My mom is a few years removed from cancer treatments. She hurt her ankle a few months before the treatments ended in 2018. In the weeks after the injury, she needed help getting her legs on and off the bed in order to stay off of the ankle and not put weight on it while it was healing. After a couple of months, the ankle was better and she could get her legs on and off the bed w/out any issue.
During summer 2020, the leg struggles came back. There were some stretches where she didn't need leg help at all, but for the past year, it's been pretty consistently. Some days, she would need me to get one or both legs on the bed 1,2,3 times. Other days, it would be 5,6 times. So far today, 8 times. As for getting them off the bed, it isn't quite as often. You would have a couple, if not few, days with zero help there, but she would need help 1,2,3 times a day. Lately, it's just her left leg and sometimes, she would be half an inch away from getting it off by herself and yet, I had to get it off for her. It's ridiculous and insane.
Some of it is the dip in her bed, mainly due to her laying in bed all day long, gaining weight and not putting in any effort to lose it and shrink that belly, and only being up and around the house just once a week. The dip is why she needs help sitting up on the side of the bed and can't get herself up on her own. Some of it is lack of exercise, again part of it being her not being up and out of bed hardly at all. Some of it is weather-related. She doesn't do well when the barometric pressure is high and barring down on her and when it's about to rain. We also have a gas heater in the room where she's been in and won't let me turn it down when we have mild winter days. During those mild days, that room turns into a boiler room and she also struggles when she's hot.
Before last summer, she would try taking 1-2 steps when I would get her from her potty chair to her bed. Since then, she rarely tries. And in the few tries, she'll barely take a step.
She was out of bed almost regularly for a stretch recently, but not lately. During that stretch, leg help went down. As a result of her stopping the trend of being out of bed somewhat regularly, the leg went back up.
Sorry, this is either a person that needs facility care or tough love. She has been disabled by all of your assistance. Time to give her some ultimatums about getting off her backside or moving into a nursing home.
A loving mother DOES NOT do this garbage to her children, period.
She could use the facility and some ultimatums. She won't take tough love well at all.
You're right. If she truly loved me, she wouldn't put me through this nightmare. She would get others to help and let me have a life. If I'm hit with cancer or injuries when my kids are just starting adulthood or fresh out of college, I'm telling them to live their lives and I'll line up outside help.
If this were my mother, and she were calling on me to move her legs for her 5-6x a day or more, refusing to move a muscle, I'd put her on a diet of 6 ounces of boiled chicken or tuna packed in water and 3 cups of lettuce with calorie free dressing on it 2x a day, and a cup of plain oatmeal for breakfast. That would be her new diet, with nothing in between but 8 cups of water, until she got down to a healthy BMI and could exercise her body every single day and start doing for HERSELF what she's demanding YOU do FOR her.
Enough is enough.
Yeah, it's given her so much energy, I just got one/both of her legs back onto the bed for the TWELTH TIME TODAY! Now granted, she had to do #2 today and that does take some energy out of her, but it's still 12 times too many.
I'm just wishing she would stop being lazy and start getting out of bed and use the Cubii she rarely touches.
When I was told the order would be for let's call it 'less than healthy' options I declined. I am not the Food Police. But neither am I an impartial Uber/DoorDash etc delivery person - paid to deliver & that's it.
I will help on my terms. Terms that align with my values.
How and why did this caregiving situation happen? Are you an only child?
You've already hurt yourself lifting her legs -- are you going to allow this to continue?
What is her financial situation? Are you her POA? HCPOA?
I've felt pain, but I never actually hurt myself, fortunately.
Financially, she's good. She has one of her close friends as her POA if I recall correctly.
Just wanted to give you a glimpse of what may happen. You may want to let your mom know that if she continues down this road, the only option may be a NH because you physically won't be able to help her.
On at least 1 occasion, the back of my neck was sore and I felt pain in my upper chest not long after she became immobile. I didn't have much strength and because of caregiving, I had to stop going to the gym. The chest pain went away, but I almost wondered if I was on the verge of a heart attack. My mom somehow thought the chest pain was me having gas. She was, most likely, wrong about the gas theory because I never had anything like that before or since.
Talk to her doctor about getting some physical therapy to come to the home.
Get her a proper mattress. Try renewing the mattress with an extra-firm 3" foam mattress topper.
Have her do some supervised stretching before getting up. "Stretch like a cat".
Ventilate the room. Try an electric room heater for a few days at a more normal temperature. Testing if she feels better without the gas heater. Add a small humidifier for moisture. The poor man's humidifier is a fine mist of water in the air. Or, hanging a damp/wet towel in the room.
There are so many other caregiving techniques you could learn to do before you assume she is not trying, or faking.
However, I understand you feeling this way. It is the most frustrating thing!
There are physical therapists and other professionals who can make an assessment and a care plan done by professionals, not you.
Step back from the hands-on caregiving before you burn out. You can try again after 2-3 months if that is what you need to do.
What is YOUR plan?
I guess your mom must be a zillionaire and will leave you well set up to live a life with no need to work?
No? Have you paid into Social Security and Medicare at all? If you don't have 10 quarters of payments by the time you retire, you won't even have minimal SS to live on.
"Mom, you are going to need to make other arrangements for your care, either a facility or paid caregivers. I need to get a job. I'll help you figure this out, but as of June 1, I will not be doing this any longer".
Start studying for civil service exams. Get a job at Target, Walmart or a fast food place. Study civil service test books from the library.
For Mom I had a small bed bar. It was L shaped with the longest part fitting between mattress and boxspring. It was 18 in wide. Mom could pull herself up. Swing her legs over side of bed and use the bar to stand up and steady herself. Here's one similar.
https://www.amazon.com/Vive-Compact-Bed-Rail-Silver/dp/B07NWWWKNJ/ref=asc_df_B07NWWWKNJ/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=507663052233&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=2439007045431421184&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=t&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9003829&hvtargid=pla-1252283123036&psc=1
What does mom's doctor tell her about her diet?
Has your mother been referred to PT? To a nutritionist? For mental health care?
Get mom's doctor to order an occupational therapy evaluation. They need to come to the home and assess her arrangements for getting out of bed, out of chairs. It sounds like she needs something to grab onto to help her pivot off the bed.
That something shouldn't be you.
my LO is already using it, and it helps a lot! :)
1 BIG problem solved.
we have an electric bed, with rails -- but when the rail is up, my LO isn't able to bring it down on their own. so putting the rail up isn't a good idea for my LO (mobile).
now with the little M rail, my LO can pivot off the the bed much more easily.
i hope OP, it can help you too (but i have the impression your mother's main mobility problem is overweight, lack of muscle).
when my LO had walking problems in the past: the only way forward was physiotherapy.
There needs to be a professional assessment of those needs and a plan put in place to address them.