We seem to have lost our life (my husband and I) in the midst of watching over mom. I’m definitely at burnout after 8 years. I’d like to try moving her to each child’s home for several months to see how it would work.
Does anyone do this? How does it work?
Any advice? She doesn’t want to go to an assisted living. Fall hazard, mostly sedentary and overweight..
There really isn't any instruction platform for it. Just have a talk with the siblings, let them know this is how you are feeling, that you have had mom for eight years and it at this point is causing issues in your home and you need a break. Let them know your ideas for the rotation. This is only fair if they are financially capable and they have space. If they are not on board, possibly check into in home assisted caregivers that can come out to the house and assist with your mother. I wish you luck with the siblings and know that for eight years being the one to do it all is something to be proud of.
My mom lives with hubby and I (4 years now) and she goes to my sister's for 3 - 5 nights every month. It reallly helps give me a break to be in my own house all by my lonesome.
Your mom may not agree, but that's OK with me, as long as your siblings are on board. A few months at a time may be a little too much for them, depending on their setup. Maybe 2 weeks to start with? That would be a nice break especially if it can happen on a regular basis.
I can barely get any of my BILs to visit FIL let alone take him into their homes for weeks at a time. The last time FIL stayed with any of his other sons was 2 years ago, and that ended badly because BIL works long hours and his wife has her hands full with her mother who lives nearby. My other BILs have problems of their own including a marriage that's ending.
When children are involved, they will be affected by their grandmother's needs and their schedules/routines will be disrupted, which their parents may be reluctant to do especially when your mother is "Fall hazard, mostly sedentary and overweight".
That said, you and your husband most definitely need a break, and perhaps a permanent one. Start touring assisted livings and get your siblings on board.
When her dad started failing, she and her 2 sisters - all either retired or local, no kids at home - took turns moving into his home for 4 months at a time. Gentle for him, and the sisters were lucky to be able to work it out.
You and she might be better off setting her up in an Assisted Living place that has tiered transitions into more levels of care. That way, if/when moving is necessary, it's in the same facility where she can still possibly continue to visit and/or dine with some of the same people with whom she has become acquainted.
How was is that Mom ended up living on your property? How many siblings do you have? If there is "no outside help" from them, how likely is it that you think they will agree to take turns housing your mother?
What are your mother's finances? Does she pay you rent? Or anything at all? If not, then why not? Would she be able to afford Assisted Living?
What are the plans for when her needs increase? You state that you work a fulltime job, so what will happen during the day when you aren't there?
Your mother may not want to go to Assisted Living, but she is being selfish if she expects you and you alone to give up your privacy to take care of her.
Sisters and I have discussed this option, assuming my mom will outlive my dad. It seems to be the only fair option as the 3 of us agree that nobody should bear the burden alone and a year-long stint is not an option either.
Parents do not WANT to go to assisted living usually. Try to get assistance from doctors to talk with your mom about the benefits and her need from their perspective. Let the doctors be the bad guys. Good doctors don't mind playing that role for the benefit of their patients.
So...I believe you need to find a nice independent living or assisted living facility. For your health and sanity.
If mom has absolutely no mental/dementia issues, adjusting should not be a problem. Be prepared to take her favorite chair - a sedentary body doesn't do well on higher, lower, softer, harder chairs. And this can be true for the bed as well. If she has dementia issues, however, you may be opening a pandora's box that you can never put the lid on again - familiarity is the key.
First, talk with the sibs and evaluate if it's even possible for mom to stay with them. If you're lucky enough, give it a go. If not, it might be time for in home health during the most practical hours for you to do things you want to do. Sibs can fill in for overnights and vacations. If you get no takers on the house rotations or coming more often to sit w/her at your house, then you have to decide upon assisted living or hiring your own in home care.
FYI .... nobody puts on their bucket list that they want to go to AL or NH so her saying she doesn't want to go isn't unusual but also has she seen one recently? - she is probably remembering the old style ones not the more inter-active ones of today -
My mom didn't want to go either but within days she was blooming with so many to talk with, the activities [10 X a week + religious ones] that she convinced herself that she was part of the recreation staff - prior she was with my dad who played on his computer all day & she just watched TV except for meal times - she would be so trilled when she won a mini chocolate bar at bingo - she would often tell me that you could eat off the floor because they were always cleaning [she loved seeing the floor cleaning machine going down the hall]
I also do not believe that a parent can say "I do not want to live in assisted living." then expect their adult children to give up their lives to provide care.
If you hire in-home care or place her in Assisted Living, this should not be coming out of YOUR funds.
I try to have duplicates of all her personal items so she has everything she needs in both places. We move her clothes from her home to my brother's house and back each time. She has very poor memory and difficulty speaking but seems to go back and forth somewhat willingly. I call her a few times a week to check in with her while she is at brother's house. Except for Mom breaking a leg and a hip while at my brother's house, so far so good.
As dad’s dementia worsened, the moves became more disorienting for dad and logistically challenging for us. By the time dad was diagnosed with Lewy Body dementia it was clear that sharing care wasn’t suitable for dad anymore. He needed stability and familiarity.
The youngest daughter, who lives near dad’s doctors and the rest of the family, moved him in with her and her husband. She had been managing his finances and medical care all along. We schedule our visits with dad to allow them time away. Within a year, dad’s needs got to be too much even with an in home aid. He’s in a good memory care now.
That is what happen with me. We are 5 and I'm the only one taking care of my 93 yr old mother with dementia. They are all very busy with their lives and have no time to help with mom.
It is very sad and I just have to make the best of it. You need to hire outside help.