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Sibling lives in Colorado. She is trying to give me the guilt trip. She believes I don't care about our dad, because I'm not willing to give up my job to care for him. I'm tired of feeling guilty and made like I don't care. I don't know what to do.
"Gee sis, if I had a million dollar bank account I "might" consider helping out with dad but unfortunately I live in the real world and I have a life and obligation here so I am not the solution to this problem. Lets try and brainstorm some realistic options." If sis lays on some more BS then "there's no point talking to you if you are just going to keep rehashing that same old crap, don't call me unless you are prepared to have a realistic conversation"... (hanging up phone)
Yes, this requires a calm discussion with your sibling AND dad about needs, expectations, ramifications, etc. More info would be helpful:
Has your father asked for in-home care? Is your father to the point where he requires daily oversight in person? What is his prognosis? What would be the cost for agency-provided care in NC for your Dad and would he be willing to pay/can he afford to pay for it? Would Medicare pay for some of it?
Maybe you can offer him help managing other things that you can do remotely, like managing his bill payments, home maintenance/repairs, etc.? I do this for 2 Aunties in FL, from MN.
I would let your sibling and father know that it is just not possible for you to stop working (especially if you have a spouse/kids) but that you are willing and able to help in other ways. Family can push lots of buttons but it's very important to not let your sibling's guilt tripping get to you. For your dad's sake the conversation needs to be calm, productive and realistic. Good luck!
Wish I had a dollar for how many times I heard and read that some family members are very free with giving advice from afar, but never get around to dirtying their own hands. My response would be to tell your sister that since she has all the answers she is free to put them to good use. You will put your father on the next plane to Colorado! And then hang up the phone and don't respond to her calls, at least in the short term. That way she cannot continue to try - and it would appear to succeed - in sending you on guilt trips.
I finally DID tell my 2 siblings that since they had better ideas than I did, I'd let them have a crack at it.
Initially, I was recently unemployed, divorced and lost my home -- ALL after 30+ years of consistency, so it made perfect sense for me to move in with mom (emotional comfort, very nice home) - TEMPORARILY. In those 5 yrs., mom deteriorated rapidly physically and cognitively, and so it was a v. intense 5 years of solo caretaking (with zero room or time for me to process my own 'stuff'). It was suggested (and I agreed) bya few friends, therapist, and caretaker acquaintences that I should move far enough away that there'd be no question that I was out of the 'picture', and they were on their their own to 'figure it out'. Since for 50 years I'd lived in the same city, this was the hardest thing EVER for me : ( At 65, single for first time in 40 years, in a new state ... The only rare communication I've gotten (and only from one) is how wonderfully smoothly 'everything' is going, just like clockwork, [implied] 'no stress', 'mom's doing MUCH better' -- all intended to convey how poorly I'd handled everything, and see, they were right! Fact is, my 5 years turned out to be the worst (daily trips to doctors of every stripe and 10 911 calls/ambulances at ALL hours, etc.--trying to diagnose precisely the various neuro and physical stuff) -- she's stabilized physically now, the meds are straightened out, no ambulances. Since I've left, there are 2 new caretakers, and housekeepers and gardeners. I was simply replaced by my 26 y/o single niece, who's making a nice living, and saving rent $$ to travel the world and buy her own home.. My 2 sibs never did and won't ever know what those 5 hellish years were like. Or, they were right that I'm simply a hysteric, high-strung weakling that couldn't handle the stress. Fine : )
Wow, she doesn't work and you do? Why are you worth less than she feels she is ( or her life is?) I would pitch it all back at her.. why doesn't she move,, she has no job! Dosent she care for her dad? What is wrong with her for not caring for him?
Well, pamzimmrrt, I was in a similar situation where I'd be completely factually correct to 'pitch it all back to her'. The fact is, the words wouldn't have touched her, and she'd have dredged up 56 years of resentment and ill-will toward me, which I painfully know by heart too well. My experience is/was: Anyone that's so out of touch and mean ain't going to listen to anybody else--and 'throwing' ANYTHING at them will result in emotional nuclear retaliation. And, I'll never fathom 'what is wrong with her for not caring about [our mom]?' I practice accepting it and not letting hatred into my heart, which I need like a hole in the head : ) Prayers for ALL of us!
I go with getting Dad in on this. Ask him what he wants. People hear Cancer and think its a death sentence. He may have times he needs you and times he doesn't. I think you need more info to make anykind of decision. Maybe u both need to go to NC and sit in on a meeting with Dads doctor. We had a friend with throat cancer and he was still able to leave his home and go places. Not saying he didn't have good days and bad. His wife worked.
Don't make any hasty decisions. Maybe you can take family leave time. Someone on the forum said it can be taken in increments. Or, take vacation time when he has his surgery.
I wouldn't alienate ur sister. I would wonder though, why she feels you need to quit ur job. Why can't she be there and you give her a break when u can.
Is your sister planning on going to help during this tough time? If so, that's her choice. If she's worried that it's going to be hard, she's probably right. If you can not do the same, just be honest (and calm and kind) about it.
Technically, your dad is not the responsibility of you OR your sister. It's very nice when the grown kids are willing and able to help, but it is NOT required. That may sound mean to many, but I think it's realistic.
I would straighten things out between you and your sister before you involve dad. He does not need to be involved in the convos where you two try to come to terms with what is and is not even possible.
I agree that you need more info on your dad's situation, though you just never really know how a person is going to handle treatment nor how quickly they might recover. Or not. Unfortunately, we have NO way to KNOW.
I do like the idea of the two of you maybe going to visit and attending a doc appt with him to get a good feel for what to expect.
In my situation my brothers always believed it was a ‘woman’s’ job to be mom’s caregiver.
When they weren’t satisfied with my caregiving, which all her doctors praised, I got fed up and said to my brother, “Then you do it!” Told mom the same, to let them take over. She kept complaining too. She didn’t cope with boundaries well.
Out of my hands now and into big brother’s hands.
Tell your sis to shut up or take over! She isn’t being rational or very supportive. Siblings can be a thorn in our sides, can’t they? Have a family discussion with your dad included.
Why isn't she caring for him? She has nothing to give up. Start guilting her. She's used to not being paid. You aren't. People at your job depend on you. Nobody depends on her. Make it clear that you cannot, WILL NOT leave your job and move, and that if she wants Dad taken care of by family, she's it.
Talk to Dad in What is Best for him with Cancer. If he is Okay right now and had Not Progressed athis Moment, He is okay as Long is Under aDoctor Care..Like my own at Home was. In the End, Mom got Bad, Went to th eHopsital and Passed away near Christmas One year ago...You wil know when it is Time to Really be the Most Help. Like I was, Living in NC...
I would definitely involve dad in this conversation. He may not need or even want you or your sisters help at this time. It sounds like the radiation and chemo are in preparation for surgery? If so, having been through this dance, he just needs to get back and forth from his daily appts and treatments. Side effects can be handled by the doctor treating him and homecare visits can be arranged if needed. Surgery time may be when you want to be there. After discussing with him, go to your HR department and apply for FMLA. This protects your job for 12 weeks/year and provides you peace of mind as far as work goes. Maybe this would be the time you and your sister could alternate care to get him through the first few weeks post op. Neither of you needs to give up your lives, there are many services available now. You just need to talk it out. I'm assuming Dad lives alone and that's why you and sibling are feeling the need to be so involved in the first place.... It's so difficult to keep the emotion out of these situations. All the baggage arrives with the news of illness! Try your best to set boundaries, work with all to get the best care from afar and in person only when needed. You are a loving and caring daughter who has your own life and needs. Best of luck to you. Take care of yourself...
The problem in moving nearer is insurance. Medicare goes everywhere but Medicare Advantages don't. Medigaps do. Supplimentals don't go over state lines. We had this problem with MIL. GA didn't except FLs insurance.
Wow! Ask sister why she doesn't move to NC to care for Dad. She will probably be pissed too. Both of you should consider what does your dad need: safety, health, and needs met. Ask him how he would like to accomplish those goals: move near you, move near sister, stay in place with paid and volunteer help. There is no one "right" solution.
What does your dad say? He is the one that should be consulted about any decisions that are to be made on his behalf. Does he need someone to care for him? Does he want someone at this point to help him? As difficult as it is no one can "make" you feel guilty but yourself. It is your reaction to comments. It is valid that you do not want to give up your job and move half way across the country to help out. It is just as valid that your sister does not want to do the same. The "job" and the reward of a parent is to raise independent people that will start their own lives. Is there a possibility that your dad would consider a move to Idaho or Colorado should the time come when he needs and wants help. You can both research treatments in your individual areas and present this as an option to your dad. Do either of you have a better living arrangement that would make this possible?
And another thought..Is your dad a Veteran? If so depending on where and when he served he may qualify for a lot of services through the VA. This is just another avenue to research.
Why does your sister think you should be the one to move? Does your father want or need either or both of you close by?Can you both contribute to hiring health care aides if your father needs them?
The answer is right there. She does not work! So she can only succeed in giving you a guilt trip if you feel guilty. Im sure you are saddened by your Dad's health but like you said. You are employed, have a life. Just find a way to be more in touch with Dad. Does he have a cell phone where you can face chat?
How you provide attention and help for your dad is between you and your dad. If you want to lend a hand, you can determine how and when you do that. In a perfect world, the two of you will meet with dad to determine a best plan of action for all concerned.
I finally found a little more information for all of us to get a better look at the situation. You told another member that your Dad has throat cancer and will be undergoing radiation for 6 weeks. You and your sister need more information about what the effects will be and what he will need. Maybe he needs somebody to go with him and he may need somebody to help around the house while he goes through this. Having said that, maybe you and your sister could meet there once and line up help for him during this period. I don't know how old your Dad is or if your sister has children or what, but getting some extra help lined up for him and speaking with his doctor would pretty much take care of this situation for the time being. I am assuming that he is pretty much independent right now?? Is he rational?? He will let you know when you go there, what his needs will be and what he's willing to accept. I searched for more info about this but couldn't find any on this post. Anyway, call your Dad and find out what he needs and then ask your sister if she can support you if you quit your job. You will get a smart response. Your question to her would be "what do you expect me to do about my job and livelihood?" What she responds will tell you everything you need to know. Unless she is a nut or just selfish, she will tell you. Some family members do not want to inconvenienced even if they don't have a job. I learned this when my parents were both in need of help and found myself alone in caring for them. I had nieces & nephews that my parents had given money to all through the years and fawned over and did not even go to visit them! Awful and I won't even go into that but if she's one of those, avoid contact with her. She will end up your worst nightmare as far as stress. Just line up some help for Dad, ask him directly what he needs, and then check in with him by phone. Does he have any friends that could just visit for a few minutes and let you know how he's doing? That's another avenue. Get a few folks with "eyes" that can give you the truth and explain first that you work and your sister doesn't and she's pounding you into the ground. You seem new to this but hope you find your way through the maze. Good luck to you.
I think it is that the luggage she is putting down, full of guilt and angst, YOU are picking up. Let it sit. You can tell her that you are sorry, but that you cannot afford to give up your work and leave to care for your Dad. You are not a Saint. What happens with Saints is that they try to fix everything, end full of arrows, and spend eternity trying to come up with answers to everyone else's prayers. I am sorry your Dad is so ill. I am certain that you are. Across our country now millions of people are dealing with cancer, and their families are dealing with it as well. If they were all to give up jobs, family, homes and lives and move across the country we would have quite the circular country-wide immigration. Don't argue with her. Don't fight with her. Tell her the honest truth, that it hurts you that you can't be there, that she must feel very alone now, facing this down on the spot, that you will visit when you can, will help in whatever ways you are able. She lives there. You do not. Were things the opposite would you expect her to leave job, life and family? Tell her you can feel as helpless and guilty as she wants you to feel, but you cannot change the human limitations in the situation. Caring about your Dad doesn't mean you can fix everything that is happening to him. I am so sorry for this grief.
What to do? Show you care. Make time and get involved with learning the scope of options and help support medical decision-making. Focus on who will oversee the care for your dad if he needs care and what is involved. There's a lot to do in care giving that can be done at a distance. Set up auto-pay of bills. Mail order food or supplies and stay in touch. Help with arrangements like transportation and hiring caregivers or housecleaning if needed. If you had cancer treatments, would you want to go it alone.
I still do not understand what the sister is doing? Agree that somethings can be done online. My sister had cancer, did not need any help with bill paying, etc.
I am facing something similar except my brother lives with mom but doesn't help much and she was recently diagnosed with cancer. She already has health issues that will be deepened by any treatment. I'm not willing to give up my career and move to her city although I want to help as much as possible. I hired a geriatric care manager who is helping put things in place for me and can be eyes on the ground to check on her. In preparing for surgery, I reached out to the American Cancer Society who had good suggestions. One being that they provide transportation (volunteer and/or a certain amount of ride share rides) to treatment appointments. Other assistance is provided too.
Instead of pointing fingers at each other and accomplishing nothing, find out what dad needs and take action from there. It appears that neither of you live in same state as dad. While your job holds you in Idaho, don't minimize responsibilities sib has in Colorado.
Most employed people get vacation time (and sometimes sick time that can be used toward parental care). So maybe you could give up a week or so of your vacation to go help dad. That may not be how you want to spend your vacation, but going through radiation and other treatments is not how dad wanted to spend his time either. Choosing to use vacation, or not, will determine your own desire to help. Maybe between the two sibs, you could work out a plan that would cover most of his radiation treatments. And while your at his town, work on in home assistance he may need when neither of you are there.
It would also be a good time to find out if dad would prefer to move closer to one of you. A conversation would be most helpful. You might find he has kindly friends who are willing to take him back and forth for radiation each day and are willing to help him out during this crisis. Even if that is true, both of you need a little perspective on what could happen in the future and this is the perfect time to talk to him.
There has to be more to this story. It just cannot be as simple as sibling doesn't work and doesn't want to help dad, but expects me to quit my job and go to another state.
"There has to be more to this story. It just cannot be as simple as sibling doesn't work and doesn't want to help dad, but expects me to quit my job and go to another state."
It might not be that simple, but sometimes it is. In some families, one sibling carries the load. Sometimes the married siblings think the unmarried one should do it al. You cannot make a sibling do anything, but you CAN refuse to feel quilty.
Dad is the key here - ask him what he needs, what resources he has, and how you can help. No matter your attitudes toward each other, you both want the best for him. And be honest with yourselves what you realistically can do and not do.
A lot of good ideas here. Now you need to have a plan.
1. Call Dad. Don't tell him what sister said just ask what help he may need. Ask if he will give permission for you to talk to the doctor. 2. I would put in for family leave. You may need it. I would not use vacation time or personnel if I didn't need to. You may need it. 3. Find what services are available for someone who needs rides to chemo treatments. His oncologist maybe able to help here. Office of Aging another. If Dad is a Church goer than maybe a fellow parishioner can help.
Dad is "only" 72. (I am 70) He is not to the point he can't do for himself. Sister may have over reacted. Are u the stronger of the two? Maybe why she feels u should drop everything.
As u see, some of our members are a little passionate when it comes to family. And rightly so. Some have had to deal with abuse and find they now are the caregiver of the person that abused them and continues. Or siblings do nothing but feel they are entitled to money and to make suggestions. I had none of that. My parents were good ones and deserved help from their children when they needed it. My brothers allowed me to make decisions since I was on the front lines.
So, if Dad has been a good Dad, he now may need help. Both you and sister need a plan but u can't do that until u talk to Dad.
Family leave a lot of times is unpaid. People may want to use vacation time instead if they have paid vacation time. But having been through cancer treatment myself, I know that no one with paid employment would have been able to get enough leave, paid or unpaid, to take me to all the surgeries and treatments I had to have. Good suggestion to check with social workers where the dad is getting treatment.
There are things you can do from a distance. And have you offered to give your sibling a break from caregiving? As in taking some of your vacation time to spend with your dad so your sis can have a mental break. You do have to realize that caregiving is stressful and mentally consuming. I’m the sibling ‘who doesn’t work’ at least for a paycheck and the caregiver to two elderly parents. Other siblings are mia mostly but do call my parents. If I want a break I have to ask one of them because otherwise they don’t see it. I refuse to stress over it but see from this support site that it is a common problem. Call your sibling once in a while or at least acknowledge the work it takes to be a caregiver!
I am noticing that nobody is addressing the fact that both of the siblings have travel and travel expenses. So, they need to go to NC at the same time and talk to the Dad. What is HE saying? What does he need or expect? Siblings could talk face to face and make this work but Dad needs to have some input into the conversation and they can devise a plan together as a family.
So you live in Idaho and sis in Colorado...who is with your dad? Plenty of excellent suggestions on here already so i wont repeat.....hope you can learn to not feel guilty for not giving up your means to earn a living....gotta take care of yourself too....
So your Dad is between 70 and 72 years of age? If he has no dementia and is otherwise healthy, he's the one you need to speak with......not the bossy sister. Find out what the plan is and if/when he will need you and your sister. You will be able to see through the fog at that point.
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You don't mention the type of cancer, so he may be just fine, my husband had cancer for 12 years before he died.
If sis lays on some more BS then "there's no point talking to you if you are just going to keep rehashing that same old crap, don't call me unless you are prepared to have a realistic conversation"... (hanging up phone)
Being 85 I resent my "children" making life decisions without consulting me. Nagging is OK, decisions on my life isn't.
Has your father asked for in-home care?
Is your father to the point where he requires daily oversight in person?
What is his prognosis?
What would be the cost for agency-provided care in NC for your Dad and would he be willing to pay/can he afford to pay for it? Would Medicare pay for some of it?
Maybe you can offer him help managing other things that you can do remotely, like managing his bill payments, home maintenance/repairs, etc.? I do this for 2 Aunties in FL, from MN.
I would let your sibling and father know that it is just not possible for you to stop working (especially if you have a spouse/kids) but that you are willing and able to help in other ways. Family can push lots of buttons but it's very important to not let your sibling's guilt tripping get to you. For your dad's sake the conversation needs to be calm, productive and realistic. Good luck!
Initially, I was recently unemployed, divorced and lost my home -- ALL after 30+ years of consistency, so it made perfect sense for me to move in with mom (emotional comfort, very nice home) - TEMPORARILY. In those 5 yrs., mom deteriorated rapidly physically and cognitively, and so it was a v. intense 5 years of solo caretaking (with zero room or time for me to process my own 'stuff'). It was suggested (and I agreed) bya few friends, therapist, and caretaker acquaintences that I should move far enough away that there'd be no question that I was out of the 'picture', and they were on their their own to 'figure it out'. Since for 50 years I'd lived in the same city, this was the hardest thing EVER for me : ( At 65, single for first time in 40 years, in a new state ... The only rare communication I've gotten (and only from one) is how wonderfully smoothly 'everything' is going, just like clockwork, [implied] 'no stress', 'mom's doing MUCH better' -- all intended to convey how poorly I'd handled everything, and see, they were right! Fact is, my 5 years turned out to be the worst (daily trips to doctors of every stripe and 10 911 calls/ambulances at ALL hours, etc.--trying to diagnose precisely the various neuro and physical stuff) -- she's stabilized physically now, the meds are straightened out, no ambulances. Since I've left, there are 2 new caretakers, and housekeepers and gardeners. I was simply replaced by my 26 y/o single niece, who's making a nice living, and saving rent $$ to travel the world and buy her own home.. My 2 sibs never did and won't ever know what those 5 hellish years were like. Or, they were right that I'm simply a hysteric, high-strung weakling that couldn't handle the stress. Fine : )
Don't make any hasty decisions. Maybe you can take family leave time. Someone on the forum said it can be taken in increments. Or, take vacation time when he has his surgery.
I wouldn't alienate ur sister. I would wonder though, why she feels you need to quit ur job. Why can't she be there and you give her a break when u can.
Technically, your dad is not the responsibility of you OR your sister. It's very nice when the grown kids are willing and able to help, but it is NOT required. That may sound mean to many, but I think it's realistic.
I would straighten things out between you and your sister before you involve dad. He does not need to be involved in the convos where you two try to come to terms with what is and is not even possible.
I agree that you need more info on your dad's situation, though you just never really know how a person is going to handle treatment nor how quickly they might recover. Or not. Unfortunately, we have NO way to KNOW.
I do like the idea of the two of you maybe going to visit and attending a doc appt with him to get a good feel for what to expect.
Good luck!
When they weren’t satisfied with my caregiving, which all her doctors praised, I got fed up and said to my brother, “Then you do it!” Told mom the same, to let them take over. She kept complaining too. She didn’t cope with boundaries well.
Out of my hands now and into big brother’s hands.
Tell your sis to shut up or take over! She isn’t being rational or very supportive. Siblings can be a thorn in our sides, can’t they? Have a family discussion with your dad included.
Sorry you have to deal with her crap. Hugs!
I'm assuming Dad lives alone and that's why you and sibling are feeling the need to be so involved in the first place....
It's so difficult to keep the emotion out of these situations. All the baggage arrives with the news of illness! Try your best to set boundaries, work with all to get the best care from afar and in person only when needed. You are a loving and caring daughter who has your own life and needs. Best of luck to you. Take care of yourself...
Personally, I’d ask dad if he’d like to move near me, near sis, or stay in NC and move into an AL while he undergoes treatment.
He is the one that should be consulted about any decisions that are to be made on his behalf.
Does he need someone to care for him?
Does he want someone at this point to help him?
As difficult as it is no one can "make" you feel guilty but yourself. It is your reaction to comments.
It is valid that you do not want to give up your job and move half way across the country to help out. It is just as valid that your sister does not want to do the same. The "job" and the reward of a parent is to raise independent people that will start their own lives.
Is there a possibility that your dad would consider a move to Idaho or Colorado should the time come when he needs and wants help. You can both research treatments in your individual areas and present this as an option to your dad.
Do either of you have a better living arrangement that would make this possible?
And another thought..Is your dad a Veteran? If so depending on where and when he served he may qualify for a lot of services through the VA. This is just another avenue to research.
Most employed people get vacation time (and sometimes sick time that can be used toward parental care). So maybe you could give up a week or so of your vacation to go help dad. That may not be how you want to spend your vacation, but going through radiation and other treatments is not how dad wanted to spend his time either. Choosing to use vacation, or not, will determine your own desire to help. Maybe between the two sibs, you could work out a plan that would cover most of his radiation treatments. And while your at his town, work on in home assistance he may need when neither of you are there.
It would also be a good time to find out if dad would prefer to move closer to one of you. A conversation would be most helpful. You might find he has kindly friends who are willing to take him back and forth for radiation each day and are willing to help him out during this crisis. Even if that is true, both of you need a little perspective on what could happen in the future and this is the perfect time to talk to him.
There has to be more to this story. It just cannot be as simple as sibling doesn't work and doesn't want to help dad, but expects me to quit my job and go to another state.
It might not be that simple, but sometimes it is. In some families, one sibling carries the load. Sometimes the married siblings think the unmarried one should do it al. You cannot make a sibling do anything, but you CAN refuse to feel quilty.
1. Call Dad. Don't tell him what sister said just ask what help he may need. Ask if he will give permission for you to talk to the doctor.
2. I would put in for family leave. You may need it. I would not use vacation time or personnel if I didn't need to. You may need it.
3. Find what services are available for someone who needs rides to chemo treatments. His oncologist maybe able to help here. Office of Aging another. If Dad is a Church goer than maybe a fellow parishioner can help.
Dad is "only" 72. (I am 70) He is not to the point he can't do for himself. Sister may have over reacted. Are u the stronger of the two? Maybe why she feels u should drop everything.
As u see, some of our members are a little passionate when it comes to family. And rightly so. Some have had to deal with abuse and find they now are the caregiver of the person that abused them and continues. Or siblings do nothing but feel they are entitled to money and to make suggestions. I had none of that. My parents were good ones and deserved help from their children when they needed it. My brothers allowed me to make decisions since I was on the front lines.
So, if Dad has been a good Dad, he now may need help. Both you and sister need a plan but u can't do that until u talk to Dad.
You do have to realize that caregiving is stressful and mentally consuming.
I’m the sibling ‘who doesn’t work’ at least for a paycheck and the caregiver to two elderly parents. Other siblings are mia mostly but do call my parents. If I want a break I have to ask one of them because otherwise they don’t see it. I refuse to stress over it but see from this support site that it is a common problem.
Call your sibling once in a while or at least acknowledge the work it takes to be a caregiver!