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recently moved my elderly mother to be closer to us. she no longer drives and has early stages of dementia. i, along with my husband, are the sole caregivers for her. she lives by herself in a retirement/hud apartment complex and has lots of nice neighbors. i take her to the store, dr. appts, all her errands and handle her finances. i now spend my days off tending to her needs. i either call or go see her everyday. but she always makes me feel guilty if i dont drop everything when she calls wanting something. i understand she has dementia (she's 83) but even before this she has always made me feel guilty and has been very selfish. it's all about her and her needs. i just had surgery and have had complications (was in the ER for 8hrs the other night) and not once has she asked me how i'm doing. honestly - she might not remember i even had issues. but i hate feeling guilty and being made to feel guilty because i have a life with a family to take care of too. any suggestions/advise?
ssnow, Sorry you're in this situation. Elders can abuse their caregivers. If you care for yourself or the rest of your family you must set boundaries. You have other obligations and cannot be at her beck and call 24/7. DO NOT FEEL GUILTY!!! It can and will hurt you. If you do not set limits now it will only get worse. Guard your heart with all dilligence and as much as you love her do NOT let her run roughshod over your life. You are not here for her amusement and you must take some control along with this responsibility. The Love&logic website was recommended to me and I found it very enlightening. Check the testimonials and you'll get a good idea of what its about. It works on elders too as I have heard that elders are children in reverse. Other threads on this site you may also find helpful. This is a compassionate group of loving caregivers who support each other and you can learn much. I'm praying for us.
Consider hiring some non-medical home care, if even for only a few hours a week! She needs attention that you can't give her (not for lack of love or devotion indeed). You can reference "on Thursday when Betty comes she will help you ________." Most agencies have a 3 or 4 hour minimum and a once per week minimum. You might find the money is worth it even if it has to come from your pocket for some peace of mind. This has worked tremendously well for my Grandmother in the past!
Hi, ssnow! May not be what you wanted to hear, but guilt is something that we have to accept. Your Mom doesn't make you feel guilty. The feelings of guilt are yours, not your Mom's. From your sharing, your Mom is manipulative and you walk right into the situation. What is the worst thing that would, could, or might happen, if you simply said, "I have other plans today. I will let you know when I am able to do that for you."
I have never hesitated to tell my mother, whom I love dearly, when I am too tired to do something. Don't just go along to get along with your Mom. You sure do have a life and family, and owe it to yourself to keep your life in balance.
Maybe the next time she asks you to do something that can wait you can tell her nicely that you are still recovering from major surgery and need a whole lot more time before you can start juggling as much as you once did. Let her know you may never be up to the task of juggling as much as you once did, but that she will always be able to count on you. Let her know what works for you and what is realistic. No need to argue with her. She may pout. That's ok. She's entitled to, as we all are, to pout when things don't work the way we expected them to work out.
Wishing you healing, a full recovery, and reclaiming your life and time. Hugs.
Ssnow, I want to join in on the chorus here to say "Don't feel guilty." You have not one single reason to feel guilt. On the contrary, you deserve a great reward for the way you are taking care of your mother and being faithful to her this way. The only way you will be healthy enough to care for her is if you get the rest you need. Cindy's idea of hiring someone to help your mother out in the home is a great one I think. You said your mother is selfish. It seems to me that this trait of hers could cause her to try to manipulate you with guilt. Realize that this may be happening and do not allow any guilt to begin to build within yourself; nip it in the bud. Something that has helped me a lot in this dept. ( of not feeling unreasonable guilt) is that I ask myself: " What does God think of how I'm doing, and what I"m doing?" In other words, God is my only judge, not any person. I figure it's God I'm going to have to answer to at the pearly gates, not any human being. If you feel you are doing what God expects you to, then there's another reason to let go of the guilt. So finally I say to you, Good Job, because that's what you're doing!
I agree, you are the one with all the power over the guilt you're feeling. Just because she pushes your buttons doesn't mean you have to jump. Tell her you can't come over now, but that you'll be coming by when you're up to it. period. My friend lives in one of those HUD buildings for senior/disabled apartments. There is a woman there that also has Alzheimer's who wanders the halls and goes into peoples apartments. She doesn't mean to be weird, she's just can't find her own apartment. She has even crawled into bed with people and tried to go to sleep. Don't let your mother get that bad before you move her into an asst living facility.
Someone -- I can't recall whom -- once said you need to be a masochist to work in the caregiving field and a sadist to succeed at it. Still, if you had enough self-respect to stand up for yourself, your priorities and your mind would be clear and and wouldn't have to put up with all this abuse. In any case, here are some suggestions:
(1) Get a home health aide to put up with her whipcracking; (2) Have a tete-a-tete with her and let her know your own family comes first; and/or sit down with her and make a calendar indicating the days you'll be coming by to help (tell her the moment she starts her BS you're leaving); (3) Flip the script on her and make her feel guilty about all the things you can't do for your own family because you're catering to her every whim; (4) Zip it and do a Mother Theresa.
It's up to you to love yourself once again. Good luck.
ssnow, I would agree with Advier accept on one point option. My mom always wants to know when I will be there to see her. This is so she can have her dastardly plan for the day in place when I get there. I have found it to be much safer to take her by surprise before she gets me!!!! Cover your buttons!!!!!
That is a great way of managing and coping, godhelpus. Your sharing and lightehearted approach remind me that being creative and not taking it all too seriously helps. It's no different than regular life, at least for me. For a caregiver like me, adding more routines and expectations to my days will never work. The calendar is already full and the rest of my time is mine to do with as I wish, especially to sustain some balance in my life. Cheers to those buttons, godhelpus!
Your description "but even before this she has always made me feel guilty and has been very selfish" tells me that your mother put those guilt buttons inside of you long ago so that she could light it up with fear and push you with guilt into feeling obligated to live and love without boundaries which is not healthy for either of you.
To put it bluntly, your mother sounds like someone with a narcissistic personality disorder or borderline. Whatever the diagnosis does not really matter. What matters is you taking good care of yourself and realize that you are worth it to take good care of yourself. The more you take good care of yourself and set up good boundaries the more she is going to push at those F.O.G. buttons, but you don't have to automatically respond.
You are an adult and like all of us adults, we have the power of choice. I'm not saying it is easy, but we do have the power to chose. Sometimes, we need a therapist to help us gain enough internal strength to make those choices and if you do, then get one.
Very often, as I have heard here and seen in my own life, when a parent declines various unresolved issues come strongly to the surface. Now is the time to shine light that dispells the F.O.G. which will be healthier for you and many others around you.
In communicating with her, it will be less likely to put her on the defensive to make some I statements like "I feel imposed upon when you expect me to jump when you call right in the middle of my supper or whatever" That is less likely to get a defensive reaction than saying 'you make me feel......" Nope, we got to take ownership of our own feelings, but we don't have to swallow them like a stifled child. Parents like her want their adult children to forget we are adults and revert emotionally back to being a little child. They think it is helpful for them, but actually it really helps no one in the long run.
Best to you in this mess. You are not alone in your battle against F.O.G. as many others fight it as well.
Ssnow listen to the CroweMaster, he is the expert on the FOG panel.
You sound like me a while ago. Now my mom can't remember that I have a cell phone and calls over and over again on my house phone. I constantly tell her to call my cell but she doesn't remember the number any longer.
Lose the guilt feelings they will eat you alive. If you're doing all you can, there is no more to be done. You've got to take care of yourself in order to take care of her.
In regards to the F.O.G.: It is as real as it gets. I wonder if there weren't FOG seminars for parents when we were children???? On a recent visit to hospital I flippantly introduced myself to a nurse as "the servant" at which time my mom chuckled and said "That's the way I planned it 50 years ago." She busted on herslf. Enough said.
F.O.G. seminars did not exist when we were children. Such emotional abuse or emotional blackmail as my favorite book calls it was not even understood back then in relationships between children and their parents. Nor was d@m emotional incest!!!!! ggggrrrrrrrrrrrr
From what I know, the F.O.G. phrase was developed as people wrote about not walking on eggshells around people with borderline personality disorder which people we called just plain mean before the 1980's but we know more about why they are that way than we did before and it's not all about rape-sex- and all that stuff like we thought it was at one time.
Ssnow: I read a lot of people that say you having nothing to feel guilty about. It is true. Believe me, I still struggle with this as well. I tell myself all the time that if I don't have any control over it, there is no reason for guilt. You know you cannot control your mother's feelings. They are hers!! As they age, they go through so many changes and she will have many feelings to come. You can listen, you can ignore the unreasonable things she says (I have learned to do that a lot and not feel a bit of guilt - it's a whole new way to communicate), you can be there when you are able and that's it! My mother once said, "You have to make sure I get what I want." I said, "No - I have to make sure you get what you NEED." I didn't offer any other explanations, but I thought to myself that none of us have all we want and yet sometimes the elderly think they are entitled to it. I do believe they are entitled to our respect and love, but you don't have to prove anything by catering to them. it is never-ending and with failing memories they don't even remember how much you sacrificed. I have found that out the hard way as well. It's sad, but true. Knocking yourself out they won't even remember. BALANCE is the key to living well. Hang in there!
marching? sometimes I wonder if it's not like limping, crawling, dragging ourselves along by our bare hands clinching each pit of progress with the dirty fingernails of each fist while others are on each side of some helping them use what little use they have left of their legs or feet, etc. As an army, I think many are battle worn, some are MIA, some are POW, some are ex-POWs, quite a large number very wounded to the degree that it is really hard to conduct triage very well at all. We are all in one way or another wounded caregivers offering grace and support to other wounded caregivers along the way.
Crowemag, You are soooooo right. All of that. Praying my wounds won't be mortal to myself or my marriage. My hubby has stepped in to "help". I tried to warn him that it's a trap to no avail. The man that didn't want anymore anger in the house has now volunteered to escalate it. Macheivelli school of family relations. Mom has used the "divide and conquer" thing before. Hub is too afraid of what people might think. I'm concerned that we may not survive this. I'm placing all my trust in GOD.
. You say your Mother is 83 and "has early stages of dementia"... That's probably WHY she didn't ask you how you were after your surgery. If you go over there everyday, which is awesome that you do that, and she still continues to call you and ask you to do something for her, the only thing I can say is keep track of what time she calls you and wants you to drop things. Then after a couple weeks, change the time you go over there to that time of the day. It is normal to feel guilty about not being able to go, but realize that you ARE doing everything in your power to help her and make sure she is well taken care of..you should just shrug off those guilt feelings. You are a gift to her for what you do, feel good about yourself and know she is not alone where she is living, there are nice people who will help her if you can't make it.
Is he willing to back you up and be more concerned about what you think and need that what others think and your mom demands?
I can sure identify with the pearls and swine verse and seriously wonder if I have any pearls left. Thank God that today, I only have one hour and 45 _ minutes until my therapy session cause I'm very frustrated, etc. as probably some have seen in my rather dark postings on some threads recently.
godhelpus, My husband decided one time to let sympathy for mom overrule any common sense he possessed that day. Big mistake on his part. He was wrong and I let him know it. I said mom wants to come between anyone I love, and I won't let her do it to us. We have to stand united. She'd like nothing more than to see me without you. I won't let her win, not on this. He's got a heart of gold and just wanted things to be good between mom and me. I told him it'd never happen and it never did. Hubby's mom died when he was 3 so he thought having a mom was wonderful for me. Not my mom! Nothing wonderful about her. He sees it all now and knows mom is not good to me or for me. Your husband needs to be by your side in this matter, not on the other side. He surely knows your and mom's history. Some things are not fixable. Husband's efforts may be honorable,but they could prove detrimental to your marriage. Does he not see this? Hope you can come to an agreement. Don't let your mom have reason to rejoice for splitting you up. God will help you, I'm sure.
godhelpus, your man is not showing your mother sympothy or compassion. Naw, he's having some pity for her at your expense for him to look good to others. He wants to really look good, he needs to you some real compassion, sympathy, and empathy by standing by your side, that is after all what each of ya vowed to each other in marriage. Maybe it's time to look over the constitution and bill of rights of your marriage!!!! He's better off letting you be the mother he never had than the MIL neither you or he need to have destroying your lives!!!!!!
Ssnow started this thread on 6/12 and hasn't returned to respond. Oh well.
Crowemag & AWD, Not the first time hub has turned on me after I made a decision of this importance. He says ride with it for now. So we ride with it for now. Maybe he wants me dead too. Then he and the witch can live happily ever after. Two loves in my life (hub & mom), and they both seem to be reprobates. Whatever.
Sorry, that wasn't fair to my husband. He means well. His mom passed a couple years ago & I think he still hurts from it. His mom was a good woman who wouldn't burden a fly. Unlike my mom.
So what if the b#@$h does kill me? Then I'll be with my LORD & won't have to deal with it anymore!!!!
OH My! Your reprobates are incomprehensible. Your spouse reprobate sounds like a marriage therapist needs to work on who the he is married to and what that means and that who he's picking to fill this 'mommy void' is a super sized sick choice. GHU, all I can say at this point is God Help You. Just make sure to do your part to make sure to stay alive regardless of what hubby reprobate does or does not do.
godhelpus can you leave Mom and the hubby and check into a Holliday Inn with a girlfriend for a day or two and get some away time that is what I planned to do when the husband was driving me crazy-but he fell and ended up in rehab instead.
godhelpus, if this is realistically possible to get away inform the husband that as a consequence for not standing by his woman, you will be leaving the house to stay somewhere else for a few days and nights and you will call him when you get there.
Do you think I told my wife where the children and I went to when I informed her that because a certain boundary was broken by her own choice that the consequence was my taking the boys with me to live somewhere else for a few nights and days until she undid-what she had earlier agreed in counseling not to do? Naw!
This is in addition to my last post. My mom, never wanting me to have a husband, kids or a life, loved to get me riled. She had a dr. app one time, I couldn't take her because I couldn't get off work. Hubby volunteered. He took her and also bought her lunch on the way back. Mom couldn't wait to call me at work and tell me how good their "date" was. It wasn't said as a joke. I was floored. After we all survived hurricane Ike, she told me and my daughter that the when the next hurricane came, she and my husband didn't care what happened to any of the family, they were going to take care of themselves, get a hotel up the road. Whoa nelly!! These are just 2 of the several comments she made like this. I saw to it that my husband never took her to the dr. again, was never available to come along with me to her house, etc. What a witch! I still boil every time I think about her being so hateful. Poor hubby had no idea and was horrified when I told him what she'd been telling me. Yes, I have such a sweet mom . . . NOT! godhelpus, think about getting away, if you can. Of course, don't do it if it makes your husband want to leave you. But you somehow need to get across to him that he steps over the line when he sides with your mom. It's not right. There are things called loyalty and respect and you deserve both.
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Sorry you're in this situation. Elders can abuse their caregivers. If you care for yourself or the rest of your family you must set boundaries. You have other obligations and cannot be at her beck and call 24/7.
DO NOT FEEL GUILTY!!! It can and will hurt you.
If you do not set limits now it will only get worse. Guard your heart with all dilligence and as much as you love her do NOT let her run roughshod over your life.
You are not here for her amusement and you must take some control along with this responsibility.
The Love&logic website was recommended to me and I found it very enlightening. Check the testimonials and you'll get a good idea of what its about. It works on elders too as I have heard that elders are children in reverse. Other threads on this site you may also find helpful. This is a compassionate group of loving caregivers who support each other and you can learn much.
I'm praying for us.
I have never hesitated to tell my mother, whom I love dearly, when I am too tired to do something. Don't just go along to get along with your Mom. You sure do have a life and family, and owe it to yourself to keep your life in balance.
Maybe the next time she asks you to do something that can wait you can tell her nicely that you are still recovering from major surgery and need a whole lot more time before you can start juggling as much as you once did. Let her know you may never be up to the task of juggling as much as you once did, but that she will always be able to count on you. Let her know what works for you and what is realistic. No need to argue with her. She may pout. That's ok. She's entitled to, as we all are, to pout when things don't work the way we expected them to work out.
Wishing you healing, a full recovery, and reclaiming your life and time. Hugs.
Someone -- I can't recall whom -- once said you need to be a masochist to work in the caregiving field and a sadist to succeed at it. Still, if you had enough self-respect to stand up for yourself, your priorities and your mind would be clear and and wouldn't have to put up with all this abuse. In any case, here are some suggestions:
(1) Get a home health aide to put up with her whipcracking;
(2) Have a tete-a-tete with her and let her know your own family comes first; and/or sit down with her and make a calendar indicating the days you'll be coming by to help (tell her the moment she starts her BS you're leaving);
(3) Flip the script on her and make her feel guilty about all the things you can't do for your own family because you're catering to her every whim;
(4) Zip it and do a Mother Theresa.
It's up to you to love yourself once again. Good luck.
-- ED
I would agree with Advier accept on one point option. My mom always wants to know when I will be there to see her. This is so she can have her dastardly plan for the day in place when I get there. I have found it to be much safer to take her by surprise before she gets me!!!!
Cover your buttons!!!!!
Your description "but even before this she has always made me feel guilty and has been very selfish" tells me that your mother put those guilt buttons inside of you long ago so that she could light it up with fear and push you with guilt into feeling obligated to live and love without boundaries which is not healthy for either of you.
To put it bluntly, your mother sounds like someone with a narcissistic personality disorder or borderline. Whatever the diagnosis does not really matter. What matters is you taking good care of yourself and realize that you are worth it to take good care of yourself. The more you take good care of yourself and set up good boundaries the more she is going to push at those F.O.G. buttons, but you don't have to automatically respond.
You are an adult and like all of us adults, we have the power of choice. I'm not saying it is easy, but we do have the power to chose. Sometimes, we need a therapist to help us gain enough internal strength to make those choices and if you do, then get one.
Very often, as I have heard here and seen in my own life, when a parent declines various unresolved issues come strongly to the surface. Now is the time to shine light that dispells the F.O.G. which will be healthier for you and many others around you.
In communicating with her, it will be less likely to put her on the defensive to make some I statements like "I feel imposed upon when you expect me to jump when you call right in the middle of my supper or whatever" That is less likely to get a defensive reaction than saying 'you make me feel......" Nope, we got to take ownership of our own feelings, but we don't have to swallow them like a stifled child. Parents like her want their adult children to forget we are adults and revert emotionally back to being a little child. They think it is helpful for them, but actually it really helps no one in the long run.
Best to you in this mess. You are not alone in your battle against F.O.G. as many others fight it as well.
You sound like me a while ago. Now my mom can't remember that I have a cell phone and calls over and over again on my house phone. I constantly tell her to call my cell but she doesn't remember the number any longer.
Lose the guilt feelings they will eat you alive. If you're doing all you can, there is no more to be done. You've got to take care of yourself in order to take care of her.
By the way How are you feeling since the surgery?
It is as real as it gets. I wonder if there weren't FOG seminars for parents when we were children????
On a recent visit to hospital I flippantly introduced myself to a nurse as "the servant" at which time my mom chuckled and said "That's the way I planned it 50 years ago."
She busted on herslf. Enough said.
From what I know, the F.O.G. phrase was developed as people wrote about not walking on eggshells around people with borderline personality disorder which people we called just plain mean before the 1980's but we know more about why they are that way than we did before and it's not all about rape-sex- and all that stuff like we thought it was at one time.
I read a lot of people that say you having nothing to feel guilty about. It is true. Believe me, I still struggle with this as well. I tell myself all the time that if I don't have any control over it, there is no reason for guilt. You know you cannot control your mother's feelings. They are hers!! As they age, they go through so many changes and she will have many feelings to come. You can listen, you can ignore the unreasonable things she says (I have learned to do that a lot and not feel a bit of guilt - it's a whole new way to communicate), you can be there when you are able and that's it! My mother once said, "You have to make sure I get what I want." I said, "No - I have to make sure you get what you NEED." I didn't offer any other explanations, but I thought to myself that none of us have all we want and yet sometimes the elderly think they are entitled to it. I do believe they are entitled to our respect and love, but you don't have to prove anything by catering to them. it is never-ending and with failing memories they don't even remember how much you sacrificed. I have found that out the hard way as well. It's sad, but true. Knocking yourself out they won't even remember. BALANCE is the key to living well. Hang in there!
LORD we're desperate for you!
You are soooooo right. All of that.
Praying my wounds won't be mortal to myself or my marriage.
My hubby has stepped in to "help".
I tried to warn him that it's a trap to no avail. The man that didn't want anymore anger in the house has now volunteered to escalate it.
Macheivelli school of family relations. Mom has used the "divide and conquer" thing before. Hub is too afraid of what people might think. I'm concerned that we may not survive this.
I'm placing all my trust in GOD.
over-functioning does escalate anger, etc. without even being aware of it as it's anxious energy trying to control the appearence of the situtation
Such functioning our of "Fear of what others might think" is about like putting on the cloak of nonviolence to cover impotence.
If you go over there everyday, which is awesome that you do that, and she still continues to call you and ask you to do something for her, the only thing I can say is keep track of what time she calls you and wants you to drop things. Then after a couple weeks, change the time you go over there to that time of the day. It is normal to feel guilty about not being able to go, but realize that you ARE doing everything in your power to help her and make sure she is well taken care of..you should just shrug off those guilt feelings. You are a gift to her for what you do, feel good about yourself and know she is not alone where she is living, there are nice people who will help her if you can't make it.
"Do not throw your pearls before swine lest they turn on you and tear you to pieces".
I'm sick of throwing pearls before swine, but how can I get out if my hub won't even back me up?
I can sure identify with the pearls and swine verse and seriously wonder if I have any pearls left. Thank God that today, I only have one hour and 45 _ minutes until my therapy session cause I'm very frustrated, etc. as probably some have seen in my rather dark postings on some threads recently.
My husband decided one time to let sympathy for mom overrule any common sense he possessed that day. Big mistake on his part. He was wrong and I let him know it. I said mom wants to come between anyone I love, and I won't let her do it to us. We have to stand united. She'd like nothing more than to see me without you. I won't let her win, not on this. He's got a heart of gold and just wanted things to be good between mom and me. I told him it'd never happen and it never did. Hubby's mom died when he was 3 so he thought having a mom was wonderful for me. Not my mom! Nothing wonderful about her. He sees it all now and knows mom is not good to me or for me.
Your husband needs to be by your side in this matter, not on the other side. He surely knows your and mom's history. Some things are not fixable. Husband's efforts may be honorable,but they could prove detrimental to your marriage. Does he not see this? Hope you can come to an agreement. Don't let your mom have reason to rejoice for splitting you up. God will help you, I'm sure.
godhelpus, your man is not showing your mother sympothy or compassion. Naw, he's having some pity for her at your expense for him to look good to others. He wants to really look good, he needs to you some real compassion, sympathy, and empathy by standing by your side, that is after all what each of ya vowed to each other in marriage. Maybe it's time to look over the constitution and bill of rights of your marriage!!!! He's better off letting you be the mother he never had than the MIL neither you or he need to have destroying your lives!!!!!!
Crowemag & AWD,
Not the first time hub has turned on me after I made a decision of this importance. He says ride with it for now. So we ride with it for now. Maybe he wants me dead too. Then he and the witch can live happily ever after. Two loves in my life (hub & mom), and they both seem to be reprobates. Whatever.
So what if the b#@$h does kill me? Then I'll be with my LORD & won't have to deal with it anymore!!!!
OH My! Your reprobates are incomprehensible. Your spouse reprobate sounds like a marriage therapist needs to work on who the he is married to and what that means and that who he's picking to fill this 'mommy void' is a super sized sick choice. GHU, all I can say at this point is God Help You. Just make sure to do your part to make sure to stay alive regardless of what hubby reprobate does or does not do.
Do you think I told my wife where the children and I went to when I informed her that because a certain boundary was broken by her own choice that the consequence was my taking the boys with me to live somewhere else for a few nights and days until she undid-what she had earlier agreed in counseling not to do? Naw!
godhelpus, think about getting away, if you can. Of course, don't do it if it makes your husband want to leave you. But you somehow need to get across to him that he steps over the line when he sides with your mom. It's not right. There are things called loyalty and respect and you deserve both.