How much favoritism is in this group? Do you choose who you respond to and who you don't? If someone has a legitimate complaint, do you listen or ignore? Reason for these questions is that when I started in this, my questions were being answered. Now, hardly get any answers. Unless hardly anyone is logged into this. I have genuine concerns. Might be griping at times, but it's still legitimate.
Tired of my brother wanting to take charge of everything in relation to my mother. His also. I want to see what the money is being used for. I don't want to confront him and ask him. He might think and say that it's non of my business. But I am her daughter and I have been living with her longer than he did. He is realizing how much is involved with being a POA. But in reality, he isn't doing everything that a POA is supposed to do, IF he is POA over everything. And how would I tell his wife to stay out of our business? If it was her mother in this position, I don't think that she would want her husband interfering either. But she surely has been doing it with me. And he doesn't even know about it. Should I tell and show him or keep him in the dark?
I am certain that he HAS found it to be more than he thought; certainly I am finding that as POA and Trustee of Trust for my brother it is, in fact a great DEAL of trouble. Just to deal with each separate entity and governmental agency with my full set of papers-- whatever each of them wants out of my files is a pain.
Keeping meticulous records is a pain.
And I now dread mail time.
My brother has no other siblings. When I see your posting I must say, I say to myself "thank god for small favors".
If you have questions about the conferring of POA from your Mother to your Brother then your Mother is the one you should ask questions of. If she can no longer answer questions, then perhaps that is the ONLY mercy in her life at the moment.
None of this conferring of POA is judged by how long you lived with her, or how long he did. It is by her preference. It is by her request.
You do not have a right to see how the money is being used by your brother for your mother and in your mother's behalf. Nor would he had you been the one chosen as her POA.
If you have good reason to believe that there is fraud going on then you will need to see an attorney. That will cost you a good deal of money, almost certainly for nothing. But it may ease your mind. It will almost certainly bring further ruination to what is already likely to be a torturous family relationship.
Judy, I am sorry. I have said many times on this forum that it is extremely painful for me to even think of an elder being torn apart down the middle between two warring children. It seems to me your brother doesn't want a war, though sounds his wife is being the Lioness at the Gate, and quite ready for you. I pray your mother will NOT have to see that. I am glad your brother has a wife who supports him. He needs that.
I must say, if you have asked other questions here I am not aware. I answer almost everyone I see--to a fault I would say. Likely others would say it, too. But I attempt of late to not be unpleasant. So there are some I avoid. But, like the brother, like the Mom, we have, it seems, on the forum failed to measure up. Hopefully this will make up for it.
Sorry, but you have ticked me off. You honestly and truly have.
The POA you speak of is between your mother and your brother. She appointed him and as those of us who have a POA have done, he is most likely doing the best he can. Husband’s and wives tend to talk things out between themselves and this is most likely what he and his wife are doing. When I was POA for my mom, I always bounced ideas off my husband. Telling tales on your sister-in-law to your brother could backfire on you.
Your brother should be keeping all receipts for any expenses to prove Mom’s money is being spent on her. He could be asked to show those receipts. But, that is between him, any attorneys that might be involved and any courts. He does not have to share those financial records to anyone else.
Keep your own council until and if you have solid proof that he is mishandling any of your mother’s finances. You sound as if you aren’t even sure what form of POA he has. Do not try to stir things up between him and his wife. What would that prove or solve? If and when you have proof he is mishandling your mother’s finances, enlist the help of an attorney and go to him/her with that proof.
I appreciate what you have said,as the others. I guess you can call me a "crybaby". But again, you don't know how his wife and daughters have tormented her and me in the past. It will come back and bite them.
Again, thanks for your words of wisdom to me. I needed to hear those things.
You said that your brother is now finding out "how much is involved" (I BET he is; I sure did).
You asked if we play "favoritism" on the forum. You asked if we choose "who to respond to and who not to".
Now you say your husband will tell HIS wife to mind her business.
And you indicate that we can, you guess, call you a "crybaby". (I think that no one here would call you that, but who knows.)
You say that your Mother has only a very mild dementia. If that is so, and if your mother can let a lawyer know that she is unhappy with all the work her son has done for her, and now would like all the work to be done by YOU, then she certainly can, as a person of free will and reasonable agency make that decision. It is not necessary that she be sharp as anything, only sharp enough to express her dissatisfaction with the job her son is doing, and her wish that she fully understands and believes that handing that job to you is what she wants. And then the job will be all yours.
Quite honestly, were I your brother or sister-in-law, I would be thrilled to see the last of that work, and to hand it all right on over to you.
I think it is all very sad, to tell the truth, for your mother to have to see this at the end of her life. As I said, I think it is a terrible thing for any parent to have to go through the squabbling of adult children and their spouses at the end of their lives. Just as I said, very sad.
The place to ask questions is on your own threads, and you have had replies to them.
If you ask a question by replying to someone else in a different thread it is more likely your questions will be missed.
I do not look at the Discussion threads as often.
Now to this thread.
I have not considered asking my brother for an accounting of his POA activities for our Dad. I fully expect that he discusses Dad's situation with my sister in law, she is his wife, Dad lives in their home, and she is a medical professional. I woudl be appalled if my brother made decisions without consulting her.
I do not know what sort of interfering your sister in law has been doing, but please keep in mind, Mum's care is of primary importance.
Is Mum in a safe place? Are her care needs being met? Is she getting medical attention as needed?
What result do you expect from getting into it with your sister in law?
And you are right about mom's care. She is in a safe place and her needs are met to the best of their ability. She really doesn't get medical attention except for when her doctor comes to visit her as a home visit.
In relation to my sil, if she opens her mouth again, where it doesn't belong, she is going to see a side of me and my husband that she doesn't want to see.
Family fun. My family has a long history. VERY long!
You say that your mother wanted you to take the POA, and you thought your 'smart' brother would be better. Now you wish that you had taken it on yourself. You say that your mother has “mild unspecified dementia”. If she is still fairly capable of making decisions, and would still prefer you to take over the POA, she can execute a new power appointing you, and cancelling the current one to your brother. Would that be a good idea? Could you discuss it with your brother, who you say is finding it to be more work than he expected? Are you still spending more time with your mother than he is? I can understand that it must be very frustrating to know that your brother is sharing all the information with his wife and not you as the daughter. See if you can find a way to change things, without all the personal relationships going down the drain! Good luck, Margaret
I don't know what he is sharing with his wife. She has just been on the defense since I "hurt" her husband.
Things will work out eventually in God's timing. Guess just have to be patient. It's hard though.
In your last post (the one where you are surprised that you have "ticked off" one of the posters here, you write in a very confusing manner, mentioning "she" several times. It's really hard to figure out if your husband is going to yell at your SIL or your mom for being out of line.
I responded to a previous post of yours about something that your sister in law said to you that you seemed to take umbrage at. To my way of looking at it, she was expressing an opinion, not putting you down. Of course I wasn't there, but from reading and responding your posts, you seem to frequently cast yourself in the role of the victim.
Do you want Power of Attorney? Tell your brother that you would be happy to take on the job and both of you go to mom and have her change it.
What is your SIL butting in about? As I've previously written, my SIL handled almost all of my mom's finances (my brother was POA) because she was much more expert in that area and she was able to handle mom's money in a much more dispassionate way than were the rest of us. (To her, it was just money; my brother's and I were brought up in such a way that money had a lot of hidden and unspoken emotion attached--not in a good way).
Do you think mom's money is being spent frivolously? I never questioned how my mom's money was being spent, because it was HER money and she trusted my brother to spend it. We were brought up without expectation of an inheritance, so I wasn't counting her pennies. We made sure that the nursing home she was in would accept Medicaid after two years of private pay, so that we wouldn't have to move her, but what is brother spending money on that you object to? Are you being reimbursed for anything you lay out for her? Is brother being similarly reimbursed?
What is it that your SIL is communicating to you that you'd like to "show" your brother?
I probably need to get a life... But this forum saved mine, and I love the people here, and the ones I think don't love me quite so much I try not to rub up the wrong way, and on the VERY rare occasions when I've really felt myself get annoyed I just close that thread and leave it alone.
I think it's worth bearing in mind that most forum members are under stress one way or another; plus that we each have our particular corns and sore patches and bugbears; and that we can't see facial expressions or hear tones of voice so sometimes misunderstandings are bound to happen.
But I'm CERTAIN SURE that you are not being intentionally avoided! :) Hugs to you.
As for your question, if you feel that your brother is not doing what he needs to do, then I would talk to him. Your mother offered you to be the POA and you state that he is smarter than you, if he is, maybe he is doing the right things for your mother, and you are not aware of them.
There seems to be some dysfunction going on between you and your brother, why not address it before it gets out of hand.
My brother has my step-fathers POA, I ask him anything and everything, we discuss issues and how to handle them, we are a team, working together to take proper care of him and his wife. There is no dissention, to me, that is counter productive and accomplishes nothing.
In one, you ask why you don't have a copy of your mother's will and that you are tired of asking your SIL.
You have no right to your mother's will until she is dead and it is filed. I never saw my mom's will until it was entered into probate, nor should I.
Your brother, as POA, has a duty to keep your mother's finances private. Perhaps you didn't understand that.
As far as your brother having POA and you wanting to see where your mom's money is going I can understand that, but your brother has no responsibility to you. I am my mother's POA and my only responsibility is to her and not to my brother. It is no picnic doing her finances and then doing my own. I offen use my sig other to bounce ideas off when dealing with my mother's finances. I think most couples do talk to eachother on how and what is the best way to deal with problems, especially financial ones.
As far as your mom's will you have no right to see it unless she wants you to.
If mom feels that she would like it change to you and she is of sound mind then have her change it. If you feel that your brother is mis-managing her funds then see a lawyer.
Sending hugs your way for the frustration of what you are dealing with though, we all can identify with that part! Hopefully you can get some resolution that helps you to have some knowledge of what is going on, and doesn't blow up your family relationships at the same time. It's such a tightrope walk!!
1.Tired of my brother wanting to take charge of everything in relation to my mother.
A; What is he taking charge of that you don't think he should be doing?
2. I want to see what the money is being used for.
A:POA has a duty to keep finances confidential.
3. I don't want to confront him and ask him. He might think and say that it's non of my business.
A:He would be right. It's not.
4. But I am her daughter and I have been living with her longer than he did.
A: What difference does that make? It's a red herring.
5.He is realizing how much is involved with being a POA. But in reality, he isn't doing everything that a POA is supposed to do, IF he is POA over everything.
A:In your first sentence you say he is doing too much. What is he NOT doing?
6.And how would I tell his wife to stay out of our business?
A: What specifically is SIL butting into?
7.If it was her mother in this position, I don't think that she would want her husband interfering either.
A:She might think of it as "support" and not interference.
8. But she surely has been doing it with me. And he doesn't even know about it. Should I tell and show him or keep him in the dark?
A:What do you think that your brother doesn't know?
2- I am trusting him now. He knows how to budget. etc.
3- That is where we disagree. But now from what I can tell, he will let me know if I can't spend it.
4-He didn't know that she wore hearing aids. That was why she couldn't hear the phone ringing when he came into her apartment last year. He ended up yelling at her saying that the phone was ringing. Found out about a week ago that her hearing aids were very dirty and the right one wasn't working at all. He doesn't know all of her personal issues like I do. Guess he does now.
5-If he is POA, shouldn't he take care of making sure that her meds are given also? But I started helping her when she was in her apartment last year. That is all taken care of also.
6-Wrong words. She treats her like she is a child. Just because she has dementia doesn't mean she is a "child". Her hearing aids weren't working right.
7-You are right. But she didn't have to attack me either. I kept all the proof of the attacks. Only if needed, I'll use it for whatever.
8-He doesn't know about her attacks to me. They are all in writing. Her last 2 texts, she told me that I have a mental problem and that I can't see her grandchildren ever again. They aren't her children and it's up to their parents if they can see me or not.
a: I think the question is, has a doctor (you are HCPOA, yes? told you that she is not competent to make her own medical and/or financial decisions? It's not about "what I can tell".
2. She is 88. She lived in a house for 20 years. She didn't like the responsibility of the house, she told me this. But forgot she did.
A: Was that before or after she was dx'ed with dementia? Folks with dementia generally have poor short term memory. Some Dementia patients remember what happened long ago, not what happened yesterday or 5 minutes ago.
3. She didn't expect the house to sell in 1 day. Guess she sold her house in the wrong time of year. :)
A: Again, had she been dx'ed with dementia at the time she sold her house? Was anyone helping her with the sale? Selling in one day is generally an indication that the house was woefully underpriced, not that she sold at the wrong time of year.
Did she have a financial POA at the time?
2-It was before she was diagnosed with dementia. She had an appointment with the neuro doc last Wed. I asked her before I left last Saturday what the 3 words were that he told her to remember. She remembered the 1st word but I had to give her hints for the last 2 words.
3-Brother knew someone that sold homes. She sold it for $160,000. Good price for her size home and area.
She did her own finances at the time that lived in the house for those 20 years. By herself. She paid her bills,etc. And some she did on the computer also. She was a check writer. After she moved into the apartment, that was when she started to go downhill. She had no socialization. I accept the fact that she has dementia. She seems to be doing better since she is with more people. I don't like that she is with other people who have dementia worse than she does. But she can be a big help while she is there to others. She also colors her hair and it makes me hard to see her as 88. She would be totally gray by now if she just let it go gray. She gets that from a good friend of hers. She would look great being gray. :)
So you said something to your brother that hurt him? Something about his handling of the POA? Was that the beginning of the feud?
I have become more vocal since being married. He wasn't used to that. I had the history of being very meek and mild and not saying much to defend myself. I have turned over a new leaf. Something that he wasn't used to. Oh well. Change happens...
a: I think the question is, has a doctor (you are HCPOA, yes? told you that she is not competent to make her own medical and/or financial decisions? It's not about "what I can tell".
J's answer: -I'll ask her doctor.
2. She is 88. She lived in a house for 20 years. She didn't like the responsibility of the house, she told me this. But forgot she did.
A: Was that before or after she was dx'ed with dementia? Folks with dementia generally have poor short term memory. Some Dementia patients remember what happened long ago, not what happened yesterday or 5 minutes ago.
J's answer: -It was before she was diagnosed with dementia. She had an appointment with the neuro doc last Wed. I asked her before I left last Saturday what the 3 words were that he told her to remember. She remembered the 1st word but I had to give her hints for the last 2 words.
B: Did anyone go WITH her to the neuro appointment? You, as HPOA, allowed her to go to a significant doc appointment unaccompanied?
3. She didn't expect the house to sell in 1 day. Guess she sold her house in the wrong time of year. :)
A: Again, had she been dx'ed with dementia at the time she sold her house? Was anyone helping her with the sale? Selling in one day is generally an indication that the house was woefully underpriced, not that she sold at the wrong time of year.
Did she have a financial POA at the time?
J's answer: Brother knew someone that sold homes. She sold it for $160,000. Good price for her size home and area.
She did her own finances at the time that lived in the house for those 20 years. By herself. She paid her bills,etc. And some she did on the computer also. She was a check writer. After she moved into the apartment, that was when she started to go downhill. She had no socialization. I accept the fact that she has dementia. She seems to be doing better since she is with more people. I don't like that she is with other people who have dementia worse than she does. But she can be a big help while she is there to others. She also colors her hair and it makes me hard to see her as 88. She would be totally gray by now if she just let it go gray. She gets that from a good friend of hers. She would look great being gray. :)
B's answer:
You and brother allowed your mother with dementia to sell her home without guidance.
I have to say that I'm getting a picture here of two siblings who have not a CLUE about how to care for an elderly parent with dementia.
Hoping that other folks will take over in guiding Judy and her brother.
Be aware too, that some of us live in the UK and have an 8 hr difference or more.
If his wife starts interfering again, my husband will tell her to butt out. It's his mother not hers.
Now you've got a few issues here so I'll try and answer.
In your second paragraph you mentioned that your brother takes charge of everything and I'm assuming? that makes you feel left out. Now that has to be very frustrating and upsetting! It sounds like he "takes charge" and you do all the work (or a great deal of it) and don't feel appreciated? . Your mother made him POA (is he good with money would that be the reason or is there more to the family dynamic?) and you feel left out and hurt and you feel your brother is not acting properly in his role. You feeling left out here on AgingCare website is exaccerbating your feelings of being left out in your own family. Tell me if I'm wrong?
Now, POA has different types, there is financial (decisions about money and overseeing paying bills) and lifestyle (decisions about where a person lives and care arrangements ) and medical (decisions about medical care) . Are you sure he is POA over "everything"? Some people only appoint POA for certain tasks, like financial. It would be very helpful to know and I think you have a right to know what decisions he is legally able to make. If it is financial only, that that is his extent of his decision making power.
If you think your brother is not acting properly in relation to his POA duties, you could also make an application to the Guardianship authority in your state and apply for a hearing.
With regards to you sister in law I don't know what she's doing but it sounds like she is annoying you and you feel extremely provoked. There is also "family history" I have read in the subequent posts.
All in all it sounds like you are very upset and stressed and probably need a long break!. You feel overlooked and you are upset that your brother is taking charge of everything and you are feeling provoked by the sister in law.
My suggestion is: Tell your brother that his wife is contacting you independently, and you'd rather all talk together when everyone is present so that there are no misunderstandings. Tell your sister in law, that you will only discuss things when your brother is present. In other words, avoid triangulation. At that meeting you could ask for clarification about what decisions he is legally allowed to make under POA if you don't know already. Try and find an independent 3rd party to sit in meetings if that sounds like it will help.
He is staying as POA. I have to contact her atty and see if he is still her medical POA. If I still is, then some things might change. I did sign a healthcare representative. My mom put my name. This was done last Dec and I had it notarized in January. I feel that she had the beginning stages of dementia but it wasn't confirmed until June of this year.
Not being provoked by her anymore. Not even communicating with her anymore. She needs to apologize to me about her attacking me but that will never happen. I accept that. Life goes on.
They don't know how much of a responsibility it is to take care of a person with dementia. The way that his daughter looks at it is to put her in a home. One place that she mentioned. I told her something that it is expensive. Shoot, her sister can fork over some of her hard earned bucks and help out her grandma. But that will never happen.
Do you really think that I should tell him? I have the proof that he did. But wouldn't that be hashing up old things? If she does it again, then I will say something to him.
Did I answer everything? :)
Try not to worry so much about others, what they think, what they want, what they might do, but about yourself and your dear husband, so you can stay strong going forward. It is very very difficult to be POA whether for financial or for health care. If you do have POA for health care you will ultimately be the one choosing Mom's placement, and will have to work very closely with her financial POA to make decisions. For myself it is easier to have BOTH jobs or NEITHER. My own preference would be neither.
It does sound as though Mom's son and his wife are doing what they can for her. If she does have assets I think it would be wonderful if they could now be used in the best way the POA things for her health care and safety moving forward. It will be very hard for all involved in her care, and the support of everyone for one another is crucial in making this the best it can be.
I hope you and your brother and his family and your family will lovingly come together now for the sake of your Mom. Let past hurts go and work together with loving kindness as much as you are able.
Later, when Mom is no longer cognizant or no longer with you you can move on with your lives without family involved if that is your wish.
Rest up. Hope things will go as well as they can for all involved. It is a learning journey and a hard journey and not all days will be good, not everything can be fixed; we all limp along well as we are able. Good luck.