My mother lives by herself in the same town as I do. She moved here 6 years ago from a larger city where my sister lives. Part of the reason she moved here is because I am more willing to be attentive and Mom feels more comfortable with my husband and children. My sister is a good person, but has always done just what she wants, and on her time schedule, not one to be put out. Also, the city I live in is smaller and my Mom can still drive here (such as to the store, library, dr., etc). Mom has some hearing loss as well as selective hearing. Also, since she lives alone, her social skills have diminished quite a bit. She has alway been a chatter box, but it seems like she doesn't listen to other people, just talks about what she wants. Is not a two way conversation....you know.....I talk, then you talk, when I talk again should be relevant to what you said, and vice versa. A conversation, back and forth. My Mom seem incapable of this anymore, and I find myself getting shorter and shorter with her because she does not listen. She askes me to help her with some issue, but she doesn't listen to the information I am trying to provide her, then I get short with her, and she acts all hurt, but she won't listen. Then, after these encounters, I feel bad, and she thinks I am just being a big B***h. Unfortunately, now I find myself avoiding going over to her house, or having her over at mine. I think I really just needed to vent, but if someone has some insight for me, it would be greatly appreciated
Again, like your mother, mine does not listen to anyone else in any significant way. She doesn't even pretend to be listening. In fact, often she has asked me a question and as I'm trying to answer her she talks right over me about something else. It used to annoy the hell out of me, but now I don't take it personally. It's not my problem if she has zero attention span or that her world has been narrowed down to just her. Sometimes, when she starts talking over me I'll say something ridiculous just to see if anything registers. One time I said "and then the space man pulled down his pants and showed me his ray gun". Ten minutes later she asked me if I said something about pulling down my pants!
You can't take it personally. It's part of getting old for her and part of being patient for you. Someone's personality flaw is not your responsibility and at her age, you aren't going to change her.
What really annoys me? Is that my sister is the same way and she is no where near old age yet but she has no clue that talking about herself non stop is not considered conversation. Still, not my problem. I have real, adult conversational interaction with people who have more to say!!
Hang in there, youngest. Dealing with your elderly parent is not easy but i'm sure dealing with us for the first 18 years of our lives was no picnic for them, either!
One of the respondents pointed out that "you are not really going there for YOUR benefit."
So I think that even though you would like it to be different, you have to reframe your expectations in terms of the fact that you are going to visit FOR your mother, and that one-sided conversation is all she can do these days. Find a way to go with the flow instead of fighting it.
Maybe make it a game and give yourself points for not "getting short", as you say..
Personally, when my 105 yo grandmother begins a one-sided story that I've heard 100 times already, I sometimes have to put my hands behind my back and mentally dig shards of glass into my palm. It's that bad. But at least it works. Sometimes.
I have experienced your pain! My parents moved close to me so that I could help them. I had 5 small children and my parents were constantly calling me for advice, and wanting visits, etc. I got to the point you are at where I didn't even want to answer the phone let alone go over (and they lived down the street).
However, looking back now, that was the beginning of my dad's dymensia. They were lonely and overwhelmed with the day by day tasks that we take for granted. My advice is to listen attentively, understanding her loneliness and especially visit her regularly. Be patient, I promise that you will be glad you did!
My husbands aunt was hilarious, everytime he would call her, the minute he told her who he was she would go on for a good 15 to 20 minutes without my husband being able to say a word and then she would all of a sudden say thanks for calling and then hang up. It was definately a one sided conversation. Hang in there, you are not alone! I am the youngest of 6 children and I am still taking care of my 96 year old mom in my home with three children still at home. My father passed away from alzheimers 9 months ago. Go being the youngest!...We know how to get the job done! Stay strong!
irritates me more now because she does them more the older
she gets. Like many people her age, she is retreating into
her second childhood and becoming as self-centered as
any two-year old. I find that it helps if I remind myself that
she is a small child rather than "my mother", as I am
more tolerant of children. But it often becomes too hard
for me to stand, and then I make some excuse to step away
for ten minutes or so : "I need to pee", "My leg is getting
a cramp, I need to walk it off".
My mother's doctor recently prescribed Namenda
for her to help with her mild memory problems. It didn't
help her memory (which she worries about) but it did seem
to make her calmer, more flexible and more open to
suggestions - ie easier to get along with. It isn't
for everyone (check for side-effects) and it doesn't
always work. But if her doctor thinks it might help
her and thinks it is safe, then it might help both of
you. But remember that all medicines carry
unknown risks, and sometime it is safer to just
take a long walk to restore your personal tranquillity.
Like so many people, I understand your feelings. My mother does the same thing with me. I have tried to use the time I devote to her phone calls so that I do some things that matter to me while I listen. So, I knit while I listen to her, do my nails, and usually avoid putting a great deal of energy into answers unless I think she truly needs my help.If the issue at hand seems to be something that is not vital, I often ask her what she thinks she should do. I have also started telling her some of my concerns , and she really seems to get involved (sometimes). I think my mom is truly lonely. My Dad was her sounding board; she misses him even if I don't think he really listened all of the time. The other night I was so frustrated with hearing her repeat herself over and over again. When I hung up, I realized that I will truly miss her when she is not here to tell me minute details to every issue. I have probably not helped at all, but I know that everyone I talk to becomes frustrated with caregiving but treasures the memories in the end. Also, learning to knit has helped me to make my son some great items. (even if he probably gives them to someone else : } ) Take care and please stay in touch with us. RLP
Author Unknown
Please don’t try and make me Remember…
Don’t try and make me Understand…
Just let me Rest and know you’re with Me…
Kiss my Cheek and Hold my Hand
I’m Confused beyond your concept…
I am Sad and Sick and Lost…
All I know is that I need You…
To be with me at all cost.
Don’t lose your patience with Me…
Please don’t Scold, or Curse, or Cry….
I can’t help the way I am Acting…
Although I will try.
Just Remember that I need You…
And the Best of me is Gone…
Please just stay beside me…
Until my Life is Done.
I totally understand where you are coming from. And I thought raising a rebellious teenager was hard! My dad is in a nursing home with multiple health problems, yet after talking to my mom I only hear about how it is all affecting her. She is totally self centered, won't listen to anything or take suggestions from anyone , including friends who have been through this before.
All she talks about is how her whole world is turned upside down - and it is. I was trying to help her out by giving her suggestions about what to do or how to deal with things, but she doesn't listen at all! Finally I realized that I can't do anything to change her but I don't have to react to everything she says. Right now I do feel some distance from her but I don't have to see her everyday anyway. All I can say to you is you are not alone, this is so hard to deal with and your mother's happiness is not your responsibility. Wishing you well,
Linda
I think that many people here contributed some good (and clever!) ideas. Don't beat yourself up. When we were children, our parents sometimes had to tell us "no". It is no different now.
20 years now, and she has demetia, she always been spoiled and go
her way, she always came first, I try to stop her from cooking and
running out the door, she scared me, she will not listen to me
Best to you!
It's awfully hard to be around such self focus and negativity and I've lost it on my Mom plenty over the years but I hate when I get like that. It never helps AND I feel guilty.
One thing I found to make it easier is to have zero expectations that I am going to get anything out of a conversation with her. I tell myself there are other people in my life to fill that need. So when we talk I remind myself that nothing has changed.
Mom and Dad are still living on their own so I don't call unless I feel up to listening to the same tired old stuff. Once in a while we do end up having a fun or positive conversation and I just try and enjoy it without getting my hopes up.
I know you live with your Mom and that makes it all the harder. Is there a room you can go into and shut the door when you need respite? Or maybe get out of the house? I wish you much luck and hope you find relief.
I'm in the same position. My mother and I used to be good buddies (which was why I became the designated caregiver out of 7 adult children), but that is a thing of the past. Now it's all about her. Mom didn't even remember my birthday this past year. I mean, just totally forgot, and I was practically living with her at the time, and no she doesn't have dementia . As my friend and confidante, Mom knew about all the plans and goals I had for my retirement, but she thinks nothing of expecting me to sacrifice all of it to make her senior years as easy and comfortable as possible for her. And of course all the conversation is about her - her medical issues, her schedule, her home maintenance needs, whatever she wants me involved with and helping with. It's like if they allow themselves to remember that you're a separate person with your own issues and feelings, they'd feel too bad about everything they're asking you to sacrifice for them, so they just don't think of it. It bites. I wish I had some helpful advice, but I really don't. It just really bites.
But more than that, don't let her current condition, whatever it is or isn't run your life into the ground or ruin your perspective. Make good decisions for her and for you...I suspect she can't do that any more, and she needs you to do it and will come to need it more and more. Build trust as much as you can. Find ways to show her that her needs will be met while you go ahead with Plan A, or maybe a modified Plan A, but NOT Plan B, if Plan B is you give up everything and devote 110% of available resources to her every whim.
Not only is my mother so self absorbed, (can't remember the last time she asked how I was doing) and such a chronic complainer, she is always criticizing and accusing me and everybody else. Never herself. If the weather is bad, it is my fault. She has accused me of things that are impossible for me to have done. I was also getting short and downright ugly with her.
She is so difficult to be with that people cannot believe that we are related. And I have had to call places (i.e. doctor's offices) to apologize for her behavior and ask the doctor not to scold the receptionist, nurse, tech, etc. who she is accusing of so negligence, or incompetence . Nobody wants to see her coming and doors are closed to her even by my siblings.
So, how do I handle her? (many times I wish I drank or did drugs!!) I basically ignore her. I NEVER respond to her accusations or complaints. I just usually say, "uh huh", "wow", "gosh", etc. I NEVER try to solve her problems, nor side with her against another person, or try to help her see the other person's point of view.
It has taken me a lifetime to learn that with my mother's personality disorder, there is no communicating with that type of person. There is no meaningful interaction. Only frustration. So I decided to stop being frustrated and angry. I love my mother, but I don't like her. We are related, but not friends. I keep my companionship and physical visits very limited. Mostly talk on the phone. I can handle 5 minutes of that.
If I let her get more into my life and my head, I lose. I just try to love her from a distance. That is best for me. That way, I can be sane for my husband who drives me insane in his own way.
I feel guilty as heck, but for my sanity and my husband's care, I have to keep my distance from the person who bleeds me dry if I let her. I got good advice from my pastor who reminded me and confirmed for me that my husband is my first and most important priority. I can and should help my mother whenever possible, so I send money for her to get what she wants or needs. I don't do it personally if I can find another way to get her needs met.
I wish you the best.
Aging people lose their hearing, their partners, their health, their independence, their work place, their friends, their mental faculties, and eventually push their own families away as the families become frustrated with their aging loved one who is waiting for the Big Unknown. It has to be the loneliest time in a person's life. Remember the conversation is not for you, it is for the person you are with. Guide the conversation if you must; even if it is an abrupt topic change. Be sure you get the information you need, and then ask them leading questions - how are they feeling health-wise? Any appointments coming up? Anything that worries or frightens them? Who have they been seeing for company and when is that person's next visit? You could learn some things in the process of guiding the conversation.
Think about possible ways to engage them with an activity that will distract them - a walk (push the wheelchair if you have to), shopping, volunteering, board game, music, looking at photo albums, something focused. This person is very aware the visit you are having may be your last and that fear and urgency can be quite motivating to speak. My parents love to talk about the family tree and be sure their kids know who everyone is.
You never know when these conversations will be silenced forever. Listen while you can and know that you are boosting your companion more than you know. Hopefully someday someone will do the same for you.