My 72 year old mom moved in with my husband and me 2 years ago. She is physically and mentally healthy. I used the term caregiver with her some time ago and she came unglued. That has me feeling hesitant to post my questions here. So, do I belong here since she takes care of herself but lives with us?
If your mom is physically and mentally healthy, she is able to manage personal hygiene, cook for herself if needed, manage her finances, communicate, get around on her own, keep her room clean, etc., then I would have to say no, you do not give her care. She is a “boarder” but technically not in your care.
What sort of forum are you looking for?
Welcome.
YOU ARE A CAREGIVER!
Not only are caregivers required to do all these things and be NICE, they must not allow their care recipients to know you are a caregiver!
Welcome!
Instead of your Mom going to a senior center, personally I feel 70 is too young to even be there, is for Mom to do some volunteer work that is an easy drive for her. Volunteering is the greatest feeling in the world, plus she will meet new people closer to her age. Then and maybe then your Mom will start taking better care of herself.
Yes, you are a caregiver if you are driving Mom to doctor appointments, etc. And with Mom having those ailments. Curious about the poor vision. What does the ophthalmologist have to say about this issue? Regarding Mom's knees, do they hurt because of her weight? Take her walking if you can, its a great way to keep the pounds down [I need to take my own advice].
Reading that your Mom was never lived on her own reminded me of my own Mom. My Mom hated being on her own any time Dad was on a business trip or in the hospital. Then it dawned on me, Mom and all her sisters lived at home until they were married.
Welcome to the forum :)
Google "fear, obligation and guilt". Then read about how adult children set boundaries with their parents.
Your mother has some serious illnesses which are progressive. She may have some mental illness or a personality disorder. She is certainly not a fully functional, independent person, is she?
Yes, you belong here! Start setting boundaries on your time, both for work and with your husband. And start looking at senior apartments in your area for mom.
Please find yourself a therapist and go so that you have someone to guide and support you in the battle for freedom from the big three, "Fear, Obligation and Guilt"
Your Mom has the personality of someone who had a perforated ulcer, maybe keeping things in.
Send her to talk therapy.
Protecting her dignity might help also, so that she doesn't have to see you as her caregiver.
What is the relationship she has with your hubs? That could be important, a clue as to what she needs. That is quite a Dagwood you both are building there.
With your Mom being so young you likely have many years in front of you. You will be a MUCH better caretaker as time goes on if you take care of yourself first (like the oxygen mask in a plane), so think of it as helping your mom as well as yourself. I know that there are good books out there on boundary setting, but I can't remember their name. However Captain Awkward (google it) is an advice columnist all about setting boundaries and she has great advice so go check out her archives.
I had my own issues with the care taking I was doing for my parents and my husband who has his own special needs. Seeing a therapist was hugely helpful!!
Good luck.
My mom has been in her apartment for three years now. She's in a great place that has continuing care. They have all kinds of activities and trips but she still chooses to sit and watch TV all day. The good news is she has made friends and meets them every night for Happy Hour and dinner.
I've really had to work hard to make her independent. I had to for her sake and mine. Take care of yourself and listen to what others have said about setting boundaries.
Yes, you are a caregiver. Her illnesses are going to progress. you are doing for her now and it will become much more. Being here you may very well learn how to handle different issues before they become an issue. That makes you a planner, that is good for you and all involved.
If she says she does not need any assistance then you should have no problem getting her to look at apartments, maybe even a senior complex.
Witnessing our parents’ decline is draining and stressful.
Compounded by.....Whyyyyy do so many ailing parents insist on being his/her own worst enemy???!?
In turn, the ailing parent looks to us to be the on-demand enabler. Or the on-demand miracle worker. Or the on-demand denier.
OH the skewed reality! It’s crazy-making.
In your case — Mom needs you nearby, for sure. But not necessarily in the next room! How about the next town...?!
Seriously, any chance Mom can get into an “over 55” apartment building? Or a independent-living unit on a campus that offers assisted living and/or skilled care as needs escalate?
Keep coming back to AC Forum for support and ideas. Search “boundaries.” Be good to yourself. 🧡
You belong in bed early enough to get enough rest, regularly.
You belong at the hairdresser or gym regularly and enough to keep you feeling good.
You belong at the doctor for yourself often enough to stay healthy.
And other "belongings" too.
Sorry, but this doesn't have to be all doom and gloom. It might well be eventually but your Mom sounds like she just needs to be nudged in the right direction. There is still hope for an okay outcome but don't wait too long.
Seriously, I think that train has left the station. Every little nudge seems to make Mom break down in tears or resort to guilt-tripping and manipulation.
KJ needs some genuine support and serious suggestions here. Mocking other posters isn't the least bit helpful.
One of the drawbacks of moving a parent close to you is that you at least initially become their entire world and social life. It's hard to break free of that when they don't have any other contacts or activities in the area. I had that problem with my mother too, but your issue is worse because your mother was totally wrapped up in her husband before she moved in with you. She never learned to find her own friends or activities.
She needs to find some activities outside the house. You may need to make a lot of suggestions and apply some pressure, and convince her that it's not healthy for anyone for her to rely on you and hubby for all her activities.
There have to be some activities for her in a big place like Jacksonville. Does she play cards? Read books? Watch birds? Collect china? Enjoy museums? There must be seniors' groups in your area who cater to whatever interests your Mom has developed in the past, and if you can get her to try them out, it could give you a bit of a break. Yes, you may need to go with her at first, to help her break the ice. Think of it as an investment in your own future. Your own freedom and independence.
I also agree with a longer range plan to move her into her own place. But I think that until she has some sort of life of her own, she'd never agree and you'd just be unleashing massive hysterics and guilt-tripping.
You belong here and you're one of us now.
(Picture a sinister, hooded figure laughing- ne-ah-ha-ha! 👽 We've gotcha'.)
[OK, I'm weird.]
Keep reading and posting. We'll be with you throughout the process. You're not alone. We're all in the same boat together.
Welcome
Never fear for here we are! - as my not very poetic granny used to say.
All I meant was her Mom is still young and therefore it isn't too late to turn things around. As far as my remark about the song lyrics, that's what the thread reminded me of and so I voiced it. It's called humor Carla. Maybe if you weren't such a humorless person you would see that. I'm not expecting everyone to see the humor in things just the way I do but having a sense of humor is what got me through some really tough times. You should try it some time.
Oh, and by the way. Not everybody needs to have the same opinion to be welcome on this forum. Different points of view and different ways of seeing things are part and parcel of being human beings otherwise we might as well all be robots.
Apparently, everyone but Gershun .......
When I first started posting, someone asked me directly: "Are you a caregiver?",
wanting to weed out the riff raff who weren't 24/7 caregiving their Mom.
I belong here.
Gershun belongs here.
I really appreciate the thanksgiving letter 2017 received by the Admins of AC, thanking me for my contributions here.
All are welcome here until it becomes obvious they are trolls, or putting others on the spot frequently. Some do it much more often than others. And it does not help to get defensive. Caregiving has given us all a thick skin, why take out frustrations on others here? We certainly do not need it. Maybe it is society in general. Everyone is so easily hurt by something someone says. Soon no one will be talking at all, too afraid someone will take something wrong.