I love my mom. I know “things were different then” and I’m in therapy working through why I am the way I am. She’s planned a trip this spring by herself. She’s begged me to go with her, offered to pay. It would be just her and I. I go back and forth daily. No, I’m not going because over a week with her so far away from home I would be at her whim- and wrath. Yes, I should go because she’s my mom and I love her. It’s only x amount of days in my life and it could be the last trip I take with her. We lost my dad recently. You never know. It would make her so happy if I went. I’m the peace maker, emotional support, dependable child. My sibling has not had to deal with anything when it comes to her. While I recognize the generational trauma, it stops here. I’m working on it. My brain knows it would not be a safe space for me to go on this vacation, but my heart says suck it up, she’s your mother, do this for her. Please help. The guilt is eating me alive.
Loving someone does not mean being their doormat.
Making a plan with mom BEFORE the trip for a certain amount of time for each of you to be on your own (to go to different museums, activities or cafes or just be alone) will tell you loads about whether you should go.
Read up on Fear Obligation and Guilt.
https://outofthefog.website/
Substitute other short, fun day trips that afford you an exit strategy.
You deserve that.
Your mental health is WAY more important than any trip with your mom could ever be.
What you're feeling is grief not guilt. Grief that you didn't have the kind of mom you needed growing up, and grief that you never will. That's not your fault and you have nothing to feel guilty about.
So follow your brain on this one and kick that guilt to the curb.
My mother said recently how she wished she could go on another cruise. My husband thought it would be nice for me to take her on one. But I am certain I could not do it. She’s tough and demanding and can turn on you. Not to mention she has heart trouble and is not mobile anymore. It would be a horrible trip.
It can’t happen now anyway since she is in a NH. So thankfully it’s a non issue.
Suggestion: maybe a weekend trip, rather than a full week? I was in a similar situation about 10 years ago with my mom (as well as a similar sibling relationship). It was a 3 hour drive for us, just a weekend. Despite my apprehension, I enjoyed the outing (a big part of it was because I picked the location and activities). Pretty sure a full week would've pushed my limits! Just a thought. My best to you in whatever you decide!
I like AnnReid’s idea of day trips that can be cut short if it’s not going well and you can return home early if needed .
You don’t owe her a vacation . After my FIL’s wife died, he badgered us to accompany him on a cruise to Alaska “ because his wife would never go” . That’s not my problem . They had gone on at least 30 cruises together already in warmer climates. He could have gone without her to Alaska before his health and mobility got so bad , but I’m sure his horrible wife would have given him loads of grief over it , so that is why he would never go without her . Again not my problem .
We weren’t taking on the stress of being hands on caregivers for him on a cruise , wheelchair , walker , bags of Depends etc. I told him to hire an aide to go along with him ( he didn’t ). Not to mention hubby and I don’t even like the idea of being stuck on a ship and it’s scheduled off loads, pushing FIL around in a wheelchair and making sure we got back in time. It would have been a horrible trip.
You don’t have to go on a trip because you love her . And you dont have to go because it will make her happy. You are not responsible for her happiness. You should put your own mental health first.
Stop feeling guilty. Your mother is not a nice person. It sounds like she abused you as a child (emotionally at the minimum I don't know if she abused you in other ways too) and she is still using you as her whipping post verbally.
Here's the thing you don't have to do anything for your mother. She certainly doesn't deserve anything after how she treated a helpless and defenseless child. The fact that she is still doing these terrible things to you is reason enough for you to say, "No mom. I am not going on this trip with you." You could tell her the reason why but I am sure she would just blow that off as you being too sensitive or she would deny her abusiveness.
Yes generational trauma exists and we can say mom is the way she is because of how she was treated as a child. But is that really an excuse? Because if that was the case every single child that was abused would be abusive to their own children. The reality is that she chose to abuse her children. There is something broken and wrong in her brain and she lacks empathy for others. Sadly especially for her own children. It is all about her and her feelings and her needs and her wants. I say screw that. It is time for you to focus on you and your needs and your wants and to hell with your mother.
It would be a positive thing for you if your mother died. That's just how I see it when these abusers are still abusing their adult children and said adult children cannot cut off all contact (as they should).
Love her from a distance (if you must) but please stop trying to make her happy. If she endures just a small dose of misery as a consequence of her actions that would be a very good thing. She will never emphasize with what she did and is doing to you mentally but at least you are standing up for yourself and saying NO MORE. I will not allow this person to do this to me just because she is my mother.
Might be time to do some work on you, being a superhero actually serves no purpose. Your sibling seems to have found some balance in her life in regard to your mother.
Keep in mind you are her equal, not a child who has to do everything she wants you to do.
Maybe a day trip now and then, she is toxic to you, take a stand for your mental well-being.
Good Luck!
Have you written down all the Pro's and Con's on paper? (I bet the Con's list is longer)
One of the things that many people do not pay attention to is that "feeling" .....
that feeling you get in your gut when you walk down a dark street
that feeling that "something" is going to happen.
You are getting those feelings and you are trying to ignore them.
I would say for me it would depend on where / what the trip is.
If you can get away during the trip and do your own thing.... and mom can safely go off on her own
If you can stay at the hotel and lounge by the pool.... and mom can go safely on her own.
BUT if you HAVE to be with her every moment that would be a HARD NO for me.
Travel is already stressful and to add on a travel partner that you do not get along with would be an absolute nightmare.
You have nothing to feel guilty about. you are trying to protect an important, vulnerable person, YOU.
If you do decide to go just make plans that you leave at any time the situation becomes more than you can handle. That might mean purchasing a ticket home on your own. (and if this is a cruise that would be crazy expensive)
But have you EVER been able to make her happy?
I doubt it, or you wouldn't be in therapy over her.
Your siblings are very wise. Keep in contact with them and follow their lead.
They have already learned to stay away.
Guilt is not the problem here. Guilt infers you CAUSED your mom's problems and you can fix them. That isn't the case.
The correct G-word is "grief". You mourn you have the mom you have, and cannot change her.
I cannot imagine any therapist of yours (and that's who you should be asking) would recommend you place yourself in this sort of jeopardy where you cannot escape for a week.
If you wish to have time with Mom let her know you are up for lunch, etc.
Tell her IF that goes well, you may branch out. IF it does not, then you would honestly be a fool to consider locking yourself in with her for a week.
Let Mom know you love her and hope she finds a nice friend to travel with, but that currently the status of your time together doesn't warrant any such risk on your part.
Time for honesty. Trying to avoid honesty is a full time job that doesn't pay well.
Full stop.
Don't go.
What things were different? Emotional and physical abuse are and were always wrong.
So is trying to control via money, which her paying for the trip amounts to, a bribe.
Mom will also treat the daughter like a servant since she paid.
"I’m the peace maker, emotional support, dependable child. " This gets tiresome after a while. This was me out of 4 children and the oldest and a girl. It would have been nice to step back and let someone else be the "good" child for a change. I will tell you that being that kind of person gets you nowhere. My friends and family have no problem telling me NO but when I say it, OMG JoAnn said no. Then they want to know why. I never ask them why. Be yourself but don't let people take advantage. You have a right to say No with no explanation. Last time I was asked why I said because I don't want to.
You know in ur gut that this vacation will not go well. How can you have a nice time when you have to walk on eggshells because that is what it will be. Just waiting for that shoe to drop. I agree, if you plan on doing this, separate rooms so u can have downtime.
My therapy cost me a lot of money, way back when, and taught me ONE thing: you'll never be friends with your mother. And that's okay.
What on earth are YOU eaten up with guilt over? Isn't SHE the one whose supposed to be eaten up with guilt over her treatment of YOU?
Stay home and stop trying to be the daughter she'll never appreciate, or trying to make her the mother she's incapable of being.
There's freedom in that acknowledgement, my friend.
I went on vacation with my mother one time many years ago for a week.
One time was one time too many.
NEVER again.
I have been on vacation with both sets of in-laws and it was always a good time.
One time my mother was invited to come along with my in-laws to Cape Cod for a week. They paid for everything and thought it would be nice to invite my mother to come along.
They didn't know any better.
The plan was that they were going to stay for one week then let my husband and I have the beach house for a week on our own. We didn't have a proper honeymoon so we were looking forward to it.
My mother didn't even wait until we got there to start with the passive/aggressive "BS". She started in the car on the ride up. Everyone was trying really hard because we wanted to have a good time and wanted her to also. She did not. I think it was around the second day of the trip, my husband finally lost it with her. She was forced into the car and he drove over four hours to drop her off home. Then he got in the car and drove right back another four hours.
First and only time I ever took a vacation with my mother.
I think incorporating a third person will also keep your mother's "whim and wrath" in check.
Also, don't let her pay for it. If you let her pay you are beholden to her. When you are beholden to a person (especially a senior) because they paid for something the big entitlement behavior often starts up. So pay for yourself.
It can work out if you bring a third and pay for yourself. This way you're not taking anything from your mother so she cannot make demands on you.
She is pulling a classic abusive tactic. Being nice, wanting to pay for the whole trip, wanting to spend time with you. So you go on the trip where you’re in close quarters and you can’t just up and leave. She now has every opportunity to make the rest of the trip a living hell for you. You’re a trapped audience.
You’re in therapy because of this woman. Why would you want to go on a trip with her? If you’re hoping for her to be different this time. It won’t happen.
You mention repeatedly that you love your mother. It’s like you’re trying to convince yourself that you truly love her? I get it, but why do you love someone who hurt you so much? You didn’t deserve that. You want her to love you back SO badly. She doesn’t sound capable of that. Stop trying to make her happy with you, or happy in general. Abusers are only happy when they’re hurting someone.
Your mom won't be so happy with this trip. She'll be happy that she "won". That she beat you down, once again, and got her way.
Just make up some lame, vague excuse and stick to it. Once you've given her a firm no, tell her it is not up for discussion and you do not want her to beg you anymore. If she insists on continuing to bug you about this, change the topic or get off the phone or cut your visit short. She'll learn to stop. Or not.
Best of luck.
You need a strong focus for those feelings trying to sabotage your therapy.
Give yourself some feedback. Do some writing in a journal on the daily. Take some walks or join an exercise class. Get plenty of sleep, eat healthy. You know. All the basics to help see what pops up for you on your healing journey.
You’ve established some boundaries. You perhaps feel a bit healed up from having distanced from mom but now you are wondering if you can trust yourself to not let this extreme dose of mom upset your emotional vital boundaries. And of course you want this relationship to work. You have buried one parent and are perhaps a bit vulnerable to all things mom right now.
It sounds like you are willing to work hard on healing which is what it takes. You may not be ready by the spring but you could use that as a goal with checkpoints along the way. If mom presses you for an answer now, then you may have to postpone for another time. This is about you. Not mom. I say it’s about you, because you are the only one you can control/manage/choose for.
The book “Boundaries” is often recommended on this forum. It has helped a lot of people and has been a best seller for years. I recently saw a new book by the Boundaries author, Henry Cloud.
The new book is called “Trust”. There might be something for you there.
You can find quite a bit about “Boundaries” online. In fact, Dr Cloud has books, podcasts, etc. that might be worth a look to see if they would augment your therapy.
I mean no disrespect to your mom.
Think about mom as an addict might consider their fix. It is so so tempting to take that drink, or go to that casino, or buy that huge box of potato chips 🤨😫😱
Once you have been “working your program” long enough you may find yourself in a great place to enjoy a visit with mom. A trip might be too scary. It all depends on your appetite to flirt with danger, how much your adult self has worked to protect your inner child and whether you are able to rise above the many triggers that your mom in her unawareness (or need for her own fix) will flood the environment with. And lickety-split you are (both) off to the races.
It really isn’t guilt, it could be you want the fix but are aware enough to know you aren’t ready and you have probably lived long enough to know that sometimes we can crawl back on the wagon right away and sometimes we don’t manage it for a long long painful time if ever. I have in my life an alcoholic who was in recovery for 17 years and a couple of years ago she decided, how hard could it be? I’ll enjoy this vacation and then go back to my sobriety. Didn’t happen. Her life is now a mess.
You know the answers are pretty simple but implementing the answer can be very difficult and as you say TOO MANY FEELS. Decide for yourself to do all the right things to get this anxiety beat back so you can think clearly.
Big hugs to you. Let us know how you are doing.
1) NOT ‘a trip’! That sounds like you’ll be travelling together a lot of the time – and can’t get away. Worst option for you! Add in an audience on a group trip, and it could be a nightmare.
2) A fixed location with separate rooms and lots of things to do outside the venue. Say that you’ll be out and about on your own, and what is she going to do with herself while you are gone? See how that goes down.
3) Think twice or three times about her paying. Is this trip for her benefit or yours? Does she think she is ‘buying’ your company? If ‘the pleasure of her company’ is all she is offering you, think four or five times more. Ask her what she thinks you will enjoy on your own terms.
These options might make things clearer for you. And you can perhaps say no on the basis that you don’t think you will enjoy it, based on her plans. Or even yes, if the answers are ‘right’.
Just say “ No . It won’t work for me”. No further explanation required .
It also took me a long time to learn that I wasn’t required to explain why I didn’t fulfill a wish . “ It’s not possible “ is enough .
Make this *reasearch*. (Or think of the last time you did)
How did that go?
Did you choose a location that worked for both of you? Menu that suited both? Did you enjoy each other's company? Have a few laughs? Were any little disagreements worked out smoothly?
Or was the location chosen by Mom. Menu to suit Mom. Were you treated as 'the child', expected to obey her at every turn?
Are you equals? Or is there a power imbalance?
It doesn’t sound like you will enjoy a trip with your mom. Can your mom find someone else to go with her?
Once she got really old, like in her 90s, she outlived all her friends. She wanted to go places, but her friends couldn't go with her. My sister and brother were working and couldn't get away. Suddenly, her demeanor to me changed.
I took a chance and went on a cruise with her. My brother talked and coached my Mom about how to not push my buttons.
My Mom loved the trip and she and I got along well. There were some items that she later said that she originally rejected, however, she went along because my brother told her to, and found out that the outcome was so much better than she had anticipated. We went on 4 or 5 trips after that.
So, I would suggest that you look inward. Decide what she does that just sets you off, and talk to her and come to a compromise. After you have done that, if she is still interested in going on a trip with you and you are willing to try, then go. However, if you don't feel like she could hold up her end-of-the-bargain, then choose not to go.
For your sake, at some point in your life, you should face these issues and talk to her. If she is still relentless, then put some distance (and try again later). However, if she is willing and able to change, it could be beneficial to both you and her to have a better relationship.
P.S. After those 5 trips, my Mom fell and broke her hip. Guess who moved close to take care of her. It wasn't my brother or sister.
When we evacuated for Katrina it was the longest trip with my mother. Daddy died three years prior to Katrina.
We booked a couple of suites in a Hilton which we were very lucky to get. Things were booking up fast.
I called a friend in Houston to have lunch and she insisted that we check out of the hotel and stay with her family.
They live in a huge mansion. My friend had friends staying there before we arrived and people staying after we left. She is such a sweetheart and helped people evacuating from Katrina. We have known each other for years.
I was fortunate that my friends loved my mom. Mom was extremely grateful for my friend’s hospitality during that trip. She watched the news and knew right then that she no longer had a home to go back to.
Not to be a downer but things can always be worse than they are. Having said this, I still wouldn’t go on a trip with your mom. You seem to know that it won’t be pleasant in any way. Plan another vacation separately from your mom. Have her schedule a tour with someone else.
My mom was fine on trips during evacuations and pleasure trips. So was my dad. We took many trips together without any issues.
If there had been a problem I wouldn’t have considered traveling with them.
Jess T.
Can you handle it if it is "more of the same"? Are you at a place in therapy where you recognize it, but you don't let it define your or break you? If you are not there....then I would not go.