Dad is 78. He has been divorced from my mom for 45 years, never remarried, and basically has lived alone ever since. He’s a nice guy but has never been social. Back in the day, a beer or 2 would help dad be more social and sometimes the life of the party, but those days are gone (although there are times I think both he and I could use a cold one!) For most of my life, my relationship with dad has been somewhat distant. I saw him on weekends growing up and then as a married adult, he’d come to visit my husband and I on a Saturday or Sunday every weekend.
Since January, dad has been in a LTC facility. He has bladder cancer that was diagnosed in January, and according to the ct scan 2 weeks ago, may have spread. Since January, I’ve been with dad just about every day. Most of the time I stay 3-4 hrs but it’s not that I have to - its more that I do it to keep him somewhat social and talking to someone! ME!
Every morning for the past 9 months dad calls me (sometimes 2 or 3 times) until I get there to see him. He doesn’t demand that I come.... he just beats around the bush and tries like heck to think of any reason under the sun to get me there. People tell me I go too much, but I feel so guilty - plus if I don’t go to visit him, he gets very anxious which usually spirals into confusion and just mayhem. It’s so sad and I feel terrible for him. How do I help him to feel comfortable when I’m not there so I can take off? (I’ve tried to ask them to get him involved in things but he refuses.) He constantly asks if I have any vacations planned because he’s already stressing about me leaving (I moved my daughter into college and then went back for parents weekend and he was a basket case). I can’t believe he’s like this now. My parents divorced 45 years ago and I only ever saw him on weekends growing up. He’s never been a dependent sort of person but now he’s like a kid that is thinking of every excuse to get his parents to come get him from summer camp! Ahhhhh! Help!
Not knowing your details, the first thing that came to my mind is that your dad might benefit from medication specific to anxiety and/or depression. My mother, who has mild dementia, exhibited similar symptoms. After a very specific conversation with her doctor, got some meds which help A LOT. She's not zoned out, she's calmer and the lessening of her depression has her thinking more clearly.
The second thing I'd like to suggest is that you speak to the Activities Director of the facility and brainstorm with them to involve your dad in some of the scheduled daily events. It's not only their job to engage the residents, and they want to do so.
Your situation is challenging, and you are so decent and caring to have done so much.
I wish you well.
R27
Yes, even if not in a home, they do tend to find any reason to get you to visit - my favorite was "the remote control for the TV won't work."
If you're comfortable with your lengthy visits - keep doing them. When Dad is gone, it will be too late to visit. But try very hard not to feel guilty about the need to be away for a few days. Life will always continue to get in the way sometimes.
Hugger to you!
and will most likely be the only thing that will help his feelings of anxiety and withdrawal (both are symptoms of depression); his brain isn’t the same as when he was younger. When he begins to feel better after a month of being on it, he may gradually come to better terms with his life situation and allow himself to be drawn in to some of the activities and social opportunities around him now. To gradually visit him less without the medication to help his symptoms probably won’t work and will increase his stress and end up making it worse. Do you have permission to speak with his doctor directly about him? Your father needs to agree to try medication so you can claim your life back to some degree. You’re a good daughter, good luck!
One thing that always confuses me, feeling guilty about our aging parents situation. You haven't done anything wrong, you may feel bad that his choices have led to these unhappy consequences, but you shouldn't feel guilt. If he is making you feel guilty about getting a break, he is manipulating you and you are the only one that can stop that.
He is choosing not to even try, he has guilt tripped you into believing that his very existence revolves around you being there. That is not okay. Time to practice some tough love.
I would tell him that you can not be there everyday, period. You have other obligations and responsibilities that are being neglected and you can not continue to ignore everything to prop him up. Be loving and gentle, but firm.
Create a schedule of when you will be there and the activities that he can participate in. I would take him for a few times so he knows where and when they are. Then like sending a shy mommas baby off to school, yep tears, meltdowns and all. Sorry, but you need to go.
It is so difficult when we see how scared they are without us, but the fear is not based on something that you can help, cancer is a scary diagnosis, but he has a village and he needs a gentle push to accept that you can not be there all the time and he has to engage with the village or sit alone. It is a sucky set of choices but you can not be his security blanket, it is not healthy and it is unfair for him to put you in that position.
As others have said, get him some meds that will help calm the mayhem down.
The home has group activities and videos that men are more likely to enjoy. They love watching cat races and sports
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