Do not want future caregiver responsibilities. How to I get out of this mess dealing with a sweet but inconsiderate mother without added guilt?

ALF that is well run and loads of activities is so much better environmentally
And socially for the elder. My mother has been in one for over five years...
Now she and my dad set it all up when they bought into a life care facility
and condo contract and I was upset then when they sold the house,but what
a blessing it has been. The expense is well worth the great care and programs.
I can visit from the next state frequently and enjoy the time with mom. She
Can do what she would like and not participate in other things. You can take her on fun outings or just to the Dr., but she will have fun with peers when you go........and they do have fun. I suggest you
thoroughly interview nursing, administrative ,and activity staff since you and have the opportunity to select the place with her. If it's close enough for you to visit ,
and other family members too, everyone can get excited about mom keeping her freedom and having a new place to make friends in her peer group........Who wants to hang around their kids and spouse all the time. Peers understand their generational experiences...I hope you can find a great ALF and feel NO guilt in doing so........Ready, set , GO!

you told your mom you would look after her. i think that finding her a good AL place qualifies totally as taking care of her, and looking after her. you will still be part of her life, her activities, she just won't be living with you. that way,she gets the best parts of you ... a daughter who loves spending time with her and wants whats best for her. someone said to me recently 'do whats best for you, because if it is truly the best thing for you, it will end up being the best thing for those you love as well'
don't bring her to live with you. this anxiety and fear only gets worse as possibility becomes probability, and then into reality. tell her you love her, and you want whats best for her, but you want whats best for you and your husband as well. believe me, our marriage should be the first consideration.
good luck, be strong, put YOU first in this. its something i wish i had done when i was being guilt tripped into taking on my FIL. all the very best, xxx

Debralee: I am at my wits end too, but I did not deal with this beforehand the way you need to deal with this now BEFORE SHE MOVES IN. I have always been my mom's best friend, but, my home is no longer a refuge because Mom can do nothing for herself. I almost think she could do more, but she doesn't. Because of the dementia or who knows what, she just sits and waits for me to wait on her all day long. The guilt of her just sitting there, alone--waiting on you, is enough to make you go crazy. I do not know how to turn my back on her now because she is here which is why you need to do it now. I have to believe she will get it. She won't like it, but she will get it. My mom has to go back for a visit with my sister--I have to have a break, and she is killing me with guilt about that. She said she would rather go to a nursing home and I cry inside thinking what it must be like to feel so not in control, but you know what? It is going to happen to us too. I am 55 and life goes crazy fast and I will NOT do this to my kids, end of story. I just want some time to enjoy what I forgot to enjoy before it is too late. I cannot tell you how much I understand what you are feeling.

One way to approach it is to tell your Mom that you think she would get better care in assisted living than you could possibly give her, and that your goal is to see her live long enough to spend all her assets. Tell her you don't care about her money, that you care about what's best for her, and that you taking care of her is not in her best interest. Tell her that you love her with all your heart, and because you do, you can't let her move in with you, but here are these better options: and then list them.

Good luck.

Dealing with a child who cries when she can't have what she wants is hard enough. When it is your mother crying it must be extremely difficult. Be strong. Your mother has cried many times in the past and she survived. She will this time, too.

I don't think you can do this without hurting her. She will choose to be hurt. But she will survive. I think that is more than we can say about the hurt that would be present in your home if she moved in.

About guilt -- that pretty much goes with caregiving. The basic problem is that a loved one is in failing health and there is nothing we can do to change that. The guilt is irrational but it is there anyway. You will feel guilty (and resentment, which induced more guilt) if she moves in with you, making everyone miserable, so that she can leave money to you. You will feel guilty if you don't permit it and she cries and argues. Be prepared to feel guilty but don't let it stop you from taking appropriate action. This is like courage -- courage isn't the absence of fear, it is acting in spite of the fear. You will have to be brave and act in spite of the guilt.

I think the situation is beyond the hinting stage, especially with someone who is deaf to hints she doesn't want to hear. At least this isn't an urgent crisis situation. You can ease into it. "Mother, you deserve more regular housecleaning than we can provide. When we are able to visit we'd like to actually visit with you, not scrub your toilets. So let's start looking for a reliable cleaning person to come once a week for a few hours. You can certainly afford it and you deserve it!" By the way, will your sister go along with this? That could make a difference in how you approach it.

Good luck, and stay strong!

You will still be taking care of your Mother. Our responsibility (IMHO) is to see that they are safe, comfortable and well cared for. That does not mean our parents have to live with us, nor does it mean we should give up our lives, health and wellbeing. You are doing the right thing for both of you.

I know it will be hard but you just have to be honest with her. Maybe talking about this with her doctor present or a good friend will help. The guilt will be hard to get rid of, it is part of caregiving. Even the best of situations carries some guilt, fear and sense of obligation. We never feel we are doing all we should. You are a wonderful daughter and a responsible caregiver. We do the best we can and that is all anyone can expect.

Wish you all the best!

I appreciate everyones support and understanding. I made the mistake of telling my mother I would always take care of her to the best of my ability. We even talked about her moving in with me eventually, big mistake. I did not realize just how needy and emotionally codependent she really is. We are complete opposites and look at life so differently. Her living with me would definately be a disaster. So now I have to somehow tell her she needs to use her assets for her care instead of saving it for her heirs. I am at my wits end on how to do it and the guilt is overwhelming me. I have hinted about in home care, moving closer to me in elderly housing and assisted living options, but she does not acknowlege what I am trying to tell her. She is very emotionally immature and resorts to tears when upset. Another reason I am apprehensive about this issue. She clings to me because I am the most reliable and convenient of her daughters. How do I lift the weight of this burden off my shoulders without hurting her and the guilt that will go with it?

Debralee- i agree. Do NOT do it. My husband was in the same situation. Against all of our better judgement, we let her move in. She made demands of things she needed changed, and we did it. But, she has always been a nasty, miserable person and it did not take long before our home life was miserable. I am very nonconfrontational, but I finally had enough. I told my husband I will gladly be the bad cop if it helps him diplomatically get her out. Finger crossed, she moves next week. Signing her up for ALF information is a good idea. She can just think it is targeted to her because she is a senior. Start telling her about all the great, long trips you and hubby are planning in your retirement. Seriously, life is short. Do not sacrifice your golden years with your husband. You have worked hard for them. Taking care of mom does not mean you have to take her in your home.

Debralee: I am doing what you DO NOT WANT TO DO! It is killing me. I hate to use the word "killing" but it has changed me and I fear I will not find myself again. I have always looked after my mom since my father died 10 years ago and she started to become frail and then one day, she had a stroke and it brought on a fierce bout of dementia of which is better but only some of the time. I have no idea why I let this happen (her moving in with me), but I did. She was in a horrible nursing home and my sister threatened me and said, "If you don't get her out of there, I will."

So I went first, and I did it in agreement to share the responsibility with my retired sister (I am still working full time) who backed out on us a month ago...but recently, my sister noticed my sudden weight loss and I think the guilt got to her so she called to say she would take mom back, but, Mom does not want to go back. She has it too good with me because I cater to her constantly.

You say you want to run away and I am telling you to run away if you can. I love my mom, but I cry inside every day. I mourn for some space and a day without worry. I think I am just totally exhausted. I need to tell you that it is so hard to do this alone without help.

Mom began to manipulate me last night (when we were discussing her going to visit my sister) by saying "I want to change my will and will you my home...you are the only one who has done anything for me...you are the only one who cares," but she is trying to guilt me out of letting my sister take a turn.

Even though my sister and I do not agree, she is still the best place for mom to go for now because she will care for her and my worry will be less. But, there is no winning in this situation. No one wins. Mom will get worse and I will have to face what you are facing now--sooner or later. Once you get your mom in your home, it is so hard to turn back. I am talking about you, and what is best for you. This is not about what is best for mom, according to mom, but if you take your time to find the right place with the right people, you will be so much better off. You both will be better off because you are second guessing yourself now...which means, listen to your gut. I have no idea why I fell into this. I am the baby, the fixer, the one who does for everyone...and now, I am so sad because mom is not mom (dementia has robbed some of her) and every day I face it and I constantly feel trapped because I think I am supposed to entertain her on top of caring for her which leaves nothing left for anyone...especially me. Sorry for being so dramatic, but it is true.

I pity my mom and I feel sorry for myself. If mom were in a home (a good home), I could go see her, laugh with her, take her cookies, talk abut memories, go to Dr. appointments, take her for a ride, and not resent her. No matter how much you love someone, exhaustion and guilt leads to resentment. Mom sits all day and waits for me to bring her food, her medication, her ice cold water, her coffee, her late night snacks, and the big one...tell her where the bathroom is. Yes, that happens all day long. I bather her and she hates me for it. I humiliate her when I ask her to wash herself in between baths and she lies to me all of the time...she comes out of the bathroom (of which she has no idea how she got there) and tells me she just took a bath. Ha ha. Sometimes you just have to laugh. I am starting to sound like a nut job. I hope some of this hits home with you.

Everyone has to evaluate their own situation, level of care needed (now and in the future) and ability and skill set to provide that care, sacrifices needed. I can say that jeannegibbs has always provided great advice (i only wish I could meet her in person!) and nearly everyone on this board has kept me sane and helped me understand myself and my relationship with my parents and sib. One post from someone awhile ago summed it up for me and has become a mantra for me "we aren't obligated to care for our parents because they gave us life or raised us; that was their choice and a parents convenant with God; as parents going forward; it is my job to love and support my children and not have expectations that they will care for me -- it is my job to make sure that I have a plan, communicate that plan with my children for future care and assistance such that I don't burden my children". My hope is that my children and I will have lovely memories, quality time as I age and not wear them out/frustrate them with my day-to-day care (I'll leave that to the professionals).

Invizanon- so while it was physically impractical for you to care for your mother in your home, you are advising someone else that it might be God's plan for them to do so? I don't get it - what is different?
And yes, my Mother and I have a very good relationship. We always have. I have always known that at some point, I would take care of whatever needs my mother had in whatever way would make her most comfortable. She has enough assets to pay for nursing care in whatever capacity she needs, but I am hoping I will be able to care for her until the end of her life myself, however long that might be.

invizanon, it is especially easy to make assumptions when a poster has not filled out their profile form that provides basic information. Forgive me if that makes you feel good. Note, though, that I am not asking for forgiveness. I'd rather be given information. Do you like this little game of ah-ha, caught you at making assumptions, but, hey I forgive you? If not, you could fill out your profile.

And I was sincere in stating my admiration for what you are doing. Answers that say "I did this and you should too" always bug me, though.

Hey Ms. Jeannegibbs -- just saw your post. You are WAY OFF. Anyone can misjudge. It's all right. You are forgiven.
I am in my 60s and going to college, working, trying to squeeze as much as I can out of life. I am a late bloomer, due to negative early programming. Doing my darnedest to prove my parent and grandparent wrong. Blessings to All.

Eguillot, Hello. Yes, I did it for 2 years in my home. It became physically impractical to continue in that capacity. There is money to pay for care, so a balance was achieved-- in my life! Is that OK with you? Lol.
I am really glad I had the opportunity to care for parent in my home. It was a good example for my own children, it also confirmed my suspicions that parent was as unconcerned with others as ever, and probably had mental illness from early age which turned into a form of dementia. I am a good adult child to my parent and have no guilt about how I have cared for parent. I see you have a nice photo with yours. I never had that from the beginning, but God gave me the awareness to do the right thing in spite of being a neglected child. That's all I have to say, going forward.

invizanon - it's obvious you don't know what full time care is yet. Full time care of senior involves not being able to leave the senior alone for 10 minutes, because they might wander off, or fall and break something. It doesn't involve being able to visit them several times a week, and maintain and job and college and social life. Full time care of a senior is a 24/7 job. It's having a monitor in your room so you hear if the senior wakes at night. It's only taking a shower if your senior is sleeping. Want to go to a movie? Make sure your senior can go with you, or find someone to stay with your senior, because 2 hrs gone is WAY too long. Forget milk at the store? Let's see, that's only 10 minutes away, 10 minutes in the store, she just laid down for a nap.... I can probably get there and back before she wakes up.... THAT is full time caregiving.

I admire what you are doing, invizanon, I really do. And since you bring your own situation up as an example, let me ask you a few things. Do you expect to have as much energy in your fifties and sixties as you do in your twenties and thirties? (Good luck on that!) Do you have a husband who also needs your attention and love? Do you have grandchildren whose life you would like to be a part of? Have you worked hard for maybe 40 years and are now looking forward to reaping what you have sown? Do you think that visiting someone several times a week is the same as bringing someone into your house, to be with you 24/7? Were you raised in an abusive home?

You are right. There is a season for everything. I think, though, you are not in a position to compare your situation with Debralee's or anyone else who is at a different end of the age spectrum and/or came from a different and dysfunctional family and/or is not single with no dependents. Debralee and many of us are in a season you haven't glimpsed yet. Don't be so sure that you know what God has in mind for anyone else.

There is a season for everything, and now you are coming into that part of the circle of life which requires reciprocation and compassion. Doing the right thing is always an honor. You say your Mother is sweet but inconsiderate. Be thankful she is sweet. Sit down with her and have a discussion without thinking of anyone's inconsiderate attitude and let her know of your "plans and goals." God loves to hear of our plans and goals, too. He may have a different plan for you that includes caring for your Mom.
I don't like to refer to myself or my situation when answering posts such as these, but I attend college and work while caring for my own parent, visit several times a week, manage her finances, keep up my house and yard, and have a social life. It is possible. Think about it positively and inclusively. Good luck.

Just say no.

Say it over and over -- to yourself -- until it is an automatic response when your mother asks/demands/suggests something of you that you are not willing to provide. And, OMG, definitely say No to her moving in with you. This irrational desire to "leave a legacy" after death to people you don't treat decently while you are alive drives me bonkers.

If your mother does not have enough money to meet her needs -- for example to pay for ALF -- she will have to liquidate assets and use her money on her care and then apply for Medicaid. She will not be able to "leave a legacy" -- sad, but that is the way things are. To expect you to sacrifice now so that she can leave you some money after she dies (when it is highly unlikely there will be any money) is just plain nuts. I can tell you are not buying into it. Stay strong.

You don't want to be responsible for your mother's move and house sale? Start looking now for reputable estate-sale firms, house-prep folks, and realtors. Have a few firms in mind you can suggest to your mother when the time comes. If you have a little folder tucked away that you compiled at your leisure it will be much easier to say No when that time rolls around.

Above all, know that this is Not Your Fault. You do deserve your own retirement years to be a stress-free as you can make them. Your mother has made her bed. It is not up to you to protect her from having to lie in it.

Capnhardass please refrain from posting anything in regards to me. Thank you

you dont want the burden of caring for an elderly parent but im an insensitive oaf. fair enough. i was just joking but the cat will trounce you in civil court..

Agree with above comments. Get her on mailing list for a couple of AL facilities and they will send info. Doesn't mean she'll be open to it; but maybe she'll read them and it sets the tone. Secondly, don't worry. I haven't wanted my mom to move in either (though she hasn't asked and is fiercly independent). She would prefer I quit my job, leave my family and move up to take care of her but staying out of her business -- her way or no way. My approach has been, I dont' have the skill set to offer the best care and there are plenty of senior resources "to help her maintain her independence and be master of her own destiny". I would keep reinforcing that message and telling her that you have "researched" and living with you isn't going to be a good long term solution and ask her how you can help her make plans for the future -- can you take her to some select care facilities in her or your area just for a visit to get a feel for the atmosphere. Keep sending her activity calendars from care facilities; take her for a visit and tour of her local senior center; make an appt with their director and have the director talk to her about local activities, trips and options; encourage her to go on a day trip with her senior center. If you don't want to be a caregiver; then don't. From being on this forum (godsend from all of these caregivers or loved ones who've walked the walk); I know it is not for me and not in the best interest of my own mom for me to care for her. I can offer more quality and loving time if she gets the outside care she needs.

((((debralee)))) - my mother had ideas of moving in with me too. Once, many, many years ago, when I was in my 20s, she moved in with me and a girlfriend when she had to be in the city for a year. It was supposed to be temporary until she found somewhere for herself, but she made no effort to find a place, and expected us to give up our social lives (she slept on the sofa) and wait on her. I "gave in" to her demand for me to look after her because she pressured, and pressured me, and expected it. Big mistake. When it became apparent that she had no intention of finding her own place, I sat down with her each evening with the newspaper, and showed her ads for places she could live, After a few evenings of this she blew her stack (she has Borderline Personality Disorder), said some nasty things, packed her bags and moved to the YWCA and stayed there, which suited her well. I learned my lesson. As she got older she made various suggestions about moving in with me, to which I turned a deaf ear.
Your mum can only move in with your permission. Don't even think about it. I have read a numnber of your posts, and you have very good reason to protect yourself. As sharyn suggested - show her ALF pamphlets.
My mother disagrees with me too. Tough! She gets angry, or "hurt" if I don't go along with what she wants, and blames me for her troubles, and, I am sure, bad mouths me to who ever will listen - my sister for one. Too bad.
You have to develop a bit of a tough skin against her use of fear, obligation and guilt - FOG.
Make your own decision about your own life, You are not obliged to take your mother in. Let her use her resources to look after herself, and after that there is medicaid. Let her know kindly, but clearly, that moving in with you is not an option,
She can disagree all she wants, but that is your decision. Will she get mad, manipulative or etc - probably. You don't have to argue with her, or justify your decision. One question - does your husband back you up in this - to have your mum NOT move in? If so, you could tell her it is your (you and your husband's) decision. That may carry a little more weight, and show her it is not her decision. You do not own her any explanations. You could, for example, simply tell her it doesn't work for you, and that you won't discuss it any further. Nor do you have to stay around if she gets angry or pushes the issue.

Please plan how you are going to deal with this. I would not try to convince her that an ALF is better - she has already decided that she wants to live with you. You need to decide that you will not let this happen, let her know, give her information about alternatives where she can get the help she will need eventually, tell her you are prepared to help her find what she needs ( to the extent that you have decided you will) and let her deal with it.

You mention codependency. Here is one description - "refers to the dependence on the needs of or control of another. It also often involves placing a lower priority on one's own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others" Please place your needs high up in your priorities, make your decisions, say what you have to say to your mother, then focus on your life , and some positives. It appears that this is eating you up. I understand - my mother's expectations can do that to me too, and I have to detach and work at focussing on other things. ((((((((Hugs))))) let us know how you are doing. Joan

Thank you to those who gave me kind and wonderful advice. Just reading your thoughts on this subject helps me emotionally deal with my concerns.

Debralee, maybe as time goes on, your mother will be more receptive to going to assisted living if you keep the conversation going about moving there. Assisted living can be a wonderful first step after leaving one's home.

Caregiving is a huge commitment and not all situations work out. Hopefully, she will realize that she needs more assistance from outside agencies and this can work out quite well.

You have been helping her as much as you can. There are so many other options she needs to consider before just expecting to live with you. Living in elderly housing in whatever form; can be just the right thing to do. It is social, safe and a viable alternative. Every kind of move is an adjustment and being proactive about options will help you in the long run. Thinking of you and take care.

Unfortunately you will have to keep saying it until it finally registers which may not happen until it gets to where she can't live alone anymore. In the meantime, get her brochures for different assisted living or SNH to drive the point home. Talk with her dr. maybe he/she can help direct her in that direction too. Good luck and hugs to you, I know it's hard.

I could tell her and even though her hearing is excellent, her listening skills are only as good as too what she wants to hear. She agrees to disagree.

Debralee~Can you tell her that your house won't accommodate her needs such as a hospital bed, equipment to lift her, oxygen, etc. I know what you mean, my mother would rather live frugally than use her money for her own care and quality of life just so she can leave an inheritance.

capnhardass, thanks for the kind and sensitive comment! I am not interested in the inheritence. I would prefer she use it for her care. Your profile name definately suits your comments. Usually I feel for the cargiver's dilemma on this site, but I pity your poor mother in the care of someone with such an insensitive and callous attitude.

you dont have to be responsible for her well being but dont complain when she leaves a half a million bucks to her cat..