I've posted here once before about my dad (81), who has lived with me for 35 months in my house since my mother died three years ago. I am now seriously considering a care home for him. I had a taste of what that would be like earlier this year, when he had surgery on his bunions and went to stay in a care home/hospital for 8 weeks as part of our public health system.
Since then, my girlfriend has moved in with me and I've been having a hard time having him back at home. It can be really hard to get space from him, as he spends all his time sitting in the kitchen/dining area, despite having the best bedroom in the house.
When he first got back he was wearing a moon boot and was very resistant to the idea of taking it easy while it was on, and as a result had a fall down our back stairs while trying to take some rubbish out to the bins.
I actually enjoyed visiting him while he was in care and we had a lot more quality conversation. At home, he just seems to be in my way constantly, asking me questions, wanting to talk about his bowel movements and it's just making me resent him which isn't good. He's also obsessive about dishes and tries to tell me and my girlfriend off when we leave a plate or two out, even though it isn't his place. And that annoys my girlfriend and makes things tense.
His doctor does think he has the beginnings of dementia. I feel very guilty about wanting him in a home and I am worried he will decline - but he actually seemed to kind of enjoy his temporary stay and liked the staff and nurses. It will also be quite expensive, as it won't be covered by the public system which also makes me nervous.
He's not entirely helpless - he goes to town, goes to the supermarket and goes to a gym class for older people. But he can't make his own dinners, or manage his finances. I had thought assisted living would be good, but a family friend who is around the same age thinks a rest home would be more suitable.
I guess this isn't really a question - just looking for some reassurance!
You are a young man and deserve to have a life with your girlfriend. It is not ok for Dad to be bossing you around in your own home. But it is also unreasonable for you to expect him to stay in his bedroom, whether or not it is the best one in the home.
It seems we have slightly different terminology. A rest home would be like a group home, with medical care on call but not necessarily in house. A care home would be more like hospital/dementia care, which he's definitely not needing just yet.
I think he's somewhere between AL and a rest home, although my family friend strongly leaned towards rest home. Aside from his gym class, he's not the most social person and I feel like he could get lonely and isolated if he was in his own apartment, rather than a group home. He spent some time in a nursing home/hospital type situation and actually seemed to enjoy it, aside from having a large cast on his foot. Just having staff to talk to and meals at set times seemed to work.
Meanwhile, do be reassured. Your father, being social and largely capable, will thrive much better as part of a community of his peers than he can do while he depends entirely on you and your girlfriend for interaction (which is already beginning to grate on both sides). This will be the right choice once you've found the correct level of support.
I feel like my dad would do better in a community of his peers too. He is actually not all that social - my mother was more the one who got him out to social events - his gym class is about the extent of the socialisation he does. He is actually quite bored at my house and spends most of his time reading and occasionally watching movies on TV, which he is also getting bored with. During his stay at the care home/private hospital he actually seemed to enjoy interacting with the staff and getting to know them.
Is he on Medicaid? Are you in US?
I thought assisted living at first, but my family friend (who is close to my dad's age) thought he was more at a rest home level - which I see is different terminology. It's like a group home, but not necessarily a medical nursing home.
Is it going to be a problem if you liquidate your father's assets, use them to pay for his care down to the threshold, and then transfer him to the subsidised system? Perhaps the best thing to do would be to identify the particular care home you're most interested in and then talk to their admissions people about how to manage the funding.