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I was wondering if anyone can advise me please? My mum is 82 and has dementia, which has gotten worse, and she is now in hospital waiting to get a brain scan today. I have a brother who hasn’t seen or made contact with her in over 20 years and I’m unsure whether or not to get in contact with him. I have sent him texts previously for birthdays, etc. and he has not replied. My friends are saying that he obviously is not interested and not to bother, but I am torn. Has anyone else been in this situation? Thank you.

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Hi Taylorb1,
Just wanted to check back with you to see how things are coming along with your Mom. I don’t know if you were able to contact your brother or not to get help from him but as much help and training that you can get for yourself the better ti get to understand the disease and what you’re up against. You have no control over what he will or will not do
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Hi Taylor,

I have not been in your situation personally but as a DSP which is a Professional Caregiver I am familiar with different stages of Dementia and what to expect during the different stages and have information that may be helpful for you.

First of all It is so very important that you get to understand as much as possible about the disease now to know what to expect.

I know you have not talked to your brother but maybe as time goes on you can help him see the serious effect that 24/7 caregiving can take on the health of the caregiver.

Also to help educate you on your Moms diagnoses I would like to give you the following website that can be a great help. It is from a lady that’s an expert on Dementia named Teepa Snow. We were trained on much of her information when I worked with one company. Please look at a few of her videos and information. It is as follows. https://teepasnow.com/resources/about-dementia/

This may be a lot for now but maybe this can help as a reference, because remember, the more you educate yourself NOW on things to do and what to expect, the more you will be equipped to handle the disease and various behaviors. I hope this helps. Please feel free to contact me.

I hope the best for you
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Hasn't seen or made contact with with your mom in 20 years.
And your texts and birthday wishes have not been answered in that time as well?

There is not enough information here. What was the earthquake that 'caused this separation? What exactly do you need from him? What does he need from you, or your mom to remedy the situation?

He may be in a very bad or difficult condition or situation that he doesn't care to share with you.

I wouldn't do what I'm going to suggest but you can try a one last-ditch effort by sending a brief report and photo of her as she is today. Say that you have finally gotten the hint and won't trouble him any longer. Add your number and let him know that if he ever wants to communicate you will keep the same phone number you've had for the last 20 years for at least another 20 years. Wish him well, sign it and stop beating a dead horse.

Yes, I have had a similar situation.
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Taylorb1 Mar 2022
I don’t need or want anything from him as we both have done well in life I’m only contemplating this as my mum is not going to get any better and I think she would like to see him before she gets worse I don’t know how he feels but wonder if he would like to know how she is as it must cross his mind as life goes on birthdays Christmas etc if she is still alive he works offshore but I know he has the same telephone number
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I would call my brother and let him know. If he does not reach out then it’s on him. He will have to live with his conscience. You would have done the right thing.
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Send him a text message, an email and a phone call that details the results of your mother's evaluation and treatment. Give him contact info for you and for her. Let him decide what to do from that point on.
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Taylorb1: Inform your brother of the fact that your mother's dementia has advanced. Even if it's received on deaf ears, you have told him and it's not on you.
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It’s better to do it than not do it. Then no-one (including you) can blame you.

Accept that it may backfire. I informed my dreadful father that my mother had died, and he faxed me a picture of a soul in torment entitled ‘Revenge pursued beyond the grave’. That said it all, really!
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Hello. Contact your brother regularly about your mother’s condition however do NOT send snail mail. Either text or call and do NOT delete any of it !

that way if he ever accuses you of shutting him out you have proof of contact.
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My brother and I were estranged. I was carrying out the care for Mum. Feeling very alone and bitter towards my brother. It got to the stage of moving Mum, and in the upset of this she rang him to complain. He came over and was shocked at how much she had deteriorated. I think he had in his mind that she was the same as she had been. He supported me in the plan to move - it was obvious she really couldn’t stay where she was, even with carers coming in. He supported me and her practically in a low level way and through working together it became apparent that Mum had conducted a campaign of divide and conquer. We worked together amiably. I no longer felt completely alone and overwhelmed by the responsibility of all the decisions. He thanked me for all I had done for Mum. He expressed that appreciation to Mum too - something she has never done. He was a real support through the very stressful process. He encouraged me to step back, when necessary, from my Mum’s abuse which arose out of her stress about the change. He was clear I should take care of myself and that my mental health was important. I realised it wasn’t all about him not caring. There was a level of self-preservation in his distance. I am still the primary contact in Mum’s life - she rewarded my brother’s involvement by telling people he had ransacked her flat and stolen all her money (he doesn’t have involvement in her finances - I deal with all of that and she has nothing more than a small pension). The flat ransacking was him helping to pack up her belongings to move.

I think your brother should be told, if only to give him a choice. Who knows, he may become an unexpected source of support for you at a difficult time.

My brother and I are far from reconciled; too much water under the bridge, but I think there is a peace and acceptance there, which there wasn’t before between us. And we had a few laughs at memories during the process. I know this may be different for you, but we never know. All we can give is an opportunity. Good luck in this challenging part of your life. You are doing a magnificent job!
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Taylorb1 Mar 2022
Thank you I appreciate this
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Write him a letter with all the details - registered mail so he can't say he never got it. Then walk away forever if you don't hear anything. He obviously has a good reason. Let it rest and move on.
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Riley2166 Mar 2022
If you call him, the call could get nasty and upsetting. Do it via registered mail - facts only. Spare yourself if he gets out of control. Don't take that chance.
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Simple: Forget about him. 20 years no contact? Why would you even think about him?
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Taylorb1 Mar 2022
I don’t think about him I’m more thinking of my mum and maybe she would like to see him before she gets any worse
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Let him know.
Then, if you do not get a response, you have your answer.
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I’m a live in caretaker for my parents. Dad passed at home with hospice. I have 3 siblings waiting for money. Hospice recommended sending a daily text about his condition and how mom was. It was a group text with my siblings and my children. Never a response. I feel good that no matter what happened it was on them to live with their choices. May you find peace with your choice
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Taylorb1 Mar 2022
Thank you x
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Rather than be torn, it does no harm to just reach out and fill him in.
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We all process strife and grief in our own way.
Personally, I would struggle if I didn't do all I could to help, but while siblings are quite 'removed' from the care duties, that doesn't mean they are not impacted by their decisions or conflicted in coming to terms with their feelings.
And it's not always obvious by outward behaviour (silence, disconnection, or even frustration).
In my situation, I try not to update every new development in order to shield them from undue escalation of crisis, whereas major episodes (hospitalisations, accidents) are notified without hesitation, in some way relieving any guilt or burden I carry as a consequence (transparency is very reassuring).
Naturally, none are or should feel obligated to respond, but I find it helpful to relate to their ordeal of the unseen/unknown, while I am blessed with dealing only with the reality.
It is very much a personal choice.
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There are all kinds of reasons, good and bad, for long periods of no contact guilt being one but the reasons don’t really matter now. It sounds to me as though you need to let your brother know what is going on as much for you as for him, don’t create guilt or regret for yourself here. I might try the same contact or message in a few ways, text, email, snail mail and passing it through someone you know has contact with him just to be sure your message is getting through and in that message let him know you are doing that because of concern he hasn’t been getting your texts. If it would be helpful to you to have his moral support now let him know that too, be as vulnerable as you can be knowing you can still accept the disappointment of no response without feeling rejected yourself. What he does or doesn’t do is no reflection on you, it’s totally about him and his relationship with his mom. You take care of you by doing what you are doing and letting your brother know what’s going on with Mom and let him take care of himself, we can’t control how others take care of themselves even when it’s clear to us they are doing themselves emotional harm. Strength and peace.
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Good Morning,

Yes, I agree with Pamhen contact whoever you think needs to know, brother, and he's an adult let him do with it what he wants. Relay the info and let them claim ownership of it. You are not responsible for how other people respond.

For some reason in life, it's not even Steven...you jus have to play the cards you're dealt with. This goes on in every family. It would be nice if he showed up to give you some support.

Amen...
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I Understand your dilemma. If you are torn, let your brother know. As my mother’s caregiver I’ve done everything I can for her. And that has included letting family members know how bad things have gotten - even those who have chosen not to participate. I will have no “second thoughts” or regrets after she passes…that’s why I’d let your brother know. Sending lots of love. ❤️
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When you get the results of the brain scan, you could give him the results. It sounds like he will not help with planning for your mother's future. Are you able to do the planning on your own? Get connected with caregiving groups to find out all of your options. Have a Plan B in case you are unable to care for her adequately if she needs more care. Is all of her paperwork in order with a living will (medical directives), powers of attorney for medical and financial matters, a will if she has assets, etc. Most financial institutions also have their own POA forms. You need to be on file with Medicare and Social Security to be able to speak on her behalf. You can do this with a phone call with her sitting next to you. All the best to you and your mother!
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I just went through this. My husband and his sister had not spoke in years. I called her and explained he had alhzimer's. She started crying and came over that day. I had lost my sister a year ago and I just kept thinking how upset I would have been if we were not speaking... You have nothing to lose. If he still doesn't respond you can be at peace that you tried. I hope this helps....
Wish you the best.
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Taylorb1 Mar 2022
Thank you x
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As my dear FIL used to say, don't lower yourself to their level. Be the better person.

If you have an address, send a note. "Hope all is well with you. I felt the need to write this note to tell you Mom now has Dementia and at this moment is waiting for a brain scan. If you would like to contact me, my phone # is ..."

If u have no address, then try text or email if you have it. If brother does not respond, then you have your answer. He is not interested or you have no updated info on him and that is not your fault.

My brother has not contacted me since Sept 2017. I have texted him and the last two years no response. His two girls, in their mid 20s, have not kept in touch. One is a teacher in my Township. She will be married (got a please save the date) in June. We will not be attending because we will be on a Cruise a year and a half in the making. Lots of money involved. I will send a nice card with a check.
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If your brother hasn't made contact with her he must have his reasons.
If you have a working phone number call him and tell him she's in the hospital. Send him a text. Or even mail a written note.
It is what it is. Your brother doesn't want a relationship with your mother. If the two of you are on good terms and didn't have a falling out or anything, you should ask him why sometime.
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Texting is not the best way to handle this. She hasn't had contact with him in 20 years? I would assume he would have changed phone numbers, or changed phones several times in the past 20 years. He may not bother to keep the number, especially if he got lots of spam on that number.
I've often changed my phone number when changing cell phone providers.

He may be using a landline only and his cell phone is disconnected and someone else has his number now.

(This has happened to me, people had texted cell phone numbers I haven't had in years and I find out about it a year later when I see them and they are annoyed because I never answered their texts when I never even saw them.)

Or, he may be low vision and is unable to read texts, he may not have a cell phone any longer.

But, I have a strong feeling that he is not receiving the texts. Could easily be some stranger who now has his former number.

Even e-mail addresses change over the years, or you forget your password, etc or even forget about the account because it's full of spam and you just don't bother with it & use a new one.

I would either call the number you have and speak to him in person, or send him a letter in the mail.
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AliBoBali Mar 2022
Just mentioning... Communication difficulties from old phone numbers or emails could be an issue, but that's not why someone stays out of touch for 20 years. If it were important to them then they'd get in touch. Letters or phone calls are good advice.
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It happens very frequently. Some relatives do not want to be bothered with the problems associated with the end of life of elderly parents. So the mentally mourn and bury them a long time before they actually die.
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I wouldn't rely on texts. Do you have a physical address for him?

You should let him know what's happening with your mother now. What went on before, the reason why he's lost touch so completely, is probably harder to get to the bottom of AND is not your problem; it's also not your problem if he chooses not to respond; but the humane thing is to give him the information. Don't be tempted to add any requests or instructions - say something like "I think it right to let you know that..." and leave him to decide what he wants to do. If anything.

Make sure you give him your current telephone number and return address.

You don't say, though - have you actually tried calling him?
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Katefalc Mar 2022
And maybe he’s moved or passed away ?
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I'm sympathetic that it's difficult to know how to deal with this when there are dysfunctional family situations, long standing emotions around that, and a heightened stress response involved.

Barb gave good advice here. You can text him a very brief update, offer that he can contact you if he'd like more information, and carry on with what you have to do for yourself and your mum.
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dear OP :),

i'm sure it's not nice for you, or your mother, to get ignored by your brother.

some people cut contact, and that's how it is.
you and your mother decide if you want to write to him -- yet again.

a little quote:
"stop worrying about people who aren't worried about you."
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Does it cost you much (psychically) to send a text or email saying "mom is very ill; please contact me if you'd like more information "?
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