She’s been in MC for two months now. Every time I visit, several times a week, she wants to know when she’s going home. Other times she lets me know she is NOT staying much longer. Because I had read its best to be evasive, I tell her that the doctors are adjusting her meds so that she won’t be so confused. Some people tell me I should just come out and tell her this is your new home. I really don’t know which way would be best. I’ve told her several times that she had had strokes and it has effected her, she forgets. She can forget something in five minutes. I feel telling her every time I visit that she is not going home will just keep her agitated. Mom has always been very controlling and a difficult patient. Always expecting everything to be her way. Please share your thoughts, I just don’t know what to do.
The people who say you should tell her THE TRUTH may never have “lived” with someone experiencing dementia and experiencing resettlement in new surroundings.
Sometimes “going home” lasts for several weeks to a few months, but ultimately her MC WILL become “home” for her.
I wouldn’t bother to talk to her about the past, including the strokes, and it’s totally useless to discuss not going home.
Your safest course is to be where her conversation goes, state clearly and concisely why it’s not happening today (see some sample below) and move on to a different subject.
”I had the floor refinished in all the bedrooms and we can’t walk on it yet”.
”The lawn was treated for beetles and it’s toxic for the first 24 hours”.
“The neighbors said they’re having a party and we wouldn’t be able to sleep because of the noise”.
”The road is being resurfaced and it would be too far to walk”.
Literally ANYTHING that comforts her and gives her a sense of peace IN THE MOMENT. She will be likely to forget what you’ve said quickly, but the anxiety will have passed, at least for the moment.
If there is a geriatric behavior specialist associated with her AL, you might want the therapist to see her. A trial of a small dose of a medication(s) may be very helpful.
For your own comfort, remember that she is NOT living with the personality that she had before she became ill.
Most of us have gotten through this to the other side, and you will too.
Hope you and she soon find peace in her knew surroundings!
When my friend’s MIL with dementia kept asking where her dead husband was, they’d tell her he’s in Heaven. She’d immediately burst into tears, like hearing it the first time. After that, husband was “at work” or “at the store”. She’d keep asking but it at least stopped upsetting her.
I had an old dementia client whose husband died. She couldn't be taken to the funeral and we told all the people who were coming to visit to please not express their condolences her or mention anything about it. We even kept the large-spray funeral flower arrangements out of her sight so she wouldn't ask about them.
Everyone did great and were careful to not mention her husband dying.
Except for one friend who showed up to visit her about a month later. She came in with tears in her eyes, hugging my client and saying how sorry she was.
My client was hearing it for the first time because she had pretty advanced dementia.
She got hysterical, crapped herself, and her friend left. This set her back for several days because she was upset and couldn't remember why. We had a terrible time getting her care, feeding, and medications done.
It's best not to tell them. When she'd ask about her husband we'd tell her he went to visit their son who lived in another state. Or that he was still in the rehab for his broken leg (which happened about 40 years before).
Sometimes she says you know I want to go home, I keep it simple and say ok, I know, and change the subject. I know it’s the hardest thing, the guilt is real, but I know it’s best for her.
Then she forgets what I said so it’s Groundhog Day all over again. but mom lives in the moment so I figure let’s aim for better moments for BOTH of us - which means I fib daily. But these fibs prevent worse moments so why not?
You’re doing the right thing! I think there is just no way to feel good about any of this. Sometimes it’s about picking the least lousy choice.
big hug!
Deflect, deflect, deflect.
Telling her that will just upset her then she probably won't remember why she's so upset and agitated. That kind of upset can really set her functioning level back too. Not to mention making the jobs of the people who take care of her at the MC a lot harder.
I know it's hard to not tell her the truth but it's for her own good.
MJ1929 makes a great suggestion about putting it on the doctor about having them clear her to be discharged.
If you can distract and deflect her when she starts asking about going home, a therapeutic lie is the right thing.
My Mom believes that she looked at all the places we considered (we did drive-bys) and I just kind of ran with and embellished that assumption, and when we talk it through— are the staff ok?… food is good?…this was the nicest place we looked at…—then she kind of works herself around to accepting it. I do offer that if she truly doesn’t like it, I can start to look at other places, which makes her backpedal. For her, being in control is a big issue, so I offer options. What does the staff think would be helpful?
Clarification: Mom is in the AL side of a dementia focused facility, so she does have some autonomy, and she did want a place of her own prior to her move, so the underlying mindset may be different.
Some experts say that honesty is the best policy. BurntCaregiver has a great story of what can happen when you tell the truth. Read her reply to LoopyLoo on July 18. The truth can cause an immediate traumatic reaction for a LO, and result in a more rapid advance in the dementia symptoms. Of course her situation is different, but the LO's reaction can be similar. Simply telling them they are home may cause them to deny that this is home and become argumentative.
On the other hand, some clinicians say it's better to answer with some creative fibbing, so as not to cause a traumatic reaction. But your mom may not over react to being told this is her new home.
So with that said, and all the various posts and options you've rec'd, you still have to decide for yourself what to do. She's going to continue to ask no matter what you say, and you will continue to have to answer, so I would choose the option that will give you the least angst, if that's even possible.
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