For most of my life my parents have insisted that they would figure out their retirement situation for when they need elder care. Whether it be putting a down payment on a special care facility, or assisted living or a senior community - I was told "we don't want you to stress out about this."
Fast forward to the last few years, I am getting pressure from my mother frequently (and especially the last year, on a near daily basis) to come live with me. Especially once my father passes. They are in their very late 70s (I am 38) and I'm not sure what to do in this situation. I've discovered that no, they have not put down any down payments. And I feel very lied to.
The relationship I have with my mother is incredibly strained, and I know already that I do not have the patience nor disposition to take care of her especially as dementia runs in our family and I have been seeing it worsen in her monthly. She has family out of state and lost brothers and sisters to Alzheimer's. Her nephews (sons of her siblings) have all quit their jobs to take care of their parents, and I think she sees this as something I will be doing too. I, however, did not have a positive nor nurturing relationship with my mother in the same way as my cousins, and was encouraged from a young age to throw myself into work.
I work full time at home for a very stressful and demanding profession. My husband and I are very lucky to own a home that has a guest room in it (though it is upstairs, which means we'd have to rearrange the whole house for them to stay on the bottom floor as my office is downstairs). I am not worried about lack of space, but lack of sanity and my inability to be able to work and care for someone 24/7 whom I already have an incredibly difficult relationship with.
I don't know how to have this conversation with her over and over again. My father has his full faculties, and I'm not sure if he's teasing her about building a granny flat in our back yard or teasing ME about doing so. I try and encourage them to get care at a facility near my home, which they say they've visited, but that's about all.
Personally I feel that my mother would be happiest in a care facility near where all her nieces and nephews and siblings and cousins live, in a different state. Namely so she could be surrounded by family. I would absolutely see her if she were in assisted living by me as well, but I don't think it'd be as beneficial as one near all her relatives who'd be able to visit more than once a week. But I can't speak for her. She seems so determined to live here in my home.
I don't know how to have this conversation. And I know I'll have to continue having it, but I don't know what to say. I've spoken to them before about how us living together would probably be a bad idea, about all the assisted living in the area etc. But I still have to keep coming back to this. I grew up in a household where I was told if I were disagreeable then I was "disrespectful" and then screamed at. I already have a hard time as it is setting boundaries, and I am lost. I love my mother, but the guilt surrounding everything makes this whole situation painful. I have incredible empathy for her situation and her anxiety over the future, but I also know what I can and cannot emotionally handle due to my own depression and anxiety (and heavy workload too). Please help.
What you can do is guide them through other options. This takes the focus off of you being their solution. Reassure them that you love them and will help them figure it out. Send them links to senior communities close to them. Or suggest other relatives they can ask to hire or agencies to provide care in their home. They need to assign someone as their DPoA to manage their medical and financial affairs. No one should agree to help them if they aren't willing to assign this person as their DPoA, as it will devolve into a poop show once they begin to have cognitive and memory decline. Even if you are the DPoA, this does not obligate you to take them in or move in with them. WIthout an assigned PoA the only option is guardianship by either a child (very expensive) or the county (very controlled by others).
Please do not feel guilty about opting out of being their caregiver. Guilt is for people who have done something legally or morally wrong -- and you have done neither. They will act hurt and be angry, maybe even threaten to cut you out of their Will (hint: tell them that's fine with you. Bam! No more power to manipulate you.) No matter how many times they ask you, do not change your mind. Please read posts under the topic Burnout from other guilt-ridden adult children who were assumed into caregiving and are now in the desperate position of mental, emotional, physical and financial deterioration. "No" is a legitimate reason.
The hardest thing in the world is seeing my father hurting... But in the end this is something we need to all come to a set agreement on, and I cannot compromise the needs of my husband heck even my own needs if they refuse to listen.
I will be given DPoA, that's a given. And that's something I'm actually okay with handling. Another story entirely for my husband's mother who yells that she won't give him power of attorney since she thinks we'll dictate what underwear she'll get to wear. Not sure where this irrationality is coming from, but we're outta luck there completely.
What hurts the most I think is that these are discussions I've been having with them for a very long time. Far before my mom started exhibiting signs of memory decline. And even they would reiterate time and time again how they'll take care of it all before they "go cuckoo" (their words) and not force me to make those hard decisions. I constantly blame myself for trusting that.
Thank you, so much, for your words of understanding about guilt. It's something I live with a lot, and I know this is heaping it on to the already difficult emotional burden I have. You have no idea how much reading your comment means to me.
Do you have a repeated dialogue you provide each and every time you're asked?
So I got off.
Thought I'm safer & more useful here. Can call for help from the sidelines.
These days my stress has gone down. I am focusing on my life, not what can/will happen to others.
Say No Mom. Choose yourself a new home, or someone else will.
You need to be honest. Keep it short. Keep it kind and gentle. But say it. Right out. Dancing around the issue is confusing for you and for your parents.I was a nurse all my life, but I have long known I could NEVER do caregiving in my own home. My parents NEVER would have let me, and I would NEVER let my daughter do it.
You are overthinking and over-talking and over-arguing all of this.
It is really quite simple.
You must be ready to be honest.
No "did you" or "you told me you would" or "you should have".
Nothing but the simple facts. Three sentences or so.
"Mom and Dad, it will never be an option for you to come live with me; nor will I ever move in with you. I am sorry, but I have decided I will never do this, and it isn't open to argument or discussion.
I will help you to decide what you must do for yourselves given the resources you have any time you wish. The truth is that there may be no perfect solution. I have empathy and I have sympathy, but that doesn't change that this option is off the drawing board."
Good. That's the three sentences. Now.................................
On to the G words. Please don't use guilt. You aren't a murderer. You are a human being with limitations. Murderers, who SHOULD feel guilt, seldom do. You are grieving. So will they. Shed the tears. Allow them to do so.
There are consequences in life. It is very difficult to both have a life and save for a lifetime of elder care. Few manage it. What resources they have, they have. What they don't they do not, and do not supplement their care as you SEE NOW what the result is of not saving. You need to SAVE for yourself or in very few years (I at 80 can tell you it comes fast) you will need all the savings you can possibly accumulate.
I am sorry. Not everything can be fixed and this is the third time today I have written this. And there is grieving to be done about the losses that come one after another after another in age. But it's a fact of life. Embrace the REALITY and face it HONESTLY. Anything else will ratchet up the pain exponentially. Let your parents know you will help them get their assets together on a list, attend an elder law attorney to see where to begin to understand what sort of living situations are possible for them. But that NONE of those situations will include living with you and your husband.
Discuss this with your husband. Get his support in learning how to say "NO". Full sentence.
OP: if either parent was in the military during any wartime, even if they did not serve IN the war, they could be entitled to Aid & Attendance benefits from the VA if they have needs with activities of daily life! Just an FYI.
You may want to check out the site as well as their book.
https://www.boundariesbooks.com/
For regular Assisted Living, like my parents were in since 2014, they paid month by month, so there was no contract or anything due in advance.
I was in a similar situation to yours years ago; when my folks heard that AL was as expensive as it was, mom said to me 'jokingly', "We'll come live with YOU and pay you the $5K a month instead of paying it to an Assisted Living place!" Right then and there I said, "No mom, living with me won't be possible." PERIOD. I made myself crystal clear; I love you both, but living with me is NOT AN OPTION. So that's when they knew they'd HAVE TO make other arrangements for their care in old age, that I would not be their default future. I did them a favor, in reality, by setting the record straight. And, for what it's worth, all that 'joking' isn't joking at all; it's feeling you out about how you feel regarding having them living with you! No dad, a granny flat/ADU in our yard is NOT an option. Sorry/not sorry but that will NOT work for me.
So my suggestion to you is to sit down with BOTH of your parents NOW and have a heart to heart talk with them. Especially dad if he's more cognizant than mom is and not prone to repeating himself or asking the same question 100x. Let them know you love them very much, but caregiving for elders is not something you're cut out for, nor is living together in the same house. You have a demanding job AND a demanding husband who requires his privacy and is not open to having roommates. Blame him if necessary, who cares? :) If your folks are like mine were, they aren't about to grill HIM on the why's and wherefore's of why he wants HIS privacy inside of his OWN home! Make yourself crystal clear, though, with NO ROOM for negotiation. Then offer to help them find a nice AL to live in, gather brochures, etc. **NOTE: Find an Assisted Living WITH a Memory Care attached for if/when mom needs it!!!
As an only child, I had to move my folks out here in 2011 when dad had to give up his license after 3 minor fender benders; mom refused to drive, so there was no other choice but to have them live close by. I got them set up in a 2 bedroom independent living senior high rise which they loved and lived in for 3 years till dad fell & broke his hip. I then moved them into AL 2 miles from my house, and then into another one 4 miles away about a year later. Mom stayed there after dad died and went into the Memory Care bldg in 2019 after her dementia got quite bad (along with her mobility) and lived there until she passed away last month.
I managed their ENTIRE LIVES for them since 2011 but I never took them in to live with me. You can do the same thing. Don't delude yourself that the rest of the family will 'visit them' frequently if you move them out of state to an ALF. What you'll find is this: YOU are the only family member they can rely on. #Truth. So do what's best for YOU and for them, w/o relying on any other family members to give them a single thing.
Wishing you the best of luck avoiding the 'guilt' b/c you'll be doing PLENTY for them while they're living in AL, trust me on that, as a burned out daughter caring for her parents for 10.5 years.
I too am an only child, and what you're saying actually has a lot of merit to it. Family would be "around" if she were in their state, but I'd bet they wouldn't visit with the frequency we think.
The facility in our city that I think is best for my mother will at least allow me to see her weekly. I know she will be lonely, I understand that completely, but I know she'll be lonelier in my house when I have to be locked up in my office all day long and she has zero communications with anyone until I'm off the clock or my husband gets home. Heck, she's even made mention that one of her nephews works part-time during the week and her sister is all alone and bored and sad. And lamented that. At least in assisted living she'll have others to interact with, things to make her mind not disintegrate.
As your father still has his faculties, I'd have a larger conversation with him.
You're not being very forceful about this, are you?
Read up on Fear, Obligation and Guilt. It sounds like that's how you were raised.
You are a fully functioning adult, not a child trying to get her way.
YOUR needs and desires are every bit as valid and worthy as your mom's.
"No, mom and dad, that won't be happening. I hope you are making other plans".
No reason is necessary. As an adult, you get to say " because I don't want to".
Thank you. These are the harsh realities I need to come to grip with.
At what point are you allowed to disagree with your parents and have it not be disrespectful?
Sit them down and tell them that their little jokes about moving in with you are upsetting because that will not work for you. You cannot give up your career because they did not plan for their old age. And start the ball rolling on other options. You may have to help set up those options but it is much better than being the only option.
- if my mother has any say, only after we're all in our graves. But in all honesty, you're right.
I think what bothers me most is they plan so meticulously for everything else, except for this. Anytime I provide possibilities, give them ideas, i'm told "we know already". I'm here to help set up any options, just not them living with us. And you're right, I need to be more assertive with my wording.
I've spoken to my father about this at length in the past, how I can't take care of mom. And he seemed to understand, only to joke about it again the next time I saw him.
They're coming over next week after another barrage of daily texts from my mother about the situation once more, and in my response I stated we need to have a serious sit down talk about this. Cool, calm, no hyperbole. Just a request that we sit and talk. And then I got a whole bunch of responses back about how I need to calm down, that they don't want to stress me out, and that I shouldn't be "discouraged or disappointed about our old age".
My foot will come down, and it's going to be uncomfortable. But it's for everybody's benefit.
I have made a note on my phone and have put links to answers from this forum the note. That way, when I need to refer back, I have those links quickly available.
When I first joined this forum, it was to help keep my sanity. Now, I use those links to refer back to and help others.
After you hand your mother that typed page suggested below, for the tenth or eleventh or whichever time, run to the bathroom, close the door, and open up the links, starting with this one! :-) Read answers out loud to yourself over and over again.
The folks here have given me an incredible gift. I know that their wisdom will do the same for you, if you follow it.
You may also want to search for "burnout" in the magnifying glass up on the upper right side of this page. Maybe save some of those links to read and re-read! :-)
Mum, Dad, I have no intention of having either or both of you live with me.
End of conversation.
When they bring it up again, and they will.
Mum, Dad I have already told you I have no intention of having either of you live with me.
Then redirect the conversation.
And again when they bring it up.
Mum, Dad, I have been clear that you are not welcome to live with me. You told me years ago that you have everything sorted out for your later years. I have my own life to live. If you insist on continuing to bring up this subject I will limit my contact with you.
And again.
As soon as they mention it, whether Dad is joking about a granny suite, you leave the conversation. Hang up the phone, leave the room etc.
And stop figuring out how you would manage something you'd rather shoot yourself in the face than actually do! What's all this about "probably a bad idea" and "we'd have to rearrange the entire house because the spare bedroom is upstairs..."?
Train yourself in the mirror to be unsmiling. When your father pulls your leg or your mother runs away with the fairies in her suggestions, you say, unsmiling: "you are not coming to live in my house."
The painful sensation is not guilt. It is emotional bruises from being punched by your parents. If YOU had deceived THEM into thinking you'd love them to move in one day, and now you turned round and said "nah, can't be bothered, shame you spent all your savings on me isn't it" - THEN you might have something to feel guilty about. As it is? Nope.
You Are Not Coming To Live In My House is as far as you have to get, by the way. What they do instead is theirs to work out, and not yours.
Stand firm.
Standing firm, standing my ground, and standing up for myself. Thank you Barb.
It's a good start that you are honest about not being able to take them in together or even just your mother because you do not think you can be the caregiver. Don't let anyone's guilt-trips push you into taking on the burden of caregiving if you know it's wrong for you. It never goes well when a person gets pressed into service.
Remind them that for years they have said that they do not expect you to become their caregiver and that they've already made old age plans.
Seniors will always claim that they don't want to be a burden to their families. Well then don't be one.
Help them make arrangements to move into a senior community or an AL facility. Help them get homecare services set up. This is something the three of you can do together.
Both you and your husband need to make yourselves very plain in explaining to that there will be no additions built onto your house for them and that they will not be coming to live with you.
Please have this conversation with them now.
Your reasoning is very sound -- even if you're talking yourself in circles emotionally, and many on this site can relate to that. Live-in family caregiving situations that start from a misplaced sense of loyalty or obligation (much less coercion) never get better, imo. There's abundant evidence to support that on this site.
I hope this comes across in the supportive spirit intended. :) This is what I call "tough cookies" stuff. Be a tough cookie. You know what your capabilities and boundaries are and you can still act from a place of love to help your parents at this time in their lives while respecting your own needs.
I want to come live with you. WHY?
I don't know what I'll do? WHY?
I don't want to live alone. WHY?
What is sometimes behind it all is fear. Fear of aging, of being lonely, maybe of memory starting to slip.
Fear is normal. Choosing a trusted, capable, safe person to help you is a normal reaction. (That's you ☺️).
Wanting a helping hand is ok. Wanting the hand to take on your entire responsibilities is not ok.
If Mom can gain insight into WHY she wants to land on your doorstep - that will be the first step. Then she can hopefully take some more steps towards what she actually needs.
I would tell them together that moving in with you, as a couple or solo isn't going to happen. Period. No need to explain or justify your decision. Not happening, period.
Tell your mom every single time she makes your home an option. Mom, we talked about this, it isn't ever going to happen. My home isn't on the options or choices lists. If you don't stop I am hanging up.
If you aren't firm in your NO, you will get this dumped on you during a crisis. You have to point their thinking away from you as a solution or you will be pulled in by there lack of planning.
My mom is constantly trying to guilt me into bringing her in my home. We are like oil and fire, it will NEVER happen. It does start getting on my nerves, because she thinks she can wear me down by her repeatative verbal cues. All it does it drive me further away, no respect for my boundaries is a life long attribute with her. It gets easier to say no though.
Best of luck setting and enforcing the NO COHABITATION boundary.
YOU CAN DO IT!
If Mom is showing signs of Dementia, you can no longer reason with her. So you sit Dad down, look him in the eye and say "Dad I am only telling this to you one more time. I will not be taking Mom and you in to live with me. If you pass before Mom I will not be moving Mom in with me. If Mom goes first, I will not be moving you in with me. No matter how many times you say it or ask it...the answer is NO. You have told me for years you have a plan. I am not going to be your "plan". I will help in any way I can to make sure you both are safe and cared for but I will not be caring for you. You really need to get that out of your head. Saying it don't make it so. So, from now on I don't want to hear anymore about you moving in with me."
Then you ignore it if they say it again. Change the subject, walk away but say nothing. Dad can care for Mom. He promised that in his vows. If he goes before Mom, her Dementia will have progressed even more. So you take what money she has and place her in Memory Care or LTC applying for Medicaid when its gone. Doing the same for Dad. Independent living, an AL or LTC. There are resources out there, you just have to look.
I bet if you talked to those cousins they will tell you that they wish they had not left jobs to care for family. It effects their future and what they will be able to do for themselves.
No is a one word sentence.
From the book Boundries...When you say No, you are not responsible for the reaction you receive.
My new mantra...I am here to help people find the way, not be the way.
Likely, your mother is very afraid of the changes in herself, and is clinging to you for her own needs for independence. Although the relationship is "conflicted", she loves and trusts you. I think your plans are good and there may be other help for her as well.
Please consider calling your area Alzheimers Association office. They have personnel trained to help in you, and similar situations.
Best wishes in your self-care journey.
Tell her you love her and will help her any way you can, but she is not moving in with you. More than likely you will have to repeat that more than once, but stay firm. You need to be as aloof about it as they are ....but always come back to your answer of NO.
Did your parents move their parents in with them and give up their lives at the age of 38? I am guessing the answer is NO. Even if they did, this is your life and your decision.
Don't do it. Offer suggestions, offer support, but don't offer up your life because they are being stubborn.
It is hard to stop responding in the ways you did as a child as these responses are almost automatic. The words come out of your mouth almost without thinking.
Try to slow down the process. Even just pausing to take a deep breath or two, and adjusting your position to a more 'adult' position helps make your message have impact.
You'd be surprised what sitting up straight, making eye contact, using a firm voice, and saying the words you have chosen to use without allowing an interruption can do.
Maybe you and your husband could role play..or make a video of yourself and practice the words...
Being an only child means that you are the only one to have to deal with this..it also means that you don't have to deal with siblings who have very very different ideas about 'what is best for mom and dad."
Good luck.
well be a family dynamic which has been manipulated and used throughout your life, but don’t let it be used to highjack your career and family life. You are not responsible for becoming a full time carer and it doesn’t sound like you have the kind of relationship with your parents where they respect your individuality and autonomy. In which case, it’s predictable that you will expected to subsume all of your hopes and needs to care for their wants and needs. It’s a familiar tactic to wear down your opponent and I don’t think it sounds as though there is much consideration of your best interests here. I think the sooner you have a very clear conversation that having your parent move into your home is 100% OFF the table, the sooner your parents can make plans for their needs. It’s a daunting prospect to consider that stage of your life and imagining moving in with your child might be less scary to your Mum than moving into a facility. However, they are still young and this is the very best time to start seriously planning, while they are still compos mentis and can have some choice about what they want. Perhaps you could put it that way? They may be fearful of doing this, but you can offer reassurance and support with looking at their options, whilst being VERY FIRM that moving in with you is not an option.
My mother used to hint often, ‘joke’ about it regularly, but I knew it wasn’t a joke. My husband took the heat off me, because he was very clear that it was NOT an option, not just for my mental health, but also his. Mum stopped hinting in the end, but left dealing with the situation for way too long, which made it much harder for her in the end. Moving while your parents are still young and well enough to establish friendships and social activities before they need lots of care will make the transition much easier. Mum is now in assisted living and quite happy, but because she resisted and left it too long it made the transition more frightening and stressful for her and she had a long period of loneliness and lack of self care to go through before getting the care she needed. Good luck!