Feel like I'm parenting my parent. Any advice?

You have to wake up and face some facts. Once parents lose their ability to be "good" parents due to physical or mental reasons and start acting out, being difficult, nasty, abusive, etc., then the children become the parents. It does not matter what the parents think or feel - as long as their behavior is what it is and it will get worse, they are NO LONGER A PARENT and they lose all right to have that capacity or ability. You must be very, very firm and tell them in such a way that because of their whatever, YOU are in charge, no longer them. If they live with you, they will live by your rules, not theirs. If you can be kind and loving in the relationship and can handle being a caretaker, fine but if you can't handle it and the effect on you and your family is to much, then you have no choice but to place them. You cannot allow their behavior to destroy you - and I assure you it will given enough time. I do not think anyone deserves that. So, remember, YOU ARE NOW THE PARENT AND YOU MAKE THAT CLEAR TO THEM SO THEY UNDERSTAND.

You need to Remind Bad dad which and Whose ROOF he is NOW living Under...Don't take his Thunder.xx

It's it's very admirable that you took your father in and I don't know if he has any savings or how much Social Security he gets or anyting else but what you should do is start charging him rent and just put that in a separate account because if it gets to the point where he has to go in to a nursing home Social Security lets you keep like $44 of your check and there's no money for getting your haircut, buying clothes, buying my glasses anything else that you may need and depending on what his check is he may be able to get some help from Medicaid etc. Definitely try for the durable power of attorney first but be aware that Social Security does not accept them if you have to go the representative payee route. Tell your father that if something happens to him and you have to pay some of his bills with his money you need a special power of attorney document and it cost a lot of money to get it at a later date than it does now. Lie if you have to but definitely get that because it makes life so much easier. You said he had some cognitive decline so at this point when he's having a good day you should see about getting Advanced Care directive and see with his wishes are and what he wants. When my mother passed away my sister and I went to Florida and I took care of all this because I guess my father felt at that time that he needed somebody to take care of it but after that he started declining mentally and having mini-strokes and has advanced Alzheimers now but if I hadn't gotten those documents things would be so much worse than they are. We had talked to my father at that time and he said he wanted to stay at home and have caregivers come in and didn't want to go in a nursing home and that's what we've done except my sister had to retire and she's the full-time caregiver with some help but not much help. I have a progressive neurological disease so all I can do all the paperwork stuff I can't physically take care of him but we're trying to do what he wished and all I could say is get all the paperwork you can in order because it will make your life easier in the end. And charge him rent because if something comes up later on down the line and he has to go in a nursing home they usually do a 3-year audit of what happened to his money to make sure he didn't change it or transfer it somewhere because they did that with my girlfriend's mother but if he's throwing it away and overspending he might as well be giving you something that's reasonable and then you put it aside and don't tell anybody about it and just say it's rent

You are Parenting your parent. It’s a process. Its wonderful that you are so conscientious about his feelings, but there will come a time when you can be kind, but you may not be able to defer to his wishes. They become more and more like preschoolers and toddlers in their attention, ability to understand, and decision making ability. It is sad. it is difficult to come to grips with the father you looked to for guidance can no longer make sound decision. 😔 You have received wise advice regarding getting your legal documents in order while he is still in sound enough mind to sign them. Stress to him that this is for the future when he is unable to make decisions. If you don’t get them signed NOW awhile he still has lucid moments, you will have to get guardianship which is a more difficult process.
I would strongly encourage you to write down his savings/assets, income and expenses, on a piece of poster board and have it laminated, so he can refer to it. That was the only thing that kept my FIL from his blowing through his money. He was living $1000 or more beyond his means doing things like eating out daily even though his AL provided meals. We had to put it on paper-show him his income, his bills, and what he had left in savings. He was shocked. He had lost the ability to deny gratification and to understand the bigger picture. We gave the managing the finances job to my BIL who lives in another state, as he can easily pay bills electronically and he has POA also. That also helped us to get them to sign the rest of the paperwork “B needs you to sign this to protect him so he can help you.”

You essentially do become the parent because you have to due to safety factors.

Laney81;

It's difficult and a fine line to tread when dealing with these issues. We DO need to become like a parent to our parent(s), but there may be ways to make it seem less like you calling all the shots! I do like some suggestions made in several responses.

While finding ways to allow him to "make" decisions and contribute so he feels somewhat in charge and/or productive, there're going to be times when what he wants to do is the wrong thing to do (blowing through the SS in a few days, or something he cannot safely manage physically.) Our perceptions of self might not reflect who we are/what we can do! Many of us are no longer that young and able ourselves! I know my mother's self-image is warped. However, if you can find other ways to turn him down without saying the word No, it might help. Defer whatever it is (okay dad, but can we do that later when I can help out or learn from you?) Sometimes just deferring it can work if they forget about whatever it was in the meantime! When mom asked me to drop her off at her mother's on my way home, I looked at my watch, said Gee it's a little late in the day and not exactly on my way home, maybe tomorrow? She bought that (lucky for me!) and didn't bring it up until much later (mom is almost 96, her mother gone ~40 yrs!) Give an alternate choice if possible. Suggest he take time to think about whatever it is he wants to buy/do before committing (do you really NEED to buy/do that right now, or might you need that money later for something you *really* want or need and/or can we do whatever in a while?) It is, unfortunately, like dealing with a child - children also tend to be impulsive, not think in the moment and have little concern about if/when the money is gone (we all have a money tree growing in the yard, right?!?!?!)

Some said seek to become rep payee for SS. One brother and I had DPOA and I used that to manage her main account. I had to move the SS deposit from another account to close it and make it easier to manage everything in one account - we were also listed on that main account, so that worked for a while. After moving her to MC, it was 1.5 hr each way to pick up her mail (regular mail can be forwarded - not gov't mail) and I wasn't allowed, despite DPOA, to "manage" anything with the Feds. When prepping to sell the place, I had to become rep payee for SS and a Federal pension so paperwork could be sent to me and I could make needed changes. SS was easy to do and approved fairly quickly. Call the local office, not the main SS#. You apply in person and move from there (he will get notice by mail, which gives him the opportunity to nix the plan, but you can snag that before he sees it.) When approved, you'll have to open a special account that only you can access, keep track of how his money is spent and report it (can be done online) yearly, but it is worth it!

I would save as much SS money as you can so that if hired help is needed later there will be funds to cover it! Use his money for his needs and allow him a small separate account to use as he pleases (if debit card, insist on no overdraft protection at the bank!!!) Hopefully you can explain to him some needs to be saved for a time he might need extra funds, medical, etc, but that he has X amount that he can spend as he chooses - just be sure he understands when it is gone for the month, he'll have to wait until next month!  
Learn to ignore the pouting and if he becomes verbally/physically combative, walk away. Do not engage in the "discussion." You really can't argue with cognitive declines (or stubbornness), so it is best to just put your shields up and put space between you both. Don't allow him to guilt you!! I'm sure he didn't put up with it from you when you were a child!!

You are not alone, many of us can certainly relate to what you are going through. It’s a tough situation for all involved we want to allow our parents to be as independent as possible, but there comes a time we have to step in and take more control over there lives.
It causes resentment on our parents part, and that’s hard but stay strong and continue doing what your doing.
When I’m down or frustrated I come to this site and it reminds me I’m not alone and have a safe zone to express myself. Good Luck in your journey

I went thru this same exact thing. The guilt tried to take over me, and almost won.

All you can do is make him feel included in decision making, keep him on routines, allow him to assist in hands-on chores, and make sure his favorite clothes stay clean (he's going to want to wear the same things over and over).. Keep doing what you're doing, it all works out with patience and time. Let him win some battles :-)

Take care

Answering this off the top of my head after years of watching my parent lose his abilities to do anything for/by himself. You work and work all your life to achieve independence. Then you decline and lose that independence. That is so hard. But to keep your spirits up, you have to focus on what you still CAN do. You have to find a way to incorporate fun into your life. In the case of a declining parent, can you find a way to help him incorporate fun into his life to balance all the "no"s? Fun means different things to people, so can you develop a plan with your father to allow him to remain as active and engaged as possible with other people as well as you? Something that will minimize the other losses. Oh, remember that humor goes a long way toward resolving a difficult situation. Patience helps, too.

It seems to be the laws of nature. We get teeth and we lose them (or some of us will-do), we have to learn to control our bladder (tiolet training) and then we get incontinence (or some of us will-do). As one loses their cognitive abilities, it requires the primary care provider/family member to make decisions that the parent used to be able to make. It is a painful, frustrating and frightening place for an elder to be in, esp when they are used to being independent. In some ways, you are 'acting like his mother,' from his point of view. Agree with him. "Yes, I know it feels that way to do. How can we work together on these things?"
I know how hurt I felt when helping my elder friend and he said to me "you talk to me like a care giver (or social worker)." The key is understanding how the situation feels from THEIR POINT OF VIEW. And learning, one day to the next, how to handle these responses to protect yourself emotionally/psychologically. It is not easy. It is a reversal in roles. Get the support you need; get in a local caregivers group or create one (through Church or Next Door, or post signs). I am sure there are many people in your area who feel like you and in the same shoes.

Best advice I have is, "put yourself in his shoes."

When you were a child and being told what to do, when to do it and even how to do it - how did it make you feel? I used this logic with my father and instead of taking over, I talked over his options with him and allowed him to choose his own path. I only asked him to allow me to help him if things didn't work out the way he thought.

It worked great for the 7.5 years I assisted him.

Challenging situation - Reach out locally and see if you can find a Caregiver Support group to join.  Your local Area Agency on Aging should have a group or information that can help you.

ANd here is my 2 cents...Be VERY cautious in investigating but find yourself a certified elder law attorney, one who charges per the task and not for every question answered. They will be worth the price of a consult to explain what is needed and how to do it for your particular state. While you might be able to learn and go through the motions on your own, it will be so much easier to not have to exhaust yourself further dealing with all this. If you can't afford it, try Legal Aid, or call the local Alzheimer's Assn for support and suggestions.

I understand what you're going through, very challenging. I agree with the previous posts of getting power of attorney and health issues. My mother would fight and hit me. (The hitting I was able to put to a stop to almost immediately).
Bring your dad to a neurologist for testing, also a cardiovascular doctor to make sure there are no circulatory issues that may cause cognitive decline.
If there are any other family members to assist, ask them to . If either of your parents are veterans, apply for VA aid and assistance.
Good luck.

you are to be congratulated for taking care of your father. Give him an allowance to spend as he pleases and do not pass judgement how he spends it. Tell him you need the balance to take care of him. Do not expect him to agree . just do it. Part of his care is treating him as a caring mother would. I'm 75 yrs old and live alone but I have no idea how long that will last. I hope to go to assisted living rather than live with children. That's what they will do there and that $30 doesn't go very far, that is all they allow you person ally. Be sure to show him much love but hold onto the money. I'll pray for you and remind you to pray frequentally for guidance. God bless you.
Hisservant

You are parenting your parent. Accept it.

If you father is incompetent you ARE the parent now. When I hit that realization it became so much easier to pay bills, arrange for care and look after my dad. Thankfully, Dad did not argue much, and when he did, I told him I'd leave if all he wanted to do was argue - and I did! At the time he was in assisted living so I was not abandoning him, just removing myself from his argumentive presence. It worked. I was lucky in that he came to understand I was doing what needed to be done. I simply did not ask him for his opinon. It was a sibling who didn't do anything for Dad without being paid who caused the problem, criticizing everything I did and eventually taking everything that was not nailed down. Don't ask your dad, e.g., "Are you ready to go the the doctor's appointment?", or "Do you want to go to the dentist today?", instead say "It's time to go the doctor's appointment" or "We are going to get our teeth cleaned today". Make statements matter of factly and normally, but don't ask questions concerning things that must be done. If there really is a choice to be made, offer only two possibilities, as in ordering food. It's much easier for a person with diminished capabilities to chose between two offerings instead of the whole menu. I hope these small suggestions help you. It's difficult to parent a parent.

Laney81, kudos to you for helping your father, recognizing that he's had to make difficult adjustments, and for never treating him like a child. It sounds like he has a lot of problems, including a UTI that can make existing problems worse and can cause even more physical and mental problems. I hope he's getting medication for that. Even so, some problems will not go away and this is a good forum to rant about them and seek advice, as you have done.

      Your father may be resistant to signing the previously suggested DPOAs, but you might want to consider making your getting those as part of your informal contract with him. That said, it may be premature for you to completely take away his independence, even if you get a DPOA that might be interpreted to allow such. Everyone should be allowed as much independence and self-direction as they can reasonably maintain for themselves. While it's often easier and less time-consuming for adult children to usurp their ailing parent's free-will before it's really necessary, doing so could worsen a parent's physical and mental well-being and it sounds like you already recognize this.

      Assuming you don't already have a formal, written contract with your father for you to provide his board, room and assistance, I suggest that you do that. (Even though I had a rental contract with my dad, I didn't actually collect rent, but would have if his resources were being recklessly squandered. I didn't have a personal care contract with him, but probably should have -- live and learn.) Anyway, in the long run, putting ground rules in place sooner rather than later will help you help him.

      Watching the decline of our parents is hard and it's even harder to figure out how to best assist them and then make more changes as they continue to decline. But, there are lots of good resources to help become better educated and contacting your state's office on aging could be a good start. Best wishes in your endeavors to help your father.

Oh my. This may sound terrible. But what I've learned? And it may sound SO bad. But take control NOW. We let it go on for WAY toooo long. And the longer it goes on, the worse it gets. I completely get the independent and stubborn deal. My Mom is the queen of that! LOL. But what matters now, is his care. Whatever that may mean for you.

Perfect title. We do end up parenting our parents. Best of luck to you. Hugs!

You are in a tough spot. Can you work out a reasonable budget including what he needs to contribute to your household expenses!

Do you know what he is spending the money on? Does he keep receipts? Can you show him what he is spending it on? Let him see it. Is he asking you for money? Is he in debt or a bind financially? Work on a plan to help him budget or delegate this to a financial advisor for him.

I'd make sure you have a properly executed Durable POA and Healthcare POA so you can act on his behalf. You might also explore if you need to qualify as his Social Security Representative Payee. There's info about it on the SS website.

It's nice that you are trying so hard to keep him involved and not hurt his feelings. That's admirable and may work okay, but, to me, expecting a person with dementia to be capable of processing all of that isn't reasonable. Most develop confusion and are not really able to be involved with the details of their finances. Often allowing the person with dementia to stay in charge, doesn't work and more pronounced intervention must be taken.

Sometimes, it's just not possible to explain and have the LO process, understand and cooperate with you. I'd just have a plan in place. Resistance to help can be a phase that he will move out of. And, keep in mind that as a DPOA, you are supposed to ensure that his funds are spent appropriately and if he's squandering his check, he needs more care. Sometimes, it's a rocky road protecting a parent who has dementia. I'd feel guilty, if I did nothing and let him squander his money.