My mother and her sister both are terrified of Nursing homes. My mother is nearly 85 and when I can get her assets in order, I need to put her in a nursing home. Problem is, she still knows me, but doesn't recognize she is home, that my dad (her husband) has been dead nearly 16 years and her mama's been dead around ten years. She has difficulty speaking a complete sentence and identifying things, like her cigarette lighter. She can't drive, cook, or be trusted to take her meds correctly. BUT, legally, you can't put anyone in a nursing home who doesn't want to go. It's a good law, but not always the best thing for a person like my mother. I've been caring for her six years now and have finally come to terms with the fact she'd be better off and I would too if she were in a nursing home. How can I get her admitted when the time comes if she refuses? I've heard if she went into the hospital, I could refuse to take her back to her home since there's nobody to care for her. As for my aunt, she's a little more coherent than mama, but cannot drive to get groceries or her meds. She lives alone and her daughters have health issues of their own and can no longer take care of her, but she refuses to accept this and won't go to a nursing home. She's fallen several times and had to lay there till she could (painfully) get to a phone and call for help. But my aunt knows where she is and what day it is, etc. She is just too stuborn to go to a nursing home, believing it's her daughters' moral obligation to care for her, no matter how exhausted, overwhelmed or ill they are. But before their mother, I'm more concerned about how to get my own mother into a nursing home. She somehow can remember she can't be forced to go. We live in Texas. I know laws vary from state to state. I guess my main question is, if a person poses a threat to themselves, can't care for themselves, is there a legal way to have them commited to a nursing home? Hope I don't sound like I don't love her because I do.
We live in Canada and I'm aware of all help is available already, of course, and arranged help to come to our home where I live with my husband and I'm ready to transfer it to my mother's place. However, she keeps telling me that she is not ready yet and does not give the date when she will be ready. Today, I did not have a PSW for my Grandma and could not live her at home, I brought her to my mom's until 4 p.m when I'm done with work (was a surprise for her!) and she yelled at me said all nasty things she could about me and my husband but except grandma for the day. I will keep working on it, thank you for your input.
violinist
The thing is, the way it looks to an outsider, you kind of can't have it both ways. You have gathered together a good deal of reasonably current information on BPD, you have a psychologist and a psychiatrist, a clear assessment of the kind of dynamics you're dealing with. It's not like you're stuck minding the cattle out on the steppe, is it.
But, so, in that case, you are equally free to consult the social and cultural norms of the time and place where you are living *now*. Ask around! Find out what help might be appropriate and available for your grandmother. Enlist allies! I don't care how thumpingly clear your mother's BPD is, it still doesn't put her in charge of your life - unless you let it.
But... thank you so much for taking the time to communicate your thoughts as it helps me to validate my own thoughts and feelings.
violinist
Violinist, to paraphrase the great Samuel Goldwyn, a Power of Attorney that is not written is not worth the paper it is not written on.
When you say "this is not in our culture"... I value and respect the importance of a person's own culture to him or her. However. I do not know of any cultures whose traditions set out to be inflexible, or set out to prevent people from leading their lives. And I certainly don't know of any cultures which insist on a child's obligations to his or her parents and grandparents but at the same time disregard a wife's obligations to her husband.
Could you say a little more about what your situation is and what your ideal solution might be?
Thank you
Contact your local social services and get advice. Your grandmother needs more help than can be provided in most families, it's time to start looking for a facility and researching the best way to fund it.
Does your mother have power of attorney for your grandmother, or anything like that?
Please help!
My Mom lives with me and has for 4 years. I am exhausted most of the time, and do my best with God's help.
We take her everywhere we go. We took her on a 10 day road trip to Statue of Liberty and back. Difficult, but she had a great time. We are planning another trip this year Lord willing, and we will take her with us.
It is a difficult season of life, when you are the one providing care for parents. But we will be there one day as well. This is not a judgement on anyones choices, but I will never put my Mom in a nursing home. I have worked in several in my life and visit people often who are in them, I just will do whatever I can to prevent that. There are always answers, if we look hard enough.
Its tough I know and not everyone is the same, do your best, pray for wisdom in the matter.
Best wishes to you all, and may God help you in your season.
I heard that if they can’t answer those 3 questions that they can be committed. Not sure if it applies in all states.
1. What is the year?
2. Who is president?
3 where do you live
The writing is on the wall: Your parent is no longer safe living at home. Maybe they've started fires by forgetting to turn off the stove. Perhaps they've had several major falls that have landed them in the hospital. Or they could be hoarding, with a house packed so full that emergency personnel would not be able to enter, or the elder not be able to exit in an emergency. Whatever the individual circumstances you face, your loved one refuses to even consider moving to an assisted living facility. You've tried to reason with them, had the talk about senior communities, tried to get them to tour local communities, begged, pleaded and bribed. Nothing works.
What's a caregiver to do when they believe at best grievous harm or at worst death is an imminent possibility if their parent continues living at home? If you have a guardianship you can force someone to move. However, that is the only way to make an elder move from their home. Those without guardianship face a much different scenario.
It's not an easy – or inexpensive process, according to Susan B. Geffen, an elder law attorney, gerontologist and author of "Take That Nursing Home and Shove it!" The courts must get involved in a costly and sometimes highly contentious guardianship proceeding in which someone, a guardian (or conservator) can dictate where an individual will live. In some cases, a family member will initiate this proceeding. Or the county's adult protective services, part of the social services in the county where you live will petition the court. This typically happens when a neighbor or concerned acquaintance reports a perceived danger. Many times, the older adult will not let the social worker or investigator in the door.
"From a legal standpoint, judges value the independence of an individual, including older adults," Geffen says. "The courts will bend over backwards to make sure that these rights are not trammeled even if some of the adult's decisions are colorful."
If the older cognitively impaired adult has moments of lucidity and can state what they want, the judge will usually rule that they can remain at home and order the appointed guardian to make sure that appropriate systems such as in home care and home modifications are in place.
Why do the courts take this stance? Geffen explains it is in line with the ruling a 1999 U.S. Supreme Court decision that ruled that unnecessary "institutionalization" of people with disabilities is a type of discrimination prohibited by the Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA). According to Geffen, this decision has become shorthand for the principle that institutionalization (including assisted living) should be a last resort for people who need long-term services and support.
Some people have the misconception that with a financial power of attorney (POA) or healthcare POA, they will have the authority to force their parent to move. That is not the case. "No document gives the caregiver that authority." There are certain things you can and can't do with POA. These documents only give someone the power to "be the impaired person's voice for legal, financial or health care matters," Geffen says.
Any attempt to take over the rights of an individual is costly and time-consuming and the process may not have a favorable outcome for the caregiver (in legal terms, known as the petitioner). Judges, lawyers, psychologists, neuropsychiatrists and Adult Protective Services are often involved. The court assigns an independent attorney to represent the elder. The petitioner is responsible for paying the filing fee and costs of bringing the suit. One example of "costs" would be payment of doctor's expenses if a medical, neurological or psychological evaluation of the elder is necessary https://www.agingcare.com/articles/legally-force-move-to-assisted-living-155888.htm this could help
The very worst that can happen is that the NH refuses to assist, she is therefore obliged to stop smoking, and she's furious with everyone about it. And then? Well, then…
1. The attending PCP can be asked to assist with nicotine patches and so on.
2. She can look for another NH, one with less inflexible policies about their staff's duties.
3. She can divert herself by investigating what human rights legislation she might be able to act on; or you can do that on her behalf if you feel so inclined.
I'm sorry for your mother, and I'm sorry that you're getting the fallout about it. But the key thing to remember is that neither the addiction nor the solution is your problem - do your best to ignore it as blithely as possible.
Did they make her any foolish promises before she was admitted, along the lines of 'we're here to make you feel at home and you can live your life as you always have' kind of thing?
In any case, hearing about this or seeing it must have been very traumatic for you. Hugs!
I closed my business and took care of my husband for 2 years when he was in Hospice here at home. I know the work involved and also the feeling of love that came from the difficult job of caring for my dying best friend. Even though I thought I'd go crazy at the load I was caring, I was so happy to be able to give him the gift of my love and care for him in his dark days. And yes, he was in so much pain and agony as he died from cancer that it took my breath away.
So, I know.
As a result of what I read here by the daughter and the other many posts from other "children," I have concluded that the best thing to do in my alone situation is to respect my son's busy life as a programmer -- he's single and oh so happy with his busy life -- and to not share with him anything that will burden him. I also have zero desire for him to be writing to one of these boards about his mum or any desire for him to make decisions about my care.
We have been aging and dying for millions of years -- years that were long before the existence of nursing homes. It's not pretty but dying is not a pretty business. It happens though to each of us. Instead, I have learned enough to know how to go when the time comes.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts here. You helped me know that I'm doing what is right for my boy.
Bless you