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My mother has been “staying” at her boyfriend’s house for the past two years. She hasn’t been able to live on her own since that time due to falls and mobility issues. She’s at the point where she can only shuffle a few feet with her walker and needs help going to the bathroom and taking her meds, etc. We were finally able to get her into rehab just before Christmas with the hope to get her into assisted living. She was verbally abusive to the staff, accusing them of all sorts of horrific things everyday. Her 89-year-old boyfriend agreed to “take care of her” if she left so the social worker released her on Sunday. After much discussion and instruction on her meds to her boyfriend, she didn’t get them because he didn’t realize that he was supposed to get and give them to her. Four in the morning she had him take her to the hospital because she couldn’t breath due to her CHF and not receiving her meds, no doubt.
She’s always been abusive and manipulative, (Diagnosis bipolar, BPD and NPD) She won’t discuss going to any facility where she would be taken care of nor will she discuss it anymore with me. So she’ll probably end up back at her boyfriend’s when she’s released. All I can do is give up trying. Am I wrong in this? If so, what can I do? I don’t have a lawyer, nor will I spend what little money I have to hire one. This sounds cold, but I’m sick of trying.

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Boy, that's the blind leading the blind if ever I've heard that phrase applied correctly!!!!

Let your mother live what's left of her life the way SHE and the inept b/f see fit to. She's likely to go to the ER several times a week until someone catches on that she's being neglected and not taking her meds. Then they won't release her back to live with the b/f and she'll be placed in a SNF against her wishes, but that what happens to 95 year old elders who live life on their terms. They also die on their terms, and that's not all bad, really. I honestly believe there's something to be said for that!

If you feel that her life is in danger or that she needs immediate placement in a SNF, call APS & report both of them as vulnerable seniors. Only God knows if APS will see things the way you do, but they might.

I don't think you're wrong b/c you really can't save a person from herself. Whatever happens here, she did it HER WAY, like Sinatra sang, right? :)

Good luck.
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cherokeegrrl54 Jan 2022
Totally agree!! Liz
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Call Adult Protective Services about both of them and let them handle it. Then you can walk away knowing you did what you could.
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No, it doesn't sound cold. It sounds realistically. If your Mom is competent she has a right to make her own choices. Make certain she knows how to call 911 and that the boyfriend does. I caution you against accepting POA and Guardianship, even temporary guardianship, which is what social workers will want you to do. It is difficult enough to deal with POA or guardianship even if you are dealing with a pleasant, meticulous and with it person. It is impossible to deal with others. I am so sorry for your grief over your own limitations, but they are what they are and not everything has an answer or can be fixed.
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I think that a phone call to remind BF would be okay.

Your mom's days are numbered, I wouldn't try to intervene, I would just be her daughter and do what you can or want and let them have each other to get through these last days.

Learning to let go and let our aged, sick parent live and die on their terms is difficult but, you can't force your idea of what should be. At 95 I think she is pretty blessed to have a companion that wants to help her and be together with her, even if it costs her medically, it definitely gives her quality and that is what really matters.
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You are not wrong and I am glad you are not going to waste your money on your mother. The chips will fall as they fall and your mother will have to face the consequences of her choices. Stop trying to save her.
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Your Mom has a boyfriend let him deal with her .
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I'm sure he won't forget the meds again. A bit of advice, knock it off. I've been to a facility, lived at one fun fun fun fact they suckkkkkkkkk 1 girl to give 40 patients meds, if your wheelchair bound need help dressing hey it's about 10-11 by the time they get to you because they have to serve breakfast first. So let it go. If the boyfriend asks for your help then ok. Until then, meh
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Isthisrealyreal Jan 2022
I don't know of any facility that has a 1:40 caregiving ratio.

Have you reported this facility?

Honestly, I think that your situation is a bit different then a demented 90 year old. Not that I am saying rip her from her home and boyfriend to place her, there are other options here.

Have you ever considered a board and care home? They tend to have better patient to caregiver ratios and are more of a home then a facility. My dads had a completely paralyzed gentleman and he decided when he was going to be up and about or just hang in his room. They allowed my dads little dog and had a nice patio for the residents to enjoy fresh air.
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Her 89 y.o. boyfriend is not reliable enough to care for your mother. The two of them are in a vulnerable situation. They both should be referred to an agency that deals with the elderly.
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Since it seems your Mom is set on going back to her boyfriend, your hands are tied. Without diligent supervision of meds, your mom's days are numbered. There is a clock you can buy on Amazon (American Lifetime) that you can set up to remind the boyfriend to dispense meds. I used it for my mom and it was quite effective. Or you can purchase an Echo and set up recurring reminders for them. At the very least, you will have done all you're "allowed" to do. I wish you all the best.
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Wow 95 and mentally with it to go to a hospital, and a boyfriend.
Id get the clock with a timer. Set every so many hrs. Tell them to get one. She has CHF. It is what it is.
Try to discuss with bf. If not let her go. There's only so much you can do. At least your not taking care of her 24/7. Thank your lucky stars.
She wants it that way so be it.
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