Moved in with father-in-law 18 months ago. He promised to pay all expenses if we took care of him. He got my wife to agree we should pay for all food and house supplies. Then he told her we should pay half utilities. I think he should pay for everything as promised. He has plenty of income and savings to do this.
My mother talked about me to paying the house bills and expenses when I moved in. She thought I should take care of them -- her reasoning ability was gone. She had turned it around in her mind that they were taking care of poor destitute me, so I needed to pay for my upkeep. As it is now, I pay for my own things, e.g. cell phone, computer, car expenses, and about 1/3 the food (she eats a lot more than I do).
In my mother's mind she thought she would save their money and leave it to all their kids. In my mind, I would be the one paying the money that would end up being divided four ways with three other people who don't help at all. Of course, it is likely that no money will be left in the estate at all if she needs to go in a NH. It would not be wise for me to pay for things.
The reason for doing the above is if down the road Dad-in-law needs to go into a skilled continuing care facility, and if Medicaid [which is different from Medicare] need to be called in to help pay for his care, they will see from the paperwork you saved that father-in-law wasn't "gifting" you this money.
Sometimes we would need to cut back on spending if you are paying for Dad's upkeep. Like don't get Dad his favorite food, just tell him the cost of groceries has increased and you need to cut back. Turn down the heat, again the cost of heating is gone up. Cut back on cable if he watching a lot of TV. You get my drift. Maybe he will start contributing to the household expenses.
It is hard to understand how you fell for his promises, but it is time now to protect yourself. Get his promise in writing and enforce it, or get out.
Totally unacceptable. Poor man is not thinking straight. He is most likely not trying to take advantage of you but he's clueless. His ignorance should not become a problem for you. In the nicest way possible, explain the facts of caregiving to him. Perhaps an outsider could explain it in a way he'd accept it better: a social worker, a clergy person, his doctor.
It is hard to understand how you fell for his promises, but it is time now to protect yourself. Get his promise in writing and enforce it, or get out."
Having dealt with family members like your FIL a big part of my life, I'd recommend not even bothering to try to enforce his "promises." Just leave.
If he has spent his life using other people, he'll find a way to use you—one way or another as he already is trying to. Remaining in his house will make you and your wife even more vulnerable as he owns the property and therefore has more power over you. There is a great potential for all of your retirement savings to be used up and your marriage to be ruined. Do everything you can to reach through to your wife and set some boundaries with this man—and move as soon as you can.
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