. It is to me the ultimate compliment of having been a good fair and respected person. I really admire him and I feel honored to be his caretaker.
Yes, I couldn't see a client in memory care today due to pandemic. Not a good time anywhere. We or I need to find the peace within as I can. Meditation helps. I just need to do it more often. Gena
Decide what your boundaries are and don’t waste your energy expecting others to understand. There’s a wonderful book entitled Boundary Boss by Teri Cole. Her free videos could empower you to set limits and not get caught in codependent behaviors that will make you exhausted.
Also, a therapist could help you understand how you became the adult far too early and how that burden can haunt adult relationships. We are not responsible for other’s choices nor should we martyr ourselves to our family.
Do what is within your emotional, financial & physical limits so that you can be a peace. Other’s peace is theirs to find. You can have empathy without causing self harm. You can decide which parts you can do and decline the rest.
As they say, don your own oxygen mask before you put yours on someone else.” This process with your mother’s health decline could be an opportunity to heal old stories and learn to love yourself more.
Learning self care is not selfish. It is necessary and healthy. Ultimately, this journey is about you loving you. You are worth it. Even if nobody told you as a child that you mattered, you do. I wish you strength and I send you loving kindness as you navigate this difficult passage.
Sounds to me that you are doing what you need to for your family.
Eventually your dad may need help but you are not obligated to anyone else.
Maybe cut the hospital visits a bit shorter.
Take care of yourself.
In the end and before her end, make peace w the situation and what has happened in your life. Do not let it consume you. She’s not able to acknowledge or apologize at this point. She is/was who she is. Maybe find a counselor or pastor who can help you sort out these feelings so it doesn’t hamper your future. You need support and peace.
You don't have to force feelings and emotions that aren't there to please other people. Clearly you and your mother did not have a close relationship. That is not your fault. It's her fault. She wasn't always an invalid. From what you say here she didn't make all that much effort in the days when she wasn't an elderly invalid and that would have been the time when she should have made some effort for a good relationship with you her child.
Please tell your cousin and father that no person can ever expect to get from others what they were never willing to give themselves.
You don't get what you don't give. They need to understand this and you need to let their totally ridiculous and unfounded guilt-trips get to you.
Acceptance of our own limits is probably the most difficult and most important aspect of caregiving, and the one from which most other feelings stem.
But are you sure your cousin intends to make you feel guilty for not doing more? I assume she knows the backstory. My guess would be that she thinks there isn't much time for you to make things okay with your mother and she doesn't want *you* to miss out.
Doesn't make your cousin right, of course, but it's another possibility behind her comments.
As for stepdad, as for funding your mother's care - [rude word deleted]. What's stopping your stepdad making decisions on your mother's behalf? He's her next of kin, not you. And cash-strapped children (by which I mean most standard income people) are NOT responsible for their parents' financial planning.
Er. That also applies to your Dad, though, by the way. This is a man who ripped through three marriages in two decades (and dropped you flat on your face at 18) and now has nobody? I wonder why. Care about him, of course, by all means, and give him what support you feel able to. But do not sacrifice yourself to his mistakes.
I do not mean to apportion blame. Quite apart from the fact that of course I do not know either of your parents and can't form an opinion, even those with better information would do well to hold back. But what you yourself can certainly judge is what resources you feel able to offer without injury to yourself or your husband or your future, whether that's time or work or any other kind of input.
I would be proactive, "hey SD, I know you are worried about how you and mom are going to pay for things, so here is the number for the local agency that can provide assistance. Call them and get this started, it could take a bit of time, so you really need to call and get the ball rolling for your own peace of mind."
If he isn't asking for money, I would treat his words as venting and not passive aggressive hints.
I have to be really mindful of how I read what is being said, I don't do subtle and unless someone is outright asking, I take it as a vent and someone just sharing information, because I am always wrong in what I think they are trying to say. This has really helped me not get worked up about what I think they are trying to say. It might be helpful for you to try.
My name here is Party of One. I too am an only child, divorced and not as able to work as I need to be because I am dealing with my mother. She fell/broke hip a month ago, did well in a stint to rehab, but is failing miserably once she got home. Like in three days miserably. My vote was assisted living from the get go but relented to give her a chance. I was right and she is back in the hospital as we type being assessed for placement. Here's the catch...everybody always looks at you, judges you and makes comments if you are not ALL IN on the keep mom at home REGARDLESS team. You life is your situation and its not up to everybody else to decided how much of caregiving you can handle. I had requirements before I would even consider having mother back home to rehab....and she's declined to the point that its not sustainable for me. Or her.
You don't have "that type" of relationship with your mother...and that's okay. And honestly, her not being a "mother" is okay too..,difficult for the child who needs more, but not every woman is cut out to be a mother. Mine really would not be considered warm and fuzzy....I can't recall even hugging her after age five. She's just not that gal. It is what it is.
I would simply state and repeat, I'm sorry but she needs much more care than I can help with and I don't have the level of expertise needed to deal with. Of course, they are hoping someone will pitch in....and you just can't be that person.
What costs are he concerned about?
Better check that out. Are you sure there isn't a copay for the days not covered 100% (20 days)?
It is likely Medicare that will provide mom with rehab for 20 days at 100% of the cost IF she is cooperative and making progress.
Best to get her into a facility that does rehab but that will accept her as a LTC skilled nursing patient if she doesn't progress, so that you don't need to move her again. Thus was probably the best advice we were given by discharge planning.