So basically my mother is mentally competent, become physically less able, and emotionally overwhelmed. I think depressed and anxious, Ive offerred a counseller but she declines. She has unmanaged diabetes because she just wants to chain smoke, eat bad foods etc. Which has very negatively effected her health. Her GP believes she has cancer and in denial about all her health issues. The Specialist believes ger downturn in health is due to unmanaged diabetes. Tests were organised. I also organised a social group service for her to boost her morale, a medical transport service for her as many if her appointments are during school pick up and drop offs times, or it's clashed with my children's appointments. All of these appointments, she either told me she had booked and was going but actually didn't make, or I made them for her and she cancelled and told the medical staff not to discuss it with me (when she had previously put me down as a point if contact).
Thankfully the hospital rebooked everything super quick, and I have been able to take her to various appointments and stay with her during these because its school holidays.
During this time, she is struggling to walk sometimes, I have to lift her in and out my car. But she is also chain smoking, not sleeping during the night, not on any insulin etc (I've sent the form away for her but yet to hear anything) and eating so much junk food and fruits!!!! Physically her ability has declined. So I either order groceries to be delivered or go pick things up for her.
This is my problem. She requests I buy her cakes, sweet stuff and cigarettes. If suggest no and try to discourage it, she gets angry, yells and cries.
I have been doing this because I don't think it's right to take control of her life. Her choices must still be hers even tho I don't agree with them. Yet, its me who has to physically buy these things for her as she cannot do or afford it herself. So I also feel like I'm enabling unhealthy behaviour and hurting her. It's doing my head in. How much control do you take from a older parent, who is struggling emotionally, who's physical health is rapidly declining because of the unhealthy decisions they are making which is hugely fuelled by their emotional state?????
If mum had her own physical devices, she would get them anyway.
I feel like I'm wrong if I do and also wrong if I don't. What are people experiences and perceptions please?
I don't think there is anything wrong with refusing to enable her self destructive behaviour, she's free to find another source.
Mom is like a petulant and rebellious teenager. The more you organize, scrutinize and push, the more she pushes back.
Step back. Say nothing when she is stuffing junk in her mouth or smoking. If she is mentally competent, she knows exactly what she’s doing. For heaven’s sake, do not enable her. It will be difficult. She can fuss and cry all she wants. When she starts, walk away. Leave. Hang up. When she thinks you no longer care about her well-being, things may change.
I only asked him about it once. He said that since his wife had left him, and he had retired, he had nothing left to live for. He knew that the junk he was eating would kill him and it did. He was only 67.
My former step father in law, told us if he ever got a cancer diagnosis he was going to start smoking again. He had quit years ago and missed it every day. He did not get cancer and died without starting smoking again.
Rainy I do not have an good answer for you, but I know if I were in your shoes I too would be struggling.
Was quite a character. I don’t know why he told so many crazy stories. I’ve heard that before television it was common for people to ‘tell tales’ just to escape boredom. Who knows? Anyway, he used to say that he had cancer when he didn’t.
My mom and dad would tell him to stop fabricating stories because it was crazy, also they would say, you may actually get cancer one day which is a dreadful disease. It bothered everyone that he did this to get attention. Plus people would ask us how he was doing with his cancer and so forth. Mom and dad felt put on the spot.
You know what was weird to me as a kid? I had a hard time understanding him using that device to speak but if he got mad and started cursing we could understand every word!
Anyway, he did get cancer and had his voice box removed and he still smoked cigarettes without a filter! He thought, what’s the difference? He did donate his body to science because he suffered so much and wanted his body to be used in medical research.
He truly suffered. Even tried to commit suicide in hospital by slitting his wrist and was furious that they saved his life.
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/an-end-of-life-conversation-led-by-gawandes-questions-205721.htm
You don't give her age--but a lifetime of smoking and diabetes--well, I'm sure her health is not good.
You're definitely enabling her.
YOU decide how much you will do for her. If she is going behind your back and cancelling appts and sneaking food and smoking-there really isn't anything you can do.
Maybe tell her you will grocery shop for her or show her how to do it online. Tell her if she makes a dr's appt you will take her, if you can.
If she cancels, or balks, be tough and don't play along. It will be hard, but you will adapt. Your own little family comes first.
It's hard to watch a LO self-destruct.
My dad is obese and diabetic, denies being diabetic yet takes a medication for it. He was adamant that he would eat what he wanted. Okay, I'll go buy you 10lbs of donuts, want chocolate milk with that? Because I, nor you, can be more concerned for their wellbeing than they are.
When I told him, it's your funeral, do what ever you want, he stopped eating sweets and candy like mad. I think just letting him know the cold hard facts shook his world. He will still cheat on occasion but not like before, he wouldn't eat anything but junk.
Maybe just telling her that it is hard on you to contribute to her early death or worse, amputation, blindness, kidney failure, stroke...and you would like to help her find a way to get these items without you feeling like your are loading the gun. Be very clear that she can do whatever she wants but you need to live with your choices as well and you don't want to have her demise on your conscience.
Brutal honesty can jar someone to make changes, if not, you know you have done your very best to help her.
Hugs, it is so hard when a parent doesn't take care of themselves and then wants to hang themselves and their poor health on our hearts.
Whatever you end up doing, you are not responsible for her condition. If she has cancer she may very well want her quality of life and not someone else's idea of quality while giving her quantity. It does get to a point that nothing will change the outcome and we just have to love them for who they are, stinky buts (cigarette) and all.
The one thing I commend you on is picking up daughter trumps Moms appointments. Seems funny her appts are always made at same time daughter gets out of school, though.
Its going to be hard, but you are going to have to tell her you no longer will buying her junk. Her appts are her responsibility. If she wants you to make them OK, but if she cancels, she remakes her own.
Mom will eventually be hospitalized. Her organs are going to be effected. Heart and Kidneys. Kidneys are going to mean dialysis.
If you have young kids Mom must not be that old.
Yes, it is incredibly difficult to say no to her. You are enmeshed with her and she manipulates and controls you with guilt. So you may need to limit your exposure to her. Don't get into arguments with her. If you can't stay away from her, tell her, "Mom, I love you too much to get you these things that are destroying you. I hate watching you destroy yourself and I know I can't stop you, but I will no longer be party to it. Please don't ask." Then leave if you can.
Understand that the begging, the crying, the guilting, the manipulating will get worse before it gets better. Steel yourself, knowing you are doing the right thing, even if it's difficult. Even if she continues doing what she's doing, and dies from it, you will have delivered yourself from a lifetime of regrets and true guilt.
God grant you courage, peace and strength going forward!
He ate whatever he wanted and as much as he wanted. Had an attitude of "I'm a grown man and no one's going to tell me what I can and can't eat"... which is a terribly immature attitude for a grown man. He died at 64. Pretty much ate himself to death. His wife, children, and grandchildren weren't enough reason for him to get his act together.
As for "Mom screams and cries if I don't get her what she wants"... well, too bad. She'll have to scream and cry, and see that it doesn't affect you. It's role reversal.
You are now the parent and she is the child. No loving parent would let their kid eat junk food all the time or repeatedly give in to a tantrum. You love them by giving boundaries. I suppose there's room for negotiation. "I'm happy to bring you a treat once a week, but I can't bring you a box of donuts today."
If you don’t feel it’s right-don’t do it. You are compromising YOUR values to pacify her so you won’t have to deal with a screaming woman. How did you raise your kids? Did you give them everything just to shut them up? It’s the same thing. Believe me, she’ll find a way to get what she wants without you.
As for her health, that’s her choice (as long as she’s able minded). We all have free will with our own bodies. It’s hard to stand by and watch and even harder to pick up the pieces when their health comes crashing down all around them. Do only what you feel comfortable doing when she gets sicker.
Sorry for you-it’s so hard when our parents make bad choices.
I would say you could do some variation of the same, if she wants her cigarettes and cakes that badly then she can get herself out for a little exercise to get it herself. Now I don't mean she has to find her own way to the store, she could arrange a shopping trip ride with you but she will need to go into the store and purchase those things herself. If she is going to throw a fit you could start with some white lies I suppose, I had (a child) with me and I wont purchase cigarettes with her/him around, I know yo don't want them to start that habit any more than I do. Oh they were out of that cake you asked for or I totally forgot, I'm just not used to shopping in that isle. But my choice would be to be up front that you simply can't in good continence contribute to her health decline, you wont stop her but you wont participate. You might even try a little guilt about how it affects you when she doesn't take care of herself and ends up in the hospital, needing medical care etc. Medical issues that happen is one thing ones we can see coming, prevent and know how to prevent is another.
When it comes to her medical appointments and issues, you really can't force her to admit they exist so I would try a softer approach here, it really is better for her to hear these things from a doctor even if she ignores what they are saying and if you can be at all of the appointments with her then she can't ignore that you too heard what was said. I would just then act on the assumption she is going to follow doctors orders, just take her for the bloodwork, set her up with BS testing schedule and meds (make it as easy as possible) and then give them to her at the right time. If she resists you just remind her this is what Dr X said we need to do but if you choose not to follow those directions it's your choice I just wont be able to control what happens next (Dr might call in state who might place her). It's a fine, not easy line getting your point across firmly but not alienating so they shut you out but your instinct not wanting to "run" her life, agree with her choices or not, & coming from love is the perfect approach to find that balance
Good luck!
Sorry, I am no help here. Just expressing sadness about growing old alone.
maybe it is Time to Intervene with Suggesting a Facility and Put your Foot Down..Be a Straw Boss Today or lay the New RULES DOWN.
I don't know..we are not in their shoes...yet. It has to be hard for them and very hard for the caring family member that try to do the right thing..I know. I feel for you. It is exhausting, especially when you care and want to do the right thing. My thoughts are with you.
She ended up with noticable cognitive decline that seemed to turn into dementia over night. She has now forgotten that she smoked. I can't say that I would have done anything different as far as going to the store to get her cigs even though I had basically quit. The role reversal everyone talks about isn't as easy for me as it seemed to be for a lot of people in similar situations.
The way my mom is and the dynamics of our relationship wouldn't allow her to put up with a role reversal when she was still mentally fit. Right or wrong that's the way it was. When the dementia set in it took me a while to accept the "new normal".
I had quit work because, well honestly because I hated my job and she needed me all the time. I thought it would be easy to be paid as her caregiver after all that's what she did for her mom. It took a lot longer than I expected and we were trying to live off her $935 a month. If she didn't have cigs I would go into a panic but when I noticed that she didn't notice that I wasn't smoking anymore it made it a little easier.
Anyway, sorry I'm totally talking about myself again. Even though our situations are probably not all that similar I know what you're going through and can tell that like me you worry just as much about not wanting to hurt your mom's pride as much as her health.
I know people will argue that that's wrong but for me saying no would have caused more problems than it would solve.
- I want to support her autonomy.
- I'm sick of arguing and pleading and being yelled at and cursed when I don't do as she asks.
Both of these are perfectly understandable reasons for complying with a person's request, but only the first has a defensible ethical basis. The second is merely pragmatic, and who could blame anyone for feeling it?
Look. Your mother is free to make her own choices, yes; but she is not free to direct your actions. If she had a gun and wanted to shoot herself in the head - perfectly legal choice for her to make - you wouldn't obediently trot off and fetch the bullets for her, would you? Of course not: you would be assisting a suicide, which IS illegal.
But she would still be free to get some bullets mail order, hypothetically; and in reality she is equally free to avail herself of any delivery services or shopping services available in your neck of the woods. But she's not free to send you on errands you refuse to run.
And she most certainly is NOT free to help herself to your money. If her money doesn't cover her genuine needs, then help her to access additional resources such as benefits or other kinds of assistance. But paying for extras is no part of your responsibility when it comes to supporting her choices - whether the extras are cigarettes or a cruise or a Hermès scarf, doesn't matter.
Being clear about where your responsibility begins and ends is only half the battle, though, isn't it. If you don't comply, you come under fire and it's miserable. But here is the reason it is worth the battle.
You are enabling, yes, though I hope it's really clear that I don't blame you. And the real problem is that what you are enabling is your mother's rejection of really crucial treatment. As long as you supply her cravings for quick rewards like junk food and ciggies, she has zero incentive to co-operate. Things can get a heck of a lot worse, be absolutely dire, but she can comfort herself with the fixes and continue to ignore the realities of her situation. You know the complications of uncontrolled diabetes, I'm not going to get ghoulish about it. But if you need a reason to stand up to her, and stand up for yourself, there are plenty of pictures online.
Don't frighten her - that would be bullying, and that is unethical. Just inform yourself so that when you have to say no you have the reasons clearly in mind.
And pick your battles. Don't try to transform her overnight. Start with her grocery budget and the medical appointments, maybe; but also get other people involved. Do you have good working relationships with any of the professionals involved in her care? - not just doctors, but community teams, social workers, anyone like that? It isn't all down to you.
You have some real good Answers here..truly!
I'm chiming in becuz I lost my fiance' @ age 57, from diabetes complications/kidney failure....here 1 day, dead the nxt. He ate horribly & smoked & drank & sweets...he was in full blown denial, many diabetics ARE.
what I noticed you saying was:
You didn't want to take away her ability to make decisions..
However, I see her doing that VERY thing to you?
You too, have decisions. & that's simply, put, " mom i'm not going to contribute to unmanaged diabetes"
& maybe point out she' noticeably not loving herself. & you Do love her.
Goodluck
http://bit.ly/2IeYzMW
Yeah, and most people fully realize that people do struggle before detoxification of substances. Then it will get somewhat easier, perhaps not emotionally, but physically at least. The emotional balance happens in time, not right away. So hard for people who struggle with the horrible disease of addiction.
You are a good mother not to enable your son. I never enabled my brother who was addicted to drugs. I never had the desire to buckle under. I’m glad. I’ve seen people who have given into others and they feel they are right in doing so at the time but later regret it. Others don’t feel that way, they are indifferent about it or feel it’s an act of mercy. Personal choice, I suppose.
I do know that even rehabs will say before a person detoxes, sometimes it is necessary to give them alcohol until there is an opportunity for rehab. I know someone who couldn’t get in that day and the rehab facility actually said to buy them alcohol for them to make it through the night. They can flatline without it. Sad.
Know someone who did flatline in withdrawal, fortunately they did revive them and she is in recovery. Ironically, she told me it was flatlining that caused her to get serious about stopping drinking.
She told me it was the first time she could put her husband and 3 young children ahead of drinking. I’m very proud of her accomplishments.
I taught her son in school. He was the most loved child by her after she quit drinking. She never took her family for granted again after flatlining.
You know you would not feed peanuts to an allergic child just because they wanted them. The wisdom of adulthood is easy to find in this interaction but perhaps it seems more elusive when you are the child trying to guide your parent's choices. Enabling behavior is as addictive as unhealthy choices so this work is yours to do. Unfortunately, even if you do your own work well, your mom still may not survive her own choices, and she may not want to.
When my mom decided to discontinue her chemo treatments after having only two, I felt it was a mistake but I realized that it was her decision to make and not mine. I set about being as supportive of her, in spite of her decision, as I possibly could, rather than demanding that she make me happy by choosing my perspective for her own path. Sometimes the only thing you can do with competent adults is offer them unconditional love for who they are and stop demanding that they perform to your standards for acceptance. They are free to choose well or poorly.
I'm sorry for the heartbreaking relationship you have with your mom. You can continue to offer the support of enabling good care arrangements but, as my dad's doctor told me, you can only do for him what you are able to do AND what he will allow you to do. You'll have to work with the entire formula and not just the half you favor.
Best wishes on coming to terms with all of this.
IMPORTANT-What looks like her unwillingness may actually be INABILITY... the brain is very susceptible to underlying, manifesting dementia in exactly the perfect storm that describe. As with most dementia, it will likely develope slowly and undetected. Make a list of normal behaviors 5 years ago and backwards, then a separate list of newly detected and experienced behaviors in contrast to her declining medical condition. Keep this with you at all times and especially appointments. You will see patterns if you're not already. You will need to give clinicians specific examples moving forward in order for them to clearly assess. You may have to make two appointments as talking in front of her will only allow for her to refute the situation.
If you are willing, then bear the burden of her shortlived anger. Once the excess sugar, salts, fats are not in her body, she probably will feel horrible...its very similar to a drug withdrawal and often also affects the dopamine receptor of the brain. You must, though, find out if this behavior is indicative of another progressive disease process on the rise. To help spur your awareness, look at signs and symptoms of Diabetes Type 3... the new American Diabetes Association guidelines. As with most dementias, it is not memory persay, that is initially (noticeably) affected, it is decision-making.
So sorry for the loss of your mom and having to go through this with your dad on top of it all!
It’s really tough. Honestly, I don’t think my dad would have coped any better than yours if my mom had died and left him behind.
My mom grieved for my dad. We all did but she surprised me with how well she coped after his death. Maybe her faith has carried her through. I’m not sure. She’s lost a lot of close relationships in her life. Her sister died in her arms at the hospital when she was only in her 40’s. Perhaps those experiences toughened her up. Grief is different for everyone, isn’t it?
Something like that, basically trading small treats for compliance. Once she starts complying, she may start feeling better and a positive cycle could begin.
This sounds kind of terrible and infantilizing, but maybe deperate time call for desperate measures.
Smoking is a very tough addiction. Maybe you could get her on the patch? Rather than having her quit cold turkey.
I agree with those who urge you to get her evaluated for depression, and treated. If at all possible.
She sounds really stubborn. So sorry you're having to deal with this.