My wife was diagnosed with Stage 4 Pancreatic Cancer back in October. She is staying with her son since he can off the spiritual support she needs. I am not religious and this has always caused problems between her son & I. Her son and I got into a screaming match over the phone the other day and it basically comes down to he blames me for everything including her cancer. My wife was still helping to contribute to the monthly rent while staying with him but now her son is basically controlling all aspects of her life and that has stopped.. I believe he is screening any calls or texts I send to her. My wife was is on SSA early retirement but I have since become aware that she is likely eligible to receiver her full pension amount on SS Disability. Possibly retroactive to when she first had her symptoms and since she is terminal she can be fast tracked on what SSD call Compassionate Allowance.
She is trapped between her son and I and is taking strong narcotics for pain and at this point I am not even sure how lucid she is. What rights do I have as her husband to
1. Be able to see or speak with her without her sons interference or presence.
2. To start the disability claim without her consent if and get access to her medical records.
Any advice would be much appreciated.
Thank You
Now fI ind myself alienated and in a complete vacuum and unfortunately decisions that are not made now, could have a future impact on me. It that sounds cold believe me I dearly wish she were healthy and with me. I moved to California 16 years ago to be with her. and have we have never been apart other than hospital stays. Maybe I should move on to a atheist forum for my concerns.
But I do thank those who responded for making me realize how insensitive my post did sound.
I'm sorry if we were hard on you. Don't move to an atheist site. We are not all christian's on here. We are good, kind people and it sounds like you need the support especially if you are crying yourself to sleep each night. I'm sorry.
Thanks again
As for what religion they are, its not RC. Basically its whatever he dictates. He just makes up the rules as he goes to suit his beliefs. He convinced my wife to go to an organized church each Sunday early in our marriage. Calvary Chapel I think it was. When he realized a few years later it was just mind control and a money grab. They stopped it. Then they started having Bible Study sessions in our Home. Basically I had zero rights. His take on it would be she is my mom and I can come to your house and do what I want, whenever I want.. When bringing up the issue to my wife, she would take his side of coarse and claim i just disliked him and his beliefs.
Looking back now that was the time in our marriage when I lost my rights and he just cranked up the crusade to save his mom fro the heathen. My wife was married 5 times, me being the fifth. I used to think she was really a bad judge of men, but now realize NO MAN is good enough for her son.
That's some very strange stuff there.
You have a right to believe or not believe, that's for sure, but your wife has her rights too. She is where she feels comforted and safe. Perhaps being with her son and him providing spiritual support is the best thing for her, I'm sorry you can't see that. It's probably tearing your wife up, too, that you can't be with her, but how can you make that happen so she can go in peace? She and her comfort should be the ONLY things on your mind. Fighting over religious differences while someone is actively dying is so....pointless.
Try to plan your finances as best you can without her, protecting any community assets as best you can by seeking legal advice. You don't yet know, but her actions may in some way be protecting you from the financial devastation a terminal illness may cause if she is living with her son. I don't know.
As for missing her, loving her, if they do attend a church at all, go there, meeting up with the leaders ahead of time, just be there, don't cause a scene. She may ask to see you. If it is in public, that request should not be denied. You don't have to be a christian to go to a public place of gathering where everyone is welcome.
If that is not how it plays out, then something is seriously wrong in the neighborhood. If you suspect she is under the influence of a strange cult, then that is a whole different story. Even so, if death is emminent, the stress of making any changes could be fatal to her.
What is it that brought you together as husband and wife? Were you married in a church? What is it that you believe about life and death?
Again, so sorry that you are going through this.
None of my suggestions may be possible for you, and I am so sorry that you are separated from your wife.
The fact that's she's been married 5 times should also be some kind of indication of challenges to a marital relationship.
I think you're wise to accept that this is a complex, unusual relationship and that you're not going to be able to make any inroads. Her stepson has a lock on contact with her.
The AA programs are also not christian, although founded by a christian. Referencing whomever your higher power may be, any of those could be a place of a certain kind of support for you also. In those programs, they say, keep coming back.
You are also invited to keep coming back, you don't have to answer any questions or give details you don't want. Guessing it is time to start taking care of yourself.
The possible benefits claim is to your wife's advantage. Give her and the son any information they need to progress it, and leave it to them. If the son does nothing about it he's a) a fool and b) failing to safeguard his mother's interests; but it won't be your problem, and it would be understandable if it just isn't a priority they want to tackle right now. If you're not satisfied with that, ring the social security office and ask their advice about what you should do.
Other than that, don't you feel it might be best for you to say a private goodbye to your wife and mentally let her go? I can't help but wonder what the other people in your life who love and care about you might have to say.
The way you phrase your post headline - that her son offers your wife spiritual support that you can't - hints at a sense of failure on your part which I'd like to address. There is no failure. I suspect there's bugger all spirituality about it, quite frankly, for that matter; what there is is an emotional turmoil including a good deal of desperation and desire for redemption; but you caused none of it. I'm sorrier still, because that leads me to think that you must be suffering a terrible sense of failure and rejection. But it's not you. It's them. You did your best.
I have thought about a letter to her. But I'm concerned it will sound as shitty as my first post here. I don't want to make her feel guilty. I don't want to add any more pain to her situation. I have tried, I just don't know where to start without making it sound all about me. I just want her to be at peace with her choices. Each time I try, I get as far as writing My Dearest Wife who I will never stop loving,,, and then the rest is a blank page. I'm spinning my wheels here. I think I may need to speak with a professional.