I help my parents with whatever they need done. My Dad has a chronic, progressive lung disease and my Mom fell and broke her hip just over a year ago. During Mom’s recovery & rehabilitation, I handled things for both of them. Paid bills, handled transportation & appointments, supported Mom through rehab and physical therapy, scheduled other family members to stay with Dad on different nights, did housework & laundry, cooked meals, etc.. After Mom came home, I noticed that others came less & less often. The better she got, the less they came. I still helped out because she couldn’t lift and is still a fall risk. My Dad’s condition is still just getting worse.
What I have noticed for a while now is that Mom & Dad treat me rather dismissively when I’m there unless I’m doing something for them but when I stop by and other family members are doing an occasional visit, they are warm & welcoming & chatty with them. I tried staying to visit them yesterday after taking my Dad to an out of town eye appointment and they both ignored me, even cut me off while talking and started talking to each other. My brother called, (he lives out of state and calls every single day to talk about his issues), and it was totally as if I wasn’t even there. I left. Does anyone else experience this?
I don't know. She never calls.
It was a Nurse that said THIS daughter is here now - enjoy HER visit.
I started to feel resentful, so I cut back the frequency of visits. I enjoyed them more & I think I was a novelty again.
I agree with *familiarity breeds contempt* idea.
Listen to your own building resentment. It may be telling you to step back a bit too?
My family, and myself, (the only excuse for myself is that I lived in FL, my mother and sister in UT, and my husband was a control freak, wanting my total attention) but I do understand. My siblings and I were so grateful to have Melody watching over our mother, and just continued to allow.. Allow? her to take care of her by herself, for years.. I finally moved closer, now in NV. Only two and 1/2 hours away, so I started staying nights with mom, taking her to the bathroom all hours of the night, and then when she was finally diagnosed with liver cancer staying with her for days on end, while my sister Melody looked all day for the final three days for funeral arrangements. My sister is angry, and sad that we all took advantage of her. Of course she does. I spent the final three days alone with my mother and just feel angry, at everyone, and can't understand why??? I was so very fortunate to have the time with her. I didn't believe in God, now I have much more than God to back me up, my mother is right up there behind him.
I feel your family is so grateful, and probably ashamed of themselves for having the lack of understanding, maybe even feeling they won't be have the correct knowledge in caring for your parents, so they just shy away.
Good luck, and please stay strong. You are doing what you know is right. That is best and all you can do now for yourself and your parents. Your siblings to come to terms soon enough.. unfortunately, maybe too late for them.
But, I would bet money, that if she lived with my sibling, I would be golden!
I've just learned not to react by getting my feelings hurt or being resentful that she acts nicer to everyone but me, and to accept that the she's not going to change.
I take coffee over to mom every morning. I get all her garbage together. I'm make sure she has plenty of water in the fridge. Then I go home take care of a few things. And I go back to mom's. She makes shopping list.(I shop every other day. She'd have me go everyday if she could. I usually load up on tho he she likes and leave them in the car. Especially her water. She won't drink from the faucet even though I bought her a filter. Shedoesnt know it but I refill most bottles with filtered water. I go home again for a couple hours. I always bring her coffee and I sit and we talk and watch tv together. Usually an hour and a half to 2 hrs. I go back home for the day. Mom usually calls we talk a while. Many times in between all this I get calls saying she can't flush her she can't find her favorite TV channel. She can't get the milk open etc
Well today I just got off the phone talking to my sister to see if mom and her could start paying me 50 a week. Which isn't much on my mind. You would have thought I asked for the moon. I'm on social security and I only get 949amth. I get a 400 dollar check from my ex husband. (That will end in dec) I don't know what to do. I told them I'm going back to work if they can't do it. My sister acted like I should go back to work and still help mom. Not with this virus I won't. Am I wrong to want a little money to help me out. My mom's feelings are hurt because she has been helping me with a few items of groceries but when she does this my sister gets mad and says the grocery bills r too high. And I don't buy much for myself mom gets a really goo check fr ss and has good chunk of money in a bank acct. My sister has probably saved every penny she ever made and her husband makes 6 figures as a pharmasist. I don't under stand why my sister is against helping me a little
I took care of My father and he never complained Once , he was a JOY compared to my ever complaining Mom...ughhh
The others come in for brief periods and perhaps they engage to keep them there longer or to get them to return sooner.
It's possible you are there a lot, getting less help from the others and it's starting to wear on you. Ask them to do more. If they see things are getting done, things are getting done w/out their help. Ask. Work out a schedule to get them in more often, just as they were able to do before.
Could be a couple different things going on here.
1) Even though you have been such a tremendous help to them, it may be a constant reminder of the fact that they are getting older and actually are in need of help. It might be a bitter pill for them to swallow that they are losing their independence.
2) When my son was 4, if he got mad at me he would scream "I hate you!"
My psychologist friend told me that it was because my son knew no matter what he said to me, my love was unconditional. Therefore, my son felt "safe" treating me badly.
Perhaps this applies to our elderly LOs as well.
What's the old saying?
Familiarity breeds contempt!
I suggest you have a conversation with them for your own sanity.
Best wishes!!
Meanwhile the ufpos ( useless freeloading pieces of sh&t ) get money every month while not helping out at all.
Now, I have put my foot down. I do the bare necessities. If she wants anything else done I tell her to call on the freeloaders. After all, she has given them a lot more money than me, now it is time to earn it. If she wants me to do anything she will put the money in my hand first.
She is furious but I do not care.
I look at it like I am Jesus' free will servant taking care of my mom like He directs me to in the Bible. Jesus loves me a lot more than she does. Jesus has promised to always take care of His servants and He has for the last forty years so I am not worried if she boots me out ( which is highly unlikely as that would mean she would have to move into a seniors home. She has seen what happened when her friends (which are bitc^hes ) moved in and it was not nice. The staff were not abusive but no one would come to visit and the staff ignored them because they were such b@tches. ).
The most abused segment of society is care givers. It does not matter what country you live in.
The children who do the least are ‘welcomed’ guests because they long to see them. They see it as a treat!
It becomes perplexing for the primary caregiver because it is natural to desire appreciation for all of the efforts made to keep their lives running as smoothly as possible.
A simple, ‘Please or Thank you’ goes a long way. Sometimes we learn what to do from our parents and other times we learn what not to do. Ironically, my parents and grandparents did teach us manners. Somehow, common courtesy often falls by the wayside.
I found it interesting that when others complemented my behavior with my parents to my parents they never hesitated to say, “Yes, I don’t know where I would be without her.” But privately, those sentiments weren’t always expressed, but rather expected from me.
What did I learn from my personal interaction with them? Well, I made a specific point that whenever my children or someone else does something kind for me, I remember to say thank you.
I always beamed inside if others complemented my children for having manners. Having good manners never goes out of style!
It’s the little things that have always mattered the most to me.
This is also exactly why I've never cared for the parable of the prodigal son.
Bottom line, I think your parents value you very much, they just don't see you as a "visitor". Caretaking is a thankless job, try to make your peace with it. You will be blessed.
I’m sorry your other siblingsarent as responsive.
I think you should sit them down and tell them your feelings are hurt.
one as you are probably closer to your parents emotionally so stepping back may affect you. But I recommend you do. However, as expectations are there that you are the caring one you will get judged by everyone else as being uncaring. I’m afraid you have to decide what you want. I have stepped back and lived with the guilt but looking back I was raised to care for others whereas my brother was raised and admired for putting himself first. A real gender bias that my mum acknowledges but still think is ok. It kills me to be treated unfairly so I have had to decide any intimate care is now payable to a carer by her. I realised I was never going to be loved more by doing more and in fact she would always show more positive regard for my brother no matter how little he does. I also think there is a contempt that creeps in when you do these servitude chores? As if you put yourself in this status and they treat you with contempt? It shouldn’t be like that but it sounds like your parents see your siblings as their children and you have been reassigned a carer i stead of daughter. Up to you but start preserving yourself. Good luck I feel your pain xx
1- Research the "help" resources available in their area: house cleaning services, grocery delivery services, transportation services, home health aides, assisted living options, and full care residential facilities (nursing homes).
2 - After you have gathered information on all local resources, invite family members to a family meeting about care for mom and dad. Mom and dad should be there too. Discuss the care that mom and dad need consistently: maybe create a chart or hand-out for each person. Ask each family member how he or she would like to help out - task, how often, do it themselves or pay for it.... If there are tasks that nobody wants to take on, then it should be paid for out of mom and dad's finances.
3 - If the majority of family do not wish to engage in caretaking and there is more caretaking than you can or want to do.... it is time to seek alternative living arrangements for mom and dad. Assisted living places and total care residential facilities have administrative staff that can guide you in the processes.