Hi all,
Venting, as usual.
I have an elderly father with all sorts of medical issues but mobility and fecal incontinence are the biggest ones. We have caregivers who come in to help. He's waited on hand and foot and is now so "spoiled" he can't do anything for himself. He won't make decisions, he won't direct caregivers and when he does he's rude as hell. He talks to people like they're garbage because, at heart, he's a bully.
It's also like we're attached by some invisible umbilical cord. He will not make a decision about anything without consulting me first. Including whether he should take a Tylenol for back pain or eat some prunes for constipation. I feel strangled, like his 24/7 employee and trapped. I have nearly lost the will to live. I am of retirement age. I feel I'll never have my own life again so what's the point of going on? It's all in service to this person who has no compunction about sucking my life dry. Zero.
If the caregiver comes, it's some huge deal for me to close my door and let here take over. There's always something he doesn't like about her. He needs a plan laid out for what's going to happen every second that I'm not available. And he needs me to make it for him! This is ridiculous! He's a spoiled old man. I can't take anymore. I'm at my wit's end and am hopeless.
Today, I have just had it and said when the caregiver gets her for her 5 hours, I'm closing my door and she can take care of everything AS SHE SHOULD. For $35/hour I shouldn't have to do a thing including answer a question every 15 minutes about how to wipe his ass.
I found out recently through a series of tests that I've had, at some time in the recent past, a heart attack (silent heart attack). I will NEVER put a family member in a situation like I'm in and expect care. I know that will never, ever happen because I love them too much. This has become an outrageous situation.
People live too damn long. Doctors only care about keeping a heartbeat going to keep scraping up the Medicare $$. I never believed that before but I'm totally convinced of it now. They're making $$ hand over fist dragging these old people to ends that should have come years earlier without caring one bit about the families they destroy in the process.
Example? Giving an Alzheimer's patient cholesterol or high bp meds with the disclaimer that it could be a lot worse if they have a terrible stroke so they should really take these meds. LET THEM GO. We spend billions every year trying to stave off the inevitable. People die. This is part of life.
End of venting. Sorry if this is upsetting to some but I think there are more than a few out here who know and feel exactly what I mean.
If he was “spoiled” all his life, he won’t/can’t change now.
If he is depressed and/or anxious, that’s another complication.
If he’s experiencing cognitive deterioration, that’s a third possibility.
If it’s hard for you to “close the door”, and you are experiencing actual DEMONSTRABLE negative physical health consequences, you’re being neglectful OF YOURSELF, and YOU are 100% entitled to be responsible FOR YOU.
Close that door, take a nap, read a book, ANYTHING that can distract you.
Or EVEN BETTER, take a walk, buy yourself a “toy”, see a movie or concert, have a massage, call a friend, ANYTHING to change your perspective if only for a few moments.
The TUBA saved my life. I found soon after I began taking tuba lessons that if I were totally focused on practicing, I couldn’t focus on the painful details of caregiving. FIND YOUR DISTRACTION.
I gained 65 pounds while caring for my mother, and weighed 265 for several years (small boned, 5’4”). I now weigh 135, my “best” me. FOR YOURSELF, BE YOUR BEST YOU.
YOU ARE WORTH THE BEST SELF CARE YOU CAN ARRANGE AND PROVIDE….. FOR YOURSELF.
I wish you could move out of your dads house or move him out of your house and move on with your own life.
Enjoy your 5 hour break today. Maybe you should leave and go to the movies and get a bite to eat?
Now to your situation. Why are you having to live with your father? Can you not just move out and leave him with his caregivers? Your mental and physical health deserves that much at least.
I mean is it really worth giving up your physical and mental health for a man who is "sucking your life dry?"
I honestly don't believe that things will get any better until you are no longer physically in his house and at his beck and call 24/7. It will be then that he will have to start making decisions for himself, and be responsible for his own care. And if he can't handle that then it's time for him to move into an assisted living facility where he will receive the care he needs and you can get on with living and enjoying your life.
I hope and pray that you know that you deserve that much.
God bless you.
Is it because you are living with him and dependent on him?
Many here feel that blood is thicker than water, in that we are responsible for our parents simply because of the accident of our birth.
I don't agree.
We are adults.
We are responsible for our own decisions.
I myself would leave and move cross country for a real life.
I don't understand exactly why you don't do that.
Can you tell me why?
You know, many (and I mean tens of millions around the world) find this an extremely challenging situation but they don't walk away because it is a level of care that has to be done by someone. Unless throwing him into the street is an option somehow. Or "just" do this or "just" to that, implying it only requires the will to do it and that's it. This is simplistic, isn't helpful, supportive, realistic or anything else.
Thanks for your input though.
And it certainly is not in the spirit of this site which, I thought, was support for those of us doing this challenging work.
If he has that much money to pay for in-home care, he probably has enough to fund facility care. If he's immobile, then he probably qualifies for LTC, which in most states is covered by Medicaid, and after he financially qualifies.
Are you his PoA? If not, is anyone? Why are you doing what you're doing for him? You are not obligated and no one is forcing you.
Also, everyone needs to understand that the doctors all take an oath to "do no harm" so this implies doing what it takes to keep people alive (quantity of life). Quality of life is an opinion. This is the patient's or familys' jobs to decide, not the doctor. Doctors are not gods so they have no idea if certain patients will benefit or not from certain treatments, or how long they will live with or without treatments, since our bodies are all different. No doctor forces a treatment on anyone... they give options based upon known or possible outcomes. Then the patient or families decide -- not the doctors.
FYI Medicare and Medicaid don't reimurse nearly as much as private insurance (although there are true Medicare scams by nefarious people).
I am saying this as another caregiver who knows her limitations and if my heath suffered priority would be obvious. Me.
It cost $320,000 of Medicare money to keep her in CICU and install that pacemaker. This is on the taxpayer's dime. All this for a woman who has mobility issues, can no longer toilet herself on her own, is racked with arthritis and is severely depressed because she was fiercely independent and can no longer do much of anything. The only winners in this situation were the hospital and the cardiologist. They scored a big payday.
Now she is in a nursing home and is Medicaid pending. I'm hoping and praying she will get it but who knows. The stress of this just keeps going.
I know this smells of the greatly feared death panels that had everyone's knickers in a twist a few years ago, but I think before you install a pacemaker in a 94 year old woman, there should be an assessment of future quality of life. The same thing is done for heart transplants. A 95 year old person would not receive a donor heart for obvious reasons. There has to be some balance in medical decisions for the super elderly.
I know it is a slippery slope but I just don't agree with all this high tech medical intervention for the extreme elderly. That $320,000 could have been better spent somewhere else.
If it's the former, move out and get your own place. If it's the latter, he needs to go to a skilled nursing facility.
Easy peasy. If you don't see it that way, you need to figure out why you feel this attached to him. It doesn't make sense to be in your situation when he's so awful and you have your own health issues.
I feel for you.
All this to live with a bully of a father who's "attached to you by some in invisible umbilical cord" except he's not. You're doing this willingly, for some reason, when you don't have to.
What happens when you die first from stress related heart issues, God forbid? THEN dad goes into managed care ANYWAY when that's where he should have been all along!
Please don't wait for a crisis to place the man and live your life as it SHOULD be lived: in peace and joy. Dad will be fine.
Your life is worth living. Your current situation is causing all of this pain and suffering. Please make arrangements for your father to live elsewhere.
You are beyond being burned out. Emotionally and physically you cannot afford to continue caring for your dad.
You owe it to yourself to take care of your own wellbeing.
Is dad a Veteran? If so contact
DuPage County Veterans Commission
421 N. County Farm Rd
Wheaton
1-630-407-5655
Are there Adult Day Programs in your area?
contact DuPage Senior Citizens Council
1990 Springer Drive
Lombard
1-630-620-0804
www.dupageseniorcouncil.org
Elderwerks is a GREAT resource
elderwerks.org
They have a great resource book, you can see it on line.
1-855-462-0100
(their office is in Palatine. )
24/7 employee even though there’s hired help - check. Treats everyone that helps him like garbage - check. Weaponized incompetence- check. It’s all my fault- check.
I’m also facing major health issues. I’ve decided to allow the disease to take me out - my life was confiscated by my parents long ago, no point in fighting to live when all I’m living for is servitude to ungrateful selfish man. He knows all this & genuinely doesn’t care.
I firmly believe that any parent that forces their child into a long term caregiver role is completely heartless & downright evil. It demonstrates a total lack of value or respect for the child. A child is not a spouse. They did not make a vow of commitment before God. The holding of children accountable for the care of their parents is insane & needs to stop. All too often it’s the most vulnerable & least able to fight back family member that gets targeted for the caregiver duties. It’s gross the way so many people, especially “medical professionals” that are not only complicit but even encourage this practice.
Just my two cents as someone who’s life also got ruined so that my dad could have a few more years terrorizing people.
My only real hope now is that someone hears my story & doesn’t allow it to happen to them.
Thank you to the helpful people here.
There is no magic fairy who is going to swoop in and change your life for you.
You either change things or you don’t.
It’s your choice. We can’t make you do it or not. It doesn’t affect us whatever your choice is.
When is your next physical? To me you kind of sound like you have brain fog and exhaustion.
Please take our comments in the spirit in which they were offered: with genuine concern for YOU. Dad's lived his life and will be fine in managed care. Who takes care of Ann when she breaks down? Wishing you clarity and wisdom in your time of need.
Doctors will continue to treat patients who keep going back and asking for treatment and medicine.
There are plenty of posts here you can search about families who make the decision to stop bringing them 4 times a year to the follow up appointments.
There is no easy answer.
I believe most people come to this forum for support when they are in impossible situations themselves and are exhausted and m.a.h.
They took the same crap from they're loved ones, too. For years. Maybe more, maybe from siblings that wouldn't help.
It got resolved over time, in different manners.
So, if it's as easy as they say to do what it is they suggest how or why didn't they do that in their own lives and not come here for support. I call bs. We come here for support. Period.
Vent, start another thread or just read.
Ive been dealing with my Mom's sh*t for years. I've been on here for years.
You are not alone.
Some of the best advice I got here was learning to detach with love. And some decent books and articles about boundaries.
Take care.
Your father perhaps didn't intend or even want to live to reach the circumstances in which he now finds himself. However, it is what it is. My husband (94) and I would prefer to stay in our home, but we are determined not to become dependent upon our adult children for care. We do not want to destroy their "go-go" retirement years even if that means we end up in a different, less optimal, living situation.
Your father sounds like someone who has pretty much gotten his way throughout his entire life, so it will be difficult for him to adapt. However, difficult doesn't mean impossible. It appears that he needs 24/7 care. You absolutely cannot provide that, but you can perhaps advocate for obtaining it, which would be in the best interests of you and your father.
Case in point, the facility I'm at, 2 nurses who are sisters left to work at the Cleveland Clinic.
You're exactly right it's about the money.
My Dad...a loveable curmudgeon. I would have never have cared for him. Mom waited on him hand and foot. I would have never have done that. Actually, I think he would have loved LTC. But he went before Mom so I did not need to make that decision.
Ann, its OK to place your Dad. You have done enough. That silent heart attack is a warning. Please heed it. Once Dad is placed, you can visit when u want. Leave when he gets too much. Enjoy his final time here on earth by just being a daughter.
If Dad is still on cholesterol meds, ask to have them dropped. No need for them now. Cholesterol meds effect the liver thats why my moms were dropped. The B/P, I would not drop that.
get a living trust and have your wills want regarding health, ..
BASICALLY POLST Form..
You are allowed to vent.
Letting off “steam” is sometimes good before you blow a gasket.
Take care. Maybe talk with a counselor … I’ve been told to do that.
If you can cease meds and be assured that the LO is going to die smoothly and cleanly with a smile on her face and ascend to a happy place where she can frolic with deceased pets and parents who are young again, that's one thing. But that terrible stroke you thought would take them out might not. Then what?