Whenever my father comes to my home, he finds something to criticize me for. Yesterday, it was my dog. He often says he too big and that I do not wlak him enough. He is suppose to be big because he is a large breed dog. Then he started asking about my dogs feet. He said it looked like something was on the back of his foot. I tried to explain that all dogs feet are made like that. I know this all sounds crazy. I do realize that as a person ages, their thinking changes but he has always been like this. He finds something to criticize me about. It is to the point that I get nervous when he pulls in the driveway. I'm tired of waking up in the morning with thoughts of what he has said on my mind. As stated in my original post, my childhood was not a happy one and I think I'm suffering from PTSD from it because I often have flashbacks of what he has said over the years which was demeaning things to me. Now, I'm the sole caregiver. I do not mind helping but it about to get more than I can handle as I stated previous. I have to take him to a doctors appointment tomorrow. I also have a job interview. I could have gone tomorrow which I would have liked to but we go to the doctor tomorrow. It would be nice to have someone to delegate tasks to. If I return to work full time, we have to have help.
You should stand up for yourself with your father. Speak to him in respectful but plain language that you will not tolerate any complaining from him. Nor will you allow yourself to be belittled or demeaned by him. If he cannot respect you, then stop helping him. He will have to find someone else. Make it known that if this unacceptable behavior contuinues that he will not be welcome in your home.
I had to do this with my mother. It works.
My mother has elevated complaining to an art form.
You say that you don’t mind helping your dad. What you are describing isn’t helping him.
A relationship never works when only one person is satisfied. You are not satisfied with your relationship with your father and it is past time to make changes. Honestly, your dad doesn’t sound satisfied either.
Change is hard. I was stuck too. You have to become sick and tired of being sick and tired. You need help in deprogramming your brain.
As helpful as this forum was, I needed more help than this forum could provide. I went to a therapist who spoke with me face to face. He asked me many thought provoking questions.
Find someone who can help you understand why you feel as you do. You’ll start to discover that your thoughts are not rational. You already know that your dad is miserable so why would you expect him to behave differently? You’re the one who needs to learn how to behave differently.
When he says jump, you say, no I am not willing to jump. If he says, why not? You say, because I no longer want to. Good luck finding someone else who will jump at all of your commands.
Do you think anyone else would allow him to treat them as he treats you? No, they wouldn’t. He knows what buttons to push with you because he has gotten away with it for so long.
Therapy taught me that I allowed my mom to dictate my life. I sincerely regret wasting all of those years. I can never get that time back.
Your life is precious. Go on those important job interviews and do everything else that you want to do when you want to do it. Your father has no right to deter you from living your life.
I also regret the time I wasted. I had many opportunities that if I would have taken, would have put me a great place financially, professionally and emotionally. Now I'm afraid it is too late to recover. I often cry about the opportunities that I let slip by. You are right, my life is precious and I deserve all good things and so do you. I'm currently looking for a good job but having issues finding one. I have had interviews but no luck. My finances are a mess because of decisions I should not have made.
When she retired, she moved to the same city I lived in - to be closer to me - because there was no other family. Aghhh....... the nightmare intensified. I even dreaded hearing the phone ring because it would be her with the problem of the day that I needed to fix/solve for her, which then would slide into some form of criticism or complaining. I tried not answering the phone but she would call every 15 minutes - even as late as midnight (whether it rang or was busy). And if I didn't pick up the phone, eventually she would contact the police to do a 'wellness check', or become hysterical (literally) and try to persuade one of her neighbors to drive over to my place to check up on me. (And yes, I was married to the man I am still married to - 36 year later).
Even after taking care of her for 30 some years - during her last days on this Earth while in hospice- with me being by her side 14 hours a day for months at a time, taking care of everything for her and taking care of her, being the POA, the medical advocate, making sure she had all the 'special things' she liked and enjoyed' - when one of her close friend's daughters stopped by to say goodbye -as this friend's daughter walked into her room, my mother exclaimed - "Finally someone who truly cares about me is here!" (and yes, she was mentally aware and present). Even in her last days on earth, and in spite of all that I did and sacrificed for her, I STILL wasn't good enough. Yes, I will admit, when she passed I didn't shed a single tear, and 2.5 years later, I still don't miss her - not a single day. I no longer walk around completely stressed out fearing a the ring of a phone.
They say don't take the criticism personally, but unfortunately, when that is all you hear, and you don't hear any positives, it is hard not to feel hurt. In hindsight, to protect my mental and physical well being, if I could have gotten over the guilt and feelings of obligation and responsibility, I would have limited my contact with her to once a week for 2 hours. I did hire a professional geriatric care manager for a while who did relieve me of many many things. However, where I live, they are very expensive and even though it was for my well being, I, nor my mother, could keep affording them. But, if I would have had the finances, I would have kept them on permanently. It was such a sense of relief when I knew there was someone else there to help shoulder the burdens and responsibilities.
I did find that when she criticized me, or something about me or my home or my husband or my job or whatever, I would just nod my head and agree because when someone is 90+ years old, trust me, they will never ever ever change no amount of love, patience, logic will change them.
If this is the case, dad will need to move somewhere with better access to services--either a unit in an area with groceries and drugstores that deliver, or an Elder Care facility where the services are on the same property.
The fact there is no delivery service in no way obligates YOU to provide these services.
I was in much the same situation with my mom. There was simply no way I could give up my job and still afford to live.
They are a great place to start
Another suggestion-- two post-it notes on your bathroom mirror.
1. Just say "no".
2. Respond, don't react.
In other words, when your father starts in, don't answer. Count to at least 5:and let what he's said hang in the air.
"Your dog is too big". That is the statement of either an idiot or someone trying to start a fight. In either case, it doesn't merit a response.
"I need to see the doctor next week".
You--silence. Let him think about if he's asking you a question.
FB, nothing will change until you do.
I will definitely find those books.
your father is dishing out. I read in your profile that you 'can't afford mental health counseling'. However, if you interview and "take the new job" (which I pray you get!), maybe more money or some job benefits can help you with self-esteen and PTSD. The elephant in the living room is that you are accustomed to feeling unworthy of any better treatment than what your cruel father is dishing out to you. I am so regretful that this is the honest truth: The only thing you can change is YOU! Read the authors (Beattie, etc.) mentioned on this post, and start trying to build a life of serenity and self-respect. Truly, there's not enough of "life" left for you to continue to struggle to deal with him. Find caregivers for him in his home, or have him transferred to AL. The remainder of your days should be spent on YOU working on feeling worthy of a good life. My belief is that you cannot accomplish that, with this emotionally abusive father's contact with you. Being an adult (not a cowering child) will be lessons you undertake each remaining day of your life! You can be successful, but the contact with your Dad will derail any potential for emotional growth.....With him in the picture, things will continue just as they are for the remainder of your days on earth. Please work on knowing (and acting) that you are worthy of so much more.
Also, most supermarkets will deliver his food. You place the orders online. Housekeepers can come to the home, but I would hire a person to come in once a week with his money to clean & do laundry.
Thanks for your reply. He has Medicare and couple of other Insurances because he was in the military. Unfortunately, the small town that we live in , the stores do not offer online ordering.
Since this has been going on so long, it will take a while to get him to understand that your life is not his. I think getting a job is a good start. Then you can set those boundaries. "Dad I now have a job, because of that I will not be able to be around as much. There are things you are going to need to do for yourself or pay to have done. There will be no just stopping by. There will be no calls to my work place. Because I am knew to the job and won't have PT time or vacation time, I will not be able to take you to Dr. Visits. Here is the number for Senior bussing you can sign up for or hire an aide for so many hours a day. But I will not be at your beck and call" Let him scream and holler say "sorry thats how it is" and walk away.
No, this is not going to be easy, thats why a therapist can help u with the tools you need. Your Dad is the problem not you.
She has a huge part in this ongoing drama. She is in fact enabling him to continue treating her like crap, by continuing to do for him and not setting boundaries.
And like another poster said she obviously doesn't believe that she deserves any better, or she would have nipped this issue long ago. It's so sad that some children of abusive parents keep going back for more abuse.
We should "NEVER be a prisoner of our past. It was just a lesson, not a life sentence."
You do a lot for your father. When you go back to work, something's going to have to give -- on the part of your father. He will either have to get help in the home, or go to Assisted Living (and YOU don't pay -- HE DOES).
Is he still mentally competent? Do you have POA/HCPOA? What is his financial situation?
Why do you feel sad when you think about AL?
It seems to me he wants to handle it himself. He is competent. It is healthy for him to handle his own affairs, including doctors appointments.
He said he needs to go to the doctor this week. A possible answer is something like neutral like "Ok," and change the subject so you don't get involved in helping or upsetting him.
You are a nervous wreck according to your own account. It is better then to back off and let him do as much as he can for himself.
I know it is very hard when a parent is so critical and always had been. My only solution was to back away and let mother get home help which minimized the contact I had with her.
You might want to look up enmeshed and codependency. Melody Beattie is a good author re codependency.
When we grow up in a dysfunctional home we often become enmeshed with our parent(s) and develop codependency. This can be unlearned and new healthier ways learned. I wish you all the best in getting a job and a healthier relationship with your father and a less anxious stressed life.
I think maybe a power imbalance has started here. Where Dad thinks he has the power to arrange the OP's time as it suits him, pop in when it suits him. Basically he's a King.
So some retraining needs to begin. That you are another ADULT. Not his servant. Add some new rules. State them. Warn of the outcome. Act on them & stay firm.
If you can think of specifics, I can give examples. I've been through this with the pop-ins, the endless appointments, the one day of the week chores that blow out over the week.
I'm well out the other side now 😃
There's your best plan right there.
Do it.
You assume that he is a reasonable person who, asking a favor from someone, realizes that he needs to explain what he needs and why.
Your father's assumption is different. He assumes that you are a servant whose job is to perform as ordered with no questions.
I don't think that's how you want to be viewed.
Do you think there is ANY chance that, if you explained to your dad in a calm moment that the way he treats you is disrespectful and demeaning and that you don't want to be treated like this any longer, that he would listen and try to change?
If yes, then give it a shot.
If not, then going no contact is your best path to mental health.
You need to say "no" to any and all requests.
Your dad is competent.
"No, I can't take you to the doctor".
Why?
"Because I won't be doing that any longer". And leave.
No more stressful conversations.
If he has a key , change the locks so he’s not sitting at your home waiting for you to come home . ( Yes, my Mom waited for me ) 🙄.
Find excuses to prevent him from coming over to your home like : You won’t be home , you have to work, you have an appt. , running errands whatever.
You don’t know what time you will be home. MAYBE you will stop at his place if you have time.
IF you see him , do it at his place so you can cut it short , again an appt., errands etc. Try to cut down on visits. Have food delivered , meds, clothes . Almost anything can be delivered now.
Do seek help ( counseling ) for yourself.
Tell Dad he has to have hired help (using his money , not yours ) . If you want to attend a doctor’s visit , meet Dad there . This way you spend less time with him ( no picking him up and taking him home ) . My husband does this. AL drives his Dad and picks him up if he needs to go to a specialist , which we only do when he has a problem. He uses the PCP that comes to see him at the facility .
I believe you said he will be needing more help soon. Look into assisted living for Dad. Call your local Agency for Aging for a needs assessment . A social worker can assist with placement .
I’m sorry you are dealing with this. When Dad gets worse it may be easier to have him placed in a facility . If he ends up in the ER , ask to see the social worker about placement . Tell SW you can’t take care of Dad , don’t let them talk you into taking care of him. They can’t force you. You can walk away and leave him at the hospital. Then they will be forced to find placement . If Dad tells them he lives with you , tell them he does not. My mother used to lie so she could go home.
I hope you don’t have POA. You can go to an elder care lawyer to say you can no longer be POA, they will find a court appointed guardian .
All This is in your best interest and his. Dealing with your Dad will get worse , as he declines . He needs more help than you can provide. You need to take care of yourself . Let professionals take care of Dad .
Does he invite himself? Arrange not to be there.
Does he just show up? Leave when he arrives.
Be as rude as you like; let go of the idea that you have to be polite.
Well some are ok.. Good friends that pop in if nearby but if you are busy say so it's no worries, catch you another time. No stress.
The *Entitled Drop In* however, just pops in. When it suits THEM.
Do not listen that you are busy.
Do not care you had other plans.
Disregard your request to call before coming.
These people will only learn by strong boundaries.
I was her caregiver but at a distance, worked in my job till I was 73, only visited her where she lived (5 hrs drive away) a few times a year. She had home help and then finally moved into facility care. I made it very clear to her that I could not do any hands on care.
Even seeing mother a few times a year for few hours and often having a friend with me, was very stressful.
As much as you can, get others to help him. Cut contact to a minimum. You don't need any more of that criticism and negativity. It's brought you down far enough. Time to put you and your needs first. ((((((hugs)))) you have a lot of healing to do. Put that as a priority. I have seen counsellors off and on all my life.
I deeply empathize with you/r situation.
I won't go into my story alto it parallels yours - growing up with a father I feared.
* Do what you need to do for your own quality of life and quality of your mental and psychological health.
* If you are the only person who is legally (able to be) responsible for your dad, do continue to set boundaries as you need; see a therapist if you can as this could be a slippery slope / a tight rope walking situation / responsibility.
* YOU are the most important person in YOUR life.
* Your dad won't change and he will continue to (get 'worse') decline as his brain chemistry continues to change - and he will continue to lash out at you for any and everything as this is his M.O.
I sincerely appreciate you reaching out to us here. Feeling compassion for you alerts me to feel that compassion for myself, too. Fearing a parent as a child ... doesn't leave us as we age/grow up / become adults (altho we can heal with steadfast determination and action) ... it is further complicated for you as you are the person (legally) needing to be responsible for him.
"IF" it were my dad, I would likely need to - and hopefully be able to - put him in a 'box' or category of a human being needing support and care, and step out of seeing him as my father with all the emotional / psychological wounding/trauma that involves. It IS possible to do this - so you can function as you need to - for both of you. It is like putting a protective bubble of safety around you (imagery, visualization.)
Please do keep us updated as to how you are doing - and how you proceed.
I know you are not alone here - there are likely thousands of us understanding, through our own life experience, what you are going through. And we care.
Gena / Touch Matters
faithfulbeauty, from what you describe, you got a parent who is immature, petty, negative, critical and downright ugly. If you didn't share his DNA, would you even want to be his neighbor, much less his caregiver?
I totally agree with your plan, return to work full time, asap. Take care of yourself and guard your mental health from his destructive, tear-you-down, toxic mouth.
There are doctors who make house calls. Hopefully you live in an urban area where there are such doctors. Find one and sign your dad up. My mother's doctor would come to her place. When she needed blood tests, urine tests, etc., a nurse would come to draw blood, and take urine. Not everything could be done at home, but it cut down a lot of trips. Also, consolidate as much care under one doctor as possible, and drop unnecessary specialists.
I'd avoid your dad's presence as much as I can. Maybe, only talk to him by phone, or facetime. Don't give him anything to criticize.
Be strong. Good luck to you.
That is none of your business.
Knock it off or go home.
I am not going to put up with that.
It is okay to say what you mean without anger or hate. Sometimes everybody feels better when they know what the rules are.
"Stop.
That is none of your business.
Knock it off or go home.
I am not going to put up with that."
OP's father won't stop. He'll just continue criticizing. People like that don't stop. Sometimes it'll seem like you're in the middle of a nice conversation, and suddenly they'll inject an unexpected criticism, catching you off guard.
In other words, every single contact is a risk for criticism.