Do I have to have my mother over for Christmas every year simply because she prefers it to going to my brother's?
My mum is 87, a covert narcissist with whom I have always had a troubled relationship, but who moved to live in an AL near us and has shifted responsibility for her life to us (without asking if we minded!). My brother, who lives 25 miles away, and I always took it in turns to have her with us for Christmas after our dad died. But she now says she doesn't like going to their house for various reasons, most of which my brother has made efforts to overcome. As my mother is not a sociable person she won't go to the Christmas dinner provided by her AL. So we are left feeling obliged to have her here every year, even though we have three children and four grandchildren in different parts of the country and they like to come to stay too.
You might say it's not much to ask, having an old lady over once a year, and that's true (we do an awful lot else for her as well). But it's the sense of obligation and the perceived unfairness that niggle me: do my husband and I have the moral 'right' to choose what we do, which may involve going away with our own family one year, or do we have to put Mum's wishes first?
LO not living with their caregiver but...
Caregiver on call 24/7 for emergencies, many falls, financies, shopping, deliveries, arranging cleaning, cooking, transport, medical appts, social outings & daily aides.
Many parents with disabled adult children or sibs caring for sibs live this way. Have full responsibility for every aspect of their LO life.
She certainly did not care for her mother one jot less than I did.
And when you visit them, you are coming from a different place, emotionally and physically, it is more of a social get together. They may ask you for something, yes, or you may feel obligated to bring something.
My husband's mother was in a facility. They took care of everything. There might be an occasional phone call looking for approval for something, but he did not have to do anything. And when we did visit all her needs were taken care of, everything. Therefor our visits were pleasant.
So I'm confused how you can say it's the same.
Lets be honest. There is an astronomical difference with having loved ones at your home 24/7, to having them live outside with outside care 24/7. I don't think I need to explain the difference.
I recall one daughter's story from a few years back. Both parents were in a facility, but demanded that she bring them home cooked meals every day, and stay to help her father eat since he couldn't feed himself. From what I've heard, it's rare that a facility truly provides for all the person's needs, and even rarer for a senior to be content with what the facility provides and not expect family members to be on call to provide whatever the facility does not.
(LOTZ of them in black and white pictures!!!)
I remember having feelings of being left out when I was younger because they often went to my brothers' home in Ind. We were in WI. Then, as they grew older, they started having "church folks" (without families around) to their home instead of trying to travel in WI (or IN winters). People weren't meant to "be alone" at Christmas so they opened theirs. The ham was fragrant at HER house now. About this time, both of our boys were in MI with families of their own (and trees, and church programs, and neighborhood gatherings.) They came home, eventually, but not on the 25th. We learned to grow up and remember the 25 was just a number.......it was that they came at all that made a difference. They always stopped to see Grandma (2 of them for awhile)..........They were brought up to know the importance of a loving family and what joy old folks (yes, us now) took in the attention, seeing pictures of their homes, and seeing babies and toddlers And, yep, as long as dad could click a picture, he did. He'd even take pictures of the license plate.........one from WI, one from IN and 2 from MI.
I know I resented my mom for making plans and either choosing to go to my brothers or have her church family over. It had always been "our" time.
I'm that mother now.
In all practicality, it isn't realistic to be going to MI for us anymore. Our kids are still in MI and they do come.....eventually. They have kids in church activities, other family near-by and enjoy their OWN tree and traditions. Would I be that mom the letter writer didn't seem to have time for? You bet (!) I rather everything be like it used to be! !!!! My way.
Someday, that writer will see an empty chair, or wish mom was there to catch a special moment. It took my dad's passing to realize how horribly I had been resenting mom for not adhering to MY expectations of how the holidays would go.
Have mom over. If not for days, try hours. If she is in assisted living, find some time in the day to share a meal with her. It's a nominal fee and you BOTH will feel the love.(unless the narcissim was hereditary and you feel she imposed on YOU!) She'll love it and someday you'll be glad she got a chance to enjoy what you seemingly are too selfish to share. Look back and see HER in your Christmas photos!
Can you imagine what she would be feeling if she felt she was too much an imposition for you to be "obligated" to include her? My grandchildren LOVE seeing the Great Gram's and hearing the old stories (we have one less to share with them this year.) Can you even imagine, even a self-centered mother, not wanting to make the holidays special for you? What did she deprive you of that you would be this mean-spirited? Getting even because she didn't ask YOUR permission to be near family?
I hope you get a mirror for Christmas.......take a REAL good look and wonder if that person could actually be too busy to include mom. You have an obligation to teach and show YOUR children what you felt YOU missed out on.
I am older and wiser...... no-longer mad at mom for the "inconvenience" I perceived. Hopefully, you can grow up too, before you look back and there is someone missing from the pictures from your holiday memories!
"That doesn't fit in with our plans this year".
"We've decided to do Christmas early this year and make it quieter so you don't get frazzled like you did last year".
"I'm having some health issues and my doctor has told me to tine the holidays down this year".
If the parent creates drama, tries to manipulate or induce guilt, keep quiet, don't react, respond with an "hmmmm".
Call up your brother and tell him that you cannot and will not invite your mom this year due to your health and her unhappiness at your home in the past.
It sounds like your mom carries her unhappiness around with her wherever she goes. Your husband needs to realize this.
No one is responsible for the happiness of another.
It's her choice if she wants to skip your brother's year and you don't have to fill in the gap. She may decide that it's better to go to your brother's house than be alone. It Is Her Choice to be alone if it is his turn.
You are not responsible if she chooses to be alone, even if she tries to guilt you into it. You do not have to tie yourself into knots trying to please someone who won't treat you well.
Go away with your family and simply say you are unavailable.
Sounds like you have had years with her there, so there is no law it has to be every year.
Most AL facilities work hard at having an exceptionally nice Christmas dinner and may welcome families who make reservations. Could you work this into your schedule? Bring her some gifts or special treats, Then celebrate at another time with whomever and however you wish. If you attend dinner at the facility, she won't be able to call the shots, claim you abandoned her or run the show. And it won't be a long drawn-out affair since care givers there must get on with their usual duties.
You don't need to offer her an elaborate "excuse"...anything that seems appropriate .Could be just have "some other plans for the day" or claim you want a break from all the cooking etc. "We thought this might be a nice change!" could be enough...Keep it brief, simple, than change the subject.
Thanks for all the practical suggestions - clearly not my strong suit.
But my GF had a mother who she never understood why she treated her like she did. No physical abuse but it was very obvious that younger sister was favored. It was so bad when Summer came, her Mom shipped her off to relatives 7 hrs away till school started. She was one miserable lady.
Thank God that you have never been around a narcissistic person. Its all about them. They really don't know how to love and have very little empathy. They bring everyone down.
I had a friend's boys tell her that she was not invited to Christmas dinner because they didn't want the Drama. She just couldn't go and enjoy the time with her son, she had to make her comments to others that she rarely sees her sons so it was nice finally being invited and so on and so on. She never saw where she was wrong.
Yes, this woman is old and won't be around much longer, but SHE has made her bed. People don't want to be around negative people. Yes, its harsh. Me, I am 72 and I really don't want my remaining Holidays ruined by a negative person.
Certainly you recognize that your post is extremely offensive to many of the participants in this forum who have lost a parent and are overcome with grief when faced with nostalgic thoughts of the holidays.
I’m glad, though, that you are asking in this anonymous place rather than asking people that know you.
Sounds like the Apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.
Your father died x years ago.
Your mother continued to live alone for [time], then unilaterally decided to move nearer to you.
For x years, you and brother alternated Christmases.
X years ago, mother stopped going to brother for whatever reason (probably dispute related, to do with sprout preparation or pigs-in-blankets or Queen's Christmas message or when to open presents - those are the big issues).
So how many Christmases on the trot have you done now?
It is definitely his turn, I'm just wondering how big a precedent you have to overcome.
Christmas lunch at the ALF is for people who don't have any family within travelling distance, or not that can tolerate them anyway. It isn't reasonable to expect your mother to include herself voluntarily in that category. "My presence is a nuisance to my children, this is only natural and I must accept it" is a bit too big a philosophical ask, really.
I give you permission to enjoy your Christmas without your mother.
”But it’s the sense of obligation and the perceived unfairness that niggle me: do my husband and I have a moral ‘right’ to choose what we do... or do we have to put mum’s wishes first.”
Christmas is two months away and the poor woman is already worried about needing a break from her mother, for a single holiday, with other provisions available.
She’s suffering with the unfairness of bearing the burden unilaterally.
She’s not asking for tips on how to reduce the stress of pandering to her narcissistic mother’s wishes. Those well-intended suggestions compound the sense of obligation.
She’s considered the realities of having her mother for Christmas and decided that’s not best for her and her husband this year.
She’s asking members of this caregiver group for approval, or permission, or a maybe a simple lack of condemnation, to prioritize her and her husband’s needs.
Yes. It’s ok to take a break for Christmas.
* While I understand the sense of obligation, these are internal feelings / behaviors likely established decades ago.
* there comes a time - like now - when you take your personal power back and do what you want to do, realizing that the feelings of obligation may lurk around for a while as this is new behavior.
- If you have difficulty setting limits, enlist the support of your family, a social worker, or a therapist.
- This care isn't all on you unless you decide it is. This doesn't mean making these decisions are easy. They are not. However, you need to evaluate the quality of your life, your life-style, your relationship with your spouse and the rest of your family - and figure out what you want.
* I would presume that others in your family could help YOU out - ? Perhaps talk to them. This is NOT about your mother making decisions and 'ruling the roost' as she likely did all your life (being a narscisst as you say) It is about you taking your personal power back and doing what is right for you, with the support and help of your family.
* Be aware that you use phrases such as "do we have to . . . " you need to be aware every moment you say this or words / phrases that give your mother the power to decide what YOU do. NO YOU DON'T HAVE TO. And tell yourself that when you reframe your thoughts . . . which translate into behavior.
- Learn to reframe these thoughts. Take back your inner power. You deserve a quality (of) life, TOO. Right?
*****
Yes, that 'obligation' darkness will lurk over you like a thundering storm about to drench you; be ready for it and observe "Oh, I feel . . . without the judgment).
- If you can do just this - it'll be huge. When you remove the judgment, you can make healthy decisions for yourself, and your mother.
*****
From my point of view, you and your husband have EVERY right to choose what the two of you do; you need to feel this in your gut and heart. Otherwise, Mommy Dearest will have her way with you. Here's a hug. Gena
This mother has someplace to go for the Holiday her sons. Its his turn. Helen had her last year. Mom has no choice, it her son's turn.
"Mom, he would be so hurt if you didn't come" 😊
And you are right - you stated that "you don't even know her mother"...I think I can guarantee that if you did know what a covert narcissist mother is really like, then you would feel differently.
You could possibly have answered your question yourself.
I cannot believe some of the answers you are receiving here. A simple 'no' from some of those commenting below would have been suffice.
You could possibly have answered your question yourself or you could take the worst possible advice that's been on here in quite awhile. No wonder people are in the shape they're in today .
And I don't even want to hear what you 'old' people think. I'm 30 years old & I not only care for mum, but grandparents AND work at a Nursing Home.
So, go ahead & start smoothing out your own wrinkles in the mirror. When you do - I guarantee you'll see the reflection of your narcissistic children running past you to do something that's a lot more fun😊
But if I do, I hope to be kind and grateful for the help.
I do not have children.
But I like to think that if I had, I would have been a kind, caring, loving, nurturing, thoughtful, patient, protective, understanding, good role model in their life. I hope they would have felt safe in their home with me.
We were not all that lucky to have had even 1 person like that growing up in our life. So please before you judge, come back when you have more experience, and are more aware of yourself. You will take stock of how you were raised, and who is to blame for the good or the bad and based on that you will understand more.
You need to be aware that many parents were not good to their children. Many parents are guilty of every kind of abuse imaginable and even some you would never imagine. The people complaining about their parents on this forum most likely did not have caring nurturing parents. If you are lucky enough to have good parents that is great, You are luckier than most.